Well, you're not really addressing the points I am making or the questions I am asking.

If you are going to give up on your demands for her to end the affair because of her threats to leave with the child or her hitting you, I don't see what you can do. It sounds to me as if you want to put up with OM in your marriage, being called "Pappa" and being a father to the child that you want to bring up as yours, forever, just so that you don't lose your wife and the child.

It takes a big man to bring up another man's child as his own, and I admire you for wanting to do it. However, it seems that you are willing to also accept OM in your life. That is not marriage, and none of us here would support you on that.

You ramble on about her fake personality his narcissism, instead of accepting that this is an affair and working on the things you need to do to stop it. Her personality is no different from anyone who dealt with her loneliness by becoming vulnerable to another man - and that could be anyone of us. We are all capable of forming a "deep emotional" connection to someone who talks to us and flatters us.

And he is no more narcissitic than any other married man who spotted a vulnerable married woman and knew that he could move in on her. He is not special, or especially gifted, or especially evil. Your marriage counsellor is wasting your time by spouting this BS instead of getting you to focus on ending the affair.

Also, I hope there was not an earlier affair. Was your wife's college friend male, or female?

Well there has been no contact to the cousin so far from me and I do not wish for him to ever know my son; the difficult angle is my wife as she is not honest with what she is planning and handling this matter.

Previously they would wotk together to diffuse the situation by sharing critical information and weak point from me or his wife but now i am well equipped to handle their gas lighting and narssistic tendacies.

Their main target is to destroy my confidence and subdue for me to accept their request by making me feel guilty; even while we were doing activity my wife accused me of taking her while it was them who pushed me to say yes in the first place.

Third party has no role to play in our lives moving forward; yet, i need to prepare myself for any difgiculty my wife is bringing and to make her see that I am her husband and not him.

Yes, I understand this. I have already said - more than once - that your wife is in an active affair with him and is determined to stay in contact with him and let him play his role as father. I would go so far as to suggest she is staying with you for financial and practical support while waiting for OM to leave his wife. Her plan is that when he eventually leaves, she had he will form a family with the child, and you will be kicked to the kerb. You will be of no more use to her.

The question is, are you going to do all you can to put a stop to this, or are you going to roll over because she hits you and threatens to leave?

These two statements are contradictory.

My son was 8 month old when she made him call pappa, right now my son is 19 months old and he has not seen the cousin for the last six months.

My wife is using the technique of showing him pictures to make him remember; your feedback regardjng this would be welcome as they are using every manipulative technique to keep their connection going.

My wife even keeps telling me that my son is very smart and compassionate because he has cousins genes; she would use any chance to bring back cousin into the conversation even after I told her that we are done with him.

Do you guys have any suggestion to make her suggestion stop regarding the cousin; i have very bad triggers whenever i hear his name now and my wife would use this to create confrontation on many occasions.

We have told you what to do. Exposure the affair to her family and his wife. Convince his wife that this is an affair.

Canadien, I see you talking in circles and not listening to the advice. You need to expose the affair and put an end to it. Exposure is the greatest weapon against an affair. AS YOU CAN SEE, affairs thrive on secrecy. Exposing it to all will remove that aspect and help you recover your marriage. Once you expose the affair and kill it off, we can help you recover your marriage. Everyone should know about the affair and you should NEVER EVER attend any family event with this cousin. If everyone knows, they will stop inviting you to these events, which is a good thing.

But there is nothing that can be done to help you if you choose to be an ENABLER. You have become an accessory to the crime by helping them keep their secret. Don't be an enabler.

You have been given great advice, are you going to take it or are you going to waste time talking in circles?

The Affair is already exposed to his wife and my wife's family;

I exposed the affair to his wife in January; She was initially saying they were just friends but than she opened up details and said that she suspected them having something going on since two years ago when we went to Club there together and how they were looking at each other; The hard part from his wife is that she thinks Men are made to cheat and he was already talking to other women from his college days and was a womanizer; So, she said ask your wife to stop as she did not want to take any action. In a way you can say that she was enabling affair by not saying anything and simply living in her own world.

His wife did not want to PUT VAR in his car as she was afraid he would kick her off the house is he ever found out; So, then I had to take initiatives to put VAR in my Car; She was interested in money and status he was providing and wanted to keep this Hush hush and was not ready to take actions if required.

For the first two years they used me as a decoy and insurance and took me to their meetings in his Minivan; When his wife call they would pass the call to me and assure her that we are meeting in a group and its not only two of them; Later they used this technique even while I was not there and they would call me to lie that I was with them.

And I leaked the affair information to another important source from her family who has leaked the information to her parents two weeks ago; I am unsure of how and what I can talk to them while they are already devastated and talking to my wife about it; My wife's mom suspected something was up last year when we invited her to come over from India for Baby Shower event to stay with us as my wife was talking quiet a lot to this cousin and my wife forced me to say that I am aware of the phone calls to her mom.

My Brother, his wife and Mom attended the meeting where my Brother threatened to leak this information to our community if the contact was to reoccur; My brother and one of her old friend became my support system as I tried to do Paternity test.

Right Now, my wife is using certain dialogues to trigger my reaction; how would you guys handle this queries?

1) I have wasted 10 years of my life married to you.

2) I teach you how to be affectionate and you learn nothing from me; you are incompetent and all my cousins are so much intimate and affectionate toward their spouses; you have failed as a husband.

3) You were not ready for a marriage, and you do not know what it takes to take care of the spouse.

4) You were not there for me when I was depressed; you neglected and left me lonely.

5) You listen to wrong people and forums; and make wrong decision; you should not have contacted the wife and our friend regarding this matter as its private and we should have dealt with it ourselves.

6) You do not have social skills as I introduce to you all my coworkers and cousins to do activity; We are alone and lonely with you; you do not have any friends.

7) you are Selfish person; you use other people for your gain and do not pay back what you take from them.

8) You do not pay attention to me as you are busy with your phone.

9) I will leave with our son if you reveal this information to the outsiders.

10) I am not guilty and did not do anything wrong; We are in this position because of your insecurity and fear of losing me.

11) I have nothing to leave for in this life.

12) I feel nothing for you and I do not have any romantic feelings toward you.

13) Stopping contact with cousin will not improve our Connection; I will try to improve our connection if you talk to him.

14) I can make connection to anyone as we live in the free country; you can not force me to stop seeing my friend.

15) I am just a friend to this cousin and you do not understand our relation; I am not having an affair with this cousin.

Talk to her again, and tell her your wife is waiting for OM to leave her. Convince her that this is a serious affair. From what you've written, I'm not sure that you've done this.

"Leaking" to an important source in her family who "leaked" the information to her parents IS NOT EXPOSING TO HER PARENTS!

Have you read the Exposure 101 thread yet? Did you read anything in it that sounded like "leaking" followed by someone else "leaking"? I am quite sure you didn't. Why are you resisting doing this properly yourself to her family?

Concentrate on breaking up the affair. If you do not break it up, you cannot save your marriage no matter how much you reverse the things in this list. And as I said before, you cannot let her threat of taking the child stop you from exposing.

When the crap hits the fan when proper exposure is done, you can tell her that you are sorry for neglecting her, for not recognising her depression and for all the other legitimate complaints (i.e.you will ignore the one about taking the child if you expose and the one about contacting the wife). You can't give her back the 10 years she feels were wasted but you will give her a fulfilling marriage from the day the affair ends until death parts you, with attention, affection, recreational companionship, romance, and no phone and no selfishness.

The way for you to learn how to do those things and to behave in a marriage in a way that would make any wife happy is to learn the Marriage Builders programme and practice it in your marriage. Start by reading Dr Harley's free materials on this site.

Hello there Sugarcane;
Can you give feedback on how to respond to her love Busters tactics..

1) she randomly contacts cousins wife about sale going on; and i am like why?

2) she wants me to meet the cousin, yet she will decide when i am ready to meet him; she says I have hurt him dearly by my actions.

3) anything good abput baby like being smart and interative is because of the cousin genes and not our upbringing.

4) showing cousin pictures to my son and telling him thats Pappa.

5) she says we can only improve marriage if we meet the cousin and clear the misunderstanding.

6) keeps checking cousin whatsup status and keeps telling me stuff he is doing.

7) tells me she is in Trauma since from Dday and keeps having triggers related to that and its all my fault.

8) keeps saying that she will not end relation with cousin

9) she said she is in love with two men in her life and she fell in love with him by chance.

10) she keeps going to fun events with her job friends leaving me alone home with baby.

I answered this in my last post.

Bust up the affair by doing a proper exposure

Broken record.

Instead of posting these needless distractions, could you read and take the advice? You are letting your wayward wife drive the car and she is careening off the road. Please stop focusing on this nonsense and focus on the PLAN we have given you to save your marriage.

Canadien74, you are being told to expose the affair properly following the guidelines. Everyone needs to hear the exposure directly from you. It is pretty clear that you did not do proper exposure. You exposed your own way which was not even professional.

Action 1: do the exposure to everyone even to the ones you say you exposed to. You need a fresh exposure. Start again using Exposure 101 guidelines.
Action 2: answer all the questions asked in this thread one by one, please.
Action 3: follow the plan
Action 4: do action 1. You need to get this done and you will be surprised by the effectiveness of it.
Stop posting what you are posting and concentrate on exposing. Do not be afraid no matter what.

BTW, you are even lucky that your community frowns adultery.

Now, your next post to the team here should be your exposure plan(what steps you will taking such as --
Step 1 compiling the list to expose to...
Step 2. I will expose to .........say the relationship
Step 3 by Facebook, email, Whats App
Step 4. where(cafe, library..) and when(tomorrow, tonight, when she doing this and that..)
Step 5 and more.
You will get feedback very quickly and you then expose

Also write the two letters of exposure and post them here to get feedback since your situation needs special; contentt(son/sperm, ;paternity test part, etc.)

The feedback you will get will be critical. for example you may have left out certain people on your list.

FYI, what you call third party(cousin) is called OM(Other Man), his wife OMW, your WW(Wayward) and you are called BS(Betrayed Spouse). Memorize them start using them in your writing here.

Hello there WierdSituation;
The Person who leaked the information to her parents is very important family member from her side; he is like a big brother to her; and only person from her family living close to Us in Canada; and that cousin is also related to OM; He knows the OM family more than us and was concerned and disturbed by what happened; I told him at that time that I would have to do Paternity test and possibly seek lawyer help if required and Played the VAR recording to him; His advice was to have a talk with OM and tell him to stay away from my wife even punch him to the face if required; Issue for me is If my wife finds out about this than she will have complete breakdown as her parents have not given her information on where the leak came from.

My wife suspects that this information was leaked by OMW; she will decide what day and time to talk to OM and OMW regarding this matter and why they decided to leak the information to her parents and I know this is gonna go really bad fast.

This cousin is very important member of her family; Yet, he was concerned about our marriage and he said he feels shame and guilty for what has happened and supports me even if he is from her family; He said he had responsibility to take action and this he probably did by contacting her parents.

Right Now, her father is really ill and not feeling well in India so I could not talk further with them as I am waiting for them to get healthy to start a dialogue regarding this matter.

How would you guys deal with this matter?

EXPOSE THE AFFAIR. Don't WAIT. Don't tell your wife you are going to do this beforehand. Go to the link in my signature and read the step by step instructions. Get this done!

The punching part is very tempting when someone is in your situation. Here is why you should not do it as much as it can be tempting. He or she will get you arrested and your life will go downhill from there on and may never get back on track.. getting you arresting is a way of getting rid of you. They will have plenty of time together while you are in prison. They may even get a restraining order against you - even worse a permanent one or even for you not to see or interact with the child. Punching can leave a mark, break a tooth and this is all evidence that will be used against you. Do you see how bad this can be? This will be a consequence of you taking advice from people who are not professional about marriage. As much as you have respect for this big brother he is not an expert in this field. This is the reason you should take advice from here. Know that Dr, Harley has been practicing this and saving thousands of marriages since 1968. Punching may help and one can get away with this in otter countries but you may not get away with it in Canada. She may even file in court saying you are a domestic violent person. Remember as enticing as it can be to be violent, punching leaves only physical pain. Physical pain dissipates very quickly. Psychological pain is effective. See how painful you feel from their actions. One of the reason you need exposure - for you to heal and for them to realize psychologically that they should stop, etc.

Big brother's exposure is not going to get anyway. It was not effective. As you can see OM and WW are having "fun". There is a lot that is being hidden here and I am sure you know that hiding things is a recipe for life disaster. Also keep in mind that you would want to have your own children one day. Keep in mind that if you do not expose everyone around you will know only lies. Same with your future children and wife if that happens, etc. Your history will be written incorrectly and that history will last for generations and forever. Also know that her children and your children will be prone to affairs if you do not expose.

Expose!
You are wasting valuable time. It needs to be done right away. Wasting a minute is bad news. You also that now she is guessing OMW did leak and you are saying it will go bad very fast. It sounds like you are putting OMW in danger by not exposing

Expose! This cousing is not an important in her family anymore considering what he has done. He is the most evil member in her family. Exposure can help recover the marriage if you want. You need more supporters. More people should feel like what he is feeling and the pressure will be on. Never underestimate the power of exposure.

It matters not. Her father may die without knowing this. You will never leave a comfortable life knowing that you had the chance to tell him and he died thinking this child is your child. Do you see what you are doing? Do you see all the bad things of not exposing? I really hope you do. He may even tell/call her to stop this affair or complain while he is sick. That will have an impact. Also do not wait for him to recover to expose. The reason to wait here is wrong. There is no perfect timing for exposure, It has to be done right away... as Dr. Harley says. The grandparents of my WW died without knowing of her affair and that it led to divorce. It pains to death even though my situation is different/"special". Now WW's father may even die anytime without knowing.the affair and this I do not want it to happen. I would not want anyone to experience this. I am following the guidance from MB(here and Dr. Harley) and sticking to it. No need to read my story now. Read it after you expose yours. I just wanted to highlight this to you.

Expose now!

Just popping in as a newbie here. I exposed his affair far and wide, to his business colleagues, his friends, his family and the affair ladies workplace. The affair ended that day. My BF has not mentioned the OW (other woman). Scary to do but the dirty little secret needs to be exposed.

Hello there Guys;
This is difficult but I also want to own up to my role in creating this whole mess; As it was my motivation to look outward for positive experience as my Parents have very conservative lifestyle that did not gel with how we wanted to Travel and experience positive experiences with other people.

It was me who first took my wife to see the cousin who we confided in regarding our Toxic home environment and how my wife feels bogged down by my nagging mother and unappreciative family. We both opened up to stranger about our domestic family related issues and allowed him a chance to sooth and bring positive experience for two of us. I can not deny that was one of my emotional need to be actively involved with family doing Vacation, Christmas and playing games with kids; This was my expectation and along the way my wife thought that only he could provide the place for us to be happy. He assured me that he would find a way to make her happy whenever I talked to him and I took it as a good gesture from family friend.

He guided us through our toughest time and challenge when she was having hard time getting pregnant; and he took on a role to be supportive and positive influence and make us feel happy along the way; I just contemplate what I could have do to not get the situation in such a dire position and put my own family in such an uncomfortable situation.

Do you guys have any feedback regarding this and owning up to my own shortcoming; has anyone come across such a family related scenario; and how do you not feel guilty from all this?

I am trying my best to be supportive to my wife and to take care of my responsibility; Yet, still my wife asks me if I have the stamina and patience to do what he was able to do and deliver us to that happy place again without help from another.

This is an unusual approach to take, without a doubt. It's almost as if you pimped your wife out.

Didn't it strike you as unorthodox to hand your wife's happiness over for another man to provide?