I found the MB site only a few days after discovery of my H's A in my quest for info and sanity, and have found it to be unbelievably helpful in pointing out 1.) that I am (unfortunately)so not alone 2.) there is hope and 3.) my husband's fantasy bubble will most likely pop.

We've been M for 8 yrs (together 10) and I have two teenaged StepDs. My WH's 1st M ended when his W had A (kids were then ages 3 & 5) and left to M OM. H was SO devastated. I felt confident that he would NEVER betray me that way.
Actually, before I became a BS, my H was the only person I knew well who had been through an A. He had shared every detail w/me years ago.

Fast forward to 9/18/02 when I accidentaly discovered a deleted email from the OW (a business contact)describing her love for my H while pointing out "highlights" from a night they had spent together. He had responded in a similar tone. The words are burned in to my brain. Though in SHOCK, I confronted him 5 minutes later with the email. He admitted it had been EA for several months/PA for 1 month. They had "feelings" for each other. She is also M w/2 small children.

I've since been on the rollercoaster most of you describe. My H's behavior is much more like my emotion driven 15yr old SD than a mature adult male. After several failed attempts(and new DDays), he has had N/C since 10/28. We are in MC, and he will soon (next week) get new treatment for depression. He is mopey, expresses hopelessness and can't visualize how our marriage could possibly work out. He loves me but doesn't feel "attracted" to me any more.

This has already been such a wake up call for me and a reason to really work on myself. I can see how I contributed to the problems in our M and have been working on my issues.

Here is my question:

Our MC is puzzled at how my WH could have had A after he had been so devastated as a BS (12 years ago). Is this something any of you have experience with? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Thanks!
2Success

Hi 2,

Welcome, and sorry you had to come here. I know there are others out there who have been the BS, and end up being the WS.

It is not about thinking rationally. I can sort or relate, except, I kept my head on.

My H, I think, (not confirmed and will not confirm for a little while - have my reasons), is in an A. I think this has been going on for a while. I have a friend who is male. I have known him for about 20 years or so. (we met in at work when be both were in HS). About 3 years ago, ran into him at work. He now works where I do. We have had the occasional lunch in the company cafeteria, (not too often, in the last 3 years probably about 6 times). My H fills very few of my needs. He has no interest in telling me he loves me, is very seldom affectionate unless he wants SF, I think you can figure out the rest. Now, I am lonely, and unhappy, try to talk to H, no success. I start having fantasys about having an A. The OM is faceless and nameless at this point. I think to myself, I could get a way with it, I deserve some happiness, no one needs to know. I won't leave H, I dont' want to hurt the kids. Anyway, now, friend from past shows up. (We never had any sort of R in the past). We have a few lunches, he is nice to me. Now the nameless man in my fantasy has a name. Still fantasy, now I am wondering, should I persue this. I am unhappy, I have been suspecting H of an A for a couple of years by now. I ask myself, I wonder if he woudl be interested. I start thinking about getting a Divorce (My A is still a fantasy, fantasy OM does not even know), so I am available. Scares the H*** out of myself. I realize I love H and want M to work. (thank god I did not try to persue other avenue). I know the pain of an A. I have been the BS twice now. Fantasy OM does not know, I know avoid him. I don't think he neeeds to know. Why make him feel uncomfortable. Right now, I am weak and vulnerable, and was looking for a small slice of happiness. Until I get my M straigtened out and I am less vulnerable, it is best that I keep my distance from friend.

I may not have crossed the line, but I thought about it. I would wonder how can I do this, so he does not find out. I don't want to hurt anyone. Does this help at all. It is not about how it hurt them when it happened to them. They don't even think about that stuff. I know I sure didnt'. All I could think of, was why did I marry him, I was having regrets that he was not the man I thought he was, and wanted to find that man. At the same time I did not want to break up my M and hurt him or the kids. Mostly the kids.

I'm sure not a professional, but I'd like to offer a possible reason or two why he was able to betray...after being betrayed in the past.

1. He kept just enough of himself to himself so that he never made that full commitment to you and your marriage as a way of avoiding the pain and suffering that he went through in his first marriage. The fear that betrayal brings to the
BS can definitely bleed over into a new relationship.

AND/OR

2. He was suffering from depression BEFORE the affair started. Could be work related, just life and worry about all the "what ifs", just plain ole depression with no cause that can be pointed out. When depressed, you can't see any hope, you are often incapable of seeking out help, you jump on any small thing that might make you feel just a little bit better (an ego boost), you look outward instead of inward to feel better.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you posted.....""My H's behavior is much more like my emotion driven 15yr old SD than a mature adult male.""

An affair partner does seem to behave just like a teenager...never had even thought of that before...Thanks.

Thanks for the input. Our counselor also suggested my H had probably been depressed for quite some time and, though he was on antidepressants, they were no longer working. The fact that he had an A after being a BS has added feelings of guilt and shame to his depression. This may have made him even more vulnerable, I guess.

My WH has agreed to go to IC and MC as well as change his meds. He (at least for now) has had N/C w/OW for 3 weeks. So, he appears to be doing all the right things. The frustrating part is that he continually tells me he is not optimistic and doesn't see how we can get our feelings back for one another. I do believe that the A is not the cause (but a nasty symptom) of our M problems but he does not seem to be committed to the time it will take to really work on our M. He informed me today that he was only going to work on our R until the end of the year and, if he didn't feel differently, that would be it for him. hmmm can't wait till New Year's... Who is this person?!!

I know I have to be patient and have been educating myself as much as possible. Can anyone recommend a book for me to give my WH to help him figure out how to make a descision, have hope, and be able to commit to rebuilding our marriage? SA is probably not the best bet to get his attention.

Thanks!
2Success

Your H sounds as if the depression is doing the talking. My H was also on anti-d meds during his affair, he'd been taking them for years (childhood issues and chemical unbalance), but he, me and his doctor fell down and didn't monitor them close enough to realize that they were no longer working for him. After that affair was discovered, he got back in counseling, started new meds...and they made a world of difference...but not in a few days. Took a few weeks for them to get the right drugs and the right combination and the right dosage, but after about six weeks he began seeing some light. It wasn't much, but as he told me, he didn't feel as if he was holding on by his fingertips anymore, he was still on the ledge, but standing on his feet. After about six months there was a massive improvement.

Encourage him to get the new meds and give them a chance to make a difference.

One of the hardest things I had to do what attempt to put the affair business on the back burner until my H was emotionally strong enough to deal with me being the BS. I was NOT always successful, it did draw out the healing process...but it was necessary. You may find yourself in a similar position. I told my H that I would try to not discuss the issue of the betrayal, but that by not doing so right now, meant that at a later date he would have to deal with all of it. But, I was willing to wait.

So, if nothing else...know that you're not alone in dealing with not only a betrayal, but with a spouse who must deal with their own depression before they can deal with the effect the depression had on contributing to the affair.

Good Luck!

<small>[ November 18, 2002, 02:36 AM: Message edited by: just a wifey 2002 ]</small>

just a wifey-

How do you not discuss the A? This is the problem I am having right now. My WH does not want to talk about it and would rather just get on with rebuilding. Although he has given me a lot of details about the affair, he doesn't want to discuss it with me now. Any time I bring it up it becomes a major LB. Yesterday, when I was upset about him wanting to spend time with his friends after work, the subject came up about trust and his A - needless to say he shut down and acted like I have him in some type of prison. He even started to talk about D. I have made an appointment with a C for myself, so at least I will have someone to talk to about everything. Up until this point H has been the only one who I have been talking to. I hope this helps.

Pat

M 18yrs.
3 children 16, 12, 9
DDay 8/29/02