Canadien, we keep telling you that there was no 'emotional affair'. Not sure whether you have taken this on board. Your wife had a full blown sexual affair with OM and they concocted this story to cover up the pregnancy. OMW is your best ally. You need to tell her exactly what happened. Of course OM needs to be completely out of your life, OMW will help with that.

Your family also needs the full truth, your son will also need to know when he is a little older. As the person who brought him up he is always going to see you as his father but he does need to know that he has a birth father too. He is going to find out and it is far better that this come from you. Yes some of your family may want to reject your wife but be very clear; you want their help in saving your marriage. If yours is a conservative family, they will see that it is their duty to help with this.

Hey there living_well;
Yes, I already know that this was a Physical affair; She admits this by not providing the proof from Laboratory for supposed sperm donation;
My immediate family and her family has been directed to this information already;

I am talking to her parents right now over the phone and laying down details on what, when, where and how this whole thing unravel in front of my eyes; her parents were visiting us for six month from India when She fell in "love" with the cousin; So, my wife parents Now understand the context of what happened and why the cousin was involved with us on so many activities and why my wife was constantly on call with him.

The Issue now is the moving forward as my wife is clearly trying to work on Marriage Recovery and the OM is out of the Picture as I have not talked to him since March; In part of our religion folklore a King asks his wife to walk through fire to prove her purity after she is abducted by another king and rescued later; How would that play in todays context.

The affair went as far as it had out of fear; She made a terrible choices and OM took advantage of the situation; they both continued to go on an infidelity's path until it was too late to come back; My wife said that she really wanted OM to be the father if we could not conceive and she went and completed that resolution; The secret in it self allowed her to get eaten up by the OM stories and fell into limerence with him.

The OM wants entry back into our life; Yet, I will have none of that nonsense to mislead me again; I have learned my lesson and now is the time to apply without giving him chance to get back into my life.

My wife's mother is cautioning me against opening the details to other cousin as this could have psychological affect on my wife; they are scared for her safety because she has suicidal tendency; and we do not know how to get through this without triggering her;

Her mother is assuring me that this issue will be dealt with and they will get to the bottom of what transpired and why the betrayal took place and ask her about my Son and why it happened like that; They say they will support me no matter what and try to get things right.

Canadien, YOU need to be the one who does the exposure. You do not want to trust anyone else to do this. Your wife has already shown herself to be ready to spin herself as a victim rather than telling the truth which is that she was a willing partner. Her mother is likely to do the same.

Eliminate love-busters in your marriage and focus on your wife's top emotional needs to restore romance to your marriage. That is by far the best way to protect your wife's mental health. We can help you with this.

Hey there living_well;
Thanks for your feedback; My wife it seems is exhausted from long working hours and walking constantly on the Job and cooking after work as my mom is doing a baby sitting for two babies in our house; We live in a joint family, and my sister in law is not good at cooking; So my wife ends up getting exhausted from cooking. I try to watch over my son and help out cleaning after I come from work and I also do Grocery shopping to help ease on the work; Yet, She keeps blaming me for my easy working hours, but is this my fault for getting a job with good hours and less demanding physically?

Yet, She gets triggered very strongly when I ask that we need to spend time together; She becomes defensive about baby and how she wants to be with Baby when she is home. How do I go into Dr. Harley teaching when she does not want to hear any books telling her what to do; She says that you learn by doing and not listening to audio books.

This is what started the her emotional affair with my cousin; as my wife was getting exhausted from work; so, she started meeting him before and after work and they would simply talk for 2 hours, and I would be waiting home with the baby; that's why I am telling her about why she can not do that with me; That's what I am trying to resolve right now.

This will end once she falls back in love with you. Address her complaints - we call them love busters. If you sit down in front of the television when you get home leaving your wife to cook dinner for 6 people every night after a full day of work, she will never fall back in love with you. If the others in the household are taking advantage of her, protect her. SIL can learn to cook (as can you).


That is because she has not yet fallen back in love with you.


Educating your spouse is very disrespectful. However, there is nothing to stop you from using the tools yourself. Listen to her complaints and address them. Work out what are her 3 most important emotional needs and meet them. Most women have affection and intimate conversation close to the top so listen to her with your full attention when she is talking to you. That is how OM won her heart.


THERE WAS NO EMOTIONAL AFFAIR she had a bog standard sexual affair right under your nose. If you think affairs start because someone is exhausted from work, I have a bridge I can sell you. She found 2 hours every night to talk to him, she can do the same with you if she wants to. Start working on it.

Hello there Living_Well;
I am listening to her complaints and she is saying that I am now doing all the things she wanted to see me do from the beginning, she is seeing a great positive change in my action and how much attention I give her; Yet, on other instance she makes a remark about how I have changed so much that I have become more controlling by asking her to stop going to party and other fun events with her Work colleagues. She says that she has extraverted personality and she should be allowed to have fun with her friends from work.

Another, quirk is the OM family became a safe heaven place for her where we celebrated Christmas, and other social events and went on vacation with them; She does not get along with may parents and brother family; She says you should have a good company when you go on a vacation and I have taken that away from her; How would you guys fulfill this requirement?

I have lots of things that I need to discuss regarding the affair; Yet, She gets triggered every time and we lose focus on healing and start hurting each other by the words; How do I convey my feelings and what and how we can avoid certain things that made it possible for her to pursue another men?

She had her most important needs of belonging and acceptance fulfilled by the OM; How do I make her understand that I am not her enemy and I only have good intentions for her? She says that I judge her when she is talking and go into problem solving mode while I should be listening. How do you not convey your feelings and message when in a dialogue without inconceivably hurting her.

That is very worrying. She wants to go out to parties without you? Neither of you should be spending recreational time apart, that is how affairs happen. You are perfectly entitled to ask her not to do this, you should never do this either. If she wants to party and have fun, make this happen but do it together. Invite friends over.


Hang on, you are in a joint family but she does not get on with them? That is a problem. You will have to move out unless they treat her better. This is your family and it is your job to make sure they behave respectfully towards her. If your beloved is not happy, you will have to get your own place.


Dr Harley says you must have one honest conversation where your questions are answered and then never discuss the affair again. Of course she gets triggered, you do too. That is why it must only happen once.

Affair proofing a marriage can be done if you are both open and transparent which means both of you have full access to each other's devices and you avoid spending recreational time apart. You will need to install spyware on her phone without her knowledge. Be sure to make sure this transparency works 100% both ways.


This is very valuable, it is exactly the kind of complaint you need. I hope you thanked her. If she says that she feels you judge her when she is talking then immediately apologise and STOP DOING THAT. If she says you should be listening START LISTENING. This is not the time for you to convey your feelings, it is the moment to listen to her feelings.

Don't feel bad, most men fail to understand when they need to listen and think they are being asked to solve a problem. She is talking through a problem both to release the emotion and to work through the problem. She needs your undivided attention not your problem solving skills.

This was something she started doing last month where she went on a camping Trip; She was blackmailing me at the time by saying that she will only join to come to beach with her cousins if I let her go to this camping trip with her work colleagues; I went to pick her up and stayed next night at that camp because of heavy rain; it was in a rural area and guys were getting wasted drinking Boos, At least I got to see what was happening back there and confidently say that this has got to stop.

Next time a colleague was leaving a Job; She asked two weeks in advance if I accompany her to restaurant with my baby and wait in a car while she has dinner with them; I said Yes, I have no problem if this dinner with work Colleagues makes her happy; a day before the Dinner her story changes and now they want to have house party where they will be dancing and getting Drunk; I had to put my foot down again and say no you can not go. She said they will think I am insecure and they will judge her too.

This are the instances she is telling me to stay like I was before; She is saying that she liked the way I was before I got insecure about OM; She is asking me to trust her judgement.


My Mom is babysitting my Son as he is just 20 months old and we are saving a lot of money staying together to buy our own separate house; If we leave now, than we get nothing as my brother wants to wait two years before selling our house, and we need the money from Sale to buy another house separately.




She still has not admitted about having Sex; She keeps saying it was Sperm donation and she has Video recording and Sperm donation as proof but goes quiet completely when I ask for Laboratory result or Contact information to verify the Sperm Donation.



Affair proofing a marriage can be done if you are both open and transparent which means both of you have full access to each other's devices and you avoid spending recreational time apart. You will need to install spyware on her phone without her knowledge. Be sure to make sure this transparency works 100% both ways.


My Wife is getting paranoid over my tracking; How can I trust her fully when she gets triggered over this subject? Should I Ask her to do this or make a request?

We keep telling you to the expose the proper way and to the right people, and you being very stubborn by not doing it. It has been many weeks.

Unfortunately you have cherry picked your exposure targets. And the ones you have picked are enablers. Do you think her parents are nit going to enable her just like when she has provided them with a grandchild? The number does not even pass the exposure number threshold to kill the affair and save your marriage. You need to expose far and wide. People will make OM and WW accountable and it makes it impossible for them to hide and carry on the affair, communication, etc. People will help. You cannot do this alone. Remember it did not work when you were alone. Remember your efforts are not going to be fruitful if you do not expose properly.

You have not exoosed to
1. your friends
2. WW's friends - are you telling us she has only one friend and that friend is a cousin?
3OM's friends
your friends
3. WW's aunts and uncles
OM's aunts and uncles
your aunts and uncles
4. relatives of all sides extended it not
5. WW's/OM's/your former high school and college classmates and friends
6. WW's/OM's/your close friends from work
7 all WW's/OM's/your siblings and cousins of both sides
8. any peole you can think of.
9. if you hesitate on exposing to someone it means expose. Your hesitation is telling you it will be effective and you are ignoring that. You can say who you hesitate and folks van tell you whether or not to expose

Therefore write your list here and you will get feedback.

Yes, you need the gossip to happen. The more people who talk about it the better. This is your weapon. You, family and your marriage can survive gossip but cannot survive the affair. Gossip kills an affair. It is actually good if WW and OM get to know that these people know about the affair. Their little value and not pro marriage after infidelity do not count here. Also you never know how many will come to help/support. Remember your expose letter is asking for support and they will hear this. Remember many people will want to tell someone to ditch someone after infertility. They are not exoerts.

You need to expose to the Cousins. Theses are old enough. Right?

How old are the young children?

Canadien74, you have not followed the guidelines. Do you know where they are?

Your reaction is perfectly logical. We are all wired to have affairs if circumstances permit it. In your case you have evidence of a prior affair so all the more reason for you to be vigilant. Insist you have one another's phone/computer passwords. Then slip spyware onto hers without her knowledge so that you can see exactly who she is communicating with and what is exchanged, keystroke loggers are best. I suggest you do this on your own phone/computer first so that you are confident that there are no notifications going out.


You are going to be wiped out by a divorce which is where this goes. You cannot afford not to sort this out. Repair the relationship with your family or rent your own place.


Tell her you know the full story and then drop the subject.


Your wife should not know about your tracking. If she knows, there are too many ways in which she can circumvent it so it becomes totally pointless.

Hello there Everybody;

I am waiting for her father to have a proper conversation with my wife regarding the affair before I can asses on the situation; as she gets triggered each time I ask her questions and I am not able to get a good picture on what happened and how it happened; I will wait 1 week to see what information is revealed from this conversation.


1) She seems to be in withdrawal stage as being affectionate and intimate is her strong Traits; Yet, she seems totally numb and without any feelings even as I kiss her or pamper her; What would make her drop being in Withdrawal?

2) She keeps saying that she is no longer interested in happiness, and her only concern is our baby; She keeps saying that there is nothing to look forward; How do you motivate someone who has given up on life?

3) OM was the Alpha from his Friend group; they were daring him to approach random girls when we went on a beach party; and they were all talking about how they were cheating and having sex with other woman; Is there any value to exposing to OM friends?

4) Yesterday She admitted that she said all those horrible things about me and our marriage because she was triggered and she did not mean any of it; She wants me to become normal again and not hold grudge against her. She said that I am important to her and what I do matters to her; What do you guys think about this?

5) She keeps saying that she is afraid of the "New" me and she wants me to become my old self; At the same time she says that I am doing all the right things now and I no longer neglect her like before. How would you guys respond if she asks that you become like your old self?

Canadien, are you reading anything we are posting to you? Of course she 'gets triggered' - she is still lying to you and does not like it when you try to catch her out. We can see that. What 'information' are you looking for? Just tell her you know the truth, that she had a bog standard sexual affair and THEN DROP THE SUBJECT.


Falling back in love with you is the way she will come out of withdrawal. To get there, you will need to address her top 3 emotional needs and get her out of your toxic current living situation.


She is lying. No woman wants to be married to a doormat.


Good for you, I hope you thanked her for the feedback.

Hello there guys;
Need your assesment on this that Happened in March, my last encounter with the OM.

The thing keep repeating in my mind is, when I played VAR recording in front of OMW and OM mom; they all said that OM understood what my wife required and he provided, and his mom was especially proud of his son and told me to learn from him about how to take care of my wife; and he bragged during the conversation that he keeps his wife happy, the OMW was really quiet during this conversation while I was losing my composer while my brother was trying to keep the conversation civil.

His wife was contacted about possible affair in January yet, she only wanted to know if the sex was involved, somehow emotional affair was not a big deal for her, she even supported their story about being friend on one instance.

In December my wife and OM were saying that someone has put black magic on me and they took our son and me to the vodoo magic specialist too, somehow OM gave contact to my wife and she was visiting this person before.

My wife was saying that she fell in love with him because of how much care and effort he was making in helping us and all the favors he was doing; Yet, all this was possible because I put a trust in him. Does that give him right to take my wife away from me? In most practical sense he has two daughters and a wife; so, why pursue my wife?

I am just trying to put piecies together of what happened and why I became the villain in this story.

You became the villain because you allowed your wife to control the narrative. Exposure has to be done everywhere, only by YOU and with the full truth, not a half baked story about sperm donors.

We are all for saving marriages in the most dire circumstances here, but are you surethis relationship should be saved?
You have not been married very long, your wife has a child with your cousin, she wants to continue marriagewrecking behaviour.
What is there to save? You are not obliged to save this marriage at any cost. You could marry a person that loves you and have children of your own, without a meddling cousin/OM.

Hello guys;
So, I made a request to her father to call my wife and he is assuring me that there is no more contact with the OM after the call, and he has asked her to cut all future contact from OM; Her father asked me to relax and not stress too much, Yet still keep watch out for her behavior and report back if I spot any discrepancy again; and he told me that her mom has a medical condition so do not get her deeper in the situation as she gets tense about these things very much and is not able to handle it very well.

So, Yesterday my wife was asking me about who else I have shared with and how long I have shared this details with and what details have I passed on to them; Her father told her that our whole community knows about the affair she should stop whatever is going on. She warned me to stop sharing this kind of information with our relatives or she will stop working on marriage recovery. I told her that her parents know about this situation for 1 month and they also know about our son; I told her that I did it for her own safety because she was hurting herself and me physically whenever we talk about it; She asked about the details I discussed and I stopped at that moment as I told her that I myself am not sure about the details as things do not add up about Sperm donation Story.

What do you guys think I should do when she gets triggered; I warned her that If I learn of future encounter with the OM again than I will Expose to all our family group. For Now it seems there is no contact with the OM as far as I know and she is working on marriage Recovery and is staying composed; Yet, certain things do not add up and she is not giving out full details.

Is it better to work on marriage recovery or to keep digging for information even if this will trigger me or her?

She says that she will not discuss or cooperate if she does not see progress from my side; How would you react to that?