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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 4
J
JS
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J Offline
Joined: Mar 2000
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I have been with my partner for 17 years. Yes, we have had the ususal ups and down of a relationship, but 2 weeks ago I found out that he has been having sexual relations with several different women throughout the entire relationship. I am in total shock and cannot even begin to digest this information. He is 41yrs old. He doesn't ever spend any time with these women (I know this for a fact because he spends all his spare time with me. He never gets serious with any of them, it is simply sex. He admits now he has a major problem (as if he wouldn't), and is having therapy. One person I would understand, I don't live in a fantasy world and know that people can often make mistakes, but this many??? He never had any intention of leaving me as he was quite happy with what we had. I have left the relationship, but I just need to know the psycological reasoning behind this. He was sexually abused once or twice as a child, and also had a shocking upbringing. Still, he has been away from that environment for many, many years. Everybody that we know is in as much shock as me??? He is really good to everyone he knows with everything he does. Accept of course this. Please give me some answers. All I am reading about it "The Affair", my situation seems a lot worse, almost unheard of from what I can gather. You may be thinking, surely you knew. Truly I didn't. My partner is an established musician that works up to 4 nights a week. He works with other people, so he could never lie about that. He did used to come home late a lot, but always claimed to have just stayed back for drinks, quite an acceptable excuse because of his line of work. Any information would be appreciated.

Joined: Sep 1999
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Welcome <B>JS</B>...<P>I'm really tied up right now... but will get back to you later today...<P>Until then... I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 921
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Welcome JS,<BR> Just to let you know it doesn't sound as irregular as you may think, it sounds as though he has an addiction to sex and this meets his fantasies. Not that he doesn't enjoy what he has with you but that he always needs more. I've heard of it from several people on this board and if he's in therapy that's a good thing, it's like admitting your an alcoholic and going to AA, once you admit you have a problem you can work on it! I would do some more reading and see if not only do you attend therapy for your marriage but to deal with his disease. I do not personally have an addicted spouse but I have heard from others what a terrible disease this is and how much it will affect your life. Take each day as it comes and remember to breath, these are two things that I needed to remember when discovery first began for me. Listen to NSR, our local welcome wagon, he has some remarkable insight and directions and gives you great links! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 217
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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 217
I too think this sounds like your H has a sex addition. Therapy will help. This will be such a difficult ride for you. If this is an addiction it is not about you. It is about your H but of course effects you deeply and in an icredibly painful way.<P>Sounds like you H is a great guy in all other respects. He has taken one very large step by going to get help. Many spouses here refuse to get the help that they need so count yourself lucky here.<P>You have a right to feel angry and hurt. Many here understand your pain. It is truly inspiring what some of us have been through and still made it to the other side. Read "crushed but not broken's" post.<P>If you want to go back to your H, you can get through this. You can rebuild your marriage after infidelity. Whatever you decide to do, you will find lots of people here to support you. <P>Acacia

Joined: Mar 2000
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Dear JS<BR> I just read your post and your situation does indeed sound much like mine. Does your h have any other additions such as alcohol or smoking? Mine did but he was able to give those up so I am hopeful he can concur this also. It has made me feel cheap and used. I had an AIDS/STD test-have you? There is risk.I really don't understand the behavior at all as sex seems to have no connection to love. My h also is the "perfect h" or so I thought until this happened. I had no idea either and it was going on for a long time. My prayers are with you-Lost Trust

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 416
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Posts: 416
Wow, I can understand how you must feel. This may sound strange, but I think that there's both good and bad news here.<P>First the good news: Your husband is not cheating on you. Sounds stupid for me to say, but it's true. He has a serious illness that needs to be addressed, and my guess is that he could use your help and support (as very hard as that will be) to get through this. It is good news that this has nothing to do with you or your marriage. Where in most of our cases it has something to do with us and the marriage.<P>Now the bad news: This has to hurt you in much the same way or worse than it does us. You have reacted to the number of women he's slept with - that's a normal reaction. And yet, the very fact that he's slept with so many tells me that it's about an illness. When he narrows it to just one get really worried. The other bad news is that this has to be conquered from its roots, which means working with someone who knows how to help him conquer it. Finally, my guess is that he'll actually recover from this a lot faster with your support - just as if he were going to AA. Unfortunately, unlike going to a bottle if he temporarily falls off the wagon, he'll have sex with someone. It's a likely part of his recovery, and has to be very hard for you to deal with - but then none of this is easy for us.<P>Sounds like you can have a loving and totally mutual marriage after getting through this process. Your leaving him probably will do nothing to help the matter. Your staying with him and getting a committment and plan to fix the illness probably will get you to the other very bright side of your relationship.<P>It's going to be really hard, but someone has to do it - and you are the one he wants to help and the most qualified.<P>SamH

Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 5
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JS!!!!<P>I am sorry to hear about your partner. I guess what I would like to know is if he is your husband? If not then that would be the first problem.<P>Second I would like to tell you that therapy is good and it may help to get to the root of why he sleeps with so many women, but in all honesty.. TRUE deliverance only comes through Jesus Christ. Only He can truly save and bring reconciliation into your relationship.<P>If this person is not your husband then I would suggest separating from him and give your life over to God and trust God FIRST!!! Let Him be your first Love let Him be your partner and then He will give you the PERFECT mate and not a COUNTERFIT!!!


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