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Hello everyone,

I need help with developing attraction. Is it possible to become attracted to your spouse if you never have been? If they have never had your preference or your type in them. Their personality, where at the start you maybe very slightly attracted but not really. You get married and after 15 years have never felt real feelings of attraction.

Is it possible to become attracted to anyone.

I understand meeting needs, if there are needs they cannot meet, such as change your entire personality. Is any of this possible with Dr Harleys concepts to rescue a marriage.

Thank you,


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Hi

Have you read Physical Attractiveness ?

There are 2 letters that Dr. Harley talks about this.


FWW/BW (me)
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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Hi

Have you read Physical Attractiveness ?

There are 2 letters that Dr. Harley talks about this.

Yes I absolutely have read them and his book. What if you find absolutely nothing wrong with her. But you simply dont find her to be attractive at all. Not at all in your type.

Personality, features, appearance all of it. Suppose I like someone so intensely that is very cute, silly and girly, but she is mature and proper she can't be those things. There is nothing wrong with her weight or features, but suppose I really liked a certain appearance physically that she can't change.

That her personality somewhat fits her appearance. As well.

If it's the cute girly thing, versus someone proper. I can't explain it. Where someone is shy, childlike girly, babyish and giggly, sweet. Where someone is mature, proper and precise, analytical and formal.

Or if you are very much attracted to someone artistic, versus mathematical.

These are the big differences I'm talking about.


IS IT POSSIBLE? I hope with my all it is, because I can't have my wife feel like seconds her whole life compared to have been in love with other people. When shes never experienced it with me.

Last edited by SadNewYorker; 05/20/24 12:03 PM.

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I could swear Dr Harley answered this on his radio show today. Did you write to him? What do you make of his reply?


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
I could swear Dr Harley answered this on his radio show today. Did you write to him? What do you make of his reply?


I didn't hear the radio show today, I never wrote to him. What did he say can you please tell me??? I'm desperate to know.


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What was his answer.


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I got his pod cast link Im listening to it


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Originally Posted by SadNewYorker
I got his pod cast link Im listening to it
What did he say? What do you think?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by SadNewYorker
I got his pod cast link Im listening to it
What did he say? What do you think?


What I took from it is I can, if she doesn't meet my top two needs then she can find my other lesser needs and combined them, build them up and create attraction. The attraction will change my perception of how she appears physically to me and she'll then begin to meet my need for physical attractiveness.

I guess once I see her as physically attractive, then I'll know she can be and the whole thing changes. That's what I gather from it, if I'm not wrong in my understanding.


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I think your understanding is correct, although I think the issues you talked about in your other thread need discussion.

I listened and took notes from your broadcast. They are not exactly word-for-word, but very close to what Dr Harley and Joyce said. We must bear in mind, though that they said these things without knowing the other major issues that affect your marriage. It seems that you did not write to him after all, despite saying that you would.

Originally Posted by SadNewYorker
I never wrote to him.
I really don't understand why anyone would go to the trouble of posting here among non-experts, particularly on such difficult matters that you mentioned in your other thread, but not take advantage of the free expertise that they can get directly from Dr Harley.

Anyway, Dr Harley read this thread and said:

Dr Harley: The chapter on physical attractiveness in His Needs Her Needs identifies PA as an emotional need, especially for men.

To breach the romantic love threshold you need enough love units to achieve that objective. While PA is enough for many people to breach the threshold, other emotional needs can do the same thing. A combination of other needs can do the same thing. If you want to be in love, you don't necessarily need to find your spouse physically attractive. I have noticed this phenomenon that people in love, almost to the person, will say they find the other person physically attractive to them. This does not mean thy found the person physically attractive at the time they were dating them, prior to being in love. Over time, being in love gives a different perspective to the person you are married to.

Physical attractiveness is important. It isn't essential. You can find other emotional needs to achieve the objective of being in love.

Joyce: So don't worry about the attractiveness portion; work on other needs so that love can develop.

Dr Harley: These make massive love bank deposits:

Affection
Intimate conversation
Recreational companionship
Honesty and openness
Family commitment
Admiration.

A person does not have to be physically attractive to meet those emotional needs in a way that makes love bank deposits. Over time the person thinks "oh my God, I'm in love". The person that is doing things for you make them very attractive to the (first) person.

Joyce: Also the personality seems to change because they are making the effort to meet your needs. But this isn't one-sided. He needs to do things for her.

Dr Harley: They need to look at the emotional needs questionnaire. What needs would they like the other spouse to meet? This person (i.e. you, SadNewYorker) is not in love with his wife. Why is he not in love with her? It could be a cause of the lack of physical attraction. He might not have been in love at the time he married her. The 4th couple in the series of articles "Dating the one you married" were never in love when they married. So how can you create that love when it has never happened?

In this man's case it might be that neither one was in love, and that means they need to start paying attention to basic skills in meeting emotional needs. Fill out the questionnaires....They can develop love. We are all capable of experiencing the feeling of romantic love. You can get that felling but the other person needs to cooperate.


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
I think your understanding is correct, although I think the issues you talked about in your other thread need discussion.


I sugarcane, I first posted my other post on the other thread, but after that. My wife and I have both emailed Dr Harley all the details, I sent him several emails and followed up but he never replied. He only replied once asking for my wife to email her side which she did. But after that he hasn't responded to any emails I can only think that maybe it was too much email for him. I sent about 3 or 4 my wife sent 2. Outlining and detailing everything that had happened.

I am trying to work on the marriage going on from my other post as well, because I don't know what to do. I have started to withdraw from the 2 year relationship I'm in now because it's "right" my heart is being destroyed and she is suffering begging for comfort. I have no feelings like this to my wife and neither does she to me, but we hope to save the marriage if possible, we aren't sure if its wise or not given our history but Dr Harley has been unable to help with advice about it.

My heart is very hard from leaving the current relationship, it feels cruel but I'm doing it. We are suffering.


The advice I've received is listening to his podcast about this thread that I posted, he hasn't commented on the emails, just on the question of being attracted to anyone. I've been desperate for his advice.

Last edited by SadNewYorker; 05/24/24 03:27 AM.

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Originally Posted by SadNewYorker
Originally Posted by SugarCane
I think your understanding is correct, although I think the issues you talked about in your other thread need discussion.


I sugarcane, I first posted my other post on the other thread, but after that. My wife and I have both emailed Dr Harley all the details, I sent him several emails and followed up but he never replied. He only replied once asking for my wife to email her side which she did. But after that he hasn't responded to any emails I can only think that maybe it was too much email for him. I sent about 3 or 4 my wife sent 2. Outlining and detailing everything that had happened.

I am trying to work on the marriage going on from my other post as well, because I don't know what to do. I have started to withdraw from the 2 year relationship I'm in now because it's "right" my heart is being destroyed and she is suffering begging for comfort. I have no feelings like this to my wife and neither does she to me, but we hope to save the marriage if possible, we aren't sure if its wise or not given our history but Dr Harley has been unable to help with advice about it.

My heart is very hard from leaving the current relationship, it feels cruel but I'm doing it. We are suffering.


The advice I've received is listening to his podcast about this thread that I posted, he hasn't commented on the emails, just on the question of being attracted to anyone. I've been desperate for his advice.

I would also notify the MODS that you have emailed Dr. Harley multiple times and give them your email address and they can pass on the information to Dr. Harley.

Also, have you checked your spam to see if the replies have gone there?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Have you heard from Dr Harley yet?


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Have you heard from Dr Harley yet?


I have yes he is helping me


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I hope you feel able to share the gist of his advice.


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