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#348825 04/04/01 12:28 AM
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Hi! Just wanted to include any readers hoping for things to improve in your situation--please don't give up. I sure am discovering how rocky the recovery journey is with support and it makes my heart go out to those who hope to win their spouse back..emotionally or into the home, etc.

Our first getaway was a success which is a relief because frankly I worried it might not be...I worried time alone and away might mean a terrible fight or miscommuniciation, etc.

The rose petals? He loved them! they didn't trigger a migraine at all and in fact he kept raving about the beautiful fragrance of them. If you do this at home or go away, buy the roses the day you want them...all the florist does is tear the petals off the rose--I bought 5 at $4 each (dumb but h is worth it ) You can go cheaper and get same effect and likely 3 or 4 roses will do the trick.

I couldn't afford a bunch of gifts or tickets to special places but gave love cards over the 2 nights and 3 days we stayed. We had a fantastic grocery deli supper in our room--it was fun having a picnic inside! Potato salad, Havarti cheese, margarine, mustard, black forest ham and crusty rolls with diet pop and Hershey's Hugs for dessert!

We walked, talked a bit (we didn't work on EN questionnaire which I wasn't totally sure we should on a relaxation getaway), made love, sat in hot tub together, made googly eyes, went to a bookstore, went for coffee.

It was wonderful. The only letdown was coming home I found myself becoming vulnerable and after not really crying negatively since Saturday, the floodgates burst. I felt embarrassed but assured H the trip was more than I hoped for and I want us to do another getaway either at month's end or next month.

Don't be afraid to be yourself. It's who your spouse fell in love with and if you are working on recovery and restoration, he/she will love the new you more as you deposit the romance units along with changing the kitty litter and taking out the trast

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Fresh Start


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FreshStart:

Glad to know the weekend "worked" for you.

How different things would have been if you hadn't told your husband about your affair and he had to find out himseld.

Honesty is a heck of a thing. Tell me up front and I can and will sympathize with you and your predicament since we can all fall into traps. However, keep it from me until I find it out myself and you're in trouble. I always prefer the former.

Perhaps that is one reason why you had such a romantic getaway. Try to have one such every quarter, at least, and YOU do the planning. It will show you're repentant and have a genuine desire to make amends.

Was sex a part of that "romantic weekend"?... If so, to what degree?

After I found out about my wife's Emotional Affair, I ran the gamut of emotions — from disgust to anger and every thing in between. I had absolutely NO desire for her for nine weeks. In fact, we barely said anything to weach other, except for my ranting and raving constantly about her 'betrayal'.

While she would get maybe only a 3 out of 10 when it comes to being enthusiastic about sex and being versatile and exciting, we do fun things while on vacation and I have found that a vacation without sex that is different is no vacation at all.

Someone had posted in the EN forum around March 20 (?) a post titled, "Have You Really Travelled" (For Fun), in which people started telling of the places where they've had sex while on vacation.

I know that some of this might fooend your relligious sensibilities, but it is worth a read. It didn't get very far though, partly bacause it might not have been attractively titled.

I think one of the ways to bring him back to you quickly (especially if Sexual Fulfilment is high on his list of ENs) is to make the sex interesting and enthusiastic. Do some of the things that you don't (or, won't do at home for reasons of time, privacy, etc.

Be different... Show him the 'other' YOU, and show him a lot of it. You might be surprised to see how quickly he might forget your indiscretions and look forward to those getaways.

However, the weekend should not end when you walk back through your front door, but should continue as though you are still out there.

Remember .. you were doing "sexual" things with someone else and he might be wondering what the OM was getting that he wasn't. Since you never went all the way with OM, show your H what you have in your arsenal which you realized was wrong to give to the OM. I guess that was why you stopped short.

Anyway, you were one who gave me hope and encouragement, so I hope this encourages you and that I did not offend. I did not mean to and, in any case, why hide the fact that we are all sexuaal beings and that the quality of a marriage will be enhanced a great deal if the sex is great.

Go for it, I say .. bothe the romantic vacations and the romantic sex as part of the getaways.

Clyde


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Clyde A, thanks for responding! Good to hear from you again.

You certainly did not offend me! My religious beliefs and healing (I was sexually abused by an 18 year old boy babysitter when I was 9) have shaped my attitudes so that now I enjoy this fantastic gift!! My H a few years ago advised a friend of ours going through M problems (wife abused by dad as a kid) that when his W got set free, he'll have more woman than he can ever handle! I felt that was the best compliment of my life! Too bad I forgot it when A was developing

Yes, the getaway included sex. Only a few times. One of my barriers is that I always have had the stronger libido is my shame and guilt often make me feel unworthy to receive love. I even feared that I would never experience orgasm again but not so...thank heaven!

And yes, I did plan most of the weekend. H made hotel arrangements and paid (but we share the money as we get paid about one person's salary between us) but I packed most stuff, got the kids to get ready, did laundry, made home arrangements, bought the cards and rose petals, etc. I think doing all this caused H to initiate sex.

We are learning so much about our characters and how we let things slide during H's cancer treatment.

And honesty...I was terrified but knew I had to confess one more thing to H. I was so worried he would just pack up and take me home but on our walk the first night, I told him that I had to be completely honest and this was bugging my conscience. I told him that while I did not have intercourse with OM, I did allow him entry once but made him withdraw after a few seconds.

Know how he reacted? He held me and said he already knew..that my guilt must have meant something like this when I first said there was sexual activity. I could have lost everything but H is such a treasure, it only drew us closer. And he assured me he never wants to hear of OM and I escapades ever! For me, they grew to remind me of childhood abuse which OM knew of and I believe now victimized me with both that knowledge and recognizing my need for conversation and affection and fun.

We had a tiff last night which turned out to be a total misunderstanding but also was my fault in a sense. We thought one another were angry so we both reacted in anger when we both were really experiencing the same feeling!

Now that I can receive sex willingly and with pleasure, I am trying to think of more creative ways and places to do it thinking is hard work these days but spring is in the air and I'm sure I'll come up something

thanks for telling me I encouraged you..that means so much. As you can tell, I am pretty open-minded and don't mind sharing thoughts on this or any topic so if we can be mutually supportive, great!

Have a gorgeous day. We are going down to the court house to pay a speeding ticket and then walk on the Legislature grounds as it is finally looking like a real spring day.

by the way, I got superbold and confronted my boss about the cruel way we've been treated. We have an appointment with him and his wife at our place Monday at 10am! I feel proud of myself for defending the rights of others. I'm walking soon so I have nothing to lose and want fair treatment for future fallen friends.

Have a great day!

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FreshStart:

SIGHHHH!!!!!

It is a relief to know that I did not offend your religious sensibilities.

You can say a lot more than others about coming away from your Affair with your husband intact.

Keep us posted. I think you should also post this in the EN or Recovery Forums.

Clyde


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Hi, Clyde A....Will do! Post in other forum(s)

Just get more news..a letter was sent to all our ministry peers in our province but no one bothered to send us a copy. I am not sure I can take this "discipline" much longer and might just look for work at McDonald's!

Otherwise, life is good!

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Fresh Start


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FreshStart:

Just curious...

Saw in another post where your H thought you should tellthe church elders. Would it not have been better to deal with God alone on this since, based on your experience, some of the same church elders might have been having affairs just as you were.

Chances are that they too have cocoain the sun, wet they were put in a position to judge you.

2. What are the ages of your children. Do they knopw. How did they react?

3. Re Romantic Getaways: How open are you to going to a naturist resort (nudist colony) where you can be at one with each other and enjoy yourselves in your natural states?

They've got rules of conduct there, one of the chief of which states that nudity is not lewdity. They are for peolpe who enjoy being in the nude.

My wife and I spent two days at the Sorobon Naturist Resort in Bonaire (near Aruba) and it was like being in heaven — being out in the open in our birthday suits just like everybody else.

There was no gawking nor lewdthoughts ar actions; no wonder why so many people worldwide (including thge U.S.) find it a healthy recreational activity. Why not try it one weekend?

I can understand your predicament with lack of work. I too amon the unemployed (or, just barely employed list). Son is still job-hunting, daughter has to be supported at University for the nest 2.5 years and wife is the breadwinner; not a happy position, but we're trying to make it although the finances are in a MESS.

I said a prayer for you a while ago and will continue to do so. PLease, PLEASE, pray for us here and our awkward financial situation. I need all the praying help I can get.

Thank you and God Bless.

Clyde


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Hey, Clyde A...I haven't had time to post the earlier post. I got that crazy messenger service and couldn't get into my mail! Tonight I was smart enough not to sign in!!

The reason I chose the shade smilie is I'm shy. Once my H and I tried to work up the nerve to check out Wreck Beach..a nude beach..on a visit to Vancouver..it's a nude beach but we were clothed and hesitant...don't think that's for us. However, once we camped off season and were totally alone and romped around outside...that was fun!!

About the confessing, we agree with you in one sense...keeping it between us and God would have been better..we could have still got the pastoral care to pay for counselling as it's been a struggle to adjust life with and hoping without cancer. We now feel we were stupid to trust our authority and that feels sad to say. I wonder if I shouldn't have either confessed or had a letter read and then either tell the boss or not. I couldn't stand in the pulpit after confession whatever happened anyway. And if church leaders are involved in As, they need to get out immediately...secret sin is a cancer in the church.

I know my "discipline" of excommunication has helped me detach from membership and desire to pastor in this denomination. I also know I have purehearted godly friends who I just pray won't cross the line of corruption when they get "promoted" to area leadership and national leadership.

I think I should have been tended to like a little lost sheep..yes, discipline me but don't crucify me when I need to reach ressurection. I think someone should have been getting a daily and then as progress went, a weekly update on how I am doing spiritually, emotionally, etc. and I also think someone should be ministering from our denom to H. shows how much they care, huh?

I went for dinner with a former WS and she never disclosed..she got caught in June and went home to his folks (whole family--kids were toddlers) and they went for counselling 3x a week. It took them 2 years to heal but it happened.

My girls are 14 and 11. I have decided to tell them the truth when they are ready for marriage or they ask when they get older. My 14 yr old and I often bat heads (but she's on meds now and we are really improving...maybe one fight in 3 weeks!) She would throw this in my face as her strategy is accusation in order to hurt me plus she is not as bad but suicidal. 11 Yr old lives in her own world. Both know OM is not the friend we thought he was and he hurt Mommy and is kicked out of the church. I think teenager is smart enough and sort of knows but hasn't asked.

Thanks for your prayers and I will pray for your finances. God has given me peace that He will provide and it's a miracle I can accept this as I worry excessively about money due to debt and miss 14 yr old's champagne budget...really thinking of sending her to work this summer and really scared what kind of work I can do although I may have a good opportunity for a 6wk easy stay at home job for Public School (telephone survey) if it still exists..having it checked out.

H made me feel special yesterday telling me I am so beautiful I don't need makeup. It feels so good to hear sincere words like that. Not that I am vain but he makes me feel secure and loved when he says such things and happy to be his W alone.

Today is good. I am going with 14 to a youth conference all weekend so may not get back here till Sun nite or Monday or so. Might get time tomorrow AM but have a few errands.

I confronted boss's wife and asked her to give me proof from the New Testament where Jesus said a repentant sinner needs a cloud overhead and is unworthy of prayer. Also, asked bosses to confirm if other peers at head office are forbidden to speak to us. I can't afford it but am seriously considering retaining a lawyer or getting one of those free consults at the least. I don't want to go to court but I want to know my rights.

All I really want is to get well and have no politics in the way!



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