It often puzzles me whether I should regard my boyfriend as someone whom I have full commitment to (preparing for future marriage) or just as a temporary choice. I like the thought of marrying my boyfriend in future and I am confident of forming a happy family with him. But I haven't been 'clean' with my ex, meaning that I have still been in contact with my ex, and he still affects me emotionally even after 4, 5 years. There are times when i just feel like having an 'affair'with him.. <p>I read the column on "coping with infidelity" and found that there were many things that were quite relevant to me, although I'm not married with my boyfriend. I do wish to be able to commit fully into creating a meaningful and happy relationship with my boyfriend. But I find that I really am unable to make myself separate completely from my ex, it is too painful for me, and he is the only person who can communicate with me at a satisfying intellectual level. I know that me and my boyfriend will be able to work things out if we aren't meeting each other's emotional needs, but I am sure he will not be able to meet my intellectual needs like my ex does. I do not know whether I should separate from my ex even as a friend, and put in effort to nurture my relationship (even though it is not yet a marriage), or should I leave my boyfriend to allow myself the opportunity to make a choice again, or is it even possible to continue on with my relationship and also continue on with friendship with my ex? It feels to me that it is too early for me to make a decision now to commit fully into a relationship and cut off friendship with another important person. Yet if I do not do something about it, I fear my relationship (which me and my boyfriend had put in so much efforts to develop) will eventually come to an end. <p>I had been honest to my boyfriend about my 'close-to-affair' episodes and he had forgiven me time and again. I had been taking a few 'temporary breaks' with my boyfriend to reconsider my decision, but I have never been able to really resolve this issue. <p>Would anybody be able to offer me some advices? Thank you.

Your situation with your ex may be different than most but the emotions are the same as if you'd had an affair instead of a marriage. Why would you think you would be able to forget those emotions when you're still in contact? Why ARE you still in contact? If you really want to start a healthy new relationship, sounds like you need to break contact with your ex. You can't have three people in a relationship. Bummer, huh? But true. How is your boyfried supposed to commit until you do?

I understand how u feel. The reason I used to feel the way I did is because I felt like my BF was lacking in the the things I enjoyed with my ex. The first 6 monthe we were together it just didn't work because I wasn't giving him a fair chance. We broke up and I went back to my ex. I realized that wasn't working either and those things I felt I needed with the guy before just was negotiable. The things I was going thru with my ex just wasn't. It was a reminder of why we weren't supposed to be together in the first place.<p>Needless to say. I am back with my BF and there have been substantial changes. The communication between me and the ex has stopped. I love my BF and I am commited to making that work.<p>When you throw a monkey wrench into the situation you are asking for trouble. One day your BF may not be as understanding or forgiving. Appreciate the person he is and work with that. You can't lose. You have everything to gain!<p>Q

Thank you very much for your replies. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

For years I was in a similar situation. I always had my ex on the side. I suppose he mad me feel good. When I started dating my now fiance, I told him that I maintained a "friendship" with my ex. Needless to say, he was not very happy with it, but said he couldn't stop me from doing waht I wanted. As the time went on and we became more involved AND he realized how signigant my ex was, he changed his mind. I told him I was having lunch with the ex one day. His words were simple,"Ya know, this isn't really fair to me. How am I suppose to get a fair shot with this guy hanging around. If you want to be with me you will not see him! there is a reason his IS your ex in the first place." I realized that he was right. When I told the ex that I wanted to try to make things work with this new guy he said "You'll be back! You always are!" What a jerk! I thought, but he WAS right. When things went bad with whoever I was with, I always called on him. I remembered why I wasn't with him in the first place. He was a jerk and always cheated on me. But the limited role he played when I did have boyfriends, was perfect for him. After all these years I continued to allow him to use me. I have not talked to him since that day! I do not miss him at all! Remember there IS a reason he is your EX. . .