i have been engaged to my fiance for 8 months now and i am having a harder time now than ever trying to deal with the fact that his family hates me because i am a diffrent denomination than they are and they think i stole there baby boy away because when he was in high school my parents took him away from his home where he was being beating. he tells me not to worry about it that they are the way they are but lately all i can do is cry about it and they just told that they got our wedding announcment and they wouldnt be caught dead at our wedding please help i dont know what to do

Dear Courtney,

I am sorry for your pain. I wish that I had some magic words of wisdom for you but unfortunately, there are none.

There is no way to force your fiance's family to accept you because the problem is their's not yours. You could be the most perfect soulmate for your fiance but they will not see it because they refuse to see beyond their own prejudices. From what you have said, they have some serious issues themselves (past abuse). They are the ones who are the losers in this case.

You have the choice to accept his family for what they are. Focus on what you and your fiance have together, build and nurture the relationships between your family, fiance, and yourself. Do not define your life by the acceptance or non acceptance of his family. They are not worth it. His family will never be what you imagine. Only if you can accept this, should you go through with your plans to marry. Otherwise, you are going to be faced with continual heartache and rejection.

I have been married for 30 years to my husband. For the first 10 years I frequently cried myself to sleep over the heartache of rejection from his family. It was not until I accepted that his family was not the ideal loving relatives I yearned to have, did I finally have peace in my life and marriage. I expect nothing from them and therefore am never disappointed. I have actually been pleasantly surprised in recent years at a few compliments from my mother-in-law. I do not let these few glimpses of niceness let me forget who they are. I feel sorry that my husband's family missed out on being close to my children and me.

Sorry I did not have anything encouraging for you but I do wish you the best. You sound like a lovely person.

You didn't marry your in-laws, you married your H. Focus on your relationship with him. You cannot change your in-laws.

If you still have contact with them and they cannot be respectful of you both to you and when speaking to your H about them, you may need, as a couple, to break contact with them until they can.

Please get the book "Love Busters". There is a chapter in there about conflicts over friends and family, although I guess in your case it is conflicts WITH friends and family. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I agree with the last post...you are going to be married to him not his family. I have the same problem with my H's family. They pre-judged me and now in thier eyes I will never be part of his family. All you need to know is that your H loves you. It doesn't matter what other people think. I use to get really upset about it and cry everyday but now I don't care. Let them think what they want it will be their loss not yours.
Take care,
SandmansAngel