My first post and I need to vent. It took 9 months before I knew what was gowing on with my BS, but finally we were making progess. I have read many books and most of this web site. I went crazy when I couldn't piece together his story, it just wouldn't fit. I found out about his 2nd affair which he didn't want to reveal until aroud July 4, hince Exploding. He went 45 days & then 2 weeks without contact and we made much progress, talk a lot about honesty.<BR>He said I have changed and is angry about why now. <BR> I am exploding now because he call OW the last three days, 1st time I did not have to ask and he volunteered the information along with asking if I wanted to see what she looked like. I am trying so hard to just say thanks for being honest, but it hurts so bad. <BR> Part of the reasons he has called her is to relay what we have been discussing about complete honesty, OW is married and doesn't know about her past affairs, only her current affair. I wrote an anniversary letter similiar to the one in the book SAA, but left out the part about separation, and included parts from another book called 'In the Meantime, discussing forgiveness and love. I also mailed it to her since my WS didn't seem to recognize my love for him.(He knew I mailed the letter & called each time to see if she received it.) The OW showed that letter to her husband at lunch today, and brought up the subject of honesty YUCK!<BR> I told WS that I don't want our discussions or my actions to be the cause of phone contact with other woman, and I would not do anything that I couldn't discuss with anyone.<BR> I suppose I should be happy he is willing to tell me, but I am having a hard time handling his infomation.

Exploding,<BR> <BR>Handling hurtful information like this is one of the hardest thing you will ever face. If you can continue to do it you will feel better in the long run. In the beginning I held my W as she cried because she missed the OM, as she cried because he was getting married, and as she cried because he had not even tried to contact her after D-day. <P>At the time I felt like killing them both but, I just held her an told her I understood, really I wanted to puke. I wasn’t perfect every time but I tried, and now months later after the fog is gone I’m so glad I did it this way. Exploding would have just sent her running back to her comfort zone.<P>That’s not to say if it gets to tough you can’t ask for some relief. My W and I had a code, if things got to heavy for me to handle appropriately, or vise versa I would just say “uncle” and that was a cue that we had to stop talking about it for a while.<P>Yes honesty is better, but you’re right that often it hurts.<P>Hang in there,<P>oswald<BR>

Oswald, Thank - you for responding, Your post helped along with bringing up a new question. I know being hugged is most women's EN especially when crying, but sometimes I don't know if hugging my WS would help when his is crying about his indeciveness. At times I want to, but I feel he is crying about missing the OW more than dealing with his feelings about me. <P>We did have a cooling off period after our first discussion last night and he went to a meeting. When he got home we talked okay and calmly, he said he doesn't know how he truely feels about the OW, because they have not seen each other (PA) since March 2001 and it has been an EA with many phone calls. The EN she is meeting for him presently are admiration, & affection along with discussing future dreams and present problems. I know that is one aspect we did not do enough of was discussing our future dreams & fantasies with each other. Right know I have a hard time looking to next week let alone one or two months from now. I know he is in a fog & experiencing withdrawal - I just need to keep meeting his EN and not LB.<P>Anyway back to my question, which I think I will answer myself and see how he responds by hugging him tightly even if I feel he is crying more about missing the OW. Thanks for letting me write. Defused for now.