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Joined: Feb 2001
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Maybe this is not the right forum but it sure seems MBers avoid this one!

I always had a fairly loving relationship with H and we had a great lovelife. Yes, it suffered due to his fatigue from cancer treatment and then it almost died because of my unfaithfulness.

H has always made me feel safe.

So why did I let OM try "different" things on me? We did not consummate but the rest was there. Maybe that's not romance--just sick?

But some of you must have been willing to accept romantic expressions of affection. Was it sheer lust? Did OP provide a different outlet than BS?

I guess my biggest puzzle is why WS choose another person instead of trying to relate to their spouse in a different way. I know that's strange coming from a WS but I am trying hard now to wrap my head around what I allowed and why. I hear so much pain and anguish here and just have to ask.

Comments, anyone?

------------------
Fresh Start


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Just bumping this...less wordy version...why can a person respond romantically, affectionately to OP while rejecting spouse?

Just escape fantasy..grass is greener syndrome? Ideas?


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Hi : Yes that is a intresting question. I think it is no baggage just lust. Fantasy plays into it and fear of intaimacy with the one you really love. What happens if he rejects you. The new lover is safe.Dr. Harley says that the sex is extremely good. I have not had a affair but my wife has and my goal is to be able to have sex with her that is just as exciting as a affair. Although in my case my wife said it was no baggage and just a way to enjoyu each others body.

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All the best to you as you reach out to your wife. Before the A, H and I celebrated 16 and a half years of "knowing" only each other. I would so often comment during lovemaking how sweet to know neither of us had any other partner ever.

I felt incredible shame after confessing. It put up a huge barricade for me and I thought I would never have an orgasm again. At first I was terrified about thinking of OM even though he repulsed me (that's why I ended things and was able to see the light pretty fast)

Of course, loneliness is a factor, too. Whether that loneliness is self-imposed or spouse-imposed. H was recovering from cancer treatments which had greatly lowered his libido. He always used to say I was too much woman for him (to make me feel good!) so in my lostness and trying to juggle work, home and personal life far too independently, I fell. I managed to keep it at just kissing and hugging for a few weeks but then it was too late. And even that was too far.

Thanks for your insight. Your W is blessed to have you


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quote:
Originally posted by freshstart:
I guess my biggest puzzle is why WS choose another person instead of trying to relate to their spouse in a different way.


Freshstart:

I asked my W this question over and over. The first words out of her mouth when confronted were: "You are not easy to talk to."

Trouble is: she is not easy to talk to either. She can't, or, won't talk about the 'you and me' things like sex, rour relationship, etc.

She told psychologist/counsellor OM just let her "be", just let her talk without correcting her or finding fault otherwise. It was so "relaxing" talking to him, she said.

She said she felt "free and easy" with him. That told me that she had found a replacement and was happy with him so that, as far as certain things were concerned, she had no need for me as he had fit in quite well, thank you.

I think she found an escape from me and went headlong into it not realizing what she was doing and — in the process — going into a serious denial.

Clyde

[This message has been edited by ClydeA (edited September 28, 2001).]


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Paging Freshstart...
...she is missing in action.

Clyde


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Hey, Clyde. After the short break and short return, I feel the next step in my recovery is to make myself invest in H and girls.

I get easily addicted to things and while I love to help and receive help and cool insights, etc, MB seems to occupy my time too much.

I really will miss you all. Clyde, if you want to write away from here, that's ok with me.

By the way, the Crusty thing. I thought about the comments rec'd here and talked to my dear psychologist friend today who told me to give H an ultimatum..if Crusty is here every Sunday, I will not be during his visit. H and I had coffee this aft and I told him I only want Cr to visit once a month for lunch. H tried to put it out on me but I faced him with his own misgivings and asked him how he could do this to me every week and take away the highlight of my week.

He is thinking about it seriously. Praise God!

Thanks for being a great friend, Clyde.


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quote:
Originally posted by freshstart:

I get easily addicted to things and while I love to help and receive help and cool insights, etc, MB seems to occupy my time too much.


Freshstart:

I agree. I had stayed away from the Board for about the same reasons.

As you know, the Boadrs had been down for one week so I am only now seeing your reply.

Still, feel free to post from time to time.

Clyde


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Wow! I am glad you replied, Clyde! I hadn't known the board was down and didn't know about this new format either.

Things are very exciting these days. I have a job interview on Monday for something that will be excellent training ground for my new job if the board approves. I marvel at how God is blessing.

I have been thinking of popping back here with a question re forgiveness so if I can find my way around, look for me today, ok?

Thanks for being a good friend to me. I really do miss you and JL along with others.

Have an awesome day.


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FS,

When you read this let me know and I will remove it. Although, my address is on a list around here somewhere.

Glad to hear you are doing better these days. You asked a very interesting questions about being willing to do things with OP and not Spouse. I have a few ideas if you are still interested in this line of thinking.

God Bless,

JL

[ October 13, 2001: Message edited by: Just Learning ]


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JL, you just made my busy but good day even better!!

Thank you for letting me write you. Will do as soon as I can. Just on my way out tonight.

I didn't get to post my forgiveness question but maybe tomorrow I can get on for awhile. I have a lot of exciting news to share, JL!

Have an awesome weekend! By the way, I just invited a friend to this forum. Hope he comes or is already here.


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quote:
Originally posted by freshstart:
Maybe this is not the right forum but it sure seems MBers avoid this one!

I always had a fairly loving relationship with H and we had a great lovelife. Yes, it suffered due to his fatigue from cancer treatment and then it almost died because of my unfaithfulness.

H has always made me feel safe.

So why did I let OM try "different" things on me? We did not consummate but the rest was there. Maybe that's not romance--just sick?

But some of you must have been willing to accept romantic expressions of affection. Was it sheer lust? Did OP provide a different outlet than BS?

I guess my biggest puzzle is why WS choose another person instead of trying to relate to their spouse in a different way. I know that's strange coming from a WS but I am trying hard now to wrap my head around what I allowed and why. I hear so much pain and anguish here and just have to ask.

Comments, anyone?


an affair is not burdened normally by the same challenges that a marriage is for example:

who does the dishes, the laundry, the other chores.

an affair is not generally encumbered with all of the living tasks. it doesn't carry the weight and the burdens of character flaws. It is virtually responsibility free and is an arrangement entered into singly on the basis of physical and emotional attraction. It doesn't have inlaw issues or child care duties. It's a totally self centered agreement that two people make to be self interested at the expense of all other concerns. They don't have to live with each other just play with each other.

You yourself have said that most relationships start this way however unlike marriage in which people accept responsibility in an affair where people are already attached to others with vows of marriage the marriage relationship IS the responsible relationship already and the affair BECOMES the expression of "the irresponsible" relationship. By design and definition one is burdened and the other is not. It becomes the drug of choice or the escape. Hence the addictive cycle can take hold of relationship dynamics just as it can if it were something ingested or injected. The tendency to keep a stash of other people to have in reserve and keeping the "back emotional door" always open.

It is therefore easier to amass "love units" (if you want to call irresponsibility love) quickly and seemingly effortlessly in an affair more readily than in a marriage where two people have to actually work out the daily drudgeries and chores and divide responsibilities were emotional withdrawals cannot be escaped.

The problem is that affairs create false impressions of "love" because it belies in it's foundation the responsibility of love. It offers the icing without the cake and proclaims that the icing IS the cake.

Does that make sense? Does that help?

[ March 13, 2002: Message edited by: Kasey1 ]


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quote:
Originally posted by Kasey1:
Does that make sense? Does that help?

Seems to me that it does.

Clyde


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Kasey and Clyde, you are both right..perfect sense. The WS loses perspective as he/she buys into the lust that is a very poor replacement for the solid love of one's spouse.


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