This website has been like a lifesaver to me. last night I was contemplating suicide and after thoroughly reading through the website, i feel a spark of...something. I don't think I would call it hope, but it is something like it.
I have suspected my husband of having an affair for 4 months, as he has not been acting like himself at all. I felt like I was living with a stranger...
I feel so confused.
We had what people called the "ideal marriage". 12 years, 2 boys... My friends were actually jealous of the relationship I had with my spouse, said they wished he would "give lessons" so their husbands could be more like him. He was devoted, warm, loving. We had a great life.
4 months ago he stopped showing me affection. he became distant, starting going out at night, hanging out with new "friends" that I didn't know. I have never been a jealous person, never even remotely suspected he would cheat. never never never. But I became suspicious. there were signs I couldn't ignore.
About a week ago, he flipped again, back to his "old self". I could tell that whatever phase he was going through was gone and I could tell he was anxious to resume the intimacy we once shared, but I was of course hurt after being treated so badly for four months and still acted distant toward him.
Then yesterday SHE called me.
They started out as just friends and it progressed to more. Apparently, he couldn't handle the guilt any longer and was afraid of losing me, so he broke it off with her and she wanted to exact some revenge. So she decided to call me and tell me the ugly truth.
It's like a nightmare.
He has admitted the truth of the A. He said it was breif, unsatisfying, and he wishes he had never met her. He says he doesn't even know why he did it. He has cried, pleaded and begged for me to forgive him. He says it will never happen again. I wanted him to leave, but he told me that he "will not live" without me. He hates her, never wants to see her again. I have no fear he will go through any kind of withdrawal from her, it is apparent to me that he "loves" me and is genuinely sorry. I realize after reading so many people's stories about WH's who are in love with the OW that I should consider myself "lucky", but I don't at all.
Not at all.
I went through a period of rage last night and cried until I thought my eyes would fall out. He just keeps repeating how sorry he is and pleading with me. Over and over, he says "We can have it all back if you will give me the chance."
Only I don't know if we can.
Today I am numb. I don't know how to act. I feel like the inside of me is one giant ice block and I don't know if I can ever let him back in. I know I will never ever trust him, and I can't see myself believing anything he says ever again. I am questioning the very fact that he says he loves me, because if he loves me, why would he do this? He doesn't even have the "excuse" of loving HER!
I always thought we loved each other more than anything. He swears that is true. I don't know any more. I hurt. I hurt. I hurt.
Someone please help me. I am thinking of having my own A to get even. I want him to hurt like I am hurting. I cannot imagine ever letting him touch me sexually again. Will this pass? Will I ever feel normal again?

I am so sorry you are here. Its not long ago I was in your shoes. Your pain and anguish are normal, get the right help and with a lot of hard work it will slowly disperse.

OW seems to have unwittingly told you something to hold onto for hope in her spite, and that is that your husband did not want to lose you and he broke it off.... That's a great starting point.

Please lay your desires away to have a payback affair. You're angry that's normal, but please don't widen the circle of deceit anymore it can only do more harm.

If you are both commited to rebuilding your marriage, it can and will work. Its one rocky road, but there are great rewards travelling its path. Get some help ASAP, in the form of a good marriage councellor, read, educate yourself. There are some great articles on this site.

I am thinking of you and your husband and wishing you well. I know you hurt. Please do take care of yourself and know you are not alone through this.

Kaat,
I'm sorry you're feeling the pain you are and when I say I know what your feeling believe me I do. I too found out my H was involved in a long term affair and he told me about it when he decided he had to live a different and honest life. But unfortunatly wanting and doing aren't always the same thing. "For every step forward we take there is always one back" A very smart person on this board told me that. I felt like you, numb and also rather discusted by the whole thing. It's not easy but read this site and learn about Plan A and give it a try, your H sounds truly remorseful so take that as a blessing and give your M a try. Please don't have your own A out of revenge. Revenge is a bitter pill and you want to feel good about you. I'll keep checking for your posts and hope things will be looking up a bit for you soon.

Used

kaat....sorry you find yourself in need of this site, but it's a great one in times of trouble. READ! There is a lot of information on site which can benefit you and your marriage.

What you are feeling right now is completely normal. We all felt it, too.

Yes, your H can reclaim the trust he abused. Not easily nor quickly, but by being honest and opening his heretofore private life up to allow you a feeling of control in this out-of-control time. IF...you can get it through his head...it's hard....to be completely honest about everything. WS who truly wish to recover their marriages tend to feel they need to "protect" the BS from further pain by downplaying or plain old lying about what happened...the sooner he learns that truth is the strongest weapon he has to use to rebuild his marriage the better. Until you FEEL that you are receiving honesty in your marriage, you will not take one positive step on your healing path. Be sure that your H is aware of this.

BUT...you must be willing to hear some painful truths without hitting the ceiling. If not, your H will be less likely to be truthful the next time. It's not easy to hear some of it, but it needs hearing.

Be sure that you are as calm as possible, if needed, take breaks to get your emotions under control.

It's weird, but the spouse who betrays and then wants to rebuild their marriages after doing so...are the ones who do love their spouses. They loved them before the betrayal, they love them during the betrayal...and they still love them. I know how hard that is to accept...but the WS who doesn't love their spouse...leaves.

There is nothing harder for the WS then facing a BS each morning. Looking into the painfilled eyes, seeing the despair, the lost trust, the sorrow deep in our souls. They must deal with a spouse who no longer trusts them to tell what time it is. They must deal with the questioning of the love that they feel. They must walk on egg shells trying to not set off the BS into a crying or raging mode.

Not that this is a cake walk for the BS, it's HARD to recapture your feelings of love and trust. It's hard looking at your spouse and wondering who the h&ll they are.

We all ask the "Why?" question and even when the WS is doing their very best to answer it, they still fall short. We see so many other options they may have choosen, yet ignored.

You're H ended the affair on his own...this is a plus. His xOW called you for no reason but to make his life a h&ll at home (which she accomplished), create pain and sorrow for you (which she also accomplished). BUT...she also accomplished showing you both exactly what type of person she is...one that your H will know is revengful, mean spirited, hateful, and cruel.

Not knowing what you want to do right now...is fine!!!!! You do NOT have to make a decision right now...in fact...it's a good idea NOT to make any life-changing decisions when your emotions are in turmoil...too often we make the wrong decision if we don't wait to get our emotions under control and you need some time to think clearly.

Sorry to add, but your H and you both need to see your family doctor and be tested to make sure that there is no STD worry. You need to make sure that your general physical wellness is up to par as you'll be under massive stress. You and your doctor should discuss anti-depressions meds at least for the short-term.

Find a GOOD counselor which you and your H are both comfortable with. Be open and honest. As in all marriages, I am sure that there are other marital issues which can use improvement, but right now, they will be ignored until you both deal with the betrayal. That's just how it works.

Remember...you and your H have a lot invested in your family. You've had a lot of good years and lots of joys and sorrow. Just as the two of you have overcome other sorrows in your lives and in your marriage, so too can you overcome this one by working together and being committed to building a better, healthier, more honest and loving marriage.

Good Luck!

Thank you all so much for your support and advice. I cried when I read the replies. Somehow it helps knowing that I am not alone.
My anger is mostly gone now. I still feel numb, but I am starting to think again. Mostly I feel extremely DEPRESSED. Today, getting ready for work, I was looking at myself in the mirror and thinking how ugly old and fat I must look compared to OW. (I have seen the OW and she is frighteningly attractive... an ex stripper if you can imagine how GREAT that feels)
I have read through the entire site and ordered 2 books- How to Survive Infedelity and Her Needs His Needs. H and I have taken the Emotional Needs and Love Busters Questionnaires. I have forgiven him and agreed to work on our marriage. He is being extremely devoted, very caring, loving. In short, everything he USED to be before this happened.
But now I know he can change, it can all change, without warning, against my will, no matter how wonderful our marrige is. I don't think I could stand to go through this again.
So many questions...so many thoughts spinning in my head so I am going to write them and hope that they make sense.
I don't know how this could happen. After reading about E needs and L Busters I cannot see where we went wrong. We have had such a good, solid marrige! We are both respectful and loving toward one another. We talk, share and laugh together. We rarely argue. We have always had a dynamic sex life.
I guess I don't know where I went wrong, what I wasn't fulfilling, that he had to go somewhere else to find it. I have asked him, and he repeats over and over how it is not my fault at all, that he felt "possessed" and like he was a different person. He says over and over, "It wasn't me. It wasn't ME!"
Question... how will he stop the other "him" from emerging again?
I am worried about STDs. He says they used protection every time, but OW told me no they didn't. I don't know who to believe. I don't know how to go to my small town doctor and ask to be tested. I don't even know what to be tested FOR!
I have asked him to go to the doctor and he is VERY reluctant, thinking it is not necessary, but I do NOT want a disease and thinking that he might have already given me one is just another brick in the wall.
Question- what about being tested. What do you SAY? Can you go to a place like Planned Parenthood for them? I don't want to go to my doctor!!!
Question- do you tell other people about the A? I told my mom, because I went to her house when I wanted to drive my car off the nearest cliff, but I have lied to my friends and said nothing happened between them (They all know a bit because OW called me at work and informed my friend and coworker who answered that it was "about my husband", plus they have watched how he has been acting -like an ALIEN- for the past 4 months). I don't want anyone else to know. This pain is so HUGE and to add sympathy on top of it, as well as their hostility towards him... I just don't want it. But I hate lying to them. They are, after all, my friends. Help?
Question-How does anyone ever have sex again with an unfaithful spouse? I am sure my situation is not unique and there are lots of BS whose WS had affairs with very attractive people. How do you DO it? I don't even want to undress in front of my H anymore, imagining him comparing us. I have always been very confident and self assured and now in the space of a few days that seems to have melted away and I am left feeling this way and I HATE IT! Yet I feel like re-establishing intimacy is important, reclaiming my husband's body.
Finally, I got an email from OW last night, apologizing. Says she can't sleep because she feels so bad, hopes he and I can work it out because he really does love me...blah blah blah. What does she expect from me? All I have to offer at this time is a hammer in her stupid pretty face. Should I reply to her?
I am praying for guidence and asking God to lead me on every step of this disgusting painful journey. I don't know if I, if anything will ever be the same. help help help.

I'll try to answer the questions first...if I miss anything...just point it out.

How will he stop this "other him" from returning?

It's very likely that this took him by surprise too. He wasn't the man you know and love, nor the one he had always respected. He crossed boundaries he never thought he'd cross. He threw away his own values. Well...now he knows what he is capable of. Of course, we are all capable...but he's is starting to see and suffer all the results from this "stranger"...and now you both will know what to watch for. So often in the normal course of living our lives we forget to keep all the communication lines open, when this happens it can be very hard to express unrest when you really don't have anything to point at. Getting our honest factor up to par and making sure that we keep it there is one of the best ways of making sure that our marriages continue to be strong and supportive.

Hon, you've got nothing to be ashamed about. I really think your best bet is to see your family doctor...however, if that is just something you feel incapable of dealing with, then yes the local health department would do the testing...however, then you've got a government agency knowing your medical histroy...do you want this? As for what to be tested for...your doctor is the best source for this information. Believe me, you wouldn't be his first patient who has come to him with this need.

Please do this as soon as possible. Even if your H is telling you the truth...safe sex is not all it's cracked up to be. Many illness/STD can still be an issue.

What do you say to the doctor? That you need a full test for STD's because your H had an affair. Be blunt! Don't go into details, unless you feel comfortable doing so.

My personal advice is to try and keep the affair between you and your H if at all possible. If you need support from a close friend/family member, then do so. But the marriage is between only the two of you and only the two of you can work it out.

I understand your feelings of not wanting to have to deal with anyone else's emotional reaction, I too felt as you do. HOWEVER...if there are adult children involved and IF they are going to figure this out...be honest and inform them that this is between the two of you and you'd appreciate their support but not their judgements.

Reclaiming our sexual side of the marriage can be difficult. It can run from one extreme to the other. Either you jump their bones every chance you get, or you can't stand to have them touch you. Either is normal.

It takes time. It takes a lot of empathy on both sides. If you feel better getting undressed in the bath...then do so. Remember...no one's body is perfect, not even a stripper's.

Don't rush it, if you're not ready, when you are, go slowly and tell your H your fears and also your wants/needs/desires.

This EMAIL!!!!! Either do NOT reply at all and block her from ever emailing you again...OR...you AND your H should draft a reply stating that neither of you ever want to hear from her again. If she calls...don't answer and if necessary...change your phone number...even cell phone numbers if you must. Do whatever you need to do to keep her out of your marriage. She is attempting to stay a part of what is only between you and your H!!!!!! This woman is NOT interested in helping!!!!

Good Luck!

I'm feeling so much better. Time has helped, as well the fact that my H is doing everything in his power to make me feel loved and secure.
He went to the dr. today and had all STD tests done. We will find out early next week if it is bad news. So far, no more contact from OW, though the little voice in my head keeps telling me not to trust him. I wonder if that will ever go away. Before this happened, I felt free to go places and never thought twice about where he was. Now I am nervous to go to work because I can imagine him hurrying to call her as soon as I am out of the house. I ask every day if he has heard from her or seen her and he always answers no. Today he got a little impatient with me when I asked, and I told him that I might ask him that every day for the next ten years. Is this wrong of me? And then the Little Voice reminds me that I am trusting the word of a man who just lied to me worse than anyone ever has before. Will I ever stop wondering?
We are following every bit of advice on this website and received our books yesterday. I am reading "Surviving An Affair", and H is listening to the Quick Start tape in the car. He doesn't want me reading the book because he is afraid it will upset me all over again and he wants to maintain the fragile peace we have established. I know his wish is that everything would just go back to "normal".
I have to admit that taking responsibilty for MY part in this is VERY difficult for me. No matter how I look at it, I can't see that it was my fault! I have done everything I know how to do to be a loving, comitted wife. How is it my fault that my H went completely crazy???
I am trying trying TRYING not to have angry outbursts. Trying so hard to remain in a good mood and do the things I know I am supposed to. But those thoughts, they just creep up on me. One second I am happy, feeling relatively normal, and the next I am imagining them in my car.
The car which I have told him I will never get in again. I don't want to sit on the seat where my H had sex with someone else.
I think about hurting her a lot, too.

kaat...the fact is...you may not have done anything which you can point to as being "wrong"...not that even if you could that would justify his affair. Affairs seldom have anything to do with the spouse, unless there is some sort of abuse going on. Affairs are about SELF!

As for asking him about contact...maybe you should ask him to bring it up himself, instead of you having to ask. I too went through this, and because sadly xOW was on occasion still trying to contact H...he would always tell me first thing when he came home if there had been any attempts or horrors of horrors...she had tracked him down. By his offering this information immediately...it began the reclaiming of trust. He'd come home...kiss me...and say...NO contact today! Or if there had been some...he'd tell me that.

HOWEVER...you must be willing to understand that you H has NO CONTROL over what she does, only his reaction to it! IF he is the one continuing contact...then there is NOTHING you can do about it...except ask him to leave. If you're concerned about his calling her from your home phone...call the phone company and ask for detailed local calling on your bill! I know...it's a trust factor/LB...but if you need proof one way or the other...get it!

GET RID OF THE CAR!

You're not doing anything that is unusual. You are checking the sky if he says it's blue, your trying to avoid triggers which set your emotions in a tailspin...but they happen anyway. This is ALL NORMAL!

RAAAAAR. Please excuse another LONG post but I have to get this off my chest or I might kill someone.
I got another email from OW this morning. I never replied to her first one, just deleted it. I know, I know, I should have blocked her address, but I thought if he contacted her secretly then she would let me know... you can see where I am coming from. And I do think she would. One thing I didn't mention about OW is that in addition to being pretty and sexy, she is EXTREMELY STUPID. The epitome of the "dumb blonde" stereotype. (Please don't take that as an insult to blondes, my hair is blonde, but I'm not an IDIOT) My mother suggested maybe that is why H had an A with her, that he felt intellectually inadequate with me and she was just this big-eyed, cute little thing that thought every word that dropped from his mouth was a seed of great wisdom.
The only good thing out of this is that H gave me his email password after I read in "Surviving an Affair" that the Harveys suggested it. So immediately after receiving the email from OW, I checked his email. (He wasn't even up yet) She did not write to him. I will be able to see on the cell phone bill if they have talked, but I honestly believe him that they haven't.
My H is adamant about not having anything to do with OW again. He says the A was the worst mistake of his life and he would never EVER put me or himself through that kind of pain again. Once again, he says, "It was NOT me doing it and I would never do it again."
Unless he is a brilliant actor (which I don't think he is, because I could tell there was something very wrong during the whole A- he couldn't hide his guilt at ALL) he is being genuine and doesn't miss her or want anything to do with her.
So....
When I talked to OW, when she revealed the A to me, I was very calm and kind. I thanked her for being "up front" with me, praised her because most women wouldn't do that. I am not a fly-into-a-rage-or-panic kind of person... or maybe I am, but I think about it first. THEN I explode. HUGELY.
So I was kind to her, because I wanted her to give me every bit of information she had and I understand the saying about flies and honey. Put that together with her stupidity and I think she actually LIKED me, and thought I was nice. I think she is lonely w/o him and any kind of contact is contact. She probably thinks I am this mild-mannered, nice lady who never gets upset. She apparently hasn't been feeling the pins in the voodoo doll. J/k <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
BTW, H did write her a letter as you suggested- I read it and approved of it before it was sent. She has not tried to contact him since receiving it.
Am I crazy?
I might kick her teeth out.
Ok and here is the Other Hand. There always is one, isn't there?
Since I became a Christian nine years ago, I have become a different person. Or I believed I had. I used to be a violent, wild and crazy gal filled with rage and restlessness. But I changed. No more wildness, no more anger, no more cruelty. I don't hold grudges. It is, on some strange and totally bizarre level, very sad for me to see this woman's lonliness and her desperate attempts to communicate. The one side of me doesn't want anyone to feel that way, ever. The other side, the "old" me, wants to come to the forefront and rip her face off. And then laugh at her.
When H and I were dating off and on, and he would show interest in someone else(while we were in the off phase) I would scare them away. Literally. I can feel that old personality pushing to come out. I think I could make sure she NEVER contacts me or him again. But the other me is appalled and shocked at the level my thoughts have sunk to, and wants nothing more than to forgive this girl and move on with my life.
help?
I know I seem to be rambling. Please forgive me, I have NO one to talk to about all of this and the war inside of me is taking its toll.
He agreed to get rid of the car ASAP.
I am trying Plan A. It is easier than I thought it would be.
Bright thought- I think I do still love my H, after all.
Thank you thank you, justawifey, for your support. you have been a godsend to me.
-Kaat