My wayard spouse is angrier than hell, but he is the one who did everything...if I am calm he is fine, if I exhibit or express any pain he becomes defensive abusive and angry...what is this?

guilt.<BR>i looked at your other post- check out <A HREF="http://www.drirene.com." TARGET=_blank>www.drirene.com.</A> maybe that could give you a clue to the spot you're in. thanks.

I think every single person who has been betrayed experiences unexplained anger from the betrayer at some point. It's about as normal as a 3 dollar bill.<P>I would say unexplained, unusual anger all of a sudden is a good sign that your spouse is in fact cheating, it's so common. I mean like a sudden rise in the anger level over normal, that seems to go on for weeks.<BR>

I'm from the "other" side of the coin. I was very very angry at my H because he wouldn't let me go to be with the man I was so "in love" with.<P>I was so irrational in the affair that I actually blamed my H for not letting me have my way.<P>We're nutcases when we're in an affair (and even once we're out -- as I can attest to). The only thing that settled me down was that I was so very sorry for what I'd done to H in the marriage, that I didn't think he deserved the anger .... (this was after I ended the affair of course)<P>Good luck. It ain't easy.

joesbestfriend:<P>All too common problem... you are invading into and attempting to ruin S's fantasy world... (that is S's perspctive... sad as it is. )<P>Other's to expect as well...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Wayward spouses do not necessarily have a history of lying, but their affair turns them into masters of deception. (page 40 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Lines from a wayward spouse deep into an affair...<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>"Stay out of my private life", "I'm disappointed you don't trust me", "I can't remember", "We're just friends", and "I just need some time away to think things through" (pages 40-44 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>And... for you to remember... (S won't buy into this for a long time!)<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Privacy isn't something that improves marriages, It's honesty and openness that improves marriages. (page 41 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>SAA=<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...<BR><p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited November 24, 1999).]

That was my first clue. He has told me that he wanted everything to be my fault and at the time everything about me was what was "wrong" with him. At least he's backed off that theory. Finally he realizes everything he did wasn't about "me".

covenant,<P>thanks for the link.

NSR you are my hero. I am in total agreement with Dr.H's ideas, they seem to hit every point. My W is/was angry at me.1) she said"it took her cheating for me to apretiate her," 2) I ruined her fantacy,3) it brought up unresolved anger from our past. I left her 6 mos. pregnant because I chose drugs over my family.4) it also brought up unresolved childhood issues. Our councelror got right to this point our first session. She is now seeing him yo deal with these issues. Now her anger has shifted to fear. This disease of infidelity sure does mess people up.<P>Hang In, <P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

It must be part guilt and part "see what you made me do". My H was so angry at me and he was the one who hurt me. I couldnt figure it out. He claimed he no longer loved me and was w/someone who treated him better - he should be happy. Deep inside I think he blamed me for making things so bad that he did something he always thought was wrong. In other words I made him do this. I NEVER believed I was to blame for the affair. I am still amazed at how angry the betrayer is at the betrayed but its so typical. Anger cant last forever and I think eventually (hopefully) they see clearly.<P> Magoskid<BR>