Hello to all on the forum. I have used a forum before but this is my first time on this one.<P>I am having one of the worst experiences in my entire life. I have been married 2 years, but with my husband for 10. We have 3 kids, ages 2,6,8. I love him to death. I would have done anything for him. <P>We have had our share of problems, we were teen agers when we met. We went through rebellious stages, alcohol, drugs, and then I got pregnant with my first daughter. For me, drugs stopped from that moment on. Over the years, he would go to the bars , stay out all night, at one point when he turned 21, we split up for a year. The first half was pure hell but I was just getting used to it and he wanted to come back. <P>We went on to be married, led a wonderful life full of joy, new house, new car, career, new baby. I was very happy. I assumed he was too.<P>On Xmas Day, he left. He went to live with his mom. He told me he lost control of his life. I felt awful. Two weeks later, I discovered on New Years He brought a girl to his mom's whom he'd met at work. I am 27, he will be 27 shortly and she is 24. His mother was not impressed by this girl at all. <P>He ended up moving into the girls house. within a week. He claims she worked there since August but just found out her name 3 days before xmas. At this point I have no reason not to believe that.<P>She has a son. 5 year old. We have 3 daughters. He and I never wanted a boy and on our good talks, he claims the boy drives him NUTS. We have been apart just over a month. In that time , he has ALMOST come back twice. <P>I really want him to come back and be a part of our family. I still love him although this pain is getting to be unbearable. I have tried to do what I thought was right.<P>I tried waiting. I tried praying. I tried seeing other people. I tried giving him a week to make up his mind. I tried sleeping with him. I tried ignoring him. I just don't know what to do. I know that either he will be ready or he won't. I get scared to live my own life because I fear I will do something to make all this worse.<P>In reality, he has a way of getting to me every time. We almost got back together on Thursday. He went to get his stuff and he changed his mind. It was bad. He claims I threatened suicide. I don't remember this. But its possible, since I truly don't remember. I was in pure shock, it was worse than xmas day. If you can imagine your husband leaving on xmas day, its horrible.<P>He tells me he loves me and does want to keep the door open. He is reading Private LIes, by Pittman, i read it and gave it to him. He tells me he misses me and has doubts all the time. When he is around me, he doesn't want to leave so he avoids me as much as possible, and tends to provoke a fight to pull away when he feels he is getting to close. <P>He told his mom he would never marry this girl and that it is a convenience, a way for him to deal with whatever is going on in him. He has no idea why he left because he had a good life and for the most part was happy. He waits to get a feeling with her that he has with me, like butterflies, or that deep love but he doesn't get it. How could he after a month.<P>Am I crazy to want to wait for him? Am I crazy that I am not FURIOUS with him? After all our 4 weeks apart,we kept in close touch (as that year we were split). Its like we keep an emotional bond and even a physical bond at some point to stay connected. Yet he is not unhappy enough with her to come home and not happy enough with me either. He tells me its not a choice between me and her, but between him coming home and fulfilling his lifelong committment and whether or not he can do that. SO when he wants to bring OUR girls to this woman's house, I flip. I don't want her influencing them. <P>This is a woman who has gottne involved with a married man, allowed him to move in with her. SHe is looking for a father figure for her own and even talks of marraige and adoption with MY husband after one month!!!!!<P>I can't take it much longer. He makes me feel like if I keep hanging on , someday this will be over. I am suspecting maybe he has filled my head with lies.<P>When he found out I "saw" someone, he flipped. He is furious to think of another man with his "wife" or god forbid another man around his kids, in his chair or in his bed. How can he be so one sided??<P>Please , if you have been where I am let me know. This is awful. Deep down, I feel I could forgive him because I love him SO much. But it is a waste of time to put all my effort into something I get nothing out of.

Dear lonelymom,<BR>There are lots of us that have been where you are. I'm sorry you need this forum, but there is help here.<P>First of all, if he's only been gone since Xmas and you've started dating...stop. The last thing you need to do is add another person into the confusing mix of infidelity. You are a married person, not free to date, no matter what your spouse is doing.<P>Read the materials on this site and in this particular forum read NSR's welcome. He has links to all the important info. (I'm not the computer whiz he is). As hard as it is, if you want to save your marriage, you have to start Plan A--no lovebusters which are no Angry outbursts, no selfish demands, no thoughtless decisions, no disrepectful judgements. All very tough things when you are in a bad/heartbreaking situation. Read SURVIVING THE AFFAIR by Harley.<P>If you are having sex with your H while he is with the OW, take care of your health. Get a STD screen. Use protection. You don't know where the OW has been and you've got kids to think of--you've got to be their mom.<P>As for waiting...the MB Harley plans call for Plan A for at least 6 months, Plan B for up to 2 years...personally I've been Plan A for 21 months. Waiting, love, and patience will become your guide words.<P>It isn't a waste of your effort to try to save your marriage. From my view, much farther down the road I can tell you that you will respect yourself very greatly and it is a good feeling to know that you gave everything. I have no regrets that I have spent this time, even if the outcome is not good for my marriage.<P>Take care.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)

How can you find the strength to wait 21 months? Do you have kids? Is your husband with another woman? Is it wrong for me to refuse my kids to go to their dads at HER house. I fear their emotional well being and that my family is being taken away. Please reply. Thank you.

Well, quite honestly, if someone had told me it would be this long (and longer:eek I might just have bugged out. You can see my profile by clicking on the glasses over my post. I'm currently in my 7th separation, H wants to come home. I've got 2 daughters 14 & 11 and believe me, there is no fury like a 14 year old...<P>My H's affair lasted off & on for 18 months, I think it is over at this point. As for your kids going to her house, see a lawyer and find out if you have the right in your state to keep him from doing that.<P>Basically, my faith has grown and sustained me, this forum is a God-send and saved my sanity even if I didn't post. I think I've read a thousand books on marriage .

Oh, and you only have to do this one day at a time...I still go day by day.

That is a wonderful strength you have to stay true to your marriage that long. Does your husband understand the amount of committment and strength that took?<P>I wasn't religious before, but have been reading the Bible and going to church and trying to learn as much as I can.<P>Did your kids get exposed first hand to HER??

Thanks for your kind words, people, including my H tell me all the time how strong I am...I don't feel strong, I'm am stubborn and a survivor.<P>As far as I know my kids weren't exposed to her. You can't really fool kids that age. My older daughter has told me that if we get divorced and begin dating she will hate anyone we date. And that something you don't want to show your kids...H walks out, you give up on your commitment and find another guy...I'm sorry if I sound hard on you, but this is something I have struggled hard with and am sure of...<P>A couple other books, with a Christian theme, that have helped me a lot are:<BR>HOPE FOR THE SEPARATED by Chapman<BR>YOUR HUSBAND'S MIDLIFE CRISIS by Conway<P>You just need to decide what is right for you. If you want your marriage, don't do anything that gets in the way of that desire. You can't control what your H does, but you can control YOU and make any healthy changes that are good for you. Separation is a time when you have a chance to learn about yourself...in amongst single parenting of course.<P>Be good to yourself. Exercise, eat right, go out with females friends, do what you enjoy doing, or at least what you used to enjoy doing (it's tough to enjoy anything sometimes), play with the kids, light candles, listen to music...whatever it is that makes YOU tick.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)

Lonlymom,<P>Welcome to our world...<P>My W didn't leave on XMas day per say, however she went to OBs family for xmas dinner...<P>Take a good look at all the info on NSRs welcome thread.<P>Most od us start out in plan-a...read all about it...<P>Read up on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> not committing them is basicly what plan a is about.<P>Do you have the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> by Dr. Willard Harley? I strongly guggest getting it.<P>Try posting on the general question board.<P>Let us get to know you and you get to know us.<P>The people here have helped save my life, and I have made some wonderful friends.<P>Bill<P>:"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3<BR><P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Welcome <B>lonelymom</B>...<P>Just in case you need a quick link to that "welcome thread"...<P>I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a short time ago the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P>You do get very good advice here... listen to it! <B>Lor</B> is right on the ball here... great advice!!!<P>A quick link to the Lor's recommended books(and more)are at... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000025.html" TARGET=_blank>Books</A>.<P>Since you're starting to rediscover a faith side to support... you might want to consider joing the forum's supported Women Bible Study... check out the <B>Inspirational Stories/Songs/Poems/Faith:</B> sectionof the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A>.<P>Jim

I read "his needs her needs" and that was how I found this forum. I learned that I had ALL my basic needs UNMET. So I am struggling with why I want my marriage so bad? I was uncared for and didn't even know it. <P>My husband told me and his mom that this girl is nothing special. He has no plans of marrying her. THen why does he live there? He also wants to take the kids there and I disagree. First off, I don't want my kids exposed to her at all.<P>I am half tempted to let the affair go and have him move here for his kids, but I can't bring myself to do that.<P>The other half feels like packing up and moving away FOR GOOD.<P>Either way, none of my options are appealing. This plan A thing, if I were to do that, which essentially I was but not that I did it from this forum, I tried for a month, I notice no change in him, just his desire to keep the door open with me and not fully leave her. I don't know what to do now.<P>I am really depressed and upset about the whole thing.

lonelymom,<P>Something to consider...<P>If you think you're falling into a depressed state... you should seek out medical help...<BR>...anti-depressant medication doesn't carry the stigma it once did!<P>Many here need it...<BR>...and lives have been save by it!<P>To make a rational descision on any major course of action, it should be done with a clear mind. Perhaps after some anti-deps... you can rethink your decision.<P>It does take 3-6 weeks for most anti-dep medication to kick in!<P>Patience... again... is very hard.<BR>Do consider this!<P>Prayers... <P>Jim

I never knew how much pain an affair can cause. I always heard other people talk about it, but never imagined...It sure hurts doesn't it? I found comfort in a Bible verse that gives me the freedom to leave my husband if I choose to do so,<BR>"Matthew 19:9b - I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery." <BR>It was good to know that should I choose the option of divorce it is allowed. On the other hand God never chooses divorce, but here He seems to allow it. <BR>So with this feeling of control "under my belt" I chose to stay with my unfaithful husband until I got some understanding of it's meaning. I feel after about 7 months I can see his part (not necessarily understand though) and I'm ready to look at my part in the infidelity. If I leave him I know the things that I did will need a lot of work so as not to not carry perceptions into another relationship.<BR>For now, I'm with him and my three kids. <BR>Take the previous advice to protect yourself if your having sex with your husband while he's with the OW. I've contracted Stage II Cervical Cancer which is probably sexually transmitted. God only knows what your husband could be bringing home. Peace Lover

Thank you all for your reply. The advice for protection is respectfully taken although I already made that mistake once, I hope its not too late. <P>I desperately need some medication, and I believe I can not make rational decisions right now. The reason I feel this, is look at my history. How can I LOVE him after what he has done. How can I want to save my marriage. It makes me feel crazy. It doesn't help that so many friends and relatives are telling me to forget about him and move on. These are people that have never had anywhere close to a 10 year relationship.<P>Is it possible I am too wrapped up in him "because" of the other woman? Is it possible that is why I make such bad decisions. <P>I made a good decision today. I decided to NOT let my kids go see him this weekend if it involves the other woman. He has been gone a month and met her 3 days before xmas on top of that. AM I being fair here? He makes me feel as if I am being unfair, and plays with my head.<P>what kind of relationship can last , how long do you think he could go on with someone who he left his whole life for that he knew half a week? Don't you think at some point he will resent her? SHe has given up nothing for him and tries to involve him in all her family gatherings. He is missing his kids terribly ,(so he says) what do you think I should think of that?? The kids don't want to talk to him and I did not tell them that but he blames me.<P>I'll admit they see me cry but I can't hold down $2000 a month in bills, that he left me with , take care of my kids and not break down in front of them. I hate it but I can't do it right now.<P>Thanks for all the info. I will repost a message in the general section and read those sections. I have read a lot of it, its kind of overwhelming the amount of info, but its wonderful at the same time. I figure I will probably be here a while so I have some time. Thanks to all. Dana