Well, here's the rough draft of my letter to my H. Because of our business situation right now, there's no way that I can avoid all contact with him, but I can try to control it a little.<P>Criticism welcome and needed!<P>Dear H,<BR>First, I want to say that I do love you very much. I do not want a divorce.<P>I’m very sorry for the mistakes that I have made in our marriage. I have been trying to identify and correct the things that I did wrong or that displeased you, and will continue to try and correct them.<P>I appreciate the fact that you are a hard worker and that you have been trying to speak to me with more respect and treat me more affectionately.<P>However, I feel very frustrated and disappointed at the lack of progress in our relationship. This is causing me to<BR>feel very resentful. I cannot heal from the problems we have had because there are things I need from you.<P>1. I need to be able to tell you how I feel about things in our relationship without starting World War 3.<P>2. I need you to understand that how I feel is not wrong or stupid, and I need you to try to understand why I feel the way I do about things.<P>3. I need you to understand that I am my own person. I feel very insulted when you attribute my feelings to what you think other people must have told me to feel. Sharon has never talked badly about you at all; she has tried to assure me that you do love me. If you are basing your opinion on what Steve told you, please remember<BR>that Steve is a known liar.<P>4. I need for you to not try to force me into accepting things I can no longer accept. It was sweet of you to take<BR>me to Branson in June, but I had, long before then, already told you that I never wanted to celebrate our anniversary again. I also do not want to wear my original wedding ring again, because it symbolizes something that I no longer have.<P>5. I need for you to WANT to recommit to me--to WANT to marry me again. But, first, I think we need to date and learn to have fun together again. This means real dates, just with each other...something we never really did. I would also love to have a love letter from you....something I’ve never had.<P>6. I feel that we need marriage counselling. We aren’t dealing with things too well on our own.<P>7. Last, but not least, I need for you to be able to share your feelings with me. I’m not just talking about when I do something that displeases you because you have never had a problem with that. I want to be your best friend, the person you look forward to spending all your time with, the person you can tell everything to, the person you<BR>just can’t wait to see everyday.<P>Please think about these things and whether or not you can do any of them. For the time being, I feel that it would be best if we had as little contact with each other as possible. I need this right now to protect my love for you.<P>I have a lot of work to do at the office, so I will probably spend quite a bit of time there in the evenings. That way, you can be at home to rest. <P>I will sleep in the guestroom, so you can have our bedroom.<P>If you need to talk with me about business, I will be available for that at the office, but I cannot talk about personal things with you or make personal plans with you until you decide if the things I need from you are<BR>possible.<P>Your loving wife,

Sweatpea-- WOW..<BR> <BR> I like this letter <BR> <BR> I don't know if you've given it to him or not yet by looking at the post date I'm sure<BR>have..hope all went well...

Thanks, Thorned Rose, but I haven't given it to him. We had a big blowup, and everything came out. We're doing better now.

HI Sweetpea,<BR>I guess I need the 5cent catch up from you. What has changed? <BR>Hmmmm, some parts I like while others I do not. <BR>#2-I need you to SHOW that you understand. <BR>#3-something along the lines of....what we have together is so special that we should never let third parties sway us. In other words, do not let what someone else says get into your relationship. <BR>WHy a new marriage ceremony? Why does that symbol mean so much?<BR>Just being the devils advocate!!! cl

How about an "un-modified Plan B" letter...<P>...just an idea...<BR>...check out my reply to Jo in...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/000378.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B isn't for Wimps!</A>.<P> <P>Jim

Sweetpea,<P>I read this letter and the only thing I got out of it is that you want a divorce while still sharing the house. If you don't speak with him except for business, how is he going to do all of the things that you have demanded of him?<P>You have written a letter that categorizes the major areas he needs to change, your top hot buttons so to speak, but you have provided no way for him to do this if he choses to.<P>In a normal Plan B, the requirement for reinstituting communications is that the affair is over. Apparently there is no affair, so what will be the point where communications can be reinstituted?<P>I'm not on your case, but I am sort of sensitive to "have you quit beating you wife?" situations. You seem to have put your H into one of those with this letter.<P>By the way, what is he going to get out of this? You have spent most of the letter telling him what he has done wrong, and what he must fix. But you never mention when, how, or why he should do this. Is it:<P>"I know because then I will love him."<P>"I will treat him well."<P>What is it that will make him change his mind?<P>Are you relying on his deep love for you and desire to be with you to bring him around? If so maybe, you should at least encourage him abit.<P>Please rethink this letter. I don't think it serves the purpose you want, unless it is just to vent and LB.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited September 15, 2000).]

Hey!! Any Plan B is now ON HOLD!!! After our LBin session, things have been better! H even threw me a birthday party! <P>Hi, cl!<BR> How are you? Did you ever get moved?<BR> Things around here have been pretty much stuck in a rut, but they're better now.<BR> Why a new marriage ceremony? Because I feel like our marriage has been such a big lie for so long. Through all of this, H has never promised me that he will never cheat again. I want that promise again; the old one doesn't count anymore. He still doesn't want to remarry me, but at least I got it off my chest to him. I'm gonna give him some time to think about it some more....he's a slow thinker, I think!<P>JL, thanks so much for the input. I wrote this letter right after we got through our fight and before we made up, and I'm not giving it to him. I thought I had made it clear that when he decided that he was able to meet my needs, then we could work on things, but I can see now that I didn't make it clear. The only reason for remaining in the same house and all is due to finances and our business obligations. In fact, I went to bed in the guest room that night, but H came and asked me to come back to our bed. As for the affair, well, H still denies anything going on with Cafe Woman, and he sees nothing wrong with remaining "friends" with her. He is back to going up to her cafe when her business is slow and having coffee....of course, sitting at the table with her. And, of course, I can't say a word about it, because I told him last fall that I would try to trust him and wouldn't pitch a fit if he went there without me.<P>Jim, a strict Plan B would be just about impossible for me right now. We are a small business, and there's no way I can't NOT go to work. Anyway, I'm feeling better about things. <P>Thanks for all your help!