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#414475 05/31/02 05:43 AM
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Hi deelam,
haven't heard from you for awhile and I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. I hope your silence doesn't mean anything bad.......
Please let me know how you are doing!
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Hey there BB, I haven't gone anywhere I have been staying busy with my D's. We have been having softball tournaments and still going.<p>Things just don't seem right. H and I dont communicate at all. His D's call him and receive no return calls. I think he is living with OW now because the friend he was staying with stated he hasn't been there for a few days.<p>what can i do? i am so lost. I want my marriage back but with changes. i love my H very much and continue to be cordial but I can't stop the emotional pain I am feeling. When i do see him at softball (that is when he shows up) I want to just go over and hug him. i want him to tell me everything will be ok.<p>The girls are not coping well with any of this. I have started to move on, i have been going out with my girlfriend at least one evening a week. But when I do I get a guilt trip from my D's. My oldest informed me that when I go out she feels she is being abandoned. It's not fair! He is moving on with his life and not looking back and I have to be placed on a guilt trip for going to the movies with a girlfriend???? Why?? When there father has taken up with another woman, its just not fair.<p>I want the pain to go away, I want to stop crying, I am now starting to feel anger towards him and was about to file for a D even though I don't want one. I need answers and he is not willing to talk with me..how can I get him to open up??<p>And how dare he discuss w/everyone that he is taking his family on a vacation in July when he doesn't even live with his family nor communicate with us. I think I may cancel my participation in the trip and let him take his D's unless the lines of communication open. My gut feeling is telling me he is setting things in motion for a D but doesnt have the heart to tell me.<p>I need help soon, before i do something wrong!

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blond blossom, WHERE ARE YOU?????

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Dear deelam,
I'm so sorry that I didn't answer right away. <p>Gosh, what you have written really makes me feel for you. It seemed to be working and now you are being thrown back again. I can feel the "hurt" you are going through. <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />
I think it would now be a good idea to go into the "in recovery" and get some experienced others to give advice. So many have went through the same situation. <p>My situation was quit different but I will try to help you. My H didn't move out and he stopped his A immediatly and we were able to work things out together, even though the beginning was hard since he was still "foggy".<p>The most important thing for you is to try to stay calm. I was so under shock myself that this wasn't much of a problem for me. Anger came much later for me.<p>Your H is in deep "FOG"! He isn't facing true life. It is surely not fair! As I have read this is also a chemical process. This is letting your H react far from how you know him. He is denieing reality. If you understand this and if you are able to stay calm, his affair might have the chance to die naturally.<p>Have you read all about Plan A? This is very helpful. Plan A is for you!!!! It's a matter of doing good things for yourself that will reflect on to others. I know this is extremly difficult.<p>What would happen if you stayed away from the softball activities for awhile??? Would this maybe get him thinking??? It is and has been a great part of his life, hasn't it?
Just stay abit distant so that you don't get hurt each time. I'd feel the same way as you do when I see him each time. It would knock me out each time.
I can understand that your daughters are having a hard time. Just make sure not to talk bad about your H. Don't make any bad comments about him. If you talk about your H then in a loving way or else not at all.
Children should never have to be judges in this situation.
I will try to explain: After I had found out about my H A, my children knew that something was wrong.
It was too obvious! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]
I was not able to talk to them about this, I just didn't know how to, so my H told them what had happened. He didn't tell deep details, he just explained so that they knew that we were having problems and that he had had an A. <p>My son accepted and became very understanding. He didn't talk alot and let us go our way. My H kept talking with our daughter. She was 17 at that time and we were having the normal mother/daughter problems.
Anyways, he would explain things to her that bothered him about me.(my H was still abit "foggy" at that time) My D would agree with him and this became a big problem. My D would then talk to me about what he said, telling me to stop doing this and that. <p>When I realized what was going on, I talked to my H, he blew up!!!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]
He got so mad at our D, how could she not keep these things secret??? He didn't understand at that time.Poor girl.....It took awhile till he understood that this wasn't the right thing to do. He should of talked to me and protect his daughter from his problems. She got very mixed up for quit awhile. <p>She wanted to stay "daddys little girl and talking partner". Things that disturbed my H at that time disturbed her too.
-keeping house clean
-asking where she was going, when she was coming home, who she was going out with
etc. She was feeling understood at that time and so was he, but this wasn't right because their situations were completely different. She wasn't coping with our problems and shouldn't of ever have to.<p>Sorry that this got so long, I think that you just must tell your daughters your feelings. That you feel sad, hurt and you need time for yourself as the situation is also very difficult for you. Tell them that you love your H. Don't tell them negetive things about him, no matter what. Tell them that when you go out, you need them to understand it is the same as when they go out with their friends.
Let them know that this is important for you and that you will always be there for them. You just need this time so that you don't always feel so sad. You need this time to get your batteries loaded up. <p>My oldest informed me that when I go out she feels she is being abandoned.
Talk to your daughter about her feelings, you will for sure find out many things. Let her explain her feelings. Think about EN's. It works with your kids too!!!!
Listening and being understood is what your daughter needs so much right now. Make the situation comfortable for her to talk. Stay calm and don't make any bad judgements about your H. Just listen very carefully why she feels this way.
You will for sure see a difference in her reaction when she feels understood, she will become more understanding too. <p>You will need alot of strength to go through this and I truely admire you for your strength. I know it is not fair to have to go through this alone, but be prowd of yourself!!!!!
You are doing this right. You are taking the responibilty, you are being honest!!!!<p>Your girls will definately be aware of this sometime, they will know they can count on you no matter what happens. If you cannot Plan A with your H, then Plan A with them!!!!
If you cannot fullfill your H EN's then do this with your girls. They will for sure notice the difference and they will learn from this too. <p>I hope you are understanding what I'm trying to explain. Concentrate on what you have right now, not on what you haven't. <p>Don't make any decisions at the moment, just concentrate on the important things that you need to have for your life and your daughters.
Stay CALM, CALM..........you will not achieve anything by pressuring.
Another thing, don't imagine what your H might be thinking. Since he is in deep fog, his thoughts will never make any sence, they are far from normallity!!!!!!!and far from being logical.<p>I want to give you a big cyber HUG!!!! Keep your head up and I'm thinking of you, deelam.
[img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>BB

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^^^^^^ûp

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Deelam,
how are you doing?? I'm worried about you!!!!
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My H and I had what I thought was a nice evening on Wednesday. He decided to spend the evening because he had plans with one of my D's the next day. We watched a family movie and then we all went to be.<p>I went to my room while my H watched the news and then he came to our room to retire for the evening. I was a little unsures about all that.<p>Then I decided to make a move. While lying next to him i leaned over and rested my head on his chest. I received no response, so I rolled back over and that is when he said, "Why did you move, you can stay there" I informed him I did not want to make him unfortable. <p>One thing led to another and the next thing I knew we made mad passionate, you guessed it sex!<p>It was beautiful. <p>The next day he called me three times while I was at work and he even offered to pick up our toddler at daycare. He was still at the house when I got home, then he left at 6:30 pm<p>Boy did that hit reality. I can't understand how you can go from having a romantic evening and then get up the next day and leave.<p>We had minimal contact on Friday. I am still trying not to contact him because I get so disappointed when he chooses not to answer his phone.I decided he could contact us. I think it may be working. He phoned Friday evening and spoke with my D and asked her how her first day at work was and then proceeded to ask if I was there. My D informed him I was out and was unsure when I would be home. <p>I know that bothered him a little because the next day he called me to inform me he would be late to softball practice and inquired what I did the night before. He questioned where I went and with whom. <p>He never did show up to softball practice and he never called again until 8:30 pm and inquiring what symptoms our D's had the weeks prior when they were ill. He stated he had been ill all day and was going back to bed.<p>Why would he call in the morning and not show up or at least call and say he was ill?? I wish I would stop wondering....<p>Some may say i was a fool to have any type of SF with my H the other evening, but too me it was well worth it. The way I looked at it is simple, maybe it will help him see how much I truly doo love him and want him to return, or if not, at least I remained faithful in fullfilling my SF. If it never happens again, I have the memory of one very romantic and passionate evening.

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Deelam, I agree with you 100%. I admire you for making the move and as a result AT LEAST having a great memory.<p>I would do it too but I am afraid in my case the odds are very much against me and worse yet anything negative would destroy whatever self esteem I built up during the previous month.<p>Plus I am not sure if I can handle steeper ups and downs of the rollercoaster at this moment.<p>But boy do I miss him.<p>My thoughts are with you.

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Dear deelam,<p>I had already answered you but somehow I cannot find it anymore, I guess something went wrong. Anyways I will write again.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Then I decided to make a move. While lying next to him i leaned over and rested my head on his chest. I received no response, so I rolled back over and that is when he said, "Why did you move, you can stay there" I informed him I did not
want to make him unfortable. <hr></blockquote><p>This sounds as if he is really missing something, your warmth and comfort. If he truely didn't have any feelings for you, he surely wouldn't have gotten himself into this situation. So you did for sure give him something pleasant to think about.<p>
I would just stay calm and try to give him reasons to want to be together with you. Not only sex.<p>It's good that it gets him thinking when you are out. It sounds good that he would like to know where and with whom.<p>Deelam, you sound so strong and loving. Keep your head up high. I'm sure this is gonna work.
STAY CALM!!!!!! Don't question him. Let him come to you.<p>hugs
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Hey BB,
I wish I was as strong as I sound. I am definitely not. Last night we had a discussion on the phone and it was not pleasant.<p>It no use anymore. I love him deeply, but the pain is winning. He informed me he is looking for a place too live because he can't stand being away from his D's. He stated he feel uncomfortable each time he is around me. He informed me the OW encourages him not to miss his D's softball game and practices.<p>He stated he has no feelings for me that we are great business partners and best friends, but that we were never able to be intimate and does not believe any person can learn that task or rebuild it. He stated it is something from within and I just lack it. I cried all evening. I don't want to hate him but the pain is causing me too.<p>It is probably best to just throw in the towel and remember my last evening with him. It is all I have left.....

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^^^^^^<p>Not sure what to expect anymore. My H tells me on Tuesday that he feels uncomfortable around me, yet makes plans to get together on Thursday evening. Thursday comes around and he stops at my office and informs me he does not feel well and is unsure about our get together.<p>We don't go out Thursday evening and then Friday comes around and I don't hear from him until 4:30 p.m. to tell me he has gone to the E.R. and is being treated there. They are unsure what is wrong but they haven't discharged him yet. I asked him if he wanted me to go there or if there was anything he needed, and he stated no, I will keep you posted.<p>I continue with my evening plans and go out with my girlfriend and receive another call from H at 7:48 p.m. stating they were discharging and were still unsure what was wrong until blood tests came back. He inquired why the kids were not home and why I was not home. I asked him if he needed a ride back from hospital and he stated he called his friend who had drove him there.<p>Why is he calling me regarding all this?? Yes, I do care very much and he is the father of my kids, however, he doesnt call any other time and he tells me I make him uncomftable. So why would he call me....<p>His actions continually blow me away, I know he probably expected me t remain at home and await his second phone call but I didn't and I am not going to anymore.<p>I was always expected to remain at home each evening while he frequently went to the bars with his friends, and I did! But I am not going to do it anymore. It is amazing since I have started to spend one evening out each week with a girlfriend how much fun I had been missing. (Girlfriend recently lost her husband 3 mos. ago to cancer, so with her situation and mine we try to keep each other sane and busy)<p>Once again My H makes me feel so used..He calls me only when he needs something and it hurts. I have written a plan B letter but have not given it to H because unfortunately the once and blue moon phone call I do receive gives me a small chance of hope even if it is only to discuss kids or business.

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Dear deelam,<p>I can feel how mixed up you are. <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> Your H sounds very mixed up to me. He seems to really be very insecure about his situation.<p>Have you asked him what he means when he says "You make him feel uncomfortable?"
This sounds like his bad conconcious and I truely don't believe it is really your person that makes him feel uncomfortable.<p>It is a good thing that you have found a friend to go out with, I would keep this up for sure. He can't expect you to stay at home and stop living. This really seems to bother him and really gets him thinking. If it didn't matter at all to him, I think he wouldn't even talk about this. He has no right at all to expect anything from you!!! <p>I think your H sounds very "FOGGY"! <p>deelam, I still wouldn't give up!!!! Stay patient and don't LB!!!
hugs
BB<p>[ June 19, 2002: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</p>

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deelam???????????????
[img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>where r u??????????<p>BB

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^^^^<p>I am still hear. I post and it takes people a while to respond. I forget people have lives too.<p>Well H and I went to dinner Wed. evening, it was nice. He wanted to apologize for his friend telling me the OW was out of town for two weeks and that was probably why H continued to call me when he was ill.<p>He informed me right now he can't work on our M, he won't read any books and he won't see a counselor, however, he doesnt want to rush into a D because it is a big step and he doesnt want to make a mistake in our life.<p>Anyway, he stopped by last night unannounced to say hello and then left. He then called me a 1/2 later and asked if I wanted to have S** with no strings attached. I dont know ifI made a mistake by saying yes or not. He returned around 11:30 pm once the kids were sleeping and we had a great time, but then he got out of bed at 12:30 and left to go back too were he is staying so the girls would not see him in the morning.<p>Did he only call me because the OW is out of town?? I don't know. I do know he is in contact with 3 OW total. Not sure the connection. He informed me that the main OW stresses the need for him to see his girls and me because we have 15 yrs together. Should I believe him????<p>Im trying to hold on, but it is getting harder. I dont want to meet any other man and move on, I want my H but not sure how long I can hold on.....

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Hi deelam,
sorry for always taking awhile until answering. I just want to give you a good answer and you always get me thinking. Your situation is very different from mine and I wish that others would also give you advice.<p>Anyways, I was talking about this with my H. I asked him for his point of view since he is the WS.
While he was having his affair, he too had not only sex with OW but also with me (not much but still was).<p>I asked him what was going through his mind at the time, what it meant to him and what feeling he had.
He told me this: It is difficult to explain but I will try.
I was afraid to loose OW and I didn't want to loose my wife. It had alot to do with sex, not all that much feeling. In a way I think I was compairing the two woman with another. I felt that the sex was more exciting with OW at that time. If my wife would of became more active and would of shown me more admiration and passion at that time, it really would of gotten me thinking. But since our sex life wasn't all that great at that time it was giving me a reason to see OW.
OW was fullfilling EN's that my wife wasn't. My wife was fullfilling EN'S that OW didn't, this way I didn't want to give up either. If I would of left my wife, I was afraid to loose what OW wasn't giving me and if I would of gave up OW at that time I would of missed the sex and the feeling of admiration and the feeling of being understood completely.
When my wife found out about my affair, I knew that I didn't want to loose my wife. I was just mxed up and I guess I was very "foggy".
Now after such a long time, I can say that the reason for my affair was sexual. <p>Deelam, I hope this will help you abit to decide what you can do in the future.
I really don't know what I would do. The fact that there are so many woman involved would really freak me out.
Is he having sex with all of them??? Think about STD'S!!!!!!!!
I think you really must do something, I don't think I would be able to cope with all of this.
He really seems like he's picking the best out of all things and doesn't want to take over any responsibilty.
Do the OW know about each other????<p>Maybe it is a good time for PLAN B!!! Let me know how you are doing. I'm feeling for you and you are not alone. Think about that. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>hugs
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