2 weeks ago my wife came to me, after a 6 month separation, and for the first time acknowledged her 8-month affair, its duration (ended last month), and the harm it has done. She was tearful and apologetic. This was the first movement of any kind toward me since January! This signficantly raised my hopes (not just the confession, but her whole mood toward me). But since then she has been more determined than ever to finish off our divorce (we are 80% of the way through settling out of court). I have felt more desperate the last 2 weeks than the previous months. I am really stuck on what, if anything, to do.

Doc -<P>What happened at the time of the conversation? Have you read Dr. Harley's material and been using it? How did you speak with her? What was your reaction?<P>Sorry for all the questions, but it hard to say with the little info given here.<P>I'll check back and then maybe we can make some sense out of it.<P>Hugs and Strength,<P>Sheba

Doc,<P>Your wife apparently was feeling remorse for what she put you through, but she still appears to feel that the marriage is not worth salvaging. Of course, I don't know her reasons, so I can't help you there. If you believe that she doesn't have valid reasons for divorcing, give her the positive reasons for working things out.<P>If talking to her fails and she knows that you are keenly interested in reconciling, you have done what you can. Don't beg. Have dignity. To borrow the old saying: "...you can't make her drink."<P>Best wishes.

I have read Dr. Harley's book. I've been in a kind of Plan B mode, with very little contact. She never admitted to the affair at any point, never explored counseling or reconciliation, just "boom" wanted a divorce. Our conversation was only 5 minutes at a restaurant, where she admitted the affair, acknowledged how wrong it was and said she was sorry. I thanked her for her honesty, with tears of my own. It felt like I got my wife back for 5 minutes. It was the first time she looked me in the eye with wholeness in months. I responded with a very short note indicating I was still very interested in saving the marriage, that I still found her desirable, and that I was still for her. She made no response to that note, and kept our mediation meeting (we are quite close to settling out of court). It was so discouraging. And confusing. Why the confession, just days before a big mediation meeting. It wore me out.

Hi Doc -<P>Well, It seems that she had a moment of realism and let herself see all she has done. Sounds like there's still a lot of confusion that she's dealing with. She is not over the OM even if it broke off. Allowing for that and perhaps some thoughts that there were problems between the two of you, maybe she feels stuck between a rock and a hard place - the escape is divorce! <P>I guess that there are two things you could do:<P>Have you been following the principles of Dr. Harley's - I know you said you were in Plan B - but is that by choice or is that merely the way things went and then you found this place?<P>I think that she might be feeling that you both could never fix your marriage and it's pointless. Is there a way to show her that you have learned how you can work on things? Have you discovered what can be done to make the old problems and perhaps habits better?<P>The other thing would be to ask her why she is so adament about this divorce. <P>I hope this has helped some. I'm at the beginning stages of divorce, myself and all I can do is keep showing my H that I love him and have learned alot about what is wrong and how to fix it. But he has to work at it, too!!<P>So far, he's still looking for the easy way out......<P>Hugs and Strength,<P>Sheba<BR>

Thanks Sheba. Good words. I do plan on asking her why she is so adamant on divorce. Back in Jan when she filed, her reasons were incredibly vague, and her lack of openness to discuss anything with me, with a counselor, with a friend was pretty airtight. I still don't really know why she wants a divorce, other than she entered into the insanity of an affair, which messes up everything. What is so difficult about this is that we had both commented on how far we felt our marriage had come in the last couple years. We enjoyed lunches together, an annual romantic trip in the spring, a great family vacation. We just bought a new house and moved in less than 3 months before she filed for divorce. It is utterly bewildering to me and to our children. Thanks for your thoughts.