I'm new here, I have a ton of questions on how to survive. I would love some input from those who understand.<BR>My wife and I have had difficulties for about 7 months, talked about separating on and off a couple of times, I didn't want to do that because I was afraid it would be hard to work things out if we were not together. We have been married 12 years yesterday (didn't think we'd make it). To make this long story short, about 5 weeks ago I suggested she take a break from me and the kids and spend a couple days away and alone. I even suggested and tried to plan a couple of places for her to go. When she repeatedly shot down my ideas I became suspicious and had someone follow her. She left work the second day with a co-worker and went to her hotel room and slept with him.<BR>She wanted nothing to do with reconciliation for about a week, although she swore this was the stupidest thing she had ever done and has no feelings for this guy, it was just a one time thing she wishes she could take back (I have a hard time with this). She kept saying that if we had to live together with this problem she would go nuts or end up killing herself. I reassured her over and over that I wanted to do whatever it took to salvage our marriage and family and that I could forgive her and get over this.<BR>Things have gotten better, it's been about 5 weeks and says that she can't believe how wrong she was about trying to get past this.<BR>At first she refused to consider leaving her job, said that we were close to not making it anyway and that the only thoughts of this guy are "stay away". She says that he has also said that she was his single biggest mistake, I phoned his wife to let her know what was going on the night I found out.<BR>This guy travels alot, but the days he is in the office are extremely difficult. At the end of those days I feel like I have been through a war, emotionally draining. I feel like I could do much better if they didn't work together, but she says she doesn't want to leave a job that she really likes and that this guy is not even remotely on her mind and doesn't present a problem. She probably also knows that I'm not going to make a vain threat about her leaving or else... so she chooses to stay. Things keep getting better a little by little but this is difficult. I sometimes think that if this hadn't happened we wouldn't have made it. Now I realize how much I love her and I don't think there is much I wouldn't do to keep her. How do I get over the work situation, and learn to trust her. Can you overdue showing your love and affection?<P>Thanks<BR>Wannawork

Wannawork, I have to run so unfortunately, I do not have time for a long reply. Rest assured you will get some help on this topic here. The work situation is going to be a tough one. I can say no, I do not believe there is such a thing as showing too much love and affection. Typically not showing enough is what plagues us. For only 5 weeks in you sound like your in good spirits about this, good for you. When I get back here I’ll add to this, if it hasn’t been covered already. Welcome aboard…….

What a difficult situation. Your feelings are totally normal and to be expected.<BR>Of course you don't want that other person being anywhere NEAR your wife...<BR>I think if it were me I would be demanding, unfairly of course that she leave her job for the sake of the marriage...but think about it would that REALLY make any difference?<BR>If she REALLY wanted to see him, be with him she fould find a way.<BR>Unfortunately you need to trust her....as impossible as that seems.<BR>You need to BE there for her....Oh it all seems so easy to say when I know in reality it is the hardest thing to do.<BR>Take it one step at a time....be strong and come here to release all your anger and fear.<BR>Just remember this wont last forever..<BR>

Welcome <B>wannawork</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do go through the above link...<BR>...there is a lot to learn...<BR>...and yes... so many of us have been where you are at now!<P>Definitely...<BR>...I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>You need to show her you are serious...<BR>...so if she won't join you...<BR>...<B>start on your own!</B><P> <P>Jim

Thanks to all of you for your insight. My wife and I had a setback this evening. She didn't want to quit her job but agreed to try her best to leave on time in the evenings to get home so we can eat as a family and have as much of a normal evening as possible. Tonight she worked a little late, I had dinner ready for her and we set down to talk about our upcoming weekend, we are going away for our 12th anniversary. I told her that our babysitter offered an extra evening and that we could overstay our weekend by one night. She told me she though she would have to work late Monday and wasn't sure if it could work out, I offered to drive her to and pick her up from work. Then we had this long heated discussion about how this affair has messed up everything and she used to be able to work late and now she can't. This late for work thing is the only request I have really made. She acts as if her job is the most important thing on the face of the earth, I try to tell her that it is much more difficult because this guy she had her fling with is still there. Do I just let her work as she chooses or do I continue to let her know how much it bothers me for the two of them to work together. It seems that all is well until this issue comes up. She swears that she can just block everything out. I don't think that is good and if she really can it only leaves me to deal with all the hurt even if she and this guy can go on as if nothing ever happened. HELP, where do I go from here. Please pray for/with me regarding wisdom and peace in this issue.<P>

Jim, the General Welcome site is down. I don’t know if Wannawork managed to get a look at it before this happened.<P><BR>Wannawork, Here its what I can offer. I feel like an advertisement lately but here I go. Buy the books “Surviving an Affair” and “His Needs/ Her Needs” from this site. I also found the book “Torn Asunder” by Dave Carder to very helpful. Amazon.com has it. Until you get a chance to look at these books and formulate a plan. I can give you this advice. <P>Your wife is in a fog right now. Until you read these books and/or get some counseling started and have a good understanding of what Plan A is. I strongly recommend you keep the peace. Keep doing nice things for her and meeting her needs. I know this stinks and is no way fair but keep this in mind, she says it’s over, “for everyone involved I hope it is” If you get angry and make being with you difficult where will she turn? Right where you don’t want her. You already know she can’t block this out, she’s the one who doesn’t realize this yet, hence the Fog. But your telling her is not going to help. Telling her anything won’t help. You have to show her and it will take some time. <P>One issue that the book doesn’t mention is our “men’s” history of telling a spouse we will change only to settle the problem, then we go right back to our old self. I know, with certainty that my W gave me indicators about the needs I wasn’t meeting. Either she didn’t persist or I did not listen. If I did listen it didn’t sink in, I clearly remember saying I would change only to turn around and do nothing after the argument was over. If this rings true on your end it just enforces that your going to have to show her, not tell her and it will take some time. Jim is right starting the counseling even if she won’t join you, will show her your serious…<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by wannawork:<BR><B>Please pray for/with me regarding wisdom and peace in this issue.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I will pray for you and everyone here at MB. I’ve never been a religious man but the A has certainly changed that part of my life also. It's amazing what a smack like this, one that echo’s through every part of your mere existence, will do to your self-awareness.<P>