Hi my name is Rashard, I am a 35 year old man and I have been married going on 4 years in December. My wife and I have been separated (living in different homes) for 2 years, we have a two year old son together and two rainbow babies.
I'm just going to state this out like this, I wasn't always a great husband, matter fact I was an outright narcissist at the beginning of my marriage, my wife did everything for me and I hurt her a lot and I mean a whole lot. I told countless lies, and worse is I cheated. I have never physically cheated on my wife but I did message women and even lied bout my wife and sometimes said things bout her I shouldn't have said, I had a porn addiction that made her feel as though she wasn't enough and I was just an outright horrible man, if you can even call me w man back then.
December of 2022 my wife did the right thing and separated with me, at this point I leaped into action and I started seeking help. I went and found a therapist, I went to family, I went to friends, and even better I got myself right with God and put him in my life so he could guide me in the paths I needed to take. I learned a lot about myself and for the past two years I never cheated on my wife again and she would message me about how proud she is of me and how she sees me changing and she was ready to come home...I bought my wife an engagement ring that till this day she still doesn't know I have. I had it in my heart that id ask her to marry me again and this time never disrespect my marriage arrangements that God set out for me.
The day I was supposed to pick up my son my wife tells me that *we need to talk about us* I start crying cause I knew what she was about to say and she asks for a divorce. I told her I had been doing right and I'm not cheating I don't lie, I haven't done a thing in two years but work on myself so I can be a better man, better husband, and a better father. She later on explained that she is unhappy and she hasn't been since that day she left and that I cheated and I hurt her and it crushed my heart cause I truly do love my wife and I really do hate all of the things I did in the past.
Later on down the line my wife is still talking to me and she laughs and we joke and then she stops talking but she has our life 360 still active and she messages me saying *if I'm going to go see other women at least then life 360 off* now I wasn't going to see any female wasn't even around anyone I was just going to a restaurant and then i changed my mind and then went to a diner and again changed my mind. She thought I was taking a female food and then she states she thinks I still mess with other females which I honestly don't. Later on she is getting messages from a girl I don't even speak to and the girl deletes the messages before my wife can see them and then she calls her and blocks her. Which of course made my wife think I'm still talking to the girl. Then my wife also thinks I have secret emails and snap chats like I use to have in the past to talk to females which I don't but she asks me about it and states that *till the divorce is final I'm still cheating*. Even though I literally have been only focused on trying to get her back home that is it.
I got in some legal trouble with the police and I told her I was speaking with them, she got worried and was blowing my phone up scared, once I got arrested I called her I told her I'm sorry about everything I ever done and that I promise I really wasn't cheating anymore and that I loved her...and she said it back! But once I got out of jail the next day it was like she instantly got bitter towards me again. But in August both her and my son are going on a beach vacation and to make sure she's comfortable i got a hotel with two beds in the room but I'm so confused cause sometimes it feels like she hates me and sometimes like she loves me. We haven't filed any divorce papers and she is always still mad at me saying I'm doing things with other women and I swear I am not even talking or entertaining a single person.
Recently I found out she is doing the same things I did online and I confronted her about it and she stated, *I cant be the only one having fun, and that i made her hate herself* and its true, when i was going through getting help i learned that what i was doing definitely caused that.
I don't care what my wife has done with any guy even if it's physical, my wife believes that I have not changed, that if she comes home I'm just going to repeat everything again and that I'll never be faithful and honest to her. She doesn't understand that I seemed help and did everything just cause I want to be a great husband to her.
Oh and btw when we are on the phone texting she is distant but when we are together in person we joke and laugh and even poke each other like we use to and for a moment we start texting a lot when we get home. But the next day it's like the sun sets and she's mad again.
I'm asking advice from anyone, please cause August I honestly want to give my wife that ring and explain to her how much I love and want her in my life, how much I desire her smile and how that old me has been gone for some years. I just want to make my wife happy and smile but she can't keep her heart out the past and think *he's just going to do it again*. I am not that man anymore, and I'll never be that man again, all I want is her, I just want my wife back.
Please help...
I'm sorry if I posted this in the wrong thread.
