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#414112 01/07/03 04:27 PM
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Hi,

Thanks all,

SS - I am still tired, I have another week before school starts. Right now, I am feeling good about H and relationship. H was going to go to our "strong Families" meeting yesterday, except he has been sick for about a week. I've been trying to convince him to see a Dr. He won't do it. I hope he does not have pneumonia. He is very tired when he gets home from work. It doesn't help any that he is working outdoors right now.

I was probably not very clear about not being able to post when Hubby is home, I could post, I don't want him to see my posts right now. I don't go to any lengths to hide it. If he went into the History and stuff, he would find this site. I don't log out, so it would probably pull up with my name on it. H, has very little confidence in counseling. His mom used to force him and his brother into counseling on a regular basis for normal sibling behavior. As adults, they both laugh about it. They have a 6 year age difference, and she expected them to be the best of buds growing up and could not understand why they were not close. Well, what does a 12 year old have in common with a 6 year old. Nothing. Now as adults, they are great friends.

H is willing to go to family counseling for our oldest, so that is progress.

#414113 01/09/03 02:11 PM
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Hey Sue, just checking in on you again. How are things with your H and your son lately? I have to tell you I admire your strenght, I don't know how you do it sometimes. I'd go off the deep end if I had the information you did, but sometimes that's not such a good thing...

Watch your H's sickness, the President at our company let a cold or allergies go too long and ended up with bacterial pnuemonia, and landed in the hospital.

#414114 01/09/03 05:19 PM
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Hi FMWB,

Well, I ended up taking H to urgent care last night. He got some dirt in his eye when he was leaving work and it would not flush out. I suggested to him to tell them about his cold, and ask for a chest x-ray. As usual, he prushed me off. Of course I knew they would listen to his lungs, especially since, I knew he would end up coughing while in there. They didn't give him an x-ray, but they did give him a prescription for an antibiotic and an inhaler. He sounded 80% better this morning. So, we go in for his eye and leave with his illness being checked into.

They don't think he has pneumonia, but they did feel he would benefit from this.

Nothing new in the marriag area. Things are somewhat better. He is nicer to me, more considerate and stuff. I don't know if he is still involved with her or not. I suspect so, but I think it has scaled back some.

Right now, most of the time, the issues are stuff within myself. I want answers, I want to know why, I want to know why he did it, why he didn't talk to me, what is so special about her that he goes to vegas with her, what was so special about her that he left me and the kids 7 years ago, what was so special about her that he was/is protective of her, why he won't be honest with me. All the normal whys. That is what gets to me the most. I can shove those back most of the time, and why does he continually blame be for what happened in the past. Okay, he stopped blaming me, whe I said, whoa, I will not take the blame for you packing your truck and walking out the door, that was a choice you made. I told him I will take the blame for my attitude, I will not take the blame for his overspending, and his almost nightly softball games, and being in the bar. I told him, he chose to do those things. I chose to be angry about it. I will take responsibility for my behavior not his. He has not brought it up since.

<small>[ January 09, 2003, 05:31 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

#414115 01/10/03 11:15 AM
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Good for you for standing your ground. He chose NOT to work on his family life and make it a priority, not you.

I am a very mischevious person... I would make him a bit worried I might have a OM on the side myself. Most WS's can't stand that possibility. That's me though...

If you ever want to talk, I'm here.

#414116 01/13/03 05:35 PM
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Hi Sue,
You seem to be improving. I read your posts around the board, and you have positive answers and advice. I hope this reflects your own life, and I hope you are doing well. ( That, and school started today, so I hope you don't have a hangover from that.)

You have made some positive changes, any reaction from H?

SS

#414117 01/13/03 08:43 PM
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Hi SS,

Things seem to be improving with H. He is home more. He has not gone to any movies "alone" lately, or 3 hour trips to the hardware store for a box of nails and does not come home with the nails.

He has been affectionate lately.

My class officially starts tomorrow, I had to stop by the school to make sure I had everything. Didn't want to show up unprepared.

Ran into my last semester instructor. She is great. She is one of those instructors that wants to see all her students do well.

Most days I'm doing good. The last couple of days I have been tired on and off, when I have energy, I seem to use it up quickly, like making 6 batches (not dozen) of cookies and 4 loafs of banana bread. I like to cook and rarely have the time, so when I do it, I do it. Well, at least we will have some homemade cookies in the house for a couple of weeks. I put them in freezer bags and them in the deep freezer.

I tried answering a post this morning, I don't really recall who's, and I was so tired, I was incoherant to myself (LOL), so I figured if I didn't know what I meant, no one else will either.

#414118 01/13/03 11:40 PM
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Thanks,
Good to know how you are doing, I was just checking in, I figure you are OK, but it's nice to know.

I am glad you are getting a little more from H, but I know good days come and go. Try to stay "up".

Does your mother know you stay up this late posting? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

SS

<small>[ January 13, 2003, 11:49 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

#414119 01/14/03 05:55 PM
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Hi SS,

I expect ups and downs. I really hope this change in behavior at home is an indication that things are over between him and OW.

I know I recently had a trigger, it angered me, I quickly got over it. My H has a friend K, he was married to Kr. K would cheat all the time on Kr. Kr was the devoted loving wife, kept a good home, made K's lunches all the time, did not expect K to help out around the house at all. Both worked full time, K worked 40 hrs a week at a good paying hourly job, Kr worked 40+ hours per week at a "career" labeled type job, salaried. Many times Kr would have work at the ball field while K was playing ball. Kr had an A of her own. (both wrong). My H, acted like it was okay for K to have multiple A's, but he was totally disgusted that Kr had an A. Kr left K for her OM. I'm not sure if my H is more upset that Kr left and hurt K, or if he is disgusted that she had an A. I told my H, both were wrong, and I told H, I don't understand why you are disgusted with Kr, but you act like K is a saint, when he was cheating for a long time, and C was not the first time. I found out all of this after Kr packed and left. It makes me mad that H acts like it is okay for guys, but not okay for women.

#414120 01/14/03 06:00 PM
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SS- one more thing, my mother knows everything I do. I don't tell her anything, she knows.

#414121 01/17/03 12:02 AM
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Today has been a day full of triggers. Mostly old triggers from the past.

Today I hate my situation, I wish it was June and I passed state boards.

#414122 01/17/03 02:35 PM
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Sorry about the triggers.

I know all of us have problems and bad days but I hate it when it happens, for me, or anyone else.

You never did say if you picked the smoking back up, I hope you were able to stay away from that.
Funny the things that come to mind when I post.

Keep working on things, and don't give up. I see the suggestions that you shouldn't stay in plan A more than 3 months. I can't see how you would want to end yours before school is out, even though it is hard and you are sick of things, it seems the best route to go for you.

I think back over your story and I don't have anything else to recommend right now. You have a goal, and need to make that goal. If you can make the M work at the same time, so much the better.

How are H's spending habits? Any change there?
One of the things you will need from him to be happy long term is POJA about how the money is spent. (that's the reason I bring it up.)

Is he still nicer to you and home more often?

Heres to a better day for you tomorrow.

SS

PS, Cerri gives great advice and is a lot smarter than I am ( more focused too.) You should listen closely to her, and take her up on the offer of coaching, you won't get any better help. That's your chance to make things better, take it!!

<small>[ January 17, 2003, 02:40 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

#414123 01/17/03 04:53 PM
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Hi SS,

Smoking, lets not talk about that. On and off I have been. I have a cigerette, feel guilty, go a couple days, and have another. Same cycle. I've even thrown almost full packs away. (When I was a full blown smoker, I never would have thrown away any cigerettes). I have noticed, that if I have a pack on me, I don't want them as much. So, I might just have to keep a pack around.

Cerri, sounds like she would be a great contact.

I do value your advice.

You are right, I have to finish school first. If I was to throw in confronting H and making telling him to choose, well, right now, it would just be one more thing for me to handle. So all I can do is Plan A. (being a doormat is hard for me to do, I've changed my technique on how I handle things).

Money, I control it (sort of). I pay the bills, he knows if there is not enough for bills, it is his that will not get paid. (He didn't believe me until I did it to him and he could not use his charge card). I also look over the statement carefully. I question everything, and if there is too many cash withdrawals, I let him know it too.

I think this has been going on for more than just a year when I first got snoopy. I suspected within our first year of marriage. I couldn't catch him. And, he was treating me pretty good, so I dismissed it as being overly suspicious because my trust level was on the low side, after all, he has a prior history of his being unfaithful to me with this person. He is getting sloppy now. A year ago, I got my hands on his cell phone bill. Didn't like what I saw. With the help of a coworker, and the net, did some searches on phone numbers, found where she works. With what I found out, it explained alot of trips downtown. He had no reason to be downtown. Now, he spends too much time in different area, she was transferred. The phone numbers now go with a different office, same financial institution.

H is home more, but I don't think it is over. I'm guessing they talk alot.

We were in our house about a year, when H was asked to go work in Detroit. I was all for it, partly because, I was hoping that his being a way would put distance between him and her, in case I was right. Well, it did not work.

She has a history of going after MM. Once she breaks up the M, she moves on.

I know the longer I wait to say anything, the longer they can continue. It give me the chance to Plan A, also gives the chance to have a good job for my kids. That matters alot to me, being able to support my kids. I hated it when I was always one paycheck away from welfare. I will not be in that position again.

#414124 01/19/03 02:46 PM
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Hey Sue,

Sorry I haven't really been catching up on your thread but well you know been having a couple of hard weeks. I did however read it today. Not all of it because I have to get some lunch ready for S.

From what I did read though I wanted to tell you, I think your doing the right thing about not confronting him till school is out. It would be another thing for you to handle. Your plate is too full as it is so wait till you get school done.

You and I both wish that it was June already. Actually I wish it was November and me done with my boards but then I have another year and a half for the RN.

I too find that I smoke less having a pack of smokes around. When I don't have it I keep wanting one and when I do I just say I'll smoke later and never get around to it. Well not never but... Although lately I've been smokeing 2-3 a day. I'm ok when I'm at school but when I get home it's a different story.

I know it's difficult for you to not confront husband but I just wanted to tell you that your doing good so far and you can keep doing it till June.

Also I just wanted to thank you for being there for me and giving me advice. You and a few others have gotten me through one of the hardest situations I've ever been in. I'm doing so much better now and if you read my thread you'll know why. I hope that one day you can feel the way I do and I know that with out you having all the answers to your questions you wont but when you do You'll feel like weight has been taken off your shoulders.

I'll pray for you to get through this as I did. Mel

#414125 01/20/03 07:23 AM
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Hi Mel,

Thanks

I did not come on over the weekend. Too busy. I checked h's cell phone, I see they are still in phone contact. Sometimes I wonder if the "unkown" call that are hang ups are her. We have had this phone number for almost 3-4 years. Hardly got any hang ups. Now we get about one a day. Some I'm sur are the computerized telemarketers. Those should stop soon. Telemarketers don't call on Sundays and yesterday was an obvious hang up.

Even though they are in phone contact, H is home more. This weekend, the only time he was gone was for about 30 min, when he went to the store. Now, he did not have enough time to meet with her. Call her, yes, meet no.

H went to the store and came back with PJ's for both of us. I know this sounds like "so what". My H thought this was a big deal, and kept asking if I was happy with them. Wanted to know if they were comfortable and soft. Also pointed out that they were the same style, except his was more masculine.

#414126 01/21/03 04:27 PM
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Hmmmm, the buying PJ's for the two of you is interesting.... You just never know what is going on in the mind of a WS. He could be wanting to end the EA, but doesn't know how. Sometimes they even realize how wrong the A is, and how much easier life would be w/o it, but they don't have the will power to just cut it off.

I have to say I am amazed at your strength Sue, I couldn't go so long with out saying something. Especially if her number is showing up on his cell phone.

#414127 01/21/03 07:35 PM
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Something else happened over the weekend. Maybe unrelated and maybe not.

Monday, my H had to come home early from work. No work to do. I had an appt. He wanted me to look at something before my appt, so we took seperate vehicles since that meant I had to go straight to my appt then to work. After we left the store, he calls me over to his car and asked me if this black mark was dirt. At first I gave it a quick glance and said yes, looked againg, saw a definite pattern, rubbed it, determined it was spray paint. We bought the car brand new last April. Now, he used his car Sunday during the day, he would have noticed it then. We park in the street in front of the house, (garage is at back of house and we cannot see it very well from the windows. Almost everyone on my side of the block park in front for the same reason). Now, my car was untouched, the other cars on the block were untouched. I called the two stores he visited, they did not receive any complaints of vandalism, one even offered to review there survellance tapes. I declined, It would be alot of work for her to do that. I called the police to see if any reports were filed, they responded to the negative. So, my conclusion is either my H's car was randomly targeted, it was there longer than he thought (not likely, he notices every little thing about the car), or do we have a mad OW?

The whole time we lived in this house, we have never had any incidences of vandalism, we frequent these two stores, never any incidence, my family and his family frequent these stores, they have never had any problems either.

Now for the good news. We got the car for 0% financing, so we took advantage of some of the extra's that are offered, such as "paint protection" Good thing we did. H took car to car wash, some of it came off, he took a rag and the rest buffed off.

#414128 01/21/03 07:44 PM
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What helps me to keep my control, is I keep telling myself to stay focused on my goal. Somedays it is really hard to do. The longer I do it, the easier it gets.

I have to, it is for the better good. I realize that if the A is not on the way out the door, I risk losing him because it is going on longer. I am willing to take that risk. Also, it give me more time to give him a reason to want to be home.

He has commented that I am nicer to live with lately. He says I still have my moments, but it is better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

There are times, he has commented on how he does not want to be a parent anymore. He says those things when the kids are not listening, fighting with us, or amongst themselves. I understand the feeling, pre children sure was alot less stressful. I don't go ballistic on him when he says it. I agree with him and remind him that this is all part of the parenting stuff. Take the good with the bad, and hope it gets better as they get older. (I also remind him we still have teen years to get through).

#414129 01/23/03 11:46 AM
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Hi Sue,
Is it getting warm there yet?

I continue to admire what you have learned. One of the reasons that I respect you so much is what you say in this next few sentences.

What helps me to keep my control, is I keep telling myself to stay focused on my goal. Somedays it is really hard to do. The longer I do it, the easier it gets.
Do you know that some people never realize that it gets easier if you keep doing it?

Also, it give me more time to give him a reason to want to be home. He has commented that I am nicer to live with lately. He says I still have my moments, but it is better.
We always wonder how we are doing, and if we are making progress in our improvements. Isn't it nice to have him say you are improving. I know that no matter how good we are, we can still improve. It makes me sad to see some come here and blame everything on the WS. I know that no one should seek someone outside the marriage, but almost always the BS need to make some kind of changes. I am so happy you are seeing how to make things better and doing something about you. It has to help things, even if much of the problem is his fault.

There are times, he has commented on how he does not want to be a parent anymore. He says those things when the kids are not listening, fighting with us, or amongst themselves. I understand the feeling, pre children sure was alot less stressful. I don't go ballistic on him when he says it. I agree with him and remind him that this is all part of the parenting stuff. Take the good with the bad, and hope it gets better as they get older. (I also remind him we still have teen years to get through).
I wonder if almost all of us think this at one point or another in our lives. Kids can be - well, they are kids. He may think he has an escape route if he wants it, but still I wonder just why he said it. I am happy that the two of you can have talks about these things, and I am glad you did not get angry. Far better to try and figure out why he said it and address what ever it is. ( Could just be his personality defects, but I think you can work on this one slowly over some months and find out some more. ) You have learned a lot here, I think you are much like me in that when you read posts and see ways to improve you, you make the changes and do the improving. ( I know, it's slow, isn't it)

Teenagers are difficult, but I hope by then both of you are working as a team and it is easier for you.

Keep up the good work and I'll see you around.

SS

<small>[ January 23, 2003, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

#414130 01/23/03 06:05 PM
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SS

Why does my H think what he does? Probably because all his life, he has been taught to avoid conflict. His mother does it, his brother does it, and H does it. H's mother kicked H out when he was 15 because she did not like his girlfriend and refused to quit seeing her. Her only reason why she did not want H to date this girl was because H's aunt did not like her.

So H moved in with his dad. Dad is an abusive alcoholic, who lived above one of the sleaziest bar that hookers frequented, in the worst part of town. Good place for a teenage boy. His mom is like that, if you do not do it "my" way, get out. She learned with me, it does not work. She tried once. I was living in her home with my kids (just the boys). I told her to stop undermining my authority as their mother, she told me to leave. So, then next day, I packed up mine and the kids stuff, called my sister, she helped me move our stuff and I was out of there.

(We were living there trying to save downpayment money for a house). At the time it did not make sense to get tied to a lease when we were looking for a house.

She did not see the kids for a year. Everytime I considered letting her see the kids, my H's cousin's wife, would tell me the latest nasiest thing they said about me. My thought on it was, as long as they are bad mouthing me, they will not see the kids. I will not have them bad mouth me to my kids. Right after I first left, H stayed behind, I told him to, since we didn't know were we were going, and I still had stuff there, so I asked him to pack it and bring it to storage for us. We (kids and I) went to go pick up H to go out to breakfast, his mom was out at the time. She came home just before we left, she told my oldest son to not listen to anything I had to say, I was lying to them and trying to fill his little head with "evil" stuff about grandma, and that I was "evil". I immediately removed the kids, told H, I will wait outside for him.

I have to remind myself that H did not have good example of conflict resolution within a family.

#414131 01/28/03 05:02 PM
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Hi Sue,
I haven't been around the board much except for GQ2. I don't know if you are on a lot or not.

I get along really well with MIL, I would hate to have one like yours was. How is it now with her? Better?

I just wanted to see how you are doing with school and see if you are still feeling good about things.

Any supprises with school starting? Or is it going about like you thought it would?

SS

<small>[ January 28, 2003, 05:04 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

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