I just found out from my teenage brother that my step-father is having an affair with at least 2 women at the office that they both work at. I don't live near my mother, but we speak often and I'm going home for Christmas. She has told me many times that she would want to know, and also that if she ever did find out, that her marriage would be over - no questions. They're marriage has lasted 10 years, and my step-father has become my dad, which makes this so hard. I had decided I would tell her during my trip, after Christmas, but I just spoke with her and she told me that he's been treating her better recently. I don't want to tell her now, but I feel like I have to since we are so rarely together face-to-face. Also, my brothers and sisters are being put in a bad position (living under a bad marriage, and the youngest, 8 years old, was taken over Thanksgiving by my step-father to stay with his "old girlfriend." - my mom doesn't know). Please help me, I don't want to hurt her and I'm angry/sad/confused...

Livid,<P>You are right neither you nor your siblings should be in this position. I would recommend that rather than tell your Mother, that you tell your step-father what you know. Tell him that it is his responsibility to talk with your mother. You obviously have some respect for him and I think you should tell him that you do, but it will be gone if he isn't man enough to discuss his problems and situation with your mother.<P>If he fails to do that, then find a way to talk with your mother. This will be one of the hardest conversations you will ever have but you are right she needs to know.<P>What might interest you is that your mothers and step-fathers marriage may not be over. Many people who come here find a way to rebuild their marriage. You might want to suggest to both of them that they read some about this topic. The two books often recommend are "His Needs Her Needs" by Harley and Surviving an Affair. There are others.<P>Most people are really not equiped to deal with all that happens in a marriage and they seek comfort elsewhere or they withdraw. I certainly cannot judge your parents marriage but maybe these books will help them see what they are doing.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Livid,<BR>Let me second all of JL sentiments, First give your stepfather the opportunity to see the error of his ways. Let him know that it is his place to divulge this information and the only way you will do it is if he won’t.<BR>I’ll also second what JL has said in regards to your mothers statement that she would just end it no questions asked. Marriages are very complex creatures, it is very easy to prejudge what you would do. I can’t tell you how many times in my life I would comment on someone else’s tragedy with a hard fast “I would leave then, period” Yet hear I am trying to piece this mess back together. The books suggested are right on the money for a foundation to healing. Even if your mother does walk she will find comfort in them and they will help to understand what has happened.<BR>

Livid,<P>I agree with Just Learning and Oswald, you need to tell your step-father that you know, and then give him a chance to do the right thing. Your Mother may say that she would end the marriage if she found out, but I believe that she REALLY doesn't know what she would do - no one does until they are actually put in that situation. It's entirely possible they will work out their differences, but you should first give your step-father a chance to start the process going.<P>Hope this helps.<P>-HD

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 10:20 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Livid,<BR>I have to admit that Hanora's feeling did cross my mind but I dismissed them. I guess when you are on our side of the fence everyone seems guilty until proven innocent.

Well said Oswald.