posted January 27, 2003 11:56 PM
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Hi, I'm brand new. I stumbled accross this site and it seemed pretty interesting.
Let me start off by saying that I just found out that my husband of seven years has beeen having a 4 month affair with a woman at work. We have been having problems and of course he found comfort in someone else. He even left for a week on Dec 27th and little did I know he stayed with her for that week before he came back home. We even started counceling but he saw and slept with her the very next day after our first session. I found out about his affair just last wednesday and we had our second counseling session on Saturday. He said that he screwed up and that he broke it off and now wants to fix our marriage. I feel so betrayed and so hurt and yet I still love him the same. No less and I hate myself for that. I should hate him and I don't. I spoke to the other woman, and she gave so many details about their affair that I wake up every morning at 3am thinking about them together. My husband is a police officer and he gets off work at 2am and he was usually with her by 3am four days a week. Can my marriage be successful with so much knowledge, on my part?
I can't stop thinking about all of the things she told me they did together and to each other as well.
We also have a 6 yr. old daughter which makes it so much more difficult. Even if we did split up, I'd still have to see and spaek to him and that would be so hard to do, when I still love him so much.
Any advice would be great. I can't believe how many other people are in the same exact situation.

Debbie
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Posts: 1 | Registered: Jan 2003 | IP: Logged

Hi Debbie welcome to MB. I'm so sorry to hear about what is happening to you. When it happened to me I too was shocked. It has been 2 1/2 years since I found out about my husbands affair (we were married 24 years). We have since divorced, but that doesn't mean that is what is right for you that is just what had to happen with us. There are a lot of good and wise people here. I have not posted many times but I have come and read for support. It was shocking to me how many of us there are. Read often and take advice that seems right for you. It is a great comfort (and a great sorrow) knowing there are so many who understand and know just how you feel. I will pray for you...and watch for you're posts. I know you can make it through this. H

Thank you so much for the reply. It really does help in so many ways. I just can't stop comparing myself to her in every way. She gave me so many details that it just makes it so much harder. I want to believe him too but there is no way that I can ever trust him again at least not for a very long time. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> In spite of everything I still love him the same. I wish I didn't but I do.
I don't even know where to begin. Do I give him space or do I behave like a loving wife? I want him to remember what he did was wrong and I don't want him to think that I've forgiven him just yet.
Debbie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Yes, you can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%, providing you do three things:

1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity Then buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

<small>[ January 28, 2003, 07:53 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

I share your almost identical situation. My H is a former police officer who did the same thing on his midnight shift. EXCEPT he's never confessed. Only said he went to her place to talk. I have a 6 and 4 year old. I've flip-flopped between here, the recovery board and even the divorcing board (went to see a lawyer last week.)

For me, it all hinges on this: Does your husband have a repentant heart? This is a hard one. Because for starters, most "normal" people are sorry they've hurt someone. But saying sorry, crying and telling you he loves you is not entirely a repentant heart.
You'll see it in his actions. 1) Is he understanding of your tears and questions? (My H would just get angry at me when I cried) 2)Is he going to counseling with you and being HONEST with the counselor? (My H lied to both our counselor and pastor). 3)Do you see a changed man? (My H kicked us out of the house 2 weeks ago because I called our church to investigate money that he said he had given - he's since admitted that he spent it on himself).

I, like you, love my husband dearly. I found out in the summer and truly forgave him. We went to Cancun for our anniversary and I gave him an anniversary band and told him that I forgave him and was ready to work/move on. He continued to lie.
You'll go through so many feelings - deep, deep hurt, feeling betrayed by both God and your H, not knowing if you'll be able to laugh again, looking at your child and wondering what's best... it's crazy. Sometimes I read posts and think - how can they keep loving someone through it all? If it were murder, we'd put them away. Pray. Pray. Pray. And read. I think the book that's had the largest impact on my life since finding out about the A is "Falling In Love with Jesus" by Kathy Tricoli. It's written by both a married woman and a single woman. And it helped me to know that I'm not being punished by God. That Jesus weeps with us. And that no man can ever love us the way Jesus does.
I don't know if I've helped. I do feel that police officers (every single one I've known) are HIGHLY SUSCEPTIBLE to affairs. Long hours, good-looking uniforms, and literally women who act like cop groupies who'll do ANYTHING to land one. My H quit his job as a police officer and I thought we were entering recovery with that. If at all possible, I would definitely recommend this. Even if it means forgoing some retirement money, it's worth it. I remember after finding out about the A and my H went back on the midnight rotation - I vomited 3 times before he left for work - he was so worried about me that he called in sick. We both knew that we couldn't live like this.
I wish I had a happier outcome to share with you. My H still has not "come clean" and that's hard to live with.
In your case, the "coming clean" is what's made it so difficult. If you want to work on it, just keep reassuring yourself that HE IS WITH YOU. Just allow him to show his repentance in actions. I truly feel that is where it's at.
I hope this helps.

Hi Debbie,
I am SO sorry that you have the need for MB, but you are so fortunate to find this place! I discovered my husband's A on January 10 and reading your post reminded me EXACTLY how I felt. I can relate so much to your feelings of hurt, betrayal, mixed love, etc. I too, spoke with the OW at great length, I too wake up in the middle of the night thinking about what she said, I too compare myself to her on a horrible, daily basis. (The OW in my case is an ex stripper- a little piece of information that my husband let slip which has HAUNTED me ever since...). I know EVERYTHING about their A, and some of the things I know make me sick and crazy with rage.
I want to let you know you are not alone and there IS hope for you and your marrige.
Listen to what the members tell you. READ READ READ. In the week after discovering my H's A, I ordered from this website and read "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs". My H and I read every article on this website. We did the emotional needs q's and the Love Busters q's. Since he does not care for reading, I got him the tapes from the Marriage Builders website and he has been listening to them every day in the car. The results are amazing and I swear I am not just saying this.
Debbie, my marriage has literally changed into a different one. But I credit Marriage Builders and the books we read that saved it, because I was ready for a divorce. No kidding. When I found this place, all I could think of was getting away from him, and I was suicidal as well. We are BOTH doing all the things we are supposed to, and that makes a big difference for me. I know some people on these boards are not so fortunate- they have spouses that won't do the work.
If your husband is at all willing, there is hope for you.
And sweetheart, you are not alone. Please keep posting and reading and keep your chin up. Write about how you feel. This is a safe place for it. I will check for your posts and I will be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts and prayers your way today.
-Kaat