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Joined: Nov 1999
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hanora Offline OP
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I have been struck by the frequency of affairs that seem to coincide with major life changes. How many pregnant wives are here? How many times has someone talked about how they just bought a new house? And there are those who have had serious illnesses.<P>It seems that often these affairs, physical or emotional are a way to escape some disorienting aspect of real life. Am I off base here or is there some correlation?<P>Just wondering.

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Definitely. I read a thread a while back about the correlations. It makes sense. Stresses in life will bring out the best/worst in us.<P>And probably the stupidest thing I've heard is that children will strengthen a failing marriage. The ultimate stress! Yes, they are wonderful, though.

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I'm with you on this one. My wife asked for a seperation two weeks after we signed papers on the new house. This was 5 months into her PA with a co-worker. She started talking about a new house around the same time the affair started.<P>

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<BR> Yes that is right. It is no excuse for an affaire but the fact is it happens. He takes time and communication to rebuiled a marriage<BR> I hear that after recovery marriage is stronger than ever. Now that is encouraging!<P> God bless you, GWM

Joined: Dec 2003
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Hi Hanora,<P>I believe there is a correlation. My H had an A 10 yrs ago, which was 6 mos aft his mother passed. They were very very close. Then this recent A happened in tandem with me being diagnosed w/Cerv C.<P>Jo<P>

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Hi Hanora,<BR> <BR> Just wanted to add my "amen." My H's A began on the heels of two major business failures. I'm certain he was depressed...and vulnerable.

Joined: Mar 2000
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definitely. we had just moved into our "dream home" and had our first baby, and the EA started. then when baby was 6mos, PA. then it was off and on. then when H found out i was preg. again, PA started again...plus, he's had 8 jobs in 3 years, and she's been around for all his little stressors.

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lwb-sorry to hop on hanora's thread, but ow sounds like she'd cave if he offered her stability. tnt

Joined: Nov 1998
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Absolutely! I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant. H EA started because "they had so much in common since his w was pregnant and OW just had twins!" Yeah, right!

Joined: Sep 1999
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NSR Offline
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Yep...<P>Here too...<BR>My W's depression... and lead into the affair happened after my W's father's death.<P>The only thing that delayed it was our tenth anniversary.

Joined: Nov 1998
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Yep - count me in. I was very surprised when I found out I was pregnant w/#3. My H would have been just fine w/2 (at the time so would I). When I told him he said "it'll be fine - dont worry". I truly believe it threw him over the edge. We were trying to save for a house and things were hard enough. I'd say it was only 3-4 weeks before our lives turned completely upside down and he had his affair. Magoskid

Joined: Mar 2000
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My wife started EA a few weeks after having signed the papers in which my parents (her FIL/MIL) mortgaged their house in order to help us get a loan in order to finish our new house (my parents are NOT happy about this). Wife is now filing for legal separation and we can then divorce in 1 year. New house is up for sale when it is finished in a few months. 6 yo son still thinks hes about to move to the new house with own room and bubblebath. I'm not looking forward to give him the bad news.<P>Isn't life great?<P>Scandinavian

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Hi <BR>I am in awe of your strength to work on a marriage that has had so many ups and downs (no punn intended) btw I am from Canada as well. Ottawa.<BR>But for me the absolute last straw would be finding out my husband was getting off on 'teenage male' fantasies.<BR>How did you deal with that one.<BR>And I have not faced this issue about getting over an affair ... but honestly I think that is something I couldn't do...get past it.<BR>I think it would end it for me.<BR>I don't really think I could forget, I could probably forgive, but never forget.<BR>And it would eat at me.<BR>But I am assuming that I am speaking about an issue that unless you've been there you can't say how you'd deal with it.<BR>I commend you for working on it.<BR>How on earth did you husband explain what he was doing? Did it not disgust you? And believe me, I'm not a prude or in any way judging. Just curious.<P>Thanks<BR>Lonely in Love

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emp Offline
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Yep! My H's EA was 8 months after he retired.

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emp<BR>What makes you think it's gone beyond an online friendship?

Joined: Apr 2000
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My H has been depressed for about 3 years and finally is beginning to realize it. His EA started when I was 7 or 8 months pregnant. The PA started right after our first child was born and is still in force. My son is 8-1/2 months old. I too believe life stresses are a major contributor.<BR>Kris

Joined: Mar 2000
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Absolutely agree that life stresses has something to do with it. My H was earning lots of money but felt like a failure at his job. He worked lots of hours but never received praise at work.<P>We moved into new house about a yr. earlier, but never had to time to completely settle in. He started his PA portion of the affair about 2 weeks before I conceived--and did it again after he realized I was pregnant.<P>He even suggested I look into getting rid of the baby (this is our 3rd child). Clearly he wasn't happy with all the pressures on him and I believe he saw a secret way to escape and feel young and carefree again. <P>Things weren't all that terrible in our marriage. I think he's spent a good portion of his life being selfish and getting everything he wanted. He felt he 'deserved' the opportunity to enjoy himself because he worked so hard. <P><BR>Luckily he sees what a complete fog he was in at the time and admits none of it was OK. <P>I don't mean to man-bash here, but isn't it amazing how men find it so difficult to cope w/life changes than women. Sure we feel stress, but we change careers, buy homes, have children and plunge forward. Maybe we just can express ourselves better and get the stress out of our systems. Or perhaps we've been conditioned to endure the pain that life brings our way.

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Don't know that there is anything inherently more stable about the gentler sex. My W started her EA/PA coincident with the time the company she worked part time for was closing its local office. Ironically, she had always claimed to want to work part time to be home more with the kids (now 4 and 2)- the reality was that after 18 months of part time work, she wanted more stimulus from workplace interactions and less time with the kids. Now she has filed for divorce and taken a full time job. Amen to life stresses being triggers for affairs.

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You know what my life stress trigger was? My husband and I decided to get a divorce and we filed papers. That's it. I had a PA shortly afterwards. Now we are back together and I am the devil.<P>Ahh... it's gonna be a good day.<P>------------------<BR>"I believe... this is heaven to no one else but me - and I'll defend it long as I can be left here to linger in silence if I choose to would you try to understand?" - Sarah McLachlan

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same here. Husband started a PA a few months after his father died of cancer - even he admits it sort of threw him over the edge - he wanted to be happy and enjoy life.<P>It helps a little to know that it was a stressor that triggered it, but still hurts that he thought our marriage was so bad and couldn't share it with me.

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