This is my first post here and I want to say Hello to everyone and say that I appreciate the chance to get some input from others here.
I am in a relationship with lady from a cultural background that is different from mine. She is divorced after 22 years of her first marriage. She speaks Espanol first and English secondly and not real well. I only speak English. We have similar beliefs and ideas about faith which are very important to me and something that I have searched for in a partner. We have been thinking about getting married but there have been some bumps in the road. The language difference makes it more difficult to resolve problems and to understand each other. All this being said the most recent thing that we are having a problem with is that I don't feel good about the fact that she has been sleeping in the same bed as her 19 year old son who lives in her house. Her 21 year old daughter who is married w/a 2 year old daughter just had her 2nd child. While she was pregnant and for most of the third trimester she has spent most of her time at her mothers house. This includes sleeping with her mother at night most of the time. Her husband has a night job and when he is off sometimes he has spent the night with her at her moms and sometimes they go home. Now that the baby is delivered and out of the hospital they are all staying at moms house. Because of this my friend is in the same bed as her son some nights. All this being said I still feel uncomfortable with all this. I asked why her son does'nt offer to sleep on the couch, buy an air mattress or something but she does'nt see any thing wrong with this arrangement. Does anyone else see anything wrong with this? I have never known anyone who lives like this. Do I need to work on my feelings here? Any input will be appreciated.

It may just be a cultural difference...but I would have a problem with it too...

Thanks for the comment TR. I feel like this sleeping arrangement gives the appearance of incest. Do you think that there is such a thing as "emotional incest"? The thought of sleeping in the same bed as my mother or father gives my the creeps. Would you explain how you would feel about this? Thanks

I agree that it could truly be a cultural difference or perhaps your SO would feel bad if her son had to sleep on the couch. It is very likely that she does not see the harm in the situation - as I'm sure he is her baby.

I do agree with you in that I would not feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed with my father - but my mother would be a different story - perhaps that's because I'm female or maybe its just different when its mom.

Open communication is the key... maybe you could suggest an alternative to your SO and explain to her why you would be more comfortable with that alternative.

I would certainly share your discomfort at the situation you describe. However, please allow me to shed a little light on this. My son has been married for nearly ten years to a woman from Peru. She has a large extended family, many of whom also live nearby. Not only does that family regularly and continuously share and exchange living and sleeping quarters, various members sleeping with various other members in any kind of arrangement, short and long term, my own grandchildrem (to my shock and horror) shared a bed with their parents until they were of school age. Now that they are 9 and 6, they mostly have their own room and beds, but even so not always. They feel quite free to come into their parents' bed anytime they like and often do.

The point is this -- it's definitely a cultural difference. As Americans, we find this aberrant and questionable at the least, approaching incest at worse, but to Hispanic families, such things are simply normal. They have a completely different idea of "family" than we do. I'm not going to make any value judgments here - just pointing out that it's almost certainly not what you're thinking with your American viewpoint. It might perhaps be a matter for negotiation if you can get your SO to consider the differences in your outlook on such matters.

My son has largely given in to it. With him against about 400 Peruvians I guess he didn't stand a chance. But you can try. Best of luck!

When I first read your posting I started laughig out loud, because I saw much of my family in your words. I am of a hispanic family, born in Nicaragua but raised in the United States. I am very much American in my thinking but have experienced much of the hispanic way of living. Be assured that your significant other sleeping with her 19 year old son is nothing more than that. I have a brother who is now 17, but just started sleeping in his own room 4 years ago. Yes, my brother slept in my parents room til he was 13 (how they ever had sex is beyond me)! I know you are probobly thinking there must be someting wrong with the kid, but quite frankly there's not, infact he's graduating valadictorian and heading off to ivy league in the fall. That is beside the point, however, hispanic families are very close in ways American families are not, and I can understand how this can be hard for you to understand. Bear in mind, that while I was growing up, we often had family parties and then instead of going home like most people do after parties, they would just stay the night at my parents house. Not only did everyone say the night, we all shared the same rooms and cousins even shared the same bed. There was nothing unusual about this. I am married now, and my mother insists on coming over and staying the night when my husband is away on business trips. If that wasn't bad enough, she likes to sleep in the same bed with me. I don't mind really, I know it is just the way she and many other hispanc mothers are. I hope this helps.
Laci