I will break down what you said. It doesn't sound quite as desperate as your previous post, but it is still very upsetting to you and concerning from what I have read.
a few days ago he went to do rideshare last night. Apparently Lyft was giving out bonuses for drivers . As he was leaving , he had a change of clothes in his hands I just casually ask him the reason for the change of clothes . He replied “just in case I get pulled over by the cops” and then left for the night . Didn’t come back home until 5:30 am this morning . Sometimes he works nights which I verified but why the change of clothes ??
A quick Google search revealed the following for your area for Uber/Lyft drivers at https://therideshareguy.com/uber-driver-los-angeles/
indicates the best times to drive are (for your area which I believed that you mentioned is Los Angeles with your previous 'skid row' comment):
-Weekday mornings between 6:30 am and 9:30 am
-Weekday evenings between 4:30 pm and 8 pm
-Weekend evenings (Fri. & Sat.) between 6 pm and 8 pm, and between 10 pm and 3 am
-Weekend mornings and afternoons between 10 am and 2 pm
Rides are pretty much dead between 10 pm and 5 am and he should be home at those times since they are not profitable. How did you verify that he 'sometimes' 'works nights' - I am curious?
Also Lyft gives out bonuses for drivers when there aren't enough drivers on the road, I would imagine that it would be in the hours of best times to drive, and not the middle of the night. Does this make sense to you from a business perspective if you were a Lyft executive?
I agree with your logic with the 'change of clothes' - my thought process is that he plans on sleeping somewhere at a very minimum, and changing when he gets up - my gut tells me something is wrong with the picture if I were in your shoes too. The 'cop' comment has me concerned, if he is changing his appearance after the commision of a crime would be the only reason why he would mention changing what he is wearing as cops don't care what you are wearing as long as it covers the minimum of genitalia.
then when I texted him after he leaves I ask him are we still married “ in a romantic way “ he replied “YES , but why are you always hating on me , I can’t do anything or make any money because you are always questioning me about everything. Plus today we were kinda discussing finances . He keeps reiterating for me to “focus on buying myself a home” and buy a second car instead of trying to pay off the one I currently have , the car he uses to drive rideshare . When I ask him for help on the car and house his response is “if I can , I can’t make any promises “ ..
His comment of 'why are you always hating on me' is called blame-shifting or 'projection' for the psychological term. He also has expressed no desire to financially contribute to the relationship - red flags.
Since you were talking finances; here is a strategy to try to modify his hours to something that you can keep better tabs on other than wondering if he has a midnight liaison with someone / something else.
Since you have indicated that it is your car, I would suggest snooping in your own car, look for paper receipts (tells you where he has been and what he is purchasing - something might jump out as out of place), and anything you would not expect to see, like condom wrappers, drug paraphernalia, additional sets of clothing, and so forth. If he challenges you, you could say something like "I am cleaning the car so you can get better tips from your rides" or "I love to help you out with your business so you can earn more money - especially since I am the owner of the car - I would like to see it kept in the best and cleanest condition possible so you can maximize your profits - I'm trying to help you out" or something similar. If he only drives for Lyft, he should welcome the help; however, if he has something to hide, expect pushback. If you are cleaning the car, bring a bottle of windex and paper towels with you to complete your 'under cover' type work.
Also, share with him the article that I just posted a link to and ask him to drive during those times only and in the areas of the city that are most profitable that way he can have more time for you. I would suggest doing this in a public space like a restaurant and/or park with a lot people nearby - this reduces the chances he will create a scene. See what is response is. The article uses impeccable logic, so if he says he must work in the middle of the night, there is more than likely something else going on... follow your gut feeling on this...
Just still trying to figure out how to get out of this mess the best way possible ..
That is the million dollar question... Whether you stay and tolerate this behavior, or do something else is entirely up to you - only you can take care of yourself or fix yourself, you cannot fix him, only he can do that for himself.
I am assuming that you want to "get out" of your marriage based on what has been inferred by myself and others on this thread - please correct me if I am wrong. If you want to end your marriage, you need a plan to keep you safe, it will require a lot of work, and you need to figure out how to leave with the minimum amount of damage to you. You also want to line up all your proverbial ducks in a row before executing your plan. You do not want to give him any inclination on what you are about to do. My previous relationship was almost as toxic as yours, I didn't marry her, but I ran after she cheated on me not once but twice (I had email evidence for both). I also have worked with law enforcement in my career before I retired, so I do know a thing or two about doing this (but not everything as I haven't done it myself).
1. Other than 'cleaning' the car [with ulterior motives - do this when he is sleeping if at all possible - less confrontation is better], do not change your routine with him, until you are ready to act on your 'escape plan'. When a person leaves a relationship like this, the greatest danger is when that person leaves, since he does go to the gym he is likely stronger than you, you have a good chance of being in physical danger especially since he has a gun and has brandished it in a threatening way towards you when you confronted him. If he thinks that you're about to leave that is when it will be getting very dangerous for you. Make your plans while he is out of the home.
2. Get yourself a safety plan, especially since he has threatened you previously with a firearm, you are at risk. This is the template that I used for myself which might be helpful for you: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf.
Here is an excellent article that you should read on leaving an abusive relationship https://www.verywellmind.com/making-a-safety-plan-to-escape-abusive-relationship-5069959
use Google for more resources, if he snoops or monitors your phone get a burner phone, if he doesn't use google voice as a secondary number. Also clean your search and page history if he has access to your devices or use the incognito mode when you do stuff related to your plan. Cover your tracks both physically and digitally.
3. Find and retain a divorce attorney, retainer fees start at $5k (where I live, it could be different where you live), if you don't have $5k you will want to consider alternatives, such as the women's shelter in 6c (below). If your only asset is your car, that isn't paid off, you may want to consider stopping making payments on it (if he is in physical possession of it) unless it is close to being paid off. Since he is using it for his 'employment' you might lose the car when you split - ask the attorney what you should do about this.
4. Take inventory of things that tie you to him - shared assets - talk to your attorney on these.
- apartment lease [easier to leave] or mortgage [harder] is his name on the lease/mortgage [yes - harder, no - easier]
- joint [harder] or individual [easier] financial instruments such as bank accounts / credit cards / investment accounts / etc.
- who owns the car [from what you have said it is you]; however, if he uses it for Lyft that can be a problem since he has physical possession of it most of the time; however, do learn his pattern, know where he keeps the keys (so you can take it when he is sleeping). You can rekey a vehicle, but with modern vehicles the cost is around a $1000 +/- depending on the make if you cannot secure all of the keys from him. Alternatively you can use a steering wheel lock (https://www.amazon.com/s?k=steering+wheel+lock
Note: for joint credit cards, you will be liable for anything he spends on it. Remove your name the same day you leave, one of the first things you want to do when you are physically separated or shut down the card altogether. For joint bank accounts, a judge will likely penalize you if you empty more than half of the remaining funds, instead, ask the bank to freeze the assets within, so he won't empty it (highly likely based on your description of him) until the court can decide on who gets what - talk to your attorney on this.
5. Staying/Leaving your home. If you don't own (have a lease / rent) and your renewal date is soon (a month or three) you may want to plan your exit strategy around that, if longer it may be more costly to you. In any event if you don't own it, it is easier and safer to leave. However, if you do own it and he isn't on your mortgage/property you may want to keep it; however, you will need to assess how safe it is for you. If you think he will use that gun on you, nothing is worth staying for. Also, if you work remotely, you can relocate anywhere, if you aren't this is more problematic as you are tied to a location. Is this an entry level job, where you can find similar work elsewhere, or do you do something that is highly technical and are pretty much locked to a certain location?
6. Organize a emotional (& financial) support system utilizing the fewest number of persons you can [less likely for your husband to find out of your plans before you implement your planl] If you have supportive parents, tell them your situation and enlist their help.
-a. Your parents, if they are supportive, you will need to spill the beans of your nightmarish marriage even if they think it is a fairy tale - Most emotionally healthy parents will come to the rescue and help you out any way they can. However, if they have their own issues (substance abuse, mental health issues, this may be problematic). Enlist their help to escape, and get you back on your feet afterwards. This would be my first choice if I were in your shoes.
-b. Your best friend (who is not a mutual friend to your husband) - confide in them, see if you have a place to stay should you leave your H.
-c. If you cannot count on your parents and/or friends and cannot afford a 2nd rental, you may want to consider a women's shelter - locate one or more near you in case they are filled to capacity, at a minimum contact them and find out what options are available, they can also provide resources such as low cost therapy and/or legal help in your situation.
7. Ensure that you are physically safe as I sense that you are in a bad place. Also consider how much you are willing to lose. Back in 2000, I ran from a crazy ex girl friend, it cost me about $50,000 in losses at the time (mainly in the car payments and 'loans' I financed and signed for) - but I was free and clear from the 'crazy' and I wasn't even married. Now that I am married, my losses would be 20-40x higher - which I cannot afford - hence the reason why I came to Marriage Builders to 'fix' my marriage, but my wife needs to be onboard too - she says she is; however, her actions indicate otherwise. Consider how much you can afford to lose to get away from this mess - the longer you wait, the more costly it will be.
8. Once you have your 'ducks' in a row, execute your plan on the same day as quickly as you can, have check-lists so you don't miss anything, as you will be emotionally activated when this is done, and things can easily be missed. This way you take him 'by surprise' and other than a possible violent physical reaction he won't be able to destroy your bank accounts / credit cards / etc. as easily - I strongly suggest coordinating this with your parents / best friend / and/or legal help.
9 Regarding the gun(s), if you know where he keeps it, move it and hide it immediately before you execute your plan. For my crazy ex gf, I hid them between the mattress and box spring of the spare bed so they wouldn't be used on me, I let her know of the hiding spot when I was free and clear of the house. Hide the bullets somewhere else, keep them separated - a gun cannot be used without bullets in them.
I am sure I am missing a few things here, so get yourself a good attorney, also seek out mental health counseling for yourself to put everything into perspective for yourself. With regards to both of these professionals, be 100% truthful with them, even if there is something you are ashamed of, that way it will be factored in and planned for should it become an issue during your process of detaching and leaving. I know for me, there was a huge emotional component to it, and it has helped me a lot seeking out a good therapist.
From what you have shared, it is comparatively easy to get a divorce since you do not have children (this would make it many times more difficult), you don't own a home (nothing to tie you down, other than the terms of your rental/lease agreement), you own the vehicle (however, he drives it for Lyft - however, as it is in your name, take possession of it if you can - consult your attorney), and any joint bank accounts that you might have together. You can make a clean(ish) break right now - the longer you wait, the more difficult it will be with alimony support payments towards him.
Once you have physically separated, consult with a mental health counselor/therapist on what your next steps should be, also use this as a learning experience on what 'not' to do in the future.
Take care of yourself with self-care since your H is not an active participant in your relationship.