Hey SugarCane;
Thanks for your feedback; As for the meetings; we were all three of us meeting together for the first two years; We would meet in his minivan and simply talk about day to day stuff and how we would tackle family related issues, we would plan the vacations and other fun stuff we wanted to do as well; I wanted him to bring his wife too at this meetings but she was always busy taking care of children or house chores at the time it seemed; He said she was not a fan of meeting up to discuss stuff.

Yet, after I made a no contact rule in August last year when I saw that I was losing my wife as he was starting to call and talk to her late in the night; they ditched me and started meeting alone after that; My wife started making an excuse to come pick me up from work but would go see him before picking me up and lied when I put GPS to track her movements.

My intention was not to give my wife to away to him; and I was doing all this because my wife was enjoying this family and she was saying how much light and stress-free she feels around them. Smile from her made me feel like I was doing the right thing; Yet, all this good deed and support backfired because he was responsible for all these good experiences according to her and I was using him to fulfill my responsibility.

What would you guys advice in such situation?

Handing your wife over to another man is not a "good deed," it was a desrtuctive, uncaring thing to do to your marriage. Allowing your wife to carry on with another man demonstrates complacence and a lack of care. What if your wife had a "good experience" shooting up heroin? Would you let her destroy herself because it made her happy in the moment?


We would not have wrecked our marriage by encouraging marriage wrecking behavior.

There's something very odd about the way you see your original interactions with this man as normal.

People have friendly or close family relationships all the time. For me, my very best fun is spent with my husband's very large family. They have been wonderful to me and my kids, and a get-together with any branch of the family, or all branches at once (such as at a wedding) is hilarious and very warm.

But this:

...taking your wife to see your cousin for advice, as if he was some kind of guru (which he so wasn't, as things turned out); talking to him - when it's obvious you had not been close to him before - about your wife's unhappiness and seeking his help; his "guiding you through your toughest time"; his taking on role "to be a supportive and positive influence"; having meetings in his minivan - what kind of get-together is that? It's totally bizarre; getting him to help you plan your holidays...

...This is beyond my experience, and, as I said, totally bizarre. And then when your wife cannot get pregnant, he provides her with a child.

The whole relationship was bizarre from the word go, and the way you are trying to deal with it today is, frankly, bonkers. And when you write to us, you do not listen to what we say, but talk round and round in circles about your wife's attitude towards you, missing the fact of how freakish this all is.

I can only advise you to write to Dr Harley about this, because nothing we say is having any effect.

So you found a cousin that for someone reason you saw as some kind of marriage whisperer, and you set up meetings which took place without his wife, in his minivan, at which you discussed the issues your wife was having with her unhappy marriage, overbearing mother-in-law and uninvolved husband (i.e. YOU).

He calmed you and reassured you that he would make your wife happy. He talked with you both about her problems. And when it came to the problem of her not being able to get pregnant, he helped her out, as he promised you he would do, and gave her a baby.

I cannot get my head around your approach at all. Explain to me again why you thought involving this near-stranger in your marriage was a good idea.

Hello there SugarCane;
The portrayal that he was a good advisor and mentor came from my wife; She said meeting him and doing activity with his family is what give her peace and happiness; she grew distant and started hating other cousins and my own family along the way; He was taking out everybody from her life until I was the Only one left in the end; and until that time my wife assured me that we are doing good and she is so happy that we are spending time with his family until time to throw me came around and that's when I realized the whole mess I got myself into.

They both manipulated me into joining activity and meetings with them because I was a good insurance incase someone asked or doubted their relation; She used me as a shield to protect her as she was able to freely ably to talk to him without restrictions and being close family member I though why not and he portrayed a very family oriented character.

Should I have been more manly and control their interaction from get go three years ago? Would you say no to friendship if your spouse is eagerly enthusiastic about it? How would one know the danger of starting a new relation and where it will end up?

So it was in fact your wife that started the relationship where he became your guru?

We had been living where this cousin lives for the last 10 years; Yet, somehow he randomly popped into our life 3 years ago; My wife thought he was narssistyic and kept her distance up to that point.

He became the Idolized version of what husband she wanted to see as he was working as a Manager and owned two houses, and a great womanizer with great sports accolades as he was a captain of the cricket team; where all the woman flocked to him; He kept making remarks that my wife had to share every detail of her life and should not get involved with others if she wanted to keep him as a friend.

He would visit and be with us everywhere we went weather it be going to Doctor or to the Movies; they were making plans to meet every weekend and I was visiting his house to play games and pass fun time. I would make plans with other cousins or my family but my wife would start getting negative about it and would again bring him in the picture and make more plans to do activity with him.

If My wife is enthusiastic about certain things she likes to do and enjoy what is the best way to handle such scenarios? even now my wife keeps saying that we will be much happier place if we clear up the misunderstanding with this cousin.

No, that's not how it happened. Here's what happened:

Your wife brought him into your lives because she was having an affair with him. She convinced you that he would be a good friend and she had her affair right in front of your face. They had a baby together, and now she wants you to "clear up the misunderstanding" and talk to him again so that she can see him more easily.

He went with you to the doctor's?

Is this story a joke? You can tell me. I enjoy jokes.

canadien74, the team here trying to help and you are not heading its advice.
Why are you doing this?
Can you answer the following questions?
Why are you not exposing?
What is stopping you?

Days have passed.

Do you realize that you have not taken a single action so far? know that WW and OM are planning and acting as you sleep. It has happened before and you are allowing it to happen. Do you want to hear that they are moving to another country, city, neighborhood, he is divorcing OMW, she has taken all the money in the bank or any other thing they have in mind. Know that this is a serious case and they are planning as you blog. Be proactive and you will destroy their plans.

What action have you done so far? Your next action is exposing. All other action comes after that. The team here will guide you and support with anything with exposure and after you have exposed. You will not be alone.

Do you realize that all you are doing is not effective / have done has not been effective?
Do you realize you are blogging(going around and around? This is not going to lead you anywhere.
What you did (aka as you put it owning up to your own role) is not equal to not exposing.

Every BS has to expose no matter what they have done in the marriage even if they have had an affair also.
Dr. Harley has dealt with marriage saving and affairs globally including Indian cultures too.

Hello there guys;
So I finally exposed the affair to my wife parents in India;

Her mom warned me about the cousin when she visited us last year for six months, as my wife was always on call with him.
Her mom is saying that father has big influence on my wife she will leave it up to him to fix the situation; as I said previously we come from very traditional and conservative family; so its catching all by surprised.

I feel a lot of angerness toward my cousin and how he could play such a crucial part in this betrayal; this was the most important person I put my faith on and they have shaken my inner being.

How do I get over the thought of them having sex and god knows how long; how do you guys find courage to recovery if mind is stuck on betrayal and shock from it all? She just keeps mentioning that she did this out of desperation as there was immence pressure for her to get pregnant as my sister in law was pregnant with my younger brother who were living with us.

We are both trying to make things better and the OM is no longer part of our conversation; yet, I have triggers that flates up constantly.

How long does it take for triggers to subside; the whole thing constantly keeps replaying in my head and keeps me on the edge and doubt.

Has she admitted that she had an affair with him, and that the "sperm donor" story was a lie?

How is he now out of your lives? Two weeks ago your wife was saying that she wanted to keep him as a friend, and that you are misreading the situation. She threatened to leave with the baby if you talked about this to anyone. How did you move from that to being ready for recovery?

How far from you does he live? How do you know your wife is not still seeing or talking to him? How can you ensure that you will never cross paths with him again?

Does his wife know yet that there was an affair and the baby is his?

Hello there Sugarcane;
Until they decided to betray me all my actions were the manifestatin of my faith and trust in my wife.

I have now set the boundaries to protect my marriage; its no longer about who is nice to me. I will only move forward with relations that value our marriage and are there to help us to connect with each other.

Every relation in our life has certain quality and purpose; my intention or action were never wrong; I only though about giving best possible way for my wife to be happy.

The ineractilns they were able to create between each other was because I did not object, the christmas party, vacations together and the long calls between them are no longer in the card; as you can see the honeymoon phase of that relation has passed.

The other part was the secret regarding my son for which they no longer hold power over me as I know now and there is nothing they can say or do that will convince me to bring that fake friendship back into my life.

The biggest thing is that I no longer feel shame in my actions; I did nothing wrong and I will not be held resposible for their betrayal; I will hold my wife accountable for every action she takes moving forward in our life.

Do you know for sure if she isn’t talking with him anymore? Do you have spyware on her devices to confirm there is no contact?

Did she write a NC letter?

I'm not sure if your reply was intended to answer my questions. Could you try again, please, answering each one in turn?

Congratulations for exposing the affair to her parents. Hearing that her mom warned you about the cousin... It is just amazing how people around us can see what we cannot see. Coming from her mom... This is serious. It is interesting that you come from a conservative family and she said that. This is even a good reason to expose the affair far and wide.

I am a little confused about your exposure though. Somehow it does not seem to have been done well. The team here is a very experienced team with great success rate. It can help you navigate this. You will need to be truthful, upfront and forthcoming in devulging information to the team for you to succeed. As you can see the team is trying hard to get information from you to help. It is like trying to milk a bear.

Trust that the team here is better than anyone in your life about these matters.

I would advice you to take some private time and read through your post objectively. This will help you see your thinking that will then help you move the thread to productive. Now you would want answer all the questions you dodged or did not answer. Quote each question and then answer.

Can you list the people you have exposed to?
Whom have you not exposed to?
Whom do you not want to expose to?
Did you follow the exposure guidelines?

When someone replies on this thread take time to understand and answer the asked question or address what they are saying. It is hard because the affair shock has a grip on your whole physiology, chemistry biochemistry, anatomy, etc. but you have to force yourself to focus.

Do not take this in a bad way. I am just trying to help you succeed in your life just like everyone here is trying to also.

You will need to answer like this...


Yes she did admit the affair (Describe in detail how it happened.) We were walking and we .. and she ... then,.. The sperm donor story is true. Explain why you say it is true.

Or
No she did not admit the affair. The sperm donor story is true.....( if it is not true say so.


(answer to best of your knowledge. If you do not know say you do not know and ask, "How can I do it?"). If you do no wa t to answer explain in why. But do do be silent by not answering the question. It is extremely rude and disrespectful to people who are truly wanting to help you. They are putting a good amount of time to help you. Hours. .. and this is beneficial to you that they are doing this in this hardest time of your life. Yes, hardest.


(Same thing here)


(Same thing here)


(Same thing here)


(Same thing here)


(Same thing here)

Just focus and you will be better. Every step you take is progress.

Here you should say how you did it. These are important details because they will reveal what you did wrong and what you did right. It goes like this... I exposed to WW's parents by calling/emailing them and I said this and that. I used the exposure letter. I asked them to... ...How they reacted. How you felt. Whether you should have done differently.

Then the team here can guide you to do this and that. This is how you get value and then act strategically to end the affair, get rid off OM, heal, recover your marriage ( remember you do not want a false recovery. You will be surprised to see them together 1 year from now.

All you are asking here can only be answered or happen if you work with the team here. The actions and recommendations theyvwill give you will help you deal with all this. For example if you say OM is still living with us/in same building then the recommendation would be something close to he has to move away or you have to move away. They will guide on how to do it with all tactics.

Stay at it Canadien! We will be supporting you here and make you do the best things. Good luck. Keep being proactive and take a lead.

Warm wishes. I feel for you.

Can you list the people you have exposed to?
The full extent of affair with BABY information is released to my parents, my Brother and her parents along with her (Male) best friend prior to all this; I have asked that I will handle the matter myself.

Just the Emotional affair details was released to OMW and my wife cousin brother; I did not do the Paternity Test at that time; I did tell OMW and the Cousin that I was motivated to find the extent of the relation by doing the DNA test; Yet, I have cut contact with both OM and OMW after March.


Whom have you not exposed to?
There are other Cousins from my side and Her side that I have not exposed to; I still need help in this regard because of other young children in our family, and he is part of our extended family.

Whom do you not want to expose to?
I do not want to involved my Extended family as they add very little value to our marriage and they are good at gossiping and are not pro marriage after infedility; We do not have serious relation with this extended family its mostly superficial and materialistic relation as they are only concerned about my job stability and if we are doing good with our life.


Did you follow the exposure guidelines?
I started this unknown path in November Last year when I went for Marriage counselling due to deteriorating marriage situation; I joined the forum Surviving infidelity in December and initially got tips to uncover the affair using VAR( Voice activated Recorder); I shared with my wife the Link to the Forum that identified possible secret Physical affair and to do DNA test; My wife and the OM became extra careful and not taking me on their meeting from this period on. My wife became violent and suicidal when I contacted OMW about their secret meeting and about my concern for how close they were getting; She said that I was torturing her by asking her to stop contact with him and I broke the code of trust by contacting OMW.

She seem to know that something was going on between two of them for the last two years, as she saw special connection when we went to Club two years ago and she saw them glued to each other on the dance floor; but she was insistent that they were just friends and asked me to only let her know if I get a proof if they had sex. It seems like she kept warning me occasionally, but her husband is not at fault according to her and its the women who leads men in that direction; it seemed like men have right to do as they please according to her.

OMW was unwilling to put VAR on his car where all the action was happening, she said he would throw her out of house if he ever found out that she tried to Spy on him; So, I had to be proactive and I put VAR in my Car.

I was initially using my Garmin GPS as a location tracker; The Tracker showed that my wife was meeting OM before picking me up from work, and meeting him outside his work place after work; They denied that this meetings took place and said I was insecure and paranoid about the situation.

I than had to move on to VAR recording that I put in my Car to find the Concrete proof without ifs and but from their side.

VAR Uncovered few things I was unaware of:
They were scouting new place to meet after work as I was aware of previous location close to home where they were meeting; They were gone meet before and after work and change timing, so it would be hard for me to figure out.

My wife denied meeting him after "NC" condition was set in February but VAR uncovered first contact after two weeks and my wife it seemed became desperate to meet him; She went outside his home and made a call and started asking for his commitment and why he forgot all the promises he made to her and how he could abandon her like that; Their meeting started back again at that time.

During VAR recording My wife also talked about the great experiences he has given her and how nobody has done such things for her; she says that his words and guidance is the most important thing in this life; and no one else is as important as him.

On March 16 I asked OM Mom and wife to be present while I opened up the VAR Recordings; my wife accused me of abandoning her emotionally; My Brother asked them to breakoff contact and would report to our social circle if they start to talk again; His mom and wife are very proud of OM and accuse me losing my wife to him; his wife is proud that her man is able to fulfill my wife emotional needs and he is really good at this and I should learn some stuff from him.

On March 29th I do my Paternity test and confirm that this is his child that I am raising and my wife confesses that she was meeting him because she was scared about how they would handle the situation if I ever found out.

June she provides the Sperm Donor Form saying that she has voice recording where he is confirming that he had done a sperm donation to consume a baby and he has no legal; right over the baby.


Situation:
The affair thrived in secrecy as they both had a baby without my knowledge; A secret that thrived for 2 years without my consent that made her make choices that would leave me out side my own marriage while he was infiltrating it.

Issue:
They have taken a position that he is a Sperm Donor and nothing more; We have No contact policy since March; I want him out of my life completely;

They are prying on my compassion and if people know he is the father than he will want to start getting in contact with my Baby and my wife out of his Love; My objective is to use their own tactics against them and keep him away from both my son and wife by going with the Sperm Donation Theory and there is no need to keep contact.

How do you guys Propose I move from this point on? I already exposed to most important people in our life and we have no contact with OM and I want to keep it like that; she is recently trying to work on marriage recovery and focusing on US.