Hello MBs,

Am now pretty much convinced H of 20 yrs. has had at least one PA.(no admission-constantly denies) Help me with perspective please, am I crazy like H wants me to think? Found email to "Princess" and her name on his messenger list. When she asked to talk to him and I got him, he went white and fingers visibly trembled when he tried to type. Found her name with hearts around it in his pants pockets. Went to work Christmas party w/o me (weather was extremely bad-I was afraid to go)stayed overnight and never called til 8:30 in the morning. (says was too intoxicated to call-had accident with my car also) Other indicators over last couple yrs from MB list w/couple of my own:<p>lies
took off wedding ring
renewed interest in appearance
possessive toward wallet/carry case, etc.
carries extra change of clothing
comes home more often with alcohol on breath(goes to bar by work with "guys")
using new words or phrases
discusses things previously had no interest in
concerned about how breath smells
pre-paid cell phone
distanced ever further from myself and children
his car locked to keep family out
hang up phone calls
juvenile behavior
has to know all the latest CDs, buys them
deteriorated sex life
definite change in morals
increase in social drinking, designer drinks
chat EAs-numerous and ongoing (2-3 particular ones)
closes windows when I walk into room, mutes or lowers volume on computer
deletes files/cookies immediately after using computer
insists on privacy for email, messenger
out of blue (right after discovery of "princess") made appt. with divorce lawyer-not followed through<p>
Most importantly-being a Christian-was spoken to by the Lord. One night he walked in the door-it was out of absolutely nowhere-the shades, the change of clothes, headset around neck, the whole very slick appearance. Like I viewed him in tunnel vision. I was at the stove making dinner-I'll never forget it as long as I live. I thought, "wow, he looks great". The closer he got, the stronger the sense and then the still, soft voice. "Affair." It was a confirmation to all I'd been thinking and feeling quietly for a while. The words tumbled out awkwardly and almost laughingly I was so thrown off. "Are you having an affair?", I asked. He laughs nervously and incredulously with this huge smile and says "What??". He turns and walks away. I guess I wasn't ready to see then so I let it go. I trusted him. <p>I am reading to implement Dr. Farley's program. I cried my heart out for 3 weeks after discovery of that email, and hers to him, "I'm on vacation, getting a tattoo, will show you when I get back." It could have been an EA, but with all the lying and other evidence I have put together(and other things that continue to come to mind when I read posts) it doesn't look good. Plus,I am certain of the online EAs because I had a monitoring program and found out firsthand. Agonizing. Devastating to hear about yourself to others. I am willing to rebuild but cannot w/o knowing the truth from him. And now I am suddenly so angry and hurt-I believe from seeing all the indicators and breaking out of my fantasy world. I can barely look at him. I'm a wreck from a few hours before he's due home and can barely think when he is here. I want to talk about all of it honestly-anger and all, but he won't. I cry no matter where I am or what I'm doing. There is a houseful of kids here 4b and 1g, 7-20. Complete silence from oldest son to H. H previously carried on online in full view of children and myself. Now he waits until I go out. I constantly go back and forth about him leaving-asked him to twice last week. He says nothing. I have to have answers-honesty. He is still lying-I have proof. The EAs continue and he continues to seek out more. He continues his fantasies while saying he is working on marriage. Do I confront him with proof? Find a way to snoop to get for irrefutable evidence? I know I can control only my behavior. (beginning to question that)I have to get a grip on my emotions so not to LB. How with all this going on? I am tettering on depression I believe for not being able to get this out somehow-somewhere.....sorry so long.<p>Sobroken<p>
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sobroken,<p>Welcome to MB. You have found the right forum of support for people tying to save their M. Read as much as you can about MB, follow links on my signatures ... read HNHN and SAA.<p>Do not dwell on PA or not ... sin is a sin !. There is no different in the eyes of the Lord between them. When the time comes H will tell you for now he is in the fog, leave him alone.<p>Put together a solid plan A and you could snoop on the computer ... you could install a keyboard recorder.<p>God Bless you -RH-

sobroken<p>First off, I am so sorry for your pain. It is devastating to discover an affair, and oddly enough, even though you see clearly all the signs that are there (and you have plenty to go on) this will hit you even harder when your spouse tells you from his own mouth (if he ever does). It is a weird feeling when you hear it from the betrayer. You are partly relieved to know that your hunches were right, but at the same time it kills you to hear the words of admission spoken by your spouse. If you reach the point of getting disclosure from your husband, be prepared for the disclosure process to take time. In order to protect you, he may tell you things in little bits and pieces. It can be a slow, agonizing process. My only advice at that point is to try not to get totally wrapped in knowing the nitty-gritty details of every conversation that they have ever had or every intimacy that they have ever shared together. It will drive more insane than what you are going through now just wondering if it has reached PA yet. Granted, you do need to know, and you are entitled to ask any question you wish and receive the answers that you need to deal with the reality of the affair, I am just warning you to take in the information slowly and process it. I asked my wife very detailed questions about the sex aspect of her affairs and now I have images in my head that I can't erase or ignore. <p>Redhat gave you a good starting point. Follow it. This is a long painful process but your marriage can be saved and you have certainly come to the best place that you can find online to help rebuild. God Bless.

Sobroken,<p>I am sorry for what you are going through. You will find many others who share your pain here.
Your husband sounds like so many of our spouses here. He sounded like mine did three years ago. We had been married over 22 years at the time.<p>You said you are a Christian. You will need the Lord more than you ever have right now. Cry out to Him! I received my comfort from the Psalms. I prayed that the Lord would put a hedge of protection around my husband and protect him from anything or anyone that would destroy my marriage. I also prayed that the other person would lose interest. My journey through this valley lasted over two years, but God has changed my husband's heart and he dedicated his life to the Lord over a year ago. I am so thankful for God's goodness to me. <p>One of the things I did very early in this journey was to analyze how I had failed my husband and God. I had put my children first. Many times I was so exhausted with rescuing them that I had nothing left for my husband. I also had a lot of resentment because he didn't meet any of my emotional needs. I apologized to my husband and really started trying harder to meet his needs. Because he would not admit to an affair (and did not confess for two years), I told him I felt we were growing apart and wanted to make our marriage better. I shared with him books on making our sex better and books on protecting our marriage. On the outside, things seemed better but he was so addicted to this other relationship. He got much better at hiding it. It continued even after we moved over 2000 miles away.<p>You will find a lot of support and information on this website. My heart found hope every time I read at www.rejoiceministries.org. The book Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian is a great book with many scriptures to pray for your husband.<p>I will be praying for you that God will guide you and that He will work in your husband's heart.