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Joined: May 2003
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How do you get your husband to listen to what you are saying without arguing or getting angry or telling you what you feel or think? I am remarried to a wonderful man ( at times)most of the time. When I get frustrated and try to talk to him about my "feelings" he gets angry and then he starts telling me how I feel and think and how I like to argue and how I am hard headed. I do not disagree about being hard headed and I do argue if I know the fact is 100% true otherwise I say I am not sure but I think... I just feel like my feelings, thoughts, wants and needs are not important to him sometimes. Then we get into an arguement and time passes (a hour or a day - depends) then he is the nicest person in the world and wants to take me somewhere (from out to eat to out of town) or he buys me a gift ( something small (flowers) - to something big ( jewlery) when all I want is him to say he is sorry for the way he acted and not do it again. I have told him that before and he still does it.
Any ideas or help. He won't read books or he doesn't belive in counceling...help

Joined: Jul 2002
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Dear> helpmee, I completley see where you are coming from and pray the lord touches your marriage , my h is the same way i would love to communicate effectivley w/him but he doesnt get that and like your H he thinks after an hour or so its poof gone and hey lets go out ? frustrates me to no end I would love to go 2 counseling in fact i have on my own. maybe you should try that , possibly if he sees you going on your own to help deal with the situations and even learn new ways to talk with him just maybe hell see things a little different and come along. for me it didnt work and i now face the reality of how long can my marriage last with issues to be dealt with when my spouse thinks he can control and fix himself. I am here and wish you the best of luck and just know u are not alone [Smile]

Joined: Jan 1999
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hi you need to move or redo your post over into the General Questions area or emotional one.

your husband sounds like he is controlling you and he does the crazy making thing to you.

mine was good at that..he always was right and if he was wrong he would tell me he WAS RIGHT and I can agree to disagree with him but he was right anyway,

he alway would interupt me when I talked if I didn't have the right time or something exact like it was a big deal...

he never could say he was sorry.
he would start arguments and then he would want to make up having sex..I use to love making love with him, but I finally came to a conclusion he needed to feed his anger..sounds weird but I guess that was a thing of control too.

well I am not sure what to tell you, except you need to take care of you and go to councelling alone to get help for you.

I imagine you already know..there is nothing wrong with him, it is all you..THATS WHAT THEY WANT US TO THINK..it is not true so don't believe it..

it does take two to make the marriage work and you are frustrating yourself doing it alone.

the present and trinkets are to appease you.
he placates you and tells you what you want to hear..(mine never did presents or trinkets)
nut was selfish somehow I BOUGHT him trinkets and presents to try to get him to love me..and make him happy, I did everything I could..

some men are incapable of love..the therapist I saw said I was right he used me to get his needs met...that broke my heart to hear it from a professional..it is one thing to think it and feel it..but to have someone agree with you then look at you and tell you, "YOU get half of everything in divorce." OH man I got so upset I started to bawl..I asked him will he change and he said your husband sat here joking about your pain and smirking. he was truthful it hurt..more.
and then the ride home with husband..I cried while driving I am suprised we didn't crash..
but it was true and I knew all the councelling in the world would not help..
also had been there before and they told me the same thing..

only difference was husband was sitting right there and did not flinch not say anything just sat there with a stupified satisfied look on his face as the pain washed over my face..

I had gotton advice from Dr. Harley to tell him to leave till he could learn to treat me right and respect me..that never happened so we went to councelling in a last ditch effort on my suggestion..thats what happened..he REALLY didn't care or was incapable the therapist told me he was NOT capable..I could not put up with the
impulsive behaviour he was also one big flirt with other women needing their attention..
while I watched..
so please get councelling if you continue to stay together cause if he is like mine your in for one miserable time with only a few times of happiness and they are far apart..

God bless you
Keep on keeping on.

oh and I don't have to work on it nor do I have to worry about him anymore with ow...because
he is deceased

HE had told me i loved him too much..that meant partly I put up with too much stuff. I still don't get it..and I always thought he did not getit..I do still love him even after all the pain he caused the last 5 years of our marriage trying to divorce me and pushing me away. [Frown]

my one expression to him was always..do I look like I fell off a turnip truck yesterday? or do I look stupid>??

Keep on keeping on.

Joined: Jun 2003
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helpmeee,

Don't know if this will help but... I used to be somewhat like you describe your husband. Buying things or doing different things was just my way of showing her I Loved her.
It was what I learned from my father, and I should have known better since he ended up divorced!
Even though I told my wife I loved her, I felt like I had to show her in these other ways. When what I should have been concentrating on was the small things that really show love. I learned my lesson the hard way, and have changed the way I do things (hopefully not too late) and I am still waiting to see the results of my efforts. Unfortunately, I am not sure what would help to get the message across to your husband. In my case it was my wife telling me that she was in love with another man that really woke me up and made me more aware. (I don't think you should take it to that extreme!!) Once I got started trying to do these little things, it became almost habit and is now actually enjoyable! I enjoy doing things for her and taking time to really listen. I enjoy waking up with her and talking over a cup of coffee that I make every morning while she gets ready for work.
I really wish I could tell you what to say that would make a difference, but I will tell you not to give up! If you truly love him and he truly loves you, just keep telling him how you feel about the things he does. Keep it in the fore front. Men are creatures of habit, and sometimes we have to be told many times before it can become habit.
Good Luck!!

r0uter

Joined: Apr 2003
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It's so frustrating isn't it? Still, God is so good to provide so many ways of learning how to deal with the problems we encounter on this journey of marriage.
Have you read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman? It's an excellent book to read together with your spouse and talks about the different ways in which people give and receive love. It sounds like your husband does not know the "love language" that you speak and understand and this may help both of you. It's on sale in Christian book stores. Hope this helps. God bless.

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I can understand this from both sides of the fence. I have not always been a great listener and it is something I've had to work. Much of it was me but also my spouse the the time. I am now divorced and looking to marry again.

When women talk about there feelings to men it often appears to be a no win situation. Somewhere along the line there will be a problem with the man in the discussion with no obvious positive outcome for the man. Would you really want to be part of a conversation where you know you are going to get the short end of the stick?

Most likely your H already has self doubt and doesn't feel all that good about himself.

I am fortunate in being with someone that I can talk to about anything. Part of it is our compatibility and part of it is our life experiences that have forced us to look at ourselves and be honest with ourselves first.

When was the last time you talk about something good with him? Knock away at it in bits and pieces.

Joined: May 2005
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Im new here and going through some of the threads. I am not able to answer your concerns but i definitely can empathize with you. I am 25 and H is 33 we are married no kids as you can see we have different views on how to make each other happy. Im still in my 'peak' and he is almost off the map like they say. Especially when im trying to give some advice about him making some changes he get all offensive and makes me feel like I am not at that level of maturity to understand the way he does . Anyway even if I do have the right advice he treats me like this and i cant figure it out. He never use to treat me like this but since we got married this happened. Please let me know what to do if you do get some answers.

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What do you say to him?

He isn't going to want to listen if he feels criticized or attacked.

Seems you want some control here. From what I read, especially the title, you want to GET him to listen.

That's the wrong approach.

Yes, he has to pay attention. So how you do you attract his attention? How do you make the conversation interesting for him?

I'm a guy, when I hear the words, "we need to talk" and it doesn't matter who they come from, it's about what I'm not doing right. It could be the boss, my wife, when I was a child the phrase came from teachers.

I can't think of an instance where I heard, "We need to talk..." and it was about something positive.

So my idea is to share what works with him.

And listen to him. His statement about your arguing and so forth may be a clue as to why you don't feel heard.

I know it's hard to listen when you don't feel you are being heard yourself.

If two people don't feel heard, their reflex reaction is to talk more. If that happens, who is listening?

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Have you tried writing a letter or email to him? I had a counselor once who suggested my wife and I exchange letters to each other to share feelings and then respond. It makes you stop and think when you are reading as opposed to listening.


Art Romans 7:24 Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin. Married to my beautiful and gracious wife 26 years 1 son 1 daughter both grown In SA recovery since July 2003 Christian faith
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Prayers & God Bless!
Chris

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