Hello everyone. I have just discovered you all and am very thankful. I'll have to say, though, I am all of a sudden very nervous about this! Geez! I have tons of questions....I have not had a friend to talk to since this has happened (by my choice). I tried talking to one friend (the only one who knows) and after the first time she said "Well, I would have never blah, blah...." well, that was the end of that. I guess the first thing I want to ask you all is: Can we really make it through this? Basically, my husband had an affair with a women he still works with. It has been 6 months since I found out. Strangely enough, it is like since that moment, we both finally figured out how much we really loved each other. Things have been great (relationship wise) for several months now. We have been married for 17 years (we were only 17 when we married). Anyway, do you think it is normal that things are better after, or are we just going through some romantic stage that will soon pass? I guess that is my biggest fear at the moment. Any advice?
Daizy

Daizy...welcome!

Many marriages do become stronger after a betrayal. It's not that betraying makes the marriage stronger, but that looking at the marriage as a whole, seeing the issues which needed addressing, working together as a couple to overcome a betrayal...can make it stronger.

There could be some romantic stages, but I'd guess that you've been able to process the betrayal in your way, and it worked for you and your H! CONGRATS!!!

If your marriage seems to be on solid ground and the two of you are enjoying each other and moving forward...Just keep doing what works!!!

Glad to have you on board...hope you began giving some insight into how you were able to move ahead. Each situation is different, but each has some of the same factors...so any help is always appreciated by someone!

Daizy --

Welcome to MB. Nothing to be nervous about; we're all here for each other and now we're here for you.

The recovery process can enter a euphoric stage, like the honeymoon period, where things are rosy and light and romantic again. This can blossom into the normal climate of the marriage, it can temper and lose its luster, or it can revert back to the conditions which led to the A. Obviously, the first of these is the goal, the second requires periodic buffing to prevent complacency and boredom, the third is to be avoided at all costs.

Since things are going so well now for you two, I believe it's of value to examine the conditions of the third scenario. Why did his A happen? What about the climate of your relationship led him to make that very poor choice? All of this of course to be approached in a gentle, non-threatening way. Something wasn't right and it's difficult to prevent or cure a recurring illness if we can't recognize its symptoms. You may want to do this exploration with a good counselor, someone who is pro-marriage and comes highly recommended.

I think it's wonderful that you two have managed to right the ship. Ideally, you want to insure a continuation, or at least stack the deck in that direction. Read the "Are You New Here" on the Home page and anything else on this site that looks interesting. I'm very happy that things are moving forward for you in such a positive and productive way. Keep up the good work! We're here for you anytime you need us.

Ammon

Thank you both so much for the advice. I feel like I have opened a whole new world for myself since finding this message board. It's like I already feel more free in a way. Wow, you all seem so knowledgable!

I do feel very thankful that my H and I are working things out...we are finally experiencing a relationship that we should have had for the past 17 years. I will definately stay focused and try to keep it going and I believe my H will too. I guess I am just not too trusting of any issue these days...but I'm working on that, too!

Thanks again. P.S...sorry, but I don't know all of the codes yet, like WS, WB...guess I'll figure that out eventually as well. See ya around!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Daizy:
<strong>Basically, my husband had an affair with a women he still works with. It has been 6 months since I found out.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why are you sure it's over?

I suggest after you familiarize yourself with this forum and read all the articles on infidelity and marriage building, that you invite your husband to read this post and any others you may have written. Ask him to browse around here and read others' stories.

Then, since you will have gotten familiar with the concept of Radical Honesty, discuss with him what you've learned here and ask him to catch up with you. Finally, ask him how he's going to ensure he and the OW do not get involved again. And oh, by the way, is the OW married? If yes, what about her husband?

Wow, that kinda stung! I was feeling pretty good here, but I'm not sure about your patronizing post? The whole reason I never talked to a friend about this in the first place was because I didn't want to be questioned and made to feel foolish. I am confident that the affair is over. If I weren't, I would not still be with him. And if I were still doubting him, then our recovery would be down a few steps. Thanks for the suggestion about familiarizing myself with the sight, yes, I know it's important. I just got a little excited that I had found someone to talk to and wanted to go ahead and post. Did I break a rule? I am really feeling stupid right now, and this is not what I need or had hoped for.

Daizy,

Step back just a second OK? You just heard from one of the "grizzled old veterans" here. Hi WAT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> If you trust nothing else, trust that he has you best interests at heart. Why? The people here are very very pro marriage. Betrayed spouses, BS's, and Wayward Spouses, WS's, are welcome here but people don't pull punches much.

If they sense, feel, or are worried about something you will hear about it. BUT... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> the purpose is to rebuild marriage or at least help people address the issues and hopefully aviod the hidden landmines. WAT's questions were about you avoiding some hidden landmines.

You may not realize it yet, but continued contact with the Other Person/Other Woman/Other Man , OP/OW/OM, tends to really slow down recovery and often leads to reigniting the affair. Hence WAT's questions to you. Nothing is iron clad, but as you read here you will see from both BS and WS that continued contact often keeps the OP in the WS mind.

How am I doing with the abbreviations? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> There is a place on the site that has all of the abbreviations. I don't recall where it is. I am sure someone will help you. Some of them I have used and defined others are:

IMHO = In my humble opinion
IMVHO = In my very humble opinion
OC = Other child (a child born from an affair)
DH/DW = Dear Husband, Dear Wife
exW = ex Wife
DS = Dear son
S/D = son/daughter
Dv = Divorce
C = counselor
POJA = Policy of Joint Agreement
Plan A = a plan that should be adopted when the A is first discovered and the WS is still involved.
Plan B = a plan that follows Plan A (we are logical here, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) and involves ceasing contact with WS until the affair is over.

There are many more but hopefully these will help.

Keep posting, ask all the questions you want, and if you read a thread that strikes you please offer your opinions. That is really what this is all about.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks Just Learning. I guess I am a little sensitive. Surely that's understandable. The fact that my H works closely with the OW is probably the most stressful part of this situation. But I have worried so much already over it, I have decided to not let that be the focus or else I will be miserable forever. There is nothing that can be done about it. neither of them can leave their job (no,WAT, the OW is not married). So, what now??? What has to be done to deal with a situation that can't be changed? I feel so deflated.

It was certainly not my intention to deflate you. Just get your attention. Guess that worked, huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I really, really hope that your initial exuberance is justified. As JL indicated, we are VERY pro marriage here and sometimes we have to play the devil's advocate to keep others from getting too comfortable. You see, wayward spouses have a way of being very clever with their deceit. We've seen it too many times that a betrayed spouse feels like things are going well, them WHAMMY! The alien abductee beams back up to the Mothership and it's back to square one.

My bluntness to you was due to the fact that you are new here - maybe naive, your H still has contact with OW, and we have yet to meet your H. Better that I shed some practical warnings than you get the WHAMMY, right? Bring your H here to post and I will eat crow - I promise to be the first in line to welcome him.

WAT

Well, thanks for the warning, but I had always had that in the back of my head....I had worked really hard to put it there actually, otherwise I think I may go crazy! sorry, but you will not be meeting my H....he doesn't type and the computer is definately not his thing. I am using this site as a part of my healing, but I will impart any knowledge upon him that I gain through it. I haven't been around long, but this has already been so helpful....even if it has been just for someone to talk to and to know I am not the only one living through this nightmare. I have been very pleased with our recovery so far, but in no way do I think our life is perfect. January was really hard for me emotionally(even though things were good with H). I was just needing to get myself out of the funk I was in. When I found this sight, I immediately began to feel better. so, that is why I took such an offense to your initial post. but I'm over it now! : ) Thanks for your (and everyone else's) wisdom.