My teenage love and I were separated when we were 15. We had promised each other eternal love. Three years after we separated I met my husband. I was almost 18. I got pregnant but did not want to marry him or have an abortion. My family did not support me so I ended up living with my husband in order to keep the baby. My husband was a jerk, in our first years of marriage he abused me physically and fooled around with many girls. Since we are members of a church i thought I should stick with him for the better of my family and kid. 3 years later I had a second child. Things did not get better. Little by little my love or "attraction" for lack of better terms fell apart. We have been married for 13 years now. We have two daughters a 13 and 10 years old. In 1998 my teenage love contacted me, since we separated he had two girlfriends ,and he is still single. I have seen him once a year for the last three years and wonder how would have been my life like if we were married. I have not had sex with him, we just enjoyed each others company. He does not want to get into a relationship with me or at least he does not want to admit it. (he lives in a different country). However, I feel I was trapped for the circumstances of my marriage and would like to separate from my husband, live by myself and figure out what I really want. My husband has changed now, and assures me he loves me and constantly asks for forgiveness, but i feel my heart is hardened. Last time he put a hand on me I promised him I would call the police this was in in 1997. Later i found some love letters he'd written to a co-worker . Supposedly, he loves me and would do anything for me. But, it is difficult to believe in him, furthermore forgive gim. I don't know what to do, sometimes I feel I want to divorce him, but I am scared of taking the chane, I fear for my daughters and would not want them to blame me for a divorce. Furthermore, I have loss all sexual desires for my husband and my feelings hurt him a lot.

Unhappy,<P>NO MAN or no person will ever make you happy. NEVER! I have learn this the hard way. Happiness comes from the LORD.<P>SEEK GOD! HE is the ONLY one that can answer these questions for you. <P>I learned God's will for marriage by going to this site: <A HREF="http://www.restorem.org" TARGET=_blank>www.restorem.org</A> <P>The book here is God's word and His word speaks truth! This may be a hard path for your to follow. Leaving your husband and going with this highschool sweetheart is not the answer.<BR>The grass is not greenier on the other side. Love is a choice you make. Real love comes from God. I can say all this because I have lived all this. Divorce is not an end to anything, it just changes things and brings about different problems.Stop chasing dreams. The ideal marriage doesn't come from man, a good loving marriage comes from God. He must supply ALL your needs. <P>You need God's truth.<P>gentle

Unhappy, you will be in my prayers. The feelings you have towards your H may be putting your first love up on a pedestal. Pray for guidance and peace. Take care.

When we hurt, we always have a love we look back to. Your first love will always be special to you but he is not your husband. You have two children with the man who is your husband. These are choices you made. Don't try to remake your life - your children exist, your husband exists. You can't undo your family so you need to learn how to love your family and especially how to love your husband.<P>The Restore Ministry books are great. I don't know where you are spiritually at the moment but this is a great crisis you are in and I think you've been guided here. You need to get spiritual help. Don't make any decisions right now. Your impulses could be misguided. Ask the Lord for help in handling your lack of love for your husband. Don't dwell in thoughts of your first love. Be happy that you know you can love and know that you are worthy of being loved. Maybe that was why you had that first relationship and now you are learning new things in this relationship.<P>We all come to a time in our life when our circumstances seem to crowd us in and make us feel trapped. We feel it was all a mistake and want to undo it. You are not alone and you are really not alone in wanting to undo your marriage. I spent the first 9 years wondering if I had made a mistake and the next 5 trying to convince my husband it wasn't a mistake. If we had both just accepted our situation and tried to make it as beautiful as possible we wouldn't have wasted so much time!! Don't waste another minute of your life hurting your husband and doubting your decisions. Love whatever you can in him.<P>The Lord wants you to get closer to Him so you are being tempted away. Don't fall for it. There is a plan for you but you need to stay married and stop allowing yourself to fantasize about someone who isn't your husband. That can be a form of adultery. <P>When I came very close to leaving, I said to myself: "What sort of man would I look for?" I realized I didn't care about looks or sexiness or his job or whatever but I wanted someone who would be a good father for my daughter. Then I realized that for my daughter the only good father was HER father. She sure didn't want a stepfather. So think of your daughters. They want you with your husband. They don't want a stepfather, not even your first love. He is NOTHING to them compared to their father.<P>It is up to you to resist temptation but we will help you. Don't give up. You have made a great step by seeking help and prayers rather than being impulsive. GOOD JOB!!! <P>Let's pray: Jesus, guide this unhappy woman back to You. Let her feel Your loving presence in her heart. Heal her wounds and disappointments with her life. She is so beautiful to You and so important that You died so she could be with You. Don't let your enemy tempt her with fantasies. Take away her desire for any man other than her husband. Help her to find peace by helping others and loving her family. You want her family to remain together. Let her desire to do Your will and help it to be easy for her through our prayers. I ask this through your name, Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. Amen.