Originally posted by freshstart:
Maybe this is not the right forum but it sure seems MBers avoid this one!
I always had a fairly loving relationship with H and we had a great lovelife. Yes, it suffered due to his fatigue from cancer treatment and then it almost died because of my unfaithfulness.
H has always made me feel safe.
So why did I let OM try "different" things on me? We did not consummate but the rest was there. Maybe that's not romance--just sick?
But some of you must have been willing to accept romantic expressions of affection. Was it sheer lust? Did OP provide a different outlet than BS?
I guess my biggest puzzle is why WS choose another person instead of trying to relate to their spouse in a different way. I know that's strange coming from a WS but I am trying hard now to wrap my head around what I allowed and why. I hear so much pain and anguish here and just have to ask.
an affair is not burdened normally by the same challenges that a marriage is for example:
who does the dishes, the laundry, the other chores.
an affair is not generally encumbered with all of the living tasks. it doesn't carry the weight and the burdens of character flaws. It is virtually responsibility free and is an arrangement entered into singly on the basis of physical and emotional attraction. It doesn't have inlaw issues or child care duties. It's a totally self centered agreement that two people make to be self interested at the expense of all other concerns. They don't have to live with each other just play with each other.
You yourself have said that most relationships start this way however unlike marriage in which people accept responsibility in an affair where people are already attached to others with vows of marriage the marriage relationship IS the responsible relationship already and the affair BECOMES the expression of "the irresponsible" relationship. By design and definition one is burdened and the other is not. It becomes the drug of choice or the escape. Hence the addictive cycle can take hold of relationship dynamics just as it can if it were something ingested or injected. The tendency to keep a stash of other people to have in reserve and keeping the "back emotional door" always open.
It is therefore easier to amass "love units" (if you want to call irresponsibility love) quickly and seemingly effortlessly in an affair more readily than in a marriage where two people have to actually work out the daily drudgeries and chores and divide responsibilities were emotional withdrawals cannot be escaped.
The problem is that affairs create false impressions of "love" because it belies in it's foundation the responsibility of love. It offers the icing without the cake and proclaims that the icing IS the cake.
Does that make sense? Does that help?
[ March 13, 2002: Message edited by: Kasey1 ]