Thank you for reading this,<p>Whoever is out there, I made a terrible mistake and I need some advice. This is my first time posting and I am in need of good advice.Be warned that this is a deep and complex issue and I see no way of resolving it. <p>My Fiance and I were supposed to be married on November 4th, the Anniversary of the first night we met and fell in love. However I have been working like a Dog to finish school. And in my last quarter(which ended september 28th) I completely neglected my beautiful fiance. <p>I had an apartment that I lived in close to campus during the week, and on weekends we would see each other, But During the last 2 months of the quarter, I only saw her twice. I was in my own little universe about finishing, and I thought that after I finished, I could treat her like gold, and we would be married and it would all be nice. She ended up calling me like 5 or 6 times a day, and when she did get a hold of me All she wanted to do was talk for hours like we used to, but I had work to do and I blew her off. I could always justify it by telling myself, In a little while it'll all be worth it. But all she wanted was for me to talk with her, and let her know I love her.<p>And when I managed to get a weekend away, I came back home, and I stupidly did nothing but work. And finally she confronted me,And while she was attempting to ask me about how we could resolve our problems. She did everything Oprah said. she tried to get me to explain how I was feeling and open up to her. SHe was expressing her concerns about us growing apart.<p> I was fed up, I was stressed and I was angry, And I blew up at her in front of her Family. I said things to her about how ungrateful she was and all I was doing was for us, and if I need a few months to finish my bachelors degree that she had to live with it. <p>In one stupid, obnoxious outburst, I destroyed five wonderful years. It was actually one stupid obnoxious outburst,combined with the fact that I had hardly spoken to her in the past four months,and when ever I did, I was always in a Hurry to rush her off the phone. I neglected her, had almost no communication for an extended period of time, and I blew up at her. I had taken her for granted.<p>She wouldn't speak to me for 3 weeks. and when she did. She talked to me in a way that she never had, it was cold and indifferent. She says we are no longer engaged. She says that if we are anything we should be friends, and I need to respect that.<p>And so I tried, Just the other night We went out, we had fun like we used to, And I sat her in the car, and I apologized with all of my heart and soul, and I told her that I would never do anything like that again. That she was my reason for trying as hard as I did in school. And I told her how I think about her every day and night. And I would never dream of hurting her again.<p>Her eyes watered a little, but then she said, That her feelings were clear. That we can be friends.And that was that. She kissed me on the cheek. <p>The fact that she's distanced herself from me, She's going out all the time with her friends, and I know her friends are trying to set her up with other guys, It's like the doctor said that whole thing about the giver and the taker. About how I obviously wasn't meeting her emotional needs So she's going out with all her other "guy friends" which she recently accquired.<p>I realize I messed it up. I know that it was all my fault. And tonight online, I was chatting with her, and I just broke down. She told me to lay off the relationship stuff. But I kept going And telling her how she was the only one who I could be happy with and everything else you would say if you had just lost the only real person you ever connected with, and they had more important things to do. Well, naturally she put me on Ignore.I keep digging this hole deeper. I try to tell her that I want to resolve our issues, but she says that only people in serious relationships have issues like that and we are no longer serious. But I am.<p>I am still deeply in love with her, and I realize that I messed up something good, the best thing I have ever had. I have such a negative balance in her love bank. What can I do to repair Nearly half a year of neglect and abuse. Especially when it's over in her mind. We were supposed to be married in two weeks. <p>I am trying to tell her that if she would just take me back, that I would be perfect to her. I would do whatever it took to make her happy.And to make it worse, I am getting job offers all over the country. We were supposed to pick the perfect place for us to live. I can't leave now, not with us like this. I need my best friend and my companion back. But like I said, I don't think that there's anything I can do. Everytime I try, she pushes me away and calls the "friendship" thing into play. <p>I was a jerk and I can't expect her to love me after how I treated her. But I can't picture my life without her. How do I convince her that I won't ever hurt her again like that? What can I do to bring back what is lost?<p>Thanks for bearing with me, It's a long drawn out, complicated situation,and I keep getting more and more depressed. This was supposed to be our real beginning in the world.<p>whatever advice you have will be much appreciated.

Well, Jarrod, I do agree with you. Ya messed up. And at such a time! I can certainly see how everything got really stressful finishing school and planning a wedding right on the tail of graduating. Your efforts are noble about school and preparing for a good job. Are you sure you are ready for the commitment of marriage? It takes the needs of your spouse into account too, just as importantly as your own. Unilateral decisions such as you made to "blow her off" shows that perhaps you have other things on your agenda that you need to accomplish before you are ready. What do you think?<p>Perhaps all is not lost. Time will tell. I suggest you read up on everything this website has to offer. MB concepts will give you a blueprint on how to build a loving, healthy relationship...with your fiance or any other relationship that develops in the future. <p>You do have an advantage over her other possible suitors in that you attracted her in the first place to the point of wanting to marry you. You have a history together, BUT you've also complicated things by hurting her dreadfully, before you're even married. I think you're going to have to do a lot of work proving yourself if you expect to attract her seriously again. <p>If you are sure you want to try to regain her love, yes, that will play an important part in your job search. I don't see how distance will help, but you must also not make yourself obnoxious at this point or she will lose more respect for you. I think your best bet is to remember the things that attracted her to you in the first place and try to build a growing friendship with her again. Like, start at the beginning but with more insight into what she likes. <p>No lovebusters!

Laura, <p>Thank you for your reply. I just talked with her today, and we are going to Spend halloween together. She used to tell me that She first saw me on halloween, but couldn't work up The nerve to come up and talk to me until a few days later.<p>We are going to chat tonight. And I am going to start applying the concepts. I need to start making deposits in her Love bank. I am so Overdrawn, that other people look a lot better than me. I have felt that everytime I talked with her was a time to apologize, and beg her to take me back. <p>Well, I took a step back and tried to see it from her point of view. I must have seemed like a sniveling needy work-a-holic to her when I was begging. And The acceptance of the situation has begun to sting me, and I remain hopeful that she will see what she saw, and fall in love with me again.<p>But the frighening possibility that I might never be able to deposit enough into her love bank for her to fall in love with me again, Is also creeping up on me. <p>I feel that if I can just reach that point with her, that point where She wants to be with me, we could get counseling, and resolve a lot. But at this point, she sees no possibility of us being together, or the way she put it" I'm not looking to take you back right now"<p>Begging and pouring out my heart to her, is only going to make me unattractive. The only way I see to attract her is by showing her I've changed. And I have. She is more precious to me than any degree or any job. I could work at KFC and be happy, as long as I had her. Now I have my world ahead of me, but I'm alone. What I gave up for that stupid piece of paper...was the one shot I had to be truly content. <p>Anyone reading this, Let your husband/Wife/Fiance know right now how much you love them. Let them know before they don't care anymore, show them, hold them, make them know that they are the light of your life. If you don't, It will end up like me, I am a case study on the effects of relationship neglect. And I hope someone can learn from the Stupid mistakes I made.<p>lonesome me

Well jarrod. .I really felt I should reply .. because about six months ago, I was in practicaly the same place as you. .
My fiance and I just graduated from college in May, but that whole last semester, I had really easy classes and he was loaded down in work. He was so focused on "achieving his goal" that he didn't put the time into our relationship, it wasn't just him though. .we both made mistakes.<p> We have been dating over 4 years and we fell into kind of a rut, so to speak. While we both lived on campus he was always busy with work and I often felt VERY neglected. .<p>Actually from everything he has told me it sounds exactly like your situation.. with the exception that I got totally pissed off at him and I also began to not fufill his emotional needs, like he was not fufilling mine. .so he turned to other people to fufil them. .this was when I realized we were in seroius trouble. .I confronted him and he got mad too. .(not in front of my family though) but we decided to work on it and see what happended. .<p>well to make a long story short, we went through three or four months of hell and then I found this site because I was totally at my wits end. I wanted to break up with him and never see him again as long as I lived. .but I didn't after I found this site I began looking around and reading. .and I found that there were people out there who were in much worse situations than I was. .and if they could do it I could to.<p> .so I began to deposit love into his account. .and at first I totally thought it was not going to work ..we were still on the verge of breaking it up. .I threw my ring at him. .ect .ect..but slowly but surely he began to come around..
He told me later that it was like I was someone totally different. .He felt before like I didn't care and now I was concerned about his needs. .I must tell you though its TOUGH to totally focus on the other person and not your needs. <p>But I just wanted to encourage you and tell you that it really can work. .It seems as if you love her very much and that is HUGE! you need to show her this. .! Let her know how special you think she is. .But DON'T become annoying with it. If she want's you to be her friend. .do it, and be there for her, let her know that she is a priority in your life, but don't try to FORCE her to be your girlfriend as hard as this may be, just become her best friend again. .like you were before. .
Keep on depositing in her love bank. .Let her know you love her,but you will respect her feelings. You can SHOW her you love her, with out telling her all the time. . She may percieve you telling her that all the time as being pathetic. .play a little hard to get. . [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Good Luck. .I'll be praying for you and your fiance..<p>[ October 31, 2001: Message edited by: nlove ]</p>

It has never seemed so utterly hopeless as now
I told her about the concepts I have been reading and that I need to deposit more love into her bank. But she told me straight out, that when I blew up at her, she met someone else who has been depositing so much in her bank, that it gave her the confidence to leave me. I feel so jealous, because I come over to hang out with her, and they talk on the phone for a long time while I wait. <p>Well, SHe doesn't even trust me enough to start letting me deposit into her account. WHenever we talk, espescially after talking with him. Our conversations are so superficial and boring. It hurts more than you can imagine when she says that she only wants to be friends. This guy has started to meet her emotional needs and now, to be frank. I have no chance. I can't comptete with the attention she shows him. And when I am "allowed" to make deposits. They're small ones. Like rubbing her shoulders. Or getting her stuff. But when I stopped making deposits into her account, She found someone else who would. SHe confides in him, she tells him her deepest thoughts. <p>I keep praying that God will provide me with a way to show her love, and gain her trust, but He just happened to be at the right moment at the right time. <p>Well, at least she was open enough to tell me that this "friend" has been meeting needs that I wasn't meeting. I love her so much. and the fact that this punk just happened to catch her on the rebound... <p>
anyways,<p>keep praying, God knows I love her. I hope that she can trust me soon.