Sue and Mike -- Thanks for your advice! You are right Mike, I guess I have been full of anger... I want to forgive "her", I just NEED her to admit her part in it, and stop trying to play the victim!<p>Her H loves her VERY much! But I know love is blind, because he won't even mention MC to her out of fear of upsetting her -- NOBODY can upset her... family rule. If they went to MC, then she would have to admit out loud that she has made poor choices in her life. <p>I don't think she loves her H very much... she has always treated him bad (unless being nice makes her look good in front of others), but she won't ever admit to her wrong-doing! Like I mentioned before... everything she does wrong is someone elses fault. I don't see "her" and I ever being close again, but I have to forgive her in order to move ahead. I just wish she cared enough about me to tell the truth (that's what REALLY hurts <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> )<p>
I am very hopeful that my family will come around. (it seems like they are one by one). I know I/we have to be patient, and believe me, we are trying, I just want this all to be over! (and then I woke up...) <p>I have received sooooo much good advice here, and hope you will continue to help me -- Every time I feel like I am going to lose it, I come here and somebody (usually you Sue...) makes me feel better.<p>I will try to let go of my anger. I can't make her come clean, But I can try to make my M better than ever -- (going to get a little bitter here...) That will show her that she CAN'T break me!!!<p>Mike -- What would I write in a letter to her? Can I explain to her that I feel bad for her, and hope she seeks C? Can I tell her that telling the truth is what it would take for total forgiveness? I don't know what to do! I want her to know that I don't hate her (although I am extreamly pissed...) but I can't forgive her without the truth!<p>PLEASE ADVISE!<p>MCNYH [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi MC,<p>I try to check in daily to see if you posted. I recall the first time my H had an A (we didn't resolve those issues, so that is probably why I am here now). I was devasted. No one understood. I was told to forget the loser, don't let him see the kids until he files for visitation, take him for all I could. (we weren't married then, would have been difficult even if I wanted to). All I could think about was the pain I was going through. The pain my son was going through. Why? Why? Why?. I didn't have anyone to talk to. No one wanted to talk to me about it. Many times I asked what made her so special that he walked out on me and the kids. So, I understand the need to vent. I understand that you need to know someone cares enough to listen (read in our cases) and understand what you are feeling. It is tough. When I made the discovery again, it hurt worse than the last time, but I recovered quicker. I also found MB. The last time if MB was around, I didn't know about it. <p>It sounds to me like you and your H are doing all the right things to move forward. <p>Mike had some really good advice. I hope he can advise you on writing a letter to your sister. That as very good. <p>Take care

Sue -- I spent all day yesterday sick in bed... or in the bathroom getting sick! Not the best day. But my H took care of me. I think my body had enough of painting in the heat! We found a great house -- Close to both my H's family and my family... although I still need a buyer for my house... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I hope Mike does give me advice on a letter for "her", I would like to end all this sh*t!!! I am tired of being angry! I want my life back! I don't know how ALL the other people in this situation can move on!<p>Please cross your fingers that we get a buyer SOON! I REALLY want to move away from here -- way too many memories that I want to forget -- (One of the times she gave my H oral sex was in my family room!!!) I just want the images to go away! I want to start over fresh! I want to forget!!! ( I know I never will... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>I hope everything is going good for you today -- I am realizing that there are others out there that are dealing with much worse than I am -- I never would have thought that was possible!!! I actually feel a little guilty complaining about my life when others are dealing with more than me! I hope your H realizes what a great person you are -- I know it took my H's A to show him how much he loves me! (dumb [censored]... he should have known it all along!!!) [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks for everything!<p>-MCNYH

Hi MC
Don't belittle the effect the A had on you. There are those who WS will not admit or end the A. You are ahead of the rest of us in the recovery process. <p>This is still new for you, you are doing fine. I'm glad you found a new home and I hope your sells soon.<p>How do you move on, you just do. You try to learn from what happened. Not that I would wish this on anyone, it is a wake up call that all M are at risk. Even if my M does not work, I have learned from this experience, and I hope I can teach it to my kids so when they grow up and have R of their own, that they don't have to suffer the effect of an A (not counting what they experieince as children with their parents going through it). A friend told me that she could not do what I am doing. That I am stronger than her to go through this. At first I thought, no, I'm am not stronger. I'm putting off the pain of divorce. But, when I really thougth about it, it would be much easier to walk away and say "forget it" he's not worth it. I decided what is important to me and I'm working on it. I will never forget the pain of the A. I hope to become a better person because of it.<p>Dr. Harley is on his Wife's radio show on Mon & Thurs. at 1pm central. AM 980 (I think). Do you get that station in your area. I've tuned in a few times. There is some info on this web site if you want to check it out

Sue -- I just feel like I am completely drained! Emotionally, phisically, mentally... I wonder if my getting sick yesterday was my body's way of saying "enough is enough"! We are dealing with soooooo much. The A, fixing the house, trying to buy a new house, etc. I am so tired!!! I have lost 16 pounds in the last 5 weeks!!! (some of it is because of my thyroid problems...) I just wonder how much more I can take!<p>My H is also exausted... and seems a little depressed... I know he feels like sh*t about the A, he keeps telling me so. I just want our lives to go back to normal!!! Will it ever happen??? I want to move and get past all this! I feel bad, because now is not the best time for us to move($$$), but I can NOT stay here!!! My H agrees with me about moving, but I know he is under a lot of stress because of it! My H goes for knee surgery next Tuesday, and then he starts his chemo... all this while trying to move!!!<p>Why did they do this to me???? Why am I the one left to pick up the pieces??? Why can't this all be a really bad dream??? Why can't "she" be woman enough to come clean??? why, why, why???? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I get scared when my H leaves the house... I know he is not doing anything wrong, but I still get scared... especially with all the stress we are under... Stress was what started his A in the first place!!! am I wrong to want to move and start over??? Should I just suck it up, and deal with living here??? (please say "no"!!!) <p>Sorry for the vent... I just want to feel normal again... <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <p>-MCNYH

Hi MC,
You don't have to apolgize for venting. Finding out your H was unfaithful creates a lot of emotions. <p>I cannot tell you where you should live. You and your H need to make that decision based upon what is in the best interest of everyone. <p>If you decide to go ahead an move, just make sure you make logical decisions regarding purchasing an selling your home. You don't need to make any decisions that are going to add to the stress you are already going through. <p>If we all had the answers to your questions none of us would be here. <p>The being scared everytime your H leaves is normal. As your marriage gets better, you will be less nervous about it, and more trusting. <p>What are you doing for yourself to make yourself feel better? Do you have any hobbies that you enjoy that can distract you from the situation. Your mind needs a break. <p>Too much stress is bad for the body. The body has a way of making you give in and take a break. <p>If you and your H need to, maybe you both should stop, take a deep breath, and look at the whole picture, don't let emotions rule your decisions. Do what it best for the family.<p>Take care

Sue -- more positive news... My brother-in-law called and spoke with my H (not "her" H, but my good sisters H)!!! This is the first time they have spoken since D-day!!! He let my H know that he does NOT agree with what he did, but he is on his side... since my "sister" is a psycho and all... I am sooooooo excited!!! Maybe this is a sign that others will follow!!! (I hope!)<p>I just had to share that with you!!!<p>I still wish that "she" would get over herself and her pathetic "claim"!!! But, at least my family seems to be dealing with this! I feel better already!<p>Thanks
MCNYH [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi MC<p>That is really good to hear. Things take time to turn around. <p>Did you post right after you found out? If so, it has been couple of weeks that you have been out here. Things take time to resolve. Some things resolve quicker than others <p>I know, when something shatters your world, and shakes up your security, you want it to go back to the way it was. Things will never be the same, but with work, they can be better. <p>Try to stay positive, don't let the negative consume you. Are you and your H still in counseling<p>Take care

Sue -- My D-day was May 21, 2002. 3 days before our 5th anniversary!!! So yes, it has only been a few weeks!!! (feels like YEARS!!!) My H started therapy May 24th, and I started going with him the next week. We are still going. It seems like forever!!! <p>I know I have to be patient. I guess I am learning how. I have always been the kind of person that wants things done NOW! I have to learn that things take time.<p>I know my family has a lot to deal with... I just hope that they can... I have let them know how I feel, and the rest is up to them.<p>I know that trying to fix my M is the right thing to do. I know that my family thinks I rushed my decision, by I know in my heart that I made the right choice. I COULD survive without him, but I don't want to!!! I want my family back!<p>I hope you had a good day!<p>All my best!
MCNYH

Sue -- I am feeling better today. I think a lot of it had to do with the phone call yesterday! I know I won't get an instant fix to any of this, but at least I feel like things are going the right way!<p>I owe a lot to you... I think others here were uncomfortable with my situation (OW being my "sister" and all...), but you have been here for me since the beginning. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] I am so glad I got on line, and found this web site! It had given me a great place to vent, and receive advice! I really think coming here has helped me handle this -- It's comforting (but sad), to know I am not alone in my feelings!<p>I think everyone who considers M should come here and read the posts!!! AND read the books!!! Maybe then others wouldn't go through this pain!<p>Thank you for everything!<p>-MCNYH

Hi MC,
I'm fine. Last couple of days been very busy. Studying for a Mircrobiology test [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] . I think I passed it.<p>I'm glad this website has been helpful. I'm glad I could be of some help. <p>As far as you making the decision to make your M work, that was not an easy decsion to make. It is the toughest decision to make, and just as tough if not tougher to stick with it. The thing is about that, you knew it was the right decicion for yourself. <p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I think everyone who considers M should come here and read the posts!!! AND read the books!!! Maybe then others wouldn't go through this pain! <hr></blockquote><p>Since I have found MB, I have thougth the same thing. <p>You sound calmer today. Things must be getting better. After awhile, things settle down. You can run around on high emotions for so long, and it wears you out. (Getting sick).<p>Take care and keep us posted.

Sue -- Every time things feel calm for me, somebody throws a wrence into it. Today My Brother-in-law (good sisters' H) calls me all stressed out because he and my sister are fighting (about my situation)!!! I hate that my entire family is being put in this position!!! I feel like I am somehow selfish for putting my M first!!! I love my family, and I feel terrible that they all have to deal with this!!! I just want to wake up and have this all be a really bad dream!!! <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <p>I am learning patience... OK, I am TRYING to learn patience... I just don't know how much more I can take!!!<p>-mcnyh

If your sister has had multiple affairs, she probably qualifies as a sexaholic. It can have a wide variety of indicators. And your h having chosen to engage in his own inappropriate behavior may qualify, as well. <p>It might be good for you to consider seeing if SAnon has a family group in your area. It is a 12 step program much like AlAnon. For people who have family members who engage in destructive or inappropriate sexual behavior. I went for a while to deal with my x's behavior which, naturally, he claimed no responsibility for. <p>The group for the sexaholics is called SA.<p>Perhaps your counselor could help you find a group in your area. If not, post request here and, if I see it, I will try to find telephone number for you.

Hi MC,
When I thought I could not take it anymore, I yelled and screamed at my windshield (I was in my car). I yelled at God, yes, God. I asked many question, like Why? Why me, Why do I have to suffer like this. I asked for my life to end (I couldn't stand the pain. (before you get alarmed, I would not take my own life. I wanted the pain to be gone) I was screaming and crying in misery. Afterwards, I felt better, wore out, but better. Then I was able to go on.<p>[QUOTE] Today My Brother-in-law (good sisters' H) calls me all stressed out because he and my sister are fighting (about my situation)!!! /QUOTE]

Maybe they need to agree to disagree. Have you talked to your sister, explained to her how you need the support of you family in this time. Even if she does not agree with your decision, you could ask her to respect your decision to try to make you M work. Explain to her that to try to make it work during a situaion like this was the hardest decision that you had to make and walking would have been easier. You took your vows seriosly and you have to know you tried everything before you can walk away. Let her know that this decision not only effects you but the kids. Kids are better with both parents than with one parent (as long as the relationship between the parents is good, which is what you are your H are trying to accomplish).<p>You could be honest with her and tell her that you don't like it that they are fighting about your situation. You understand how she cares for you, and you appreciate it. This A, affected your M, and you want to try to repair it. It would be easier if you had the support of your family, even if they didn't agree with you decision.<p>You are doing really good. You have alot you have to get through. Stay strong, stay tough and you will make it. If you have to relieve some stress, go for a walk, if you have a punching bag, punch it, anything to releive the stress. A good screaming cry helps me. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] (I have since apologized to god for my anger. I knew it was not his fault)<p>[ June 26, 2002: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</p>

I really need to proof my replies before I hit send. I have tons of spelling errors

Cinderella -- How does one know if he/she is a sexaholic? What are the signs??? I asked my H if he thought he was, and he said "I don't know, what is a sexaholic?", and I had no answer for that. I think anything is possible at this point, but I don't know. My H was obsessed with pornography, but the only A he has had was this one. There were no emotions involved... does that qualify?<p>I would appreciate any information you could give me.<p>
Sue -- I am tired of crying... I want happiness!!! My good sister is trying to be suportive, but she sees me as her "baby" sister, who got hurt! I guess that only time will heal all these wounds!<p>On the plus side, we have someone coming over tomorrow to see our house... cross your fingers, I want OUT!!!<p>Thanks!
-mcnyh

Hi MC,
I forgot you are the "baby". I'm the third oldest of 8, so yes, I get very overprotective of my youngest sister to the point of being OVERBEARING, okay I'll be truthful, all my sisters say I'm OVERBEARING, BOSSY, and lets not forget OVEROPINIONATED. to the point where they don't listen to me. So I can see where your sister is coming from. Have you sat down with here and had a heart to heart? Let you now you appreceiate her concern and you understand that she loves you and does not want to see you get hurt again. You could explain how it hurts you that you family if fighting over this situation. Explain that it is important to you to try and repair your M. And yes, time will heal all wounds. <p>Sexaholics are sort of like alcoholics except their obsession is sex. I don't know much more about it. You could ask your counselor. Your sister may be a sexaholic, and some will say your H is too because of the porn thing. There are those who will say different. Maybe Cinderella will come back and answer. I don't know much about this area. (I dated an alcoholic once, living with the A is easier than dealing with this ex bf alcoholism.) So the steps are the same concept from one addiction to another.<p>Keep hanging in their, and keep working on your M. Everything else will fall into place. Good luck on the house.

Sue -- I told my good sister about this web site... For two reasons. One, so that she can see what I wrote, and what others have advised. And two, so she can make her M even better. I don't know if she will check it out or not, but I thought that maybe it would help her to understand my feelings better. She is 10 years older than me, and kinda like my extra mom... (we have always been very close)<p>I know my H has not watched pornos in over a year. When I found out about it, we discussed it, and he explained why. (that's how he was taught about sex from a father-figure) He never knew about love and sex together until he met me, and he was confused. He also never had his father around, so he never learned how to handle conflict in a relationship (my parents have been married for 48 years). None of this is an excuse for what he participated in, but it does explain a lot about his past behavior. His C is helping him to understand and work past it. (I am hopeful) <p>I still hate this whole "patience" thing... I am trying, but I hate it! I wish it would all go away, and my life was back to normal (or as close to normal as any of us get!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>The people are coming to look at the house around 1:00... please keep your fingers crossed!!! I think I will do much better not living so close to "her"!!!<p>The toughest thing right now is still the fact that no one can confront her!!! I know that a person won't admit they have a problem until they are ready, but COME ON!!! My life (and my families') hangs in the balance, and only "she" gets to decide when I can fully recover! She won't ever admit to her part if she thinks it will help me!!! I think "she" is only happy when I am a mess!<p>I feel like crap again today... my H thinks it's my nerves... I don't know... Will I ever feel OK again??? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks for reading!
-mcnyh

Sue -- Well, a woman showed up to see the house. She was only here about 10 minutes, so I don't know. I am keeping my fingers crossed.<p>My H and I are both soooo exausted from working on the house... I wonder if that is why my stomach is upset... Not that there aren't many other factors it could be. I feel like selling this house will enable me to let go of some of the bad memories, and allow us to make some new ones. It is kind of sad, because this was our first house, and both are children were born while we lived here... And I live in a beautiful rural neighborhood, lots of birds, lots of trees... oh well, We can make better memories in the next house, right?<p>I hope you are doing well today... Any more tests?<p>-mcnyh

You're very brave. A home has so much in it. My wife conducted part of her A in my house. It makes me sick; our first house. We might have to sell it too.