Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 3 1 2 3
#413160 05/10/02 01:34 AM
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 2,546
*
Member
Offline
Member
*
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 2,546
Dear deelam,<p>for what you are going through, you sound so strong and gosh you are doing your part great!!!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Guess what. He never showed up for the game. He called when we got home and stated he had a few drinks so he didnt think he should attend. Why do men do these things?? He knew he had a game with his daughters, he knew the team counts on him, and why in the world would he invite me to dinner and then not show up??? <hr></blockquote><p>I would just think he is very "foggy" he seems very insecure!!!! Think, he isn't taking over any responsibility at the moment, neither for you, the girls nor for the team that counts on him. <p>He must get a reason to start to think again. I would give my best and concentrate on myself and the girls.
I wouldn't stop the girls from calling, they keep contact and you back up. (telling them not to call their father, might backlash on you and make you the "mean" mommy. Don't give a hoot if he thinks that you are wanting them to call him.
They are his girls too and this reminds him everytime!!!! I'd think of this in a good way. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p> Don't relay on him just do your things. Go out for dinner whether he shows up or not, don't wait for him to let you down. I wouldn't be available for him all the time. Do your plans!!! And please stay CALM, you seem to be very good at this right now and you truely have my admiration.<p>He's having problems and you are taking over the responsibilty!!! He's living in a "unreal" world and again you are showing that you are a responsible, dependable, loving person.
I found that when my H got out of his "dream world" he really realized this. He has told me many times, that he just doesn't understand himself and what the *ell was going on in his mind. I was keeping things together, I was not running away from responsibilty and this made him think.<p>Now almost 1 1/2 years since our D-D he tells me, he knows what great qualities I have!!! He respects me for the strength that I had, even though I was going through the worst time of my life. He was absolutely behaving like a "child"!<p>He also tells me now that me staying calm and loving (no matter what he said) built the bridge for him to want me!!!
I did tell him that I have a few things that I will demand and I told him these in a calm but persisting way.
I told him, I will deal with all but only under the circumstance of
"FULL HONESTY, NO LIES!!!!!
NO OW!!!!!!!!!!!
NO CONTACT TO OW!!!!!!NO CONTACT AT ALL!!!!!!!!<p>But you are not here yet. Give this time.........
Don't think of giving up, this doesn't sound hopeless, believe me. And trust yourself, I think you are really doing your best.<p>hugs
BB
PS: him asking you if you need money sounds good. He is thinking, he feels guilty. Just don't pressure!!!!!!! sounds good, good........ [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
Why would he be asking, if he didn't care at all??? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

#413161 05/10/02 05:08 PM
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 37
D
deelam Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 37
I wish things were go smoother than they are. Had a run in with H today. We were to have dinner last night, no show. Then he said how about tonight and he cancels because one of my daughters had plans.<p>I did learn a little tid bit while having our discussion today....He said he does miss sleeping next to me at time, he does miss waking up to his D's at times. He spoke with a friend of mine today and told her all we ever discuss our the kids and finances. And that our lives have now turned into working and running around with kids, that we don't have any us time.<p>I agree!! But how can it change the way he wants. Our kids are getting older and more demanding of their needs. He told me that the OW has nice conversations with him, well DUH, she doesnt have kids or finance issues to discuss with him..<p>I think he is reaching for intimate conversations, but how can we have them living apart.

#413162 05/11/02 02:08 AM
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 2,546
*
Member
Offline
Member
*
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 2,546
Hi deelam,<p>well I'm feeling that things are going the right direction, even if you don't think so at this time.<p>Your H seems to be opening up!!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] YAAAAAAAAAAA!!! You've got him thinking!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey this sounds great and he's even saying that he's missing somethings!!!!!!!!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My H's OW also didn't have kids, she didn't work and she had alot of time. So of course this was all "phony, dreamy world"!!<p> It's probably a nice though once in awhile if you have a business, 4 kids and lots of work and hardly any time, but this isn't his/your reality!!!!! And it never will be!!!!! <p>You/your H have a different world. But it is up to you to create these dreamy times in your life!!!!
I hope you understand me.
I know that the kids get older and they do get more demanding. But would it be possible for you and your older girls to work as a team????<p>When my H and I were having problems, I explained this to them(2 kids) calmly and very understanding.
I didn't get too detailed just explained that we were having problems and needed time for ourself. (our case was abit different) my H didn't move out. Anyways my kids were very understanding and loved the idea of us working with one another and helping each other. Since they were aware that we needed time with each other to get out and go away with one another, we were able to reconnect!!!!<p>In your case wouldn't the older ones look after the small ones to just let you and H have more time??? Wouldn't they be prowd of themselves knowing that they are helping all of you become strong again?<p>Wouldn't this maybe even help them to learn what a true family is??? Stepping back and letting the parents have time for each other too and not always just thinking of their delights???<p>I'm saying this as I have became aware of so many things like this and I see what mistakes we have made in the past dealing with the kids.
Our kids were also very demanding. We hardly had time on our own, and when we did, they would just walk in on us!!! We could never feel undisturbed!!!! They had to learn this, mothers and fathers need their own time too and they must respect this!!!!!!!<p>Maybe just think about this and what possibilities your might have and what things you could change to get quality time with one another. <p>When things calm down and your H is out of his "fog" he will maybe see this abit different again. <p>I think it is a great success that he is saying at least able to talk what he is missing and this is very important for you to listen.
He says he talks with OW about non-financial stuff,well in your case (It was the same for me) this is far from reality but it does explain that he is missing things. You know him, I don't but I would pressume that his top EN'S are admiration, wanting to fell understood and SF!!! <p>Start plan A!!!!!! You have the best chances to make this turn out!!!!!!! Take your time and stay calm. You know him better than any OW!!!!!!<p>If this all doesn''t work, send your 4 girls to your H and give him all the business work. OW can do it all and then see what he thinks of her!!!!!
[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
(just thinking, imagine this!!!!)
hug ya
BB<p>[ May 11, 2002: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</p>

#413163 05/12/02 06:33 AM
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 46
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 46
Hi Deelam. Happy Mother's Day. Just thinking of you and wondering how you are doing.

#413164 05/13/02 05:46 AM
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 37
D
deelam Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 37
An entire weekend has passed and no contact from WS. Last contact was on Friday when we had our outbursts. The girls had softball Sat. and he didn't show up nor did he call them. Sunday was mother's day and no contact. He must really be in a "fog". This avoidance hurts so much.<p>I am trying to handle it all, but it is extremely hard. H has always been my best friend. We would discuss everything, now we can't even hold a conversation.I don't even believe he wants to talk with me. Well a wrote him a PLAN A letter.<p>I told him how much I love him, and I tried to be intimate in the letter, since this is what it appears we are lacking (based on our conversation on Friday). I hope it helps.<p>My Oldest D wrote her father letter, inquiring why he doesn't call them unless they call first? Why he hasn't been at her younger sisters softball games? She is very confused but informed me, that it doesn't matter what the outcome is as long as she can spend time with both parents.<p>That hurt some, because I always thought she wanted us all too stay together, but she informed me that she doesn't like to see me cry anymore, and she knows I only cry because of her daddy.<p>Both did that hit a soft spot.<p>Must run, Monday rush with the girls, I will check back later.<p>deelam

#413165 05/14/02 04:06 AM
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 2,546
*
Member
Offline
Member
*
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 2,546
Dear deelam,
I've been sick since yesterday, a bad flue has hit me. But I still just wanted to leave you a note and let you know that you are not alone.<p>I feel the pain that you are going through, gosh...... I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
I had ordered all the books that everyone was mentioning and I finally got them yesterday. So my flue is giving me the oppurtunity to read abit.<p>Right now I'm reading "His Needs Her Needs"! If you have the possibility get it and read, it's very informing. I read somewhere on MB about the chemistry of an Affair. This I find helps alot too. Your H is in deep fog, I wouldn't take this personally!!! Gosh I know this is the hardest thing to do and I'm feeling with you.
As in the book HNHN explains it is now up to you to fill in his Love Bank. You must give him reasons to want to be with you.
He is avoiding and this is a sign that he really is confused!!!!! <p>He is not in the "reality" world. He is in a world that is only filling in his unfullfilled EN'S. I hope you understand. It will take time for him to get his head back into place again.
Don't pressure, don't become unpatient!!!! Think time!! If he doesn't seek contact, wait. He will start to miss something. When he does contact, don't give him any reason to want to back off!!!! He must start to feel comfortable about seeing and talking to you again. He must get interested in you again and feel happy to see you!!!!
Get the books and read, they explain these things so well and surely better than I do. <p>Concentrate on yourself and do good things for yourself. We all know what you are going through and when you feel like crying come here and vent. This will make you feel better and you are not LB. <p>I'd like to give you a big hug and comfort you. You can make it!!!!!! I have and many others have too!!!!
[img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>hug ya
BB

#413166 05/14/02 09:00 PM
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 37
D
deelam Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 37
Hey there,<p>Well it was a smooth sailing evening. Had softball practice, with no confrontation. Thats good. I think it is because I learned to keep to myself.<p>THe entire family went to dinner at KFC, which was peaceful. Not much conversation, but at least no arguing.<p>We all came back to the house, and he phoned his brother who lives out of state, to discuss our trip to visit the family. He never did mention any of our situation. Well the trip is set, we are all going on July 20 for a one week visit, he invited another family to join us (friends of ours). It should be a fun trip, but it will definitely be uncomfortable....I mean we are married yet we definitely do not act it, I know we are just starting and it takes time I just feel real weird.<p>A friend of mine just bought me a book called "When your Partner Wants to Leave" by David Hawkins. I really related to the stories in the book. It is definitely reassuring visiting this web site and reading the book to know you are not alone.<p>My mind is definitely doing a whirl wind spin. Today I told a friend to speak with my husband and tell him to just make a decision, even if it means D. I was not coping well today. My mind was thinking outrages thoughts and I got scared. Scared of being alone, scared of not being loved anymore, just plain scared.... Luckily he didnt say anything to my H, I think in the back of my mind I wish he did, but then again...<p>I miss my H, and from everything I read, I know he is in a fog. He actually looked at my vehicle tonight because I had no brake lights and plans on returning tomorrow to fix it. I asked him to watch the kids on Thurs. evening because I have to attend a meeting for work and he said he would. DOes this mean he is finally realizing what he has been missing???? I know he has been only gone for 19 days but it feels like eternity. I want for us to keep heading in an upward motion and begin to recover it all. I want us to regain our relationship with changes. Can it truly happen?? Will he ever see the light??<p>My eldest daughter commented that it was the first time we got together and her parents did not argue. I felt good inside. I only wish he heard her comment. <p>Gotta run. Will check back later.

#413167 05/15/02 01:36 AM
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 2,546
*
Member
Offline
Member
*
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 2,546
Dear deelam,
well you sound as if you are coping very well. I know you are sad, but I think you are doing a good job. It is so important for you to stay calm and not to get emotional when he comes along.
It doesn't sound hopeless to me. Why would he be interested in your carbrakes if nothing mattered?<p>Think about the MB people when you feel insecure and sad. Think that Plan A is for yourself and the reason is to gain time so that your H has time to get out of his "fog"!
If he does come to fix your car, just thank him and show him this is a loving way. (stay smooth....and soft) If he doesn't come get this done somewhere else.
Going to this trip together can make you come closer again, even though others are around. You'll need alot of energie to go through this and I'm sure it can work. Have you gotten medication from your doctor? I find this would help to keep yourself calm. Staying calm is the most important part of this and I know this is tremendously difficult but not impossible.<p>At the beginning of our recovery my H was still abit foggy, he wanted our marriage to work but I see now that he was still foggy.
I at that time didn't know that this was normal for his situation. I was calm, soooooo calm. I listened to what he said and I didn't have the urge to argue, I was giving all my love and was very understanding.
I think now, I did the best and my H tells me this too. He said if I would of reacted "hyper" he would not of stayed, he would of ran!!!!!!<p>I have learnt so much and I'm still working on myself. The "fog" has shed from my H and he too has learnt so much, he too is working on himself.<p>Plan A will never stop for us as this is the magic to a happy marriage. Finding out what is missing and working on that, filling in these EN'S and never stopping. The OW just fills in a few EN'S, the needs that are just missing, she isn't able to fill in all as she doesn't know your H the way you do. She just knows the "foggy" man.
And think he only knows the OW in her pleasent ways. He isn't dealing with the true life, but this will have to come.
He will have to deal with finances, his girls, his business and all tasks to make life work. He is now just sticking his head in the sand and hoping it will go away. But this will never come true. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>If you can realize what is happening and if you give this time and patience he will for sure wake up. Think he too is very insecure, he doesn't have a plan. His thoughts will be bouncing back and forth. <p>What also helped me alot was to think following: (hope this doesn't sound wierd)
I thought to myself, what would I do if I had an affair???
-I'd look my best
-I'd show admiration
-I'd listen very good to what OM has to say (keep eye-contact (loving-eyes)hope you understand [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
-I'd smile alot ( happy + sparkly)
-talk in a happy voice
-I'd want to comfort other man (in your case comfort with words, not with your body maybe just a hug if this is possible)
-I'd have to tell him that I love him no matter what in a very smooth way.
-I wouldn't pressure
-I wouldn't argue
-I'd want OM to feel goooood
This is what I did and it came from my heart. My H wasn't getting anything negetive and this way it became more and more comfortable for him. He knew that he was doing the right thing with staying with me. He was getting what he got from OW and much more.
When I feel that I'm having a hard time (down day) I think about this and it helps. So I'm still having an A, just it's with my H.
Even though I have problems with trust, this still works. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hope you have a nice day and I'd be happy to hear from you.<p>hugs
BB

#413168 05/15/02 06:01 PM
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 37
D
deelam Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 37
Well today was not a good day. It started out fine and we were getting along, then at the end of the day I received a email from a friend. She informed me my H told her he had a "new" girlfriend and that he was happy.<p>I was floored, I got real emotional and cried all the way home, the hard part of it all is he is suppose to come by tonight to do paperwork for the company and he requested my assistance. I want to tell him to shove it up his ***.<p>How could he tell a close friend of ours about all this, and then invite me on a family trip??? Or how could he show signs that he wants to try and make it work and tell our friend this. Either way I dont care. I am going to give him the ultimatum this evening. He needs to either give her up and move in or just DIVORCE me because i am not as strong as all of you and I can not continue with this emotional up and down!!<p>Am I wrong???<p>Please help.

#413169 05/15/02 08:15 PM
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 37
D
deelam Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 37
Well I didn't blow up even though my emotions told me otherwise. He ate dinner with the family and we had a brief discussion. He swears there is no one in his life. I informed him he needed to make a decision. He said unfortunately he is unable to make any decisions whether it is to reconcile or marriage or file for the D.<p>He told me if I am unable to sit in this limbo stage then too move on with my life, even if it meant finding another man. How dare he say that!<p>He said he has read all my letters and is not sure want he feels. He never even gives me the satisfaction of a reply to my letters. I am at witts end. I feel us heading down a spiral staircase. He still even wants to take the family trip, it is now scheduled for July. I asked why? He doesn't want to live with me so then why have me go on this trip, he said if he didnt want me to go on the trip he never would have invited me.<p>What does a person think?? How am I suppose to react??

#413170 05/17/02 11:52 AM
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 2,546
*
Member
Offline
Member
*
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 2,546
Dear deelam,
hope you are ok. I haven't had much time but I wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you.
I have been reading this thread and I thought it would help you.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=001282<p>I know it's very long but I love the advice and I find forgiving is dealing very good. If you haven't read this yet, do it. <p>hug ya
BB

#413171 05/18/02 10:05 PM
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 37
D
deelam Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 37
Had a good day! Another softball game. My H called me tonight and we had a real eye opening conversation.<p>He told me he is unable to move back home just yet. He wants sometime to make the right decisions for everyone. He stated he has dropped all contact with the OW because his feelings were changing and he didn't want anything to cloud his decisions regarding our lives.<p>I have been sending him intimate text messages to his cellular phone. He stated he enjoyed them and wondered why I could never open up before. That has always been a problem for me. Sex was not something we discussed in our family. I was raised by a single mom and there were never any discussions on the subject.<p>He enjoyed the messages, so I will continue to send them too him, so he knows how much I truly Love him. I still feel i am a little too late.<p>He says he will always love me, but that he needed and I needed to find happiness. That we are too young not to be happy. Gosh, I hope he sees the light. I love him with all my heart, and I would do anything.<p>I guess I need to talk "dirty" to him more often, too show my affection, since it is what he likes. I never realized that until now. How can someone be married for 14 yrs and not know. We have had difficulties in the bedroom over the years (do too my fault)I can't explain it nor do I understand how I could lose all sexual desires? I always blamed the fact that maybe it was because of the kids, i am really not sure. I know I WANT him now, is that because he's gone??<p>I want to desire him all the time, not just because I can't have him! Any suggestions????

#413172 05/19/02 02:49 AM
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 2,546
*
Member
Offline
Member
*
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 2,546
Oh deelam!!!!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>sounds sooooooo good, I'm sooooo happy for you.
You are surely going the right direction.<p>Even though my situation was different we did have the same problems. Sex had become abit dull due to our business. This has changed completely. Rmember what I said about having an Affair with your H? Well this is just what I do. I've thrown all my "embarrassment about sex" overboard. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

I should of done that years ago. This of course thrilled my H and he too asked why this had to happen after him having an affair??? I really don't know why, maybe it is competition, maybe something else, I really don't know. <p>Here where I live there is a saying:
What a wife should be for her H:
- a gourmet cook in the kitchen
-mother Theresea for the children
-and a whore in bed<p>sounds harsch, I know. But even if I'm not perfect in all points there is some truth in this. <p>Everything seems to be going good for you and you have surely gotten him thinking. Sexuallity has changed completely for us and even though we don't always have time, we do find excitement. Cell phone sex, SMS messages etc, food sex( [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] )etc.....<p>I have opened up completely and I regret that this didn't happen years ago because I too enjoy having fun sex. I can understand that my H has been missing this and didn't see a way to change this.<p>I don't know what suggestions you would like, but if I can help you, feel free to ask. <p>I'm so happy for you that you're doing so good.
hug ya
BB

#413173 05/20/02 06:58 PM
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 37
D
deelam Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 37
Things appear to be turning around. I have been sending him text messages to his cell phone and he likes it. He actually phoned me Saturday evening to talk. We had a conversation for about an hour and seemed to really open up with each other. <p>I am not going to get my hopes up, but he stated he is not in contact with OW they he severed ties because he doesnt want to start having feeling without first making a decision with regards to our family.<p>He did tell me she made him feel good that it was a fantasy. You see she is only in her early 20's and he is 37. So I guess she gave him an ego boost, not real sure. At least he is starting to open up. <p>I am trying not to hover over him or call him often. I actually am enjoying sending him erotic text messages. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Who know maybe we can get the spark back that we have been missing for so many years [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>No matter the outcome, I am starting to feel good about me, continually have the ups and downs, but at least when this adventure is all over and done, I can say I put my best effort into it! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

#413174 05/21/02 12:54 AM
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 2,546
*
Member
Offline
Member
*
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 2,546
Dear deelam,<p>This really sounds great!!
Think, this OW is in her 20's as you said, I suppose you are as your H are in the 30's. Well you're an experienced woman, so take advantage of that!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
Give it to him and I'm so sure that the outcome will be "fizzling!"
[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My thoughts are with you...... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
hugs BB

#413175 05/21/02 06:04 AM
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 151
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 151
Deelam:<p>You are on the right road! <p>My prayers are with you! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

#413176 05/22/02 10:26 AM
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 280
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 280
Deelam, I really feel for you. This is a terrible situation but I have to be honest with you that what has helped me is God. On Monday I finally put my hands up and out and I said, Lord, I've done everything I can do, I've shown him lots of love, compassion but he's in a fog so Lord, I give it to you. Since that day, I have felt an enormous strenght and peace. As the bible states, Peace that surpasses all understanding. My suggestion is that you get on your knees and just cry out to the Lord, ask him to help you release this to him and ask him to give you peace and strength. As for the bills, if you start to harass him about the bills that's going to push him away from you and into the OW hands. Figure out the things you can cut from your monthly bills, readjust your lifestyle and call the credit card companies and explain the situation and ask them to work out a plan with you. You also have to ask God to help you forgive him totally. It's incredible but the Lord has helped me get to that point. My husband is still in this "fog" and as such has not yet returned home but there is nothing I can do that God CAN'T DO and so I leave it to my Lord and Savior Jesus who can heal and restore all things. I will pray for you.

#413177 05/23/02 12:43 AM
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 2,546
*
Member
Offline
Member
*
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 2,546
Dear deelam,
just wanted to know how you're doing????
Hope you are fine. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
hugs
BB

#413178 05/24/02 05:09 AM
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 37
D
deelam Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 37
Well we take two steps forward and ten steps back.
Yesterday was not a good day. I tried to reach my H the evening before because my 4 yr old was ill with high fever and i needed meds. He never returned my calls even after stating he would bring it by.<p>I decided to call where he was staying and found he didnt sleep there that evening. So, I called a phone number that repeatedly showed up on his cell phone bill. BINGO, a female answered and I asked if H was available and she said hold on please.<p>I couldnt believe it, he said he was no longer in contact. He stated he got drunk the nite before and phoned her, the rest is history.<p>He asked me to lunch to discuss the issue. Stated he is not willing to make this marriage work, RIGHT NOW! What is that suppose to mean? He said if I am not willing to hold on he understands.<p>He informed me he will always be there for his D's and that he will provide us with some "rainy day" money. I asked him what did he want, and he informed me he could not move back in because my snooping is driving him crazy. If he would only tell the truth there would be no need for snooping.<p>I mentioned that maybe what he wants is to end it all and he said he didnt know, that he just cant make any decisions now. So he wanted to discuss finances, etc. and the minute I stated we should allow an attorney make those decisions that would be in the best interest of our D's he got upset and wanted to end the conversation.<p>He stated I am the one who wanted to make this "ugly". How can he say that? I love him and he doesnt want to hear it. He said he enjoyed my text messages, however, that there were too many and that they werent me. That I am not sexual and never have been.<p>Why does this have to be difficult. I was sending them because he said he liked it, I didnt send them to upset him. It a no win situation. <p>Im ready to throw in the towel, as much as I feel my marriage is worth saving, he doesnt feel the same. How can he expect me to stay faithful, it has been 4 months since any physical contact. Im drowning fast and I dont like it.<p>I Love him and I want him, but is all this pain and suffering truly worth it. He doesnt feel I love him the way he needs to be loved.<p>I asked him what he sees in this OW. He said its New, spontaneous, different... How can I compete with that, he won't touch me because he doesnt want me to get false hope...<p>Please Help

#413179 05/24/02 08:02 AM
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 2,546
*
Member
Offline
Member
*
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 2,546
Dear deelam,
I feel the pain that you are going through, gosh.
<img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <p>He is definately in a deep fog!!!! Have you gotten any of the books that have been mentioned.
"His Needs, Her Needs" is a great one. I'd like to give you advise but truely don't feel that I'm good enough at doing so. <p>It all sounded as if things were going so good and I'm feeling so much with you. It's as if it is happening to myself. Being lyed to once is tough but thinking that things are over with and then finding out that they never ended surely sucks even more.<p>I can maybe try to explain what I would do. If he did say he doesn't want things to work out right now, I would probably cut down contact. He's in complete "lala" land. Nothing what you do will make sence to him unless he comes out of his fog. Nothing will be seen in a loving way. Sorry to say this, but through what I have experienced it is usually this way.
You must find a way to "keep" you love for him and not get hurt. I would not pressure anything. He must start to think.
I know how hard this is, believe me. I know the pain and how helpless one feels. <p>Do all the reading you can to educate yourself and do plan A for yourself. And think, for him OW is spontanios, different, blah, blah, blah.......This is dream world not reality. She is showing her shiny side, it's just a matter of "time" for him to realize that every person has two sides. For him this might be like an addiction at the moment.
This is what has turned him into an "alien". <p>Stay as calm as you can, vent here in MB's (it helps) find something special only for yourself. This is very important for you. Keep busy, busy. And don't be available for him. Get finacial information. You are being responsible, you are not making anything "nasty"! You have 4 girls and they cannot be fed with "dreams"!
Be sure to take best care of yourself, eat healthy and think good of yourself. <p>I did alot of things that helped me get through my tough days.
I went for long walks
took a bubble bath with candles and music
went window shopping
went to the cinema by myself
went for long car drives with real good music<p>I kept myself very busy and it did help me to straighten out my thoughts abit. <p>Just a question, what was it that attracted your H about you when you met?? There are probably many qualities that attracted him. <p>I wish I could help you more.
hugs
BB

Page 2 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5