I know that I should just try and block it out but I find myself constantly seeing her image in my mind with my H. She is not the most attractive person in the world either and she has that look (you know the look) like the cat that swallowed the canary. It is just eating me up seeing them together in my mind. Any suggestions????????

Hi bc,<P>I've never seen our former OW, but my H has described her. So, I have this imaginary mental image of her. It isn't very attractive, especially when my H says that she carries herself more like a man, than a woman. Maybe that should make me feel better? I really don't know.<P>When my H & I were in therapy, I had asked this question of my therapist. She said, occupy myself doing something with my hands (such as a hobby, craft, etc.).<P>I began buying rubber stamps and making all kinds of greeting cards. It helped me to focus on something else, other than OW and what my H did to me.<P>Can you think of something that maybe you'd like to do??

This is difficult to do, especially the imaginary images. I try to emphasize the negative points about the OP. Picture them with a clowns nose, funny hair, anything that makes you feel better about yourself.

Goober....I'm chuckling about imagining the OW with a "clown's" nose....that's so funny!

I guess I'm kind of lucky that I have never seen OW, and probably never will. I have no description of her looks, and don't want one. But the funny thing is...everywhere I go, I look at women and wonder, does she look like you? I wonder if it's better to know sometimes, though I'm not sure I could handle any more information on her.<P>You know, I have always had a lot of women friends, love their company. I still see 8 good friends from high school. This situation has kind of made me not like women so much anymore. I see strangers every day, and I wonder what they are really like. <P>I just have never even thought about cheating on my H. I don't get it. I am lucky to be strong that way I guess, but he is the only man I've wanted since the day we met, 23 years ago.

Well, I saw the OW and confronted her!<BR>She is not really attractive either. I have been visualizing all the details in my head now for a week. It doesn't help to be almost 8 months pregnant. Does alot for ones self esteem. I try and figure out what the attraction might be. I have always considered myself quite attractive. I really can't give you any suggestions, just let you know that I know exactly what you are going through.<P>------------------<BR>NotSure2K

I met the OW about 10 years ago one time. At that time she was just a friend of my H. My H told me that she has long dirty blonde hair (he loves long hair), and she's firm (she is an instructor at a gym), but I really don't remember her being pretty. I know that she is kind of a loud mouth and *****y! lol I talked to her once on the phone briefly and she sounds like ME! He told me that we have a lot in common and even our sisters have the same names....didn't want to hear anymore...also I found out that she is flat chested!!! That's one on my side....lol <P>Since this all started, I have lost 18 pounds or so, and I've been working out more often! It's crazy what we will do for the ones that we love! I do see her in my mind though, and I try to remember that even though she helped this affair along, HE choose to get involved!!!!! I can't hurt her, because if I do....it hurts my H !!! Sucks....

bc--I've been having the same problem. Seems I can't start a day without thinking of It. Yuck.<P>When I find myself sashaying down that lane I force myself to think of something--ANYTHING!--other than her. Recently I've been thinking of polar bears. It is one of the few things that I cannot relate back to her...<P>I can't remember where I heard this, but try it: for the next five minutes, whatever you do, don't think of angels. And the five minutes after that: don't think about giraffes. It seems whenever we "forbid" ourselves to think of something we can't think of anything else.<P>So think of her all you like, but whatever you do, don't think of sunflowers!<P>Good luck! --HBC

Thanks for the thoughts I will try to stop thinking of her and seeing her in my mind. She is just soooooooo disgusting that I find myself feeling dirty because she has been with my H and I am living with him and still married to him. <P>Another good one I heard that H's sister is telling. She says that my H and I are still married but he is opening dating the OW and acts like it is ok. What is it with people they think adultery is OK. It is against the law in the state that I live in even though no one has prosecuted for it in years. I guess that makes murder, stealing and a number of other crimes ok too. I don't think so.<P>Why is everyone so darn ready to accept what my H is doing and make me out to be the "bad" one. I haven't done a thing wrong except love him too much but that seems to be a crime in their minds. Am I too good too shoes or something. This really bothers me that his own sister says he is openly dating. What does that really mean????????

Hi BC -<P>It's me....the big pain!!! LOL!!!<P>Of course you know that I have plenty of suggestions for you - don't ya!!!!!<P>I want you (and anyone else stuck with this OP hangup) to ask yourself the following......<P>Am I a sadomasichist? Do I like to be in pain?<P>What GOOD is coming out of my thinking on the OP? What "bad" is resulting from thinking on the OP? (make lists!!!)<P>What is REALLY important to me?<P>What do I want that I can ACTUALLY start doing something about?<P>What is my goal for myself? My marriage?<P>What is stopping me from looking at myself, my H and my marriage and realizing that OP does not belong in any of those three categories and I am wasting my braincells?<P>Do I understand that every single second I think of OP, I am taking that time away from myself, my life and my marriage? <P>Do I understand that every thought I have of OP gives OP power over me and my life? Is OP taking me over? Why would my spouse want to be with me when I just throw OP thoughts around? Where is ME? <P>If this particular OP wasn't involved - was my marriage wonderful? Weren't there other problems needing to be dealt with?<P>OK, that's enough for you to answer now.....I want you to answer them BC!!!<BR>Don't ignore me......I can still come and track you down, you know!!!!<P>Personally, I think of your OW looking like a liquor bottle!!!! Provides the same thing as the booze to your H.<P>As soon as you realize this, you will be halfway to "getting it"!!!!<P>Did I tell you that we are having a party here on that day? Won't be long now!!!!<P>I luv Ya and BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba<P>PS - get out that pen and paper and start answering. Time for you to add to the Alanon with some proactive behavior!!<P>

Oops, big pain here again!!!<P>You posted as I did.....<P>More questions for you to answer...<P>Why do you care what his sister (or anyone else) is saying? <P>Do you really think that they understand what is going on? Do you think that they know how sick he is?<P>Do you understand that his "friends" are behaving just as badly with all their drinking, etc? <P>Do you understand that his sister is not going to talk badly about her brother?<P>If people talk and act so accepting of this, don't you think that they have some problems of their own?<BR>

Sheba,<P>I guess you are right about what other people say they probably don't know all the facts or only his side of the story and you are definately right about if they talk and act like that they have problems of their own. My SIL that said those things is still married to her second H and living with another guy guess that isn't a very good track record of morals.<P>I guess it is not only I think or see the OW it is thinking of and seeing in my mind my H and the OW together doing things that disgust me. I know that the bad things list definately outweighs the good things list. In fact I can't really think of any good things.<P>I would like to invision him telling her off and to get out of our life so we can try again. But the bottle analogy is a good one. She must be the quart size or probably case size. I am trying very hard to move ahead. In a way I make some progress then I slip again.

bc....you are making progress. It may be baby steps, but all in all...it is still progress!