<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Cindiwa:<BR><B>What do I do if he brings up having to live on the street? Do you think he is just trying to make me feel quilty? Sometimes I feel like he is just waiting for financial stability before he does something. Yet, he is so loving towards me. I have never been more confused in my life. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Yes I think he is trying to make you feel guilty. He is trying to make it all your fault that he has to be this way, probably. <P>You should be confused! It is a very confusing thing that he is doing to you. I wonder how much he knows about himself and why he is this way.<P>This may be what you have to do in order to wake him up to reality. But, if he says he is going to have to live on the street, then tell him that for him to stay, he has to get counseling and admit he has an addiction. Then show results.<P><BR>Something. Remember "Love Must Be Tough."<BR>

Okay, I am now very calm from my discovery of my H's still going on obssesion for OW. I am really at a stand still now. I do not know if I should wait till' after Thanksgiving to tell him I want a separation. His mom is coming to town and I do not want to cause any discomfort while she is here. <P>My concerns are really simple. How can I pretend nothing is bothering me when in reality my mind and soul is in TURMOIL? How can I smile when I feel like throwing up? How could this happen to me? to us? to our M? I'm not so confused right now, I'm just trying to do what is appropriate. I have decided I do not want to go through the devastation of my H's actions. I do not have any other choice but to separate. Trying to force trust to happen is a mistake. I need reasurance, even for him to say I have an addiction and I would like to get help... Hopeful thinking on my part. <P>It seems I've done all I can possibly do to try and make it better. I cannot ignore my pain any longer in hopes that he will change. I am no longer happy in my M. I've done enough to try to get through it and now I am done. <P>Sounds like a quitter - well, maybe I am. I just can't sit around and hope for things to get better anymore. If only one person in the relationship is trying, then what good does that do. <P>I need time to heal...because I can't take anymore deception. I hurt really bad and I'm afraid I will only destroy what's left of myself.<P>-BJ

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by 2Bornot2B:<BR><B>How can I pretend nothing is bothering me when in reality my mind and soul is in TURMOIL? How can I smile when I feel like throwing up? <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>You can't! You must tell him how you feel.<BR><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Sounds like a quitter - well, maybe I am. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>You are not a quitter. You are in combat and drastic measures are needed. When you tell him you want a separation, I feel that he will be in a more sober mindset to hear what you have to say. You will have more leverage at that point to tell him to get help. Of course a rush back into it after some initial promising results would be tempting. But, he has a deep problem and has to have surgery. <P>Remember, if you tell him you want a separation, and then tell him to get help and he still is to ashamed of himself to tell anyone, try to get him to post to me. I will do what I can to help.<BR>[/B][/QUOTE]<P>

Dogbert thank you for your offer. I will be sending him this thread as well as my others when I break the news to him. <P><BR>Just releasing some built up emotions that I can't keep inside me:<P>Last night he had some things to do with one of his friends and did not come home until 4:30a.m. You can imagine what was going through my mind. I was ready for him not to come home for a while, like 2:00a.m. at the latest, but 4:30a.m. - It was a very long night for a very devastated soul. I was not angry though. I stayed up for most of the night, only getting about 3 hrs. of sleep. I could not sleep because all I kept thinking about was how furious I was with him. I cried and cried, not because he was gone, but because my Trust was gone. The trust that comforted me so much. The trust that was the foundation of our relationship/marriage. The trust that makes me happy to be me. -- I lost it and I don't know how to get it back. I wonder if it's even possible?<P>I hear you about what you said about making things clear to him. I've told him before that I wanted a D when this first happened. I said it because I was very hurt and very very very angry. Now though, I'm not angry at all. I actually feel very sad that I have to do this. I am still hurt, but I believe the core of where my decision comes from is my heart. I could not possibly love my H without trusting him. It would not be fair to me and it would not be fair to him. Another reason is that I really feel myself slipping away. I am not the person that I once was. I feel that I am now more bitter, more sad, more stressed, less of the person I once was and loved. I do not want to feel this way anymore. I would like to look at my life as I have before when I had Trust close to my heart. <P>Tell me please, Is this possible?<P>-BJ<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by 2Bornot2B:<BR><B><BR>I would like to look at my life as I have before when I had Trust close to my heart. <P>Tell me please, Is this possible?<P>-BJ</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Sure you can. After healing takes place. I would urge you to seek your healing from the Lord because He truly can reach into the crevices of your soul and bring it about. But, He can do the same for you H as well. I hope you both are able to get healed.<P>Interesting thing I heard this morning on Focus on the Family. They talked about how a man's mind can naturally compartmentalize things in his life. He can honestly have sex with someone besides his wife on one night, then the next morning act as if he is the best father or husband or stock broker there is. He doesn't act as though all areas of his life are connected and in some ways symbiotic. <P>Just because he can do this doesn't make it right. It just is this way and I believe once a man understands that his indiscretions effect other areas as well as his marriage. Especially his marriage.<P>I can see this at work in my life when I was addicted to pornography. I would look at it and act out, then have guilt, ask forgiveness from God, and the next morning feel like a great husband because "that thing I do is over there and really isn't me." Even though I kinda knew it was I had to work at making the separation.<P>

When I read your posts, I wanted to encourage you to tell your H. all that you know. By pretending that everything is fine, you are giving him permission to continue to have this A. I know that confronting him is hard, so do it with a friend, do it in a public place for safety, do it through a letter, but get it out in the open. ANd focus on you and how you can better serve you. You are a creatation of God, you are loved, supported, and important. When I discoverd my h. affair, I too, just wanted to leave, to give up. I made irrational decisions, and made irrational mistakes, that I have to go back and try to rebuild and redo. But I am human, and I will make more mistakes. I will only try to change me in the areas I know I have failed, and was unable to meet in my Husband. But now that my H. knows I know about OW, we are talking, we are thinking, we are sharing, and there are good days and bad days, trust me it will improve. gn

BJ and Cindi -<P>This article may be of interest to you. <A HREF="http://www.family.org/focusoverfifty/justforyou/a0013249.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.family.org/focusoverfifty/justforyou/a0013249.html</A>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by snugglermi:<BR><B> But now that my H. knows I know about OW, we are talking, we are thinking, we are sharing, and there are good days and bad days, trust me it will improve. gn</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That sounds encouraging. I've tried it before though. I've confessed to my H that I had been snooping around and that's how I know about his actions. I said I would not do it again because what I was finding out was killing me. Now it seems like my lack of trust in him lures me to these decietful actions. Almost like it's more UNBEARABLE "not to know" what he's doing than to know what he's really doing. The secrecy really bothers me. It makes me feel like a stranger to him. I guess I just don't want to be "THE STUPID WIFE THAT HAD NO IDEA ABOUT HER H'S INFIDELITY" I just don't want to be the fool that keeps waiting on my H while he is having EA. I have a strong intuition that he's really heading towards that direction. Like I was telling Dogbert. I will show him this thread, therefore, he will know just how much I know. Of course I admit that I was in the wrong for snooping, but you know what, it has been very instinctive for me to do it. Which tells me that I really have no more ability to trust my H. I have tried and tried and tried and I have stopped checking on him for a long time until I saw something on our PC browser at home that caught my attention and made my blood rush to my head...which in turn caused my reactions to be "If I don't check, I'll never find out, because again and again he's proven dishonesty and secrecy!" - Not to be mistaken as a justificatin of my actions, but the fact that I have done something that not only is decietful to him, but ultimately hazardous to me just proves that the effects of what has happend has dampered my ability to think rationally. Therefore, removing myself from what can cause me harm seems to be the most effective route to take to start healing myself and get closer to being me again.<P>Dogbert-<BR>About the separation that men have about their relationships - WELL, IT REALLY SCARES ME... Now I am really doubtful if he will ever become honest with me. He's a good guy, except for these extracarricular activities that are not healthy for our M. I just wonder if there's a way for him to be honest and for me to gain trust back...<P><BR>Very distrought...<BR>BJ<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Dogbert:<BR><B>BJ and Cindi -<P>This article may be of interest to you. <A HREF="http://www.family.org/focusoverfifty/justforyou/a0013249.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.family.org/focusoverfifty/justforyou/a0013249.html</A> </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dogbert-<BR>I just read it and for some reason, I have found some kind of hope that I will get through this. My Husband and I may get through this...<BR>BJ

BJ-<P>The compartmentalizing that men can do should scare you and it shouldn't. Remember, the heart is deceitfully wicked. Even yours. Nobody can really trust their motives because that is the condition of the human heart. On the other hand, to have that information should give you strength to deal with it.<P>About you knowing everything - I remember telling my wife off and on for years that I was struggling with pornography. But, she never snooped and I would tell her I was "doing okay." But, I was lying. What I really was trying to say was "I 'want' to be doing okay."<P>After I was wallowing in my own misery I decided enough was enough. So, I gave into the tug of God telling me to wake up and realize I couldn't really be effective at fighting this alone. So, God in his grace pulled me out. What I would love to do is talk with your H. I am sure we would have a commonality somewhere.<P>I am gladdened that you have hope!

I did snoop, and now H. thinks I am doing it every day. But even the OW has been emailing and forwarding H. emails to me. Now all of a sudden, the OW has stopped emailing me. I am now in this situation where do I snoop again, or trust, and when I trust, will it hurt me again later? I chose that for this one hour, I will trust him, until I know differently, I will trust him and GOd to protect me I need to get back to work, I will check in later--gn

Tough choices - Either one is not less painful than the other. <P>It hurts to know and it hurts not to know. <P>Trust - I've never realized how important it really is until now. Now that I am having trouble recollecting how it is to trust someone. I am only afraid now of the distructive effect my lack of trust will have on my family, my children especially. <P>-BJ

My dear friend, trust is a hard on for all of us here on this forum. It can't be given easily or even won back easily. I have not heard from the OW in two weeks, does this mean my H. is emailing her again? H. was angry at me because H. thinks I destroyed his email that he set up just for her, using their intials as the address, you know like jd-n-jd, and that hurt! IF it is suppose to be over, why in the heck would he care if he accessed it or not?? So I understand, and I have to take it slow and careful, and not lash out in anger, but try to be objective and loving, and try to let him know I am not on track for a destruction of our marriage, but inviting him to try to save it. I wish I could talk with you more, because we have the same problems. I will check in later tonite, take care--gn

Yes, trust is a difficult concept for me right now too.<P>Yesterday I emailed my W on her new account (the one she was having the EA on) with a simple "I love you" e-card. She replied saying I didn't need to do that to check if she was using the account, because she knew I was snooping all the time anyway - but I'm not!<BR>I am trying to trust her right now not to contact the OM again. <P>Right now she is confusing the existence of the email account (which she set up herself, and which I'm very proud of her for doing because she's never been very computer literate) with one of the things she used it for, namely to have her EA. Because she identifies the email account with the problem she says I don't want her to contact anyone and she feels cut off from the world.<P>Still, at least this did get us talking briefly last night, and I told her exactly how I feel. I'm still not sure she fully understands what she's done to me, but there were a couple of brief 'touches' last night that indicated to me that maybe we're on the way back.<P>Of course, I'm only just beginning to realise all that I have done (or not done) to her over the past few years to allow this to happen. I'm determined that this will change, but I don't think she believes me yet.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by seagull:<BR><B>Yes, trust is a difficult concept for me right now too.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>"TRUST" It looks like just a word, for someone who has never been betrayed. For someone who has, "IT MEANS EVERYTHING..." <P>It's funny how we take advantage of the little pleasures we have in life and when we find it's not there anymore, - we miss it tremendously. - I miss being free! I miss the freedom I had when I didn't have to worry about my H's infidelity. I miss having a clear mind to express my inner most desires. I miss smiling just because I'm happy with no worries... I don't hardly smile anymore, (unless I have to so people won't notice anything is wrong) It use to come so naturally. I don't feel complete. <P>-BJ