I am trusting in God as best I can. Thanks for your input.<BR>Now today, I resisted the urge to call and guess what?<BR>Like expected: At 6pm our son comes inside and asks was Daddy going to pick them up or what? I said well call and talk to him.<P>He talked to both kids,then asked for me and reminded me of the separation agreement (my appointment with an attorney) on Tuesday. He was a bit curt and pretty brief as though he didn't want to talk to me -said he was tired.!!<P>Well,every time he talks to me at length its followed by at least a day of shut off/cut off.<P>WHY? <P>I think I know the answer but would be interested in input.<P>Right now I'm pretty down. I sent my daughter upstairs as she was being obnoxious and has already been grounded today. She is crying and so was I. <P>I know I got on the rollercoaster after last night.SO, I suppose its to be expected.<P>Thanks <BR>LKD<P><BR>

Good morning - there's nothing like a little progress followed by disappointment to bring you way down, eh?<P>I know how you feel - it used to happen every time we got physically close to each other and he let his guard down - I would be "paid back" for two days.<P>But you and I are both learning not to look at the waves but at Jesus who invites us to walk on the water. <P>I think you're doing very well. You are being a good mother by not allowing the children to go unpunished when they misbehave. Hang in there.<P>Jesus - please calm the waves because we are still human like Peter and it's difficult to walk on water when you are human. Let our circumstances become more tranquil so we never take our eyes off you and most of all we have the energy to take care of the others in our lives without wasting it on negative emotions. Bless lkd today in a special way. Please pour out Your grace and forgiveness on her and hold her tight in Your strong arms. Don't let the enemy so much as nip her heel today, Sweet Savior. I ask this in Your Holy Name, Jesus Christ, our Lord, Only Son of the Living God. I know that You will grant this as I ask You humbly in Your Name. Thank You for the grace and relief You are giving me and lkd right now as she reads this.<BR>Amen.

Thank you so my trying to hope for your kindness and prayers.<P>I'm up early to get to work,he is coming by to get the kids off to summer school/sitter. Then as he is working days I should see him tonite and several days this weeks at least almost every morning.<P>I prayed hard last night for peace but it just so upset me. I had trouble sleeping. <P>May God Bless us all indeed.<BR>LKD<BR>

lkd, I just had a world record bad conversation with my husband (I put the phone down not once but 3 times...!!)<P>I am upset - he drives me up a wall. But I know that even though I screwed up (This must be plan M for Mess up ;-) )<BR>tomorrow is another day.<P>If my husband were around as much as yours, I am sure I would absolutely lose it and throw a slipper or something right at him. Luckily, I only have to see him once a week so I can control myself a little better.<P>I guess my point is that we are all going to mess up. There is no way you can keep calm in the face of their outrageous behavior. It's too meaningful for our lives. If we were trying to decide whether to get a Coke or a Pepsi and our spouses drove us crazy, we'd just let them decide. Instead, here we are talking about our children, our futures, our lives. We would be a little strange if we never lost our tempers or said the wrong thing. <P>I do believe prayer helps us to get close to the Lord and the more we are in sync with Him , the higher the probability that we are going to stay calm, and if we lose it, at least we'll throw something soft...<P>Who knows if every so often a little righteous anger and rage isn't good for those in a fog??<P>So don't sweat it. Don't harbor your anger so it can't fester. Apologize (leave a message on an answering machine if you have to) and pick up and start over if you make a mistake. I am trying to learn that we have lots of days and if we mess up 1 or 2, there are still plenty left ...<P>God bless you and all of us in our epic struggle!!! :-) It's a long battle but somebody has to win it so it might as well be us...<P>

Boy when I mess up I don't go half-way.<P>Tomorrow morning I go see an attorney about reviewing the separation agreement. I have been so upset all day and broke down on the way home crying out to God to help me. I got home and went online to divorcebusters.com and read a post about a woman ,well never mind. It just made me throw caution to the wind and when he came by instead of being nice and agreeable I said something like, " you know , you are right about this whole thing. I intend to find the kids a father who will be here." <P>Oh man did that backfire. He said go ahead. I will always be there father. Through a lot of junk at me the most hurtful of which was: I don't care what you do. Have someone move in. I'll find a mother,shall I?<P>Oh, God why did I do this???????<P>I called him up after a got back to his apartment and asked him to forgive me,that I didn't mean it,and that I am so sorry,and that I am just so upset about tomorrow.<P>He just alright. and okay.<P>Somebody please pray hard for me. I have no one to call or talk to right now.<P>I have cried so hard in the past hour I can hardly breath. <BR>I believe God promised me a reconciliation. but you know I just can't do this much more without being committed.<P>Please help.<BR>

lkd:<P>LKD,<BR> You didn't screw up....you are only human and you had a human reaction to a very bad situation. Don't beat yourself up....just ask Jesus to help you do better from now on, and then do better!<P>Remember, YOU are praying for God's will. Remember, WE prayed with you for God's timing on this separation agreement. Go into your meeting KNOWING that God's hand is on this document. God told you when to sign it, God knew you were signing it, God knows the beginning of it from the ending of it.....just keep trusting HIM, even when you don't see anything good going on. Remember, FAITH is the evidence of things NOT SEEN....remember this tomorrow. Claim it....<P>Take a nice hot bath tonight, do something NICE for you, put on a nice, silky nightgown, and some soft music on, and just enjoy your solitude and let the Lord bathe your insides and put you into a sweet slumber....take your mind off your "issues" for a few hours tonight, if you can....it'll help you feel better for tomorrow.<P>I believe that whenever we "win one" from the Devil, he goes to work OVERTIME to OUTDO us the next go-round....you and your H were talking and getting close to discussing issues that need attention. Satan does not want this, as he wants to break up your Xn M, so he sent his "workers" to make your H feel MAD at you again! It's all part of the spiritual battle. Remember, WE KNOW WHO WINS THIS ONE!! The devil is defeated already!! Don't give in to him....call on the blood of the lamb of God and cast Satan away!! <P>Always remember this is a SPIRITUAL battle, don't try to fight it in the flesh.<P>Lord Jesus, thank you that we can fight this battle AT ALL. We know we "wrestle not against flesh and blood, but powers and prinicipalities in high places..." Lord, we ask you to give us victory over the devil and his schemes. Lord, we ask that LKD knows that YOU are our righteousness and savior in times of trouble. Lead us, Lord, Protect us, Lord, and give us your peace that passes all understanding. Thank you for answering ALL our prayers and loving us enough to die for us and give us your gift of eternal life.<BR>In the name of Jesus, our Lord and Savior.<BR>AMen.<P>Lupo<P>

Lupo,<BR>Oh, you are wonderful. I finally got hold of 2 of my friends (also neighbors) what would I do without them. They both came down separately and prayed with me. <P>One of them suggested that I make a written list of the ways that God has blessed me in the past and answered my prayers.<P>What a great idea when one is challenged.<P>I just spoke to the kids and h. I apologized again. He said okay. I said it's so hard. It's just soooo hard. <BR>and you know..........<P>He said: I know it is.<P>and you know I believe this was God's way of making me feel better. <P>H knows. Under all the anger and callousness he is really hurting.<P>I have to make my list so I can work on my faith issues.<P>Also, one of the guys I work with is deeply religious (or at least I think so): He asked how I'd been. I said blah,blah,blah, but you know I have trouble trusting,completly giving it over to HIM. <P>He said WHAT? "You know it should be easier to trust God. He doesn't change. He is always constant. You should know by now that you can't trust man."<P>and simple though it is: I struggle constantly. But we all should know that he is right. I expect its the unseen and the walking out knowing our steps are guided.<P>My friends believe that God is molding me. He must be,because 3 months ago I could not have gotten this far.<P>May God Bless us indeed.<P>Thank you Lupo.<P>P.S. The house next door to mine is up for sale. They just recarpeted today...............I could handle another good neighbor :> )))

So this morning I went to see the attorney. She thought it was rather interesting that he took so long to give it to me and left so much blank for me to fill in.<P>What shocked me the most was that I thought it was just a standard agreement with our names on it,but at the beginning on the first page over 1/2 page is spent on saying" each party is agrees to not harass,pursue..blah,blah,blah, and then says each party may live and is free to conduct all business,personal,professional,and social stuff as though single and unmarried."<P>She said what? you agree with adultery?????<P>So, I go back to see her next week and she will get another agreement done.<P>Now the question is why would he put that there? <P>My thoughts are one of several things: he is punishing me by being "in your face" with it. <BR>He needs approval for it (sort of the mother thing)<BR>or he its a trust issue-as in you wouldn't trust me for this specific reason so now I will give you a reason????<P>Any thoughts???<P>lkd

<B>...beginning on the first page over 1/2 page is spent on saying" each party is agrees to not harass,pursue..blah,blah,blah, and then says each party may live and is free to conduct all business,personal,professional,and social stuff as though single and unmarried."<BR></B><P>LKD, <BR> I wouldn't worry too much about this "verbiage" - it's FOGESE, probably at the urging of OP. If your attorney can change it, by all means do so. I found the "...each party agrees not to harass, pursue...blah, blah" stuff EXTREMELY upsetting, until someone who's "BEEN THERE< DONE THAT" told me it's all just "standard operating procedure" on those forms, and not to take it personally. So I didn't, and I didn't stay upset about it too much longer, either.<P>As long as we pray, and seek God's kingdom, He's going to make all these STUPID forms made by MAN turn to dust and nothingness, anyway, so don't sweat it!!!!!<P>God Bless, sweetie!<P>BTW - 2 weeks before H left, we had moved into a *beautiful* house that we remodeled ourselves, tearing out walls, etc., took 5 months to make it liveable, so NO - we are NOT moving anywhere for awhile!! <P>Lupo<BR>

The attorney said is was not standard...........????That's why it gave me pause.<P>I agree,its a fog,for what ever reason...........<P>I haven't even mentioned it to him. He was supposed to pick up kids at 5-6 this eve but called at 4 said he would be late then at 730ish and said didn't look like he'd make it as he was still at work. <P>I said fine.Perhaps tomorrow if he could and then Thursday as well if that was okay with him.<P>I told the kids and my son just started bawling"But he promised....."then my daughter started............<P>So, I had to explain to them about how sometimes we break promises and don't mean to but .......and Daddy really loves you and I know he wanted to come............<P>and what is saddest of all my son is not a cryer. But he just sobbed.<P>God will take care of it. I know it.<P>The kids went out to play late (it's really hot here now) and my neighbors husband threw football with him. That kid can throw a ball like no tomorrow,bless his heart. <P>Anyway.......you know whatever we put out we get back two fold. Reap what you sow. <P>You always get what you deserve sooner or later---its divine law.<P><BR>God bless us all indeed.<P>LKD

Well, I thought I'd let you all know that as it turns out the separation agreement my h gave me was essentially (for a fact) a standard issue one. <P>I thought he had put the "free to behave as though single and unmarried" 1/2 page in there just to get me but it is standard here. <P>However, what is noteworthy, I reckon when I felt God was telling me not to sign anything was done to get me to a point where I could know this and get it removed.<P>The attorney I saw totally disagrees with that phrasing and is going to remove it. She said it condones adultery and I wouldn't have a leg to stand on if I signed it. I cannot,it is wrong. Not to mention the fact that he could bring some floozy around my children which is totally unacceptable to me at this point. <P>My H also went and discussed the Monday argument with our sitter (who's also my good friend)-who unfortunately I cannot speak freely to right now. He told her that "she wants to put a clause in there about me seeing other people" and that I have to "find the Kids a father" and basically how wrong that was-cause he will always be the kids Father.-at least 2nd hand info that's what he said. He also mentioned to her that he was not seeing anybody. <P>Well, the good out of this? I feel a little bit relieved that he wasn't trying to be spiteful(which I expected) with the agreement. It also shows that he gave what I said at least a little bit of thought,enough to mention it to someone else.<P>Well, May God bless us all indeed.<P>lkd