I've posted here a few times and have got some useful tips and now I'm looking for another.<P>D-Day for me was May 9. Since that time H and I have been trying to work things out. H is also an alcoholic and pot abuser. Problem for me I feel sometimes is three-fold. OP works in the same company as both of us. H hasn't stopped drinking or smoking even though he admits to having a problem. I can't get past the A and often fantasize about killing her (I would never do it, but nontheless think about it). My work is suffering, I can't concentrate because I'm obsessed with the two of them. H tells me he loves me and I believe him with all of my heart but she has managed to worm her way in with his friends so now he's sad that he doesn't have lunch with his friends anymore and feels alone. At least he's respecting the no contact.<P>I want to tell him I want to be alone for awhile to deal with the A by myself but don't have the backbone to tell him, funny thing is I'm afraid of hurting his feelings after all that she and him have done to me, to my trust, to my sanity etc...<P>I'm also afraid that if I tell him to leave he'll go straight to her and I think that would kill me if he did. I was thinking of taking some time off of work to deal with this (I think I may be having a breakdown) but I have already taken 5 weeks off in June because of this. I am generally a very strong person and don't let things get to me but this is literally killing me inside.<P>I believe him when he says it's over, but I somehow can't get past it and am now wondering if it's the drinking and pot that's getting to me or if it's everything combined and I just can't get myself out of it. I want my marriage to work more than anything. I'm trying not to LB, I'm following Plan A. I'm in therapy and in Al-Anon reading all kinds of books and still cannot pull myself out of this.<P>Has anyone been there done that?

Hearbroken,<P>My prayers go out to you, and your H. After my D-Day, May 19th, I began to drink a LOT more too. Though I had no contact since, and I was glad my W found out I was drownding my emotions to deal with my self inflicted sorrow. I thought it was helping me cope. My W wanted out understandibly, and frankly if there were no kids involved, she probably would have taken that option. But after 1 and 1/2 months of self medication, there was a HUGE blow up, bigger than I care to elaborate on. Since July 8th I have not had a drop, and though since that date we have not had relations we are getting better emotionally each day. So it is a building of everything since that date. It was VERY bad, I don't even remember what was said, but I hurt her to the core. The good side is that I'm clean now and she says better than ever. He has to come to realize that regardless of the outcome, he will be a better person if he does this for himself, and everyone involved. So if there is any help I can give it's that your H has to stop the self medication. I was up and down so much during that period, medication was needed, but not self medication, I insisted on it just to get over the hump and eliminate the some of the peaks and valleys. I am on a low dose of Paxil now and it really helps for the time being. Are you and he seeing a counsoler?<BR>You both are in my prayers. <BR>TopCat

Thanks TCAT,<P>He has always drank and smoked up. In the 11 years we've been together I realized last week there was not one night that he's come to bed straight or sober. The A is killing me and the drinking and the smoking up is bothering me. He used to say it was because of me that he was drinking and smoking up. Since going to Al-Anon I've learned to try and detach and don't get on his case about it or even bring it up anymore. He's in the garage as much if not more than ever. Sometimes I want to ask him what is he running away from. I can't force him to get help he has to do this on his own. I am in counselling (by myself) and stopped for about a month now. I think I need to go back. I also think that if all 3 of us didn't work at the same place it would be easier. Although we don't work in the same department (OP and H do) and I don't get that much of an opportunity to see him during the day. I find myself wondering if she has tried to see him or vice versa. I believe him when he says he hasn't but I saw her with him last week.<P>I really don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm having a mental breakdown because of all this.

Of course you do. This must be one of the hardest times of your life. You need to come up with a plan A or B to get some control and structure in your life. Counsoling for him will be a waste if he does not see the value for both of you in it. Do go yourself, of course ask him too, but I wouldn't expect him to. I know myself 2 years ago would refuse counsoling as I still had it going on. I'll pray for you. Come up with a plan. <P>TomCat <P>

What made you stop drinking? I keep having this hope that he’ll stop. I know that I can’t live like this anymore. The OW is there and is still hanging around with his friends and won’t give them up. It’s at the point where I’m afraid to go and say hi to them because I feel it will make his friends feel uncomfortable. I’m also afraid of hurting his feelings. Ironic isn’t it after all that he’s done I’m still thinking about how he will react if I tell him to leave.<P>He knows something is bothering me, he’s asked and I tell him that it’s not about him this time it’s about me. I love him so much and I want my marriage to work but I can’t let go of what he has done. I try but it always comes back to her. I know that I’m giving her power over my life by thinking about what she and him have done to my life. Maybe the mistake I made was trusting him too much and now I don’t trust him at all. I find myself checking his cell phone to see if he’s called her.<P>When I see him staring off into space I wonder if he’s thinking about her. He wants me to just forget it and put it past us and I can’t. I try to talk to him about it and I ask him to try and understand how I’m feeling and he tries to change the conversation.<P>Last Friday it was 11 years we started dating, seeing we didn’t really celebrate our wedding anniversary, I thought I would do something special to celebrate. I bought him a gift and gave him my full attention on Friday. I had given him back my wedding ring a couple of months ago. Actually, I threw it in her face and I thought that maybe he would give me my ring back on Friday and he didn’t. This really hurt me. I thought that if he wanted us to be together he would have given me the ring back and asked me to wear it again. Maybe, this was just my wishful thinking. It hurt that he didn’t give it back to me. I even mentioned it to him (very calmly and nicely). He then told me he didn’t know what to say to me sometimes. Can’t he see the hurt I have inside? Or, is he trying not to see it by numbing himself more with pot and beer? I’m so lost right now I don’t know which way is up or down.<BR>

See your counsoler and come up with a plan. You need to get some control. You may have to just say FU. I don't know what to tell you except that his numbing himself will get neither one of you anywhere, and please don't set yourself up for disappointment like your ring situation. I know how much it means to you, but at this point in time, it doesn't for him. If you have a plan and it is clear to him, he has the chance of comming back around. You are in my prayers. You're stronger than you think.