I’ve just found out my wife has had an affair for 18 months and my head is spinning with what to do.

I met my wife when she was 16 & I was 18 we dated for a few years and then I ended the relationship as I was young and just wanted fun basically. We then started meeting up and she fell pregnant by accident at the age of 18 and I was 21 we decided to give things ago and I thought we would be together forever.

We moved in together and have since had another child, current ages 15 & 7, I would say my wife worshipped the ground I walked on in the beginning and although she kept asking for me to show the same amount of love back, I have no explanation why I just didn’t. I felt I always supported her well and never cheated on her but I just wasn’t an emotionally and romantic person, we also had a lot of stresses through the time we’ve been together a couple of failed businesses money struggles etc.

When my wife fell pregnant with my 2nd child I finally proposed and we married a year later, everything seemed to be going so well. Then we finally confronted our money troubles and was declared bankrupt, i however accept most of the responsibility for the money issues due to a failed business but I can’t change what happened.

A month after the bankruptcy my wife told me she was pregnant and it was by accident, we had a chat and agreed to have the baby terminated due to her starting a new career and our financial situation. The problems arose when she started to lose the baby by miscarriage as at this point she felt she wanted to keep this third child and I didn’t support her in the best way as I thought we had both agreed to terminate the child.

This happened around February time and by April she was getting friendly with new work colleagues which is a male dominated industry, I could see she was having a breakdown and kept trying to help the best I could even arranging for her to have counselling which lasted 6 months. However I didn’t know she had already started spending time with this guy from work who is 13 years her junior which has led to an affair and them sleeping together numerous times.

I’m in shock that this has happened as hand on my heart I would have never thought she was capable of this, since I have caught her out she has had a little thinking time and is begging for my forgiveness and saying how disgusted she is over the whole affair.

The big issues for me is it’s only come to light 3 weeks ago and the affair only stopped because I caught her out through social media and emails etc, during the whole 18 months of her having an affair and the start of the breakdown I have been pleading with her about my concerns.

To me it seems although she was hurt and broken by everything she clearly didn’t care or have any love for my feelings, but the whole time she was saying she loves me and wants to be together forever it’s just her guard is up as she has been treated and let down so bad over the years.

I feel I don’t want to break my kids family apart and after everything she has done I’m not slagging her off but I just can’t look at her in the same way.

I also feel will I be happier with someone else and would I even meet someone else seen as this is the only relationship I know, I’m considering us trying marriage counselling if we can afford to.

I know I will have to eventually work out what I want to do for myself but I just wondered is it likely people can move on and be happy and trust worthy after such deceit?

Welcome to MB and so sorry for the pain that has brought you here.

I know things are very hurtful right now, but the good news is that you have found Marriage Builders. Dr. Harley has a plan to kill the affair and recover your marriage and have even a better marriage. You need to follow the plan. We are here to help.

Is she still in contact with this OM (other man)? Does she still work at the job? Is this OM married or have a girlfriend?

Have you told anyone else? Do you have spyware on her devices so you can know this affair is over?

Do not believe she has ended the affair. Affairs are VERY addictive and if she has any contact at all (even looking at his social media) the affair will continue.

I will link the exposure thread. Please do not tell your WW (wayward wife) about this place.

Please read Exposure 101

Come back here and let us know what you are planning to do.

Hi,
Many thanks for the reply, she said she has stopped contact with him and has been sharing a live location on her phone when working. I don’t have passwords to her phone or emails etc to check properly.

She says she remorseful and disgusted with herself but the affair only stopped as I caught her out.

We are thinking about marriage counselling but my biggest problem at the moment is trying to forget about the sexual experiences she has had with this person, which I read in an email.

He’s not married he’s only 21

Did you read this?

Since this is a workplace affair please pay attention to that section. She will need to quit that job. You have to know that every time she sees him or even thinks of him it keeps the affair active.

Go to his social media and get his parents and family and any friend's that may have an effect on him and save their contact information.

You need to expose this affair and ask for help.

Also, before you go to counseling please read Beware of Bad Counselors

Many of us who have recovered our marriages from an affair almost had our marriage blow up due to counseling.

Hi,
I had a quick read of it but will read more in depth when I have space on my own. Close friends and parents know of the affair but they don’t know it was sexual. We haven’t told our kids as I can’t see the benefit in that.

In regards to his social media it’s on private settings and he’s blocked me from having access.

We are currently doing research into the counselling and trying to find a reputable one for marriage and affair guidance.

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry to hear about the events in your marriage.

How did you discover the affair?

How do you know that it went on for as long as it did, and that it was a sexual affair? (I'm trying to find out whether you discovered these things independently, or whether the information all comes from what your wife has told you.)

Do you know OM's name? (Don't tell us the name.) Do you know his position at their work place? Is one of them in a supervisory position over the other?

What makes you think the affair has ended? If they still work at the same place, they have several hours a day to have deep conversations about how much they still love each other, and whether they can ever be together again. They could even have resumed their sexual relationship by now. The affair cannot end while they still see each other, especially while they see each other under the exact same conditions that facilitated the affair in the first place.

You asked


They can do, and several people who follow Dr Harley's methods have done so, but none of them have done so while the affair partners continue to see each other every day - or even occasionally. An affair can only end after there is a complete cessation of contact ("no contact"). Recovery can only begin after the affair ends - which this one has not.

You will never feel reassured that the affair is over while they continue to work together That's why you need to tell her that, for the marriage to recover, she needs to give in her notice and take immediate leave, and if she gives you reasons why she can't do that, you need to expose the affair to their employers.

You must know his name by now.

With his name, you can find his family without having social media access. I found the other woman's husband just by knowing her name (not his name at first). It was an unusual name and, via google, I found out where he worked. I contacted him by email at work.

You spoke of how you showed your wife little or no love in the early years, and how you did not support her well when she had the miscarriage. Today you speak only of not wanting to break up the kids' family. You don't speak of being in live with your wife at all. Are you?

Please read the exposure 101 thread.

Also Exposing to Children

Hi,
I discovered the affair by always having my concerns and gut feeling, at the time I had knew her phone passcode and she didn’t know. I waited until she was asleep and went through her phone and exported what’s app messages and looked through her Instagram.

I confronted her on everything and we had some time apart for us to both think, she eventually said how sorry she was and that it was a friendship that went to far, I said I hope we could work through it and move forward.

Then a week later I found an email she had saved from months ago where it had all the information about the time of the affair and the sexual encounters, I confronted her again and she said that she couldn’t say as I was already broken and she didn’t want to hurt me further.

She’s been very tearful and pleading that it’s all been a big mistake which she is disgusted by and if we can get through this we could be stronger than ever.

I know his name and they used to work together in voluntary roles and she’s adamant he works for a different town, which was expressed before the affair was exposed.

She now only does one shift a week and with a live location on all the time, I will be saying that if we try and move forward it needs to be an open phone policy and email etc.

I do love her dearly and that’s the sad thing for me it came to her having a breakdown from a miscarriage to me realising that I need to show her more love and change my ways.

The past 18 months I’ve been trying so hard and it’s even been acknowledged by family and friends how much I’ve changed to be a better husband for her and how much love and affection I was showing.

We have since had many conversations about this and her response is she was already broken and has been selfish and wishes she could take it all back, the affair apparently would of stopped.

The problem for me is the affair only stopped because she was caught out and how could she treat me like that for 18 months when she knew how hard I was trying.

It seems that you separated after the discovery - is that correct? Are you back living together now?

Having been through my husband's long-running workplace affair, in which, not only did they work in different parts of the organisation but also lived in separate countries, and still managed to see each other frequently, and having posted here for over a decade, I simply never believe that a workplace affair is over when the unfaithful spouse says it is.

If it were possible for them still to use the workplace to conduct the affair, how would they do it? Does his working in a different town mean that they cannot meet during the day? Are they able to use the workplace computers and phones to speak to each other without it ever showing up on their private devices?

Is your wife's job a voluntary role? Are you willing to ask her to give it up?

How near do you live to OM? Google him to see what you can find out about his family.

You used the word "town". Are you from the UK, or maybe Australia? I'm in the UK myself. I think your chances of finding a non-USA marriage counsellor with Dr Harley's expertise are vanishingly small. At least in the US he is widely known, and we have had a few posters come here because their chosen marriage counsellor recommended the Harley approach.

Counsellors that do not use the Harley approach will never insist on things like complete and permanent "no contact", even if that involves leaving a job or moving house. Marriage counsellors are more likely to urge you to trust your spouse, and do not see it as their job to show you how to recover your marriage after adultery.