Friendships in marriage are subject to the Policy of Joint Agreement. It's fine to have friends as couples but spouses should avoid personal conversations with friends of the opposite sex.

Is your wife more extroverted than you? Extroverts enjoy having a wider circle of friends than introverts do. My husband enjoys very few friendships, while I enjoy having a wider circle of friends. Since most introverts have a hard time acting extroverted, Dr. Harley recommends the extrovert adjust to the introvert. But the adjustment to the introvert doesn't mean the marriage can't be enjoyable for both. I recommend that you and your wife work on having enjoyable dates together, and don't be around your family very much if she finds them to be unpleasant.

Neither cultural values nor religious values prevent affairs. Plenty of pastors have committed adultery. Only extraordinary precautions and radical honesty prevent affairs.

Canadien, I will repeat the question:
if someone had told you 20 years ago, that you would marry a woman, who would not only have an affair, but have an affair with a family member and have his baby, possibly on purpose. What would you have said?

You are losing years of your life here. Years you could be spending on building a family with a woman who loves you for who you are, who will gladly have sex with you and would be thrilled to have your baby. You could spend your time and money building your family and a home where you would not need to put up with living with the affair partner of your wife.

You are wasting your time with navelgazing and no real action. If you have termites, you don‘t go and paint the walls over. You exterminate the problem first. The affair is like a termite invasion in your home. You should move to another state and have no contact ever again with the affair partner. As long as the other man‘s wife is not aware of the child of the affair, she is not doing anything. But you are also taking half measures.

How much time will you waste on someone who has betrayed you and how long will you wait while the affair partners are still in contact? Your life is passing by. Wait another 5 years and you will still be in this situation untill you are so old that it is no use trying to build a new family. You have nothing to lose in your marriage, because you have no marriage. What is in it for you?

Was this recent? What have you done about it?

Hello there Brainhurts;
That was in March last year; I put the VAR recording in front of my Brother, and OM wife and his Mother along with my wife and OM; the OM is part of our extended family; so, we were almost like brothers so that's why this things hurt so much.

There is no more contact with OM family since last march; and my wife knows that person will never walk into our life again; the OM and my wife involvement got real intense because he was part of the family and I gave them a long leash before things started to become too obvious that my wife became unable to function normally without his involvement in our life.

My wife to this day complaints that I have put her in a state of trauma because of what I did; she asked why I never shared the VAR recording with her without getting others involved; what would you answer to that?

Still haven't seen an answer to this very relevant question.

Lets face it. The problem in your situation is you canadien74. You just are not capable of listening. You do not listen. The problem is not OM, WW or OMW anymore. Be accountable on this. I am beginning to wonder your role in this whole saga. From reading your thread you have a lot on your plate to fix yourself first. You will need a lot of work and it is only you who has to act on it. You have to get the will. Something is really off. You keep "blaming" them. Do you "blame" yourself? Start attacking/looking into yourself and fix yourself. Experts here have tried to help you but you just are not capable of seeing things through. Why? Since you put your thread you have not accomplished anything. Also please read through your thread and see what you are doing. Why is this? For a woman to do what she did and you showing the character you are showing in this forum, your thinking and your dealings with the situation has made me wonder about who you are as a person. I am at loss of words. I do not know what to say. I do not how we can help you anymore. Experts have put hours to help to help you but each time you keep evading what is at task or question.

Hello everybody;
Sorry for delayed reply; I understand the frustration that is being expedited due to inaction or consequences to OM or my wife; Yet, I was never aware of how to fulfill my wife's emotional need until I started seeing her drifting away to the OM; Yes, I am at fault for neglecting my wife, Yet there was a big RESET last year after the fallout and I see my life differently from that point forward.

I have to give both of us a fresh start with all this new guards and Boundaries in place; She was able to freely connect and enjoy those great moments with OM because I was unaware of massive Love bank points the OM was adding for her at the time by actively pursuing and chasing her. I think everyone enjoys the flattery and novelty experience when your crush is chasing you.

There will be no future help or Favors accepted from So called friends as I see that was a critical breakdown of why OM was able to consistently keep his Emotional Connection with my wife;

I will still keep a watchful eye for things that have possibly gone underground; as my wife had a Son with him so its natural that something will most likely go down in the future; I will take my action when I get a proof of contact.

So far, I have support from her family; and I am using this alliance to make sure the correct message is conveyed to her as her relationship to her parents is very important to her.

I understand the Dr. Harley concept about total exposure; Yet, I am giving her a chance to redeem herself and see if there is path to good future together.

Dr Harley said that you need to form a strategic alliance with OMW to monitor their contact. It is the only way you will save your marriage. Your wife's family cannot do that.

Right now your wife is stringing you along while she waits for OM to leave his wife. What you are doing is not fair to OMW or to this child.

Does your wife still hit you?

Hey there Living_well;
OMW does not want to continued contact with me; and she is very defensive about her situation as I already talked to her about all possible scenarios and what she would do.

She wants her husband to buy her a Hotel Business and get her high social status; She has high insecurity about losing the respect in our society, so she withdrew when I talked to her about possible love child scenario. She believes that men are allowed to do whatever and its women responsibility to control the situation. So, even while I was talking about possible Emotional affair scenario; she started finger-pointing and blaming my wife for trapping her husband.

Maybe if I find another contact in future with OM than I might lay everything out but I want to give my wife this opportunity to redeem herself.

Is it prudent and safe to give her a chance to show her loyalty and build trust?

No, it is not prudent or safe.

Dr Harley told you unequivocally to reveal the fact that the child is OM's to OMW. He said that on your radio programme. From my notes of that programme:

"Dr Harley established that OMW does not know that the child is OM's child. She is the only person out of the loop, so that's the answer. Tell her that there is a child and her husband is the father."
.

Hello there Guys;
So I have been going back and forth with Dr. Harley and Joyce and they have been great support for my ongoing struggle and I am very thankful for their involvement and effort they are putting for me.

I am as a person broken from the whole episode; this has left an emotional wound that is not easy to fill and has spilled over into other aspects of my life;

I have learned along the way that I was the enabler for the affair and I have changed my boundaries and what is acceptable for me.

My wife on the other hand has thrived in her career with promotion and is able to move on and is asking me to do the same; yet, this is hard for me. Life is not the same. The OM is out of our life completely and she no longer brings him up in our conversation like before.

Maybe this was all required to get a wakeup call and to pay attention; Yet, this feels like so much more than that.

I am still learning to deal with triggers and flashbacks; maybe time will heal things along the way as I change the way of living and relating to this world as this person I am today is something new and I no longer recognize the new me that I have become.

So the OM isn’t involved with the child’s life? Are you and your WW going to stay married and raise the OC together?

Yes, and Dr. Harley also reccomended not to involve OM with OC as that would keep the affair alive.

We will raise OC as our own and I have a lot of challenge ahead as there is a new direction of boundaries after 11 year of marriage.

My wife came from very family conservative background when she was 19 after getting married with me.

Since than she has enjoyed freedom to make friendships at college and workplace. She has developed an extravert and can attract people to her like a magnet personality.

Now, the hard part is going back to conservative roots of where she came from and how there is conflict in coming in terms with that.

She says that she is not a marriage material; yet, thats where she finds herself with a toddler baby.

Yet, I am clear in boundaries and making friendships with opposit sex.

She gets triggered very strongly agsinst MB program, so I will have to find different ways to bring some of the teaching into our marriage.

Do you guys have suggestions if spouse does not like to read books or go to marriage therapy sessions; she says that you learn by doing and not by reading or talking to councellor.

What did Dr. Harley say about exposure? From what I remember you did not do correct exposure

That Boat has sailed; and I need to focus and plan ahead for the next adventure that she might undertake. The OM to her was just another men trying to get her attention because she has that personality that guys magnet toward if its not him than there will be another to take his place in no time.

My wife it seems has a premise that she has the right to make friendship and connection with other people; She says she has talent to judge persons character and their commitment and will only keep true friends who will vouch for her.

Lots of this friendships are happening at work; Her work crowd seems to be young 23-30 age group; Lots of them like to Party and other fun activity that she is fond of that I participate in previous along with them.

This is where the difficulty is arising now; as she no longer wants me to hang out with her work place crowd after what happened in OM situation. This in affect has activated boundaries around workplace friends that she has to manage.

She is seeing marriage as a hindrance to her new found promotion at workplace and personality; As a QA Specialist Supervisor she will be working at 3 different plants where she know lots of people and likely make new friends with her new found position.

The question is how I can show MB teaching and plan without triggering her; I understand and accept my error in past but I want to move forward with conviction and belief that I am doing the right thing.

So Dr Harley says you are married to a serial cheater. Did you tell him that the child is OM's?

To stay married to a serial cheater, you will have to monitor her 24 hours a day. She cannot have access to any communications devices (computer, phone) that are not fully accessible to you. She cannot socialise except with you at her side ever again whilst you are still married. If she does not agree to your terms, get divorced now. It will be easier for all of you.


Being married to a serial cheater is not your error. She has a problem. She is just fooling you with the 'triggering' nonsense. She knows exactly what she is doing. Normal people do not trawl for action, they have affairs by mistake. This situation will eventually break you. It cannot continue.

Hello there Living_well;
For the longest time my wife kept telling me that because I have my Brother and parents family here living with us while her own family is in India she feels lonely;

She used this excuse to make friends at college and work place so she can feel more at home; I supported the idea to show that I was not a control freak and I wanted her feel more at home. To make things worse she always chose a guy as a friend coming from our Indian background and said that girls are gossiping type and she hates gossiping; so, she chose guy as a friend.

This idea has taken hold on her self and she can not let go of it; Yet, she knows she can not continue toward this path as I will not accept her excuse of getting Lonely because I am there so there is no need for anyone else.

This she is just starting to comprehend and is panicking because there is no way to escape as long as she is married to me.

I keep telling her about great experiences we can share and create; Yet, she says u need other like minded people to share this life experience with.

I made lots of mistakes thinking I was doing the right thing seeing her happy and now realized that the trigger for her happiness was from outside factors and not me; and now I am more committed to see the change inside and and her to move forward enthusiastically without giving credit to friends or family for our happiness.

It sounds like you really avoid answering questions. I have seen this pattern in your thread. To me she is still doing this because of the lack exposure - books don she is not accountable. Wow, she is taking you for a ride while the boat is still anchored.

Hello there WeirdSituation;
Yes, I have not done a proper exposure; Yet, so far I have exposed the affair to my family and my wife family;

The biggest challenge for me is that she says that I was not there for her; while I have a different assessment of me being always there for her; I used to drive almost 3-4 hours daily to pick her from and to drop her at Job; I always did dishes and house chores and gave her freedom to hangout with friends and to take part in activity with them. Yes, I accept that I made an error by being involved in independent behavior when it came to shopping and playing games by myself, but I have learned my error and want to correct my behavior to be better husband.

My intention and target has always been her; I have never pursued another Women or thought about sabotaging our marriage.

Somehow along the way she has taught herself that being pursued by another men is a normal thing and my challenge is to make her understand that all the complement and positive conversation that other person has with her is wrong no matter how successful or family oriented the other person is.

What to do with friendly people who seem like they want to help us? it seems like getting favors seems to make the biggest Love Bank deposits in her bank account.

She says that she has right to make friendship at workplace and her new work position involved meeting and talking to lots of people and she can not simply stop talking to people because of my insecurity; what needs to happen to protect herself from making Love Bank deposits with other work Colleagues?

She says she does not need any men in her life any more and she just wants to be alone and carry on her life; she says that she has build a self confidence to tackle on life challenges without another person to help her; How do I make her understand that as husband and wife we need to have positive interaction and make me believe that she wants to be in this marriage.

Hello there Guys;
So, this is something that is really taking my attention for some time;
Is it OK to talk about MB concepts in family and Friends Facebook or Whatsup groups?

It seems there is big disconnect in my social circle regarding Affair proofing the marriage and Dr. Harley concepts and lifestyle resonates with what I envision my life to be.

I want to share the teaching and methods that I have come across to this family/Friends group; how do you guys feel about this? Do you guys share your changing expectation and needs with your social circle?

I feel there is huge disconnect with how I see this world today compared to two years ago, and my personality and expectations have changed immensely; Do I say nothing or start expressing my changing expectations and try to find pro marriage friends/Family and look to avoid marriage busting friendships and activity.