Married in May 2002, I left my Job of ten years my family and my friends. Moved to another state to live with my husband. We had the fairytale wedding , I truly felt like Cindarella. Until a week ago I found out he has been seeing other women including his ex-girlfriend since planning the wedding until now. The ex girlfriend called a few time during our dating period and he said he would put a stop to it. She called when we were engaged. He then told her at my request not to ever call a gain. However, he has never stop seeing her. Well I found out one day he left his email account open and I saw the emails he has been sending to these women for the past year.
When I told him about it, he lied. He later had no choice but to tell me the truth because he new I would not let it go. My entire marriage has been a lie. I gave eveything up for him, I even convinced my 18 year old son to leave Philly and come live with My husband and my stepson. I love my husband but i can't trust him. I need proof that he has left these women alone and they will never be apart of our life again. I hurt so much and I have no friends here. I can't even tell my family because they were all there at our wedding, and It's embarrassing to let them know I have been mad a fool of. At night I cry and the only one I have to turn to for comfort is the one who hurt me. I need a friend

Though you stumbled into these boards via very hurtful circumstances, I'd still like to say welcome to MB.

Please do not be ashamed nor embarrassed to reach out to any trusted family member or a friend (of course consider the people here at MB as your new friends too) - afterall you werent the one who had been unfaithful, not the one who had broken your vows, not the one who's been living a lie all this time.

Your family and friends truly love you, surely if something like this happens to anyone of them, you'd want to reach out and offer your support too.

Please be strong and take care of your self. Im sorry that I cannot give you a more substantial advise at this point, the MB veterans can be more helpful to you in this area.

I am sure you will find MB as a very good support network.

God bless.

XTREME

First things first Mrs. Brown,

YOU DO have friends here. You have come to the right place. I know the pain is overwhelming but use this website to better understand what has happened and what to expect. This is earth-shattering, I know, but as you read, ask questions and get support from other posters you will begin to get more clarity about the decisions that you need to make.

Believe it or not your story is not unusual and it is all too familiar to me.

I got married this past August only to find out in October (a week before my 27th birthday)that my H (husband) had been having a PA (physical affair) with a co-worker. His A (affair) began 2 months before our wedding day and ended two months after that wedding day. I too felt that my world had ended. I moved to a different country to be with this man and he destroyed my life. I too felt the shame and embarrassment that you are feeling now. But you are not alone. You'll be surprised by the support you receive if you just ask for it. Your friens and family, those who love you, they will understand and support you. You didn't do anything wrong so don't feel like you need to face this alone.

You may not feel strong right now but you are because you're here. Right now this doesn't feel like this is your life but things will get better. I promise. You can get through this.

I too feel as though my M (marriage)was a lie but don't let that rule your recovery if your H is willing to make things better.

Is he? You'll read a lot about fogs and plans and other Marriage Builders (MB) stuff but in the end it comes down to whether your H is willing to say he's sorry, mean it and then prove it for as long as it takes.

I'm on the long, hard path to recovery with my H. Things are difficult right now but he recognizes and takes resposibility for his terrible mistake and that truly is half the battle.

We started reading "After the Affair" and it helped me to put my feelings in order and actually own them and not be afraid of what I was feeling. Look around the site for other book suggestions. A lot of people on this site suggest "Surviving An Affair". Find a book that you can relate to.

This is such a hard journey that you are about to embark on. I still cry every day. Some days are better than others but when I look back on the last 4 months I know that I am a lot further along than when I first found out (d-day).

I hope this helps a little.

Please keep writing. You have a friend here.

CB

Has you H e

Thank you, I pray every day that God gives me strength to find ways of saving my marriage. I know he sent me here to MB. I feel that however things turns out, I know I have support here.

Another of Dr. Harley's books I'd seriously reconmend is "His Needs/Her Needs". It really gives a good defination of what a good, healthy relationship should consist of, which will be crucial when starting to rebuild.

I'm currently reading "Surviving An Affair", and so far it's really described my situation quite well, which gives me the comfort of knowing there is a chance.

Don't be afraid to lean on your family and friends. Bottling up all that emotion and hurt will do nothing but eat away at your own sanity.

I'm sure there are a lot of us that know exactly how you feel. It's as if you've been stabbed in the back by the one person you though you could trust above all others. You've given your heart to him, and it's been thouroughly crushed, burned, stomped on, and kicked under the couch.

But if he's willing to admit he was wrong, and will make a commitment to work on things with you, then you've got a good chance at a happy marriage. (I just wish my wife would show interest, but she's still involved in the affair and moved in with the OM (Other Man) <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> )

You are not alone. There are a LOT of us on here with problems very comparable. And there's a LOT of good advice to be read.

The #1 thing you HAVE to remember right now is NOT to beat up on yourself and think it's your fault. All this does is make you feel bad, and keep you from doing anything about it.

I'll keep you in my prayers, and hope to hear continued updates about your situation.

I know how you feel, my WW started her A only 1 month after we were married. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I hve found much support, advice and friendship from everyone here at MB. Just remember it is not your fault. Read as much info as you can from the site.

Right now things seem hopeless. I know for me I felt like my world had been turned upside down and inside out. I too was afraid to turn to my family and friends because of how they would look at me. I did go to them and they have been wonderful! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Please keep posting here for support and advice but also please find someone close to you that you can confide in.

You are strong and you will make it through this!
STTSI

All I can add is Welcome to MB. Everyone else pretty much said it all.

I'm sorry for you pain, I know this is hard

Thank you all, for listening to me and helping me find some comfort in new friends. Yes it is so hard for me to deal with this and I have found support in MB. Tonight will be the first time since D-day that I don't need a drink. You guys are great!!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Thank you so much . Should I get my husband to join MB?

I know all too well your pain. Two weeks ago I found out that my wife started cheating on me 3 months into the marriage, and it lasted until she decided to move out 3 weeks ago (about a year). Two weeks ago I found out why she moved out (was having an affair with a mutual friend). The pain is indescribable, and know that it is a challenge to deal with. But take solace in the fact that there are others here who have experienced it and survived. Is your H willing to work on things? Take solace in that, since in my situation she has moved out of state and not left me that option.

Further, I implore you to talk to your friends. At first I avoided it as well, for the same reasons. It is embarrasing to us. The reality of the situation, though, is I have received nothing back but support and understanding from those who care about me. It is nice to know there are those other people out there that are there for you no matter what. Take advantage of that and help yourself. It is critical.

Hang in there. I am barely hanging in there myself, but the other options of giving up are not good ones. So the best thing you can do is take care of yourself, and see a therapist if you have that option as well. It will do nothing but help.

Eric

Whether it be joining MB, reading books and articles or starting counseling, your H needs to do something so that he can figure out what's going on inside of him.

My H starts IC (individual counseling) tomorrow.

Eric: I wish I had more to say. I hope your pain is easing with each passing day.

CB

Your H needs help in figuring out what is going on in his head and how his actions affect others. As far as joining MB? That is your call, it could be of great help to him but than he might figure out who you are and you might not be able to speak freely.

To both you and Eric, I know your pain and please believe me that it does get better. After D-day I hit lows in my life that I never thought possible. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Now after several months of living with her A I have learned to accept it. I am now working on myself to become a better person and I know I will be a great H for some other lucky woman. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I know that sounds conceited but it is what gets me through the day. Get a counselor and get on anti-depressants if necessary.

The pain does ease with time.
STTSI

Oops! Double post, sorry.

<small>[ February 28, 2003, 04:37 PM: Message edited by: Still Trying To Save It ]</small>

Well guys, tomorrow will be our first day of counsling, and Im nervious. Any advice on what to say or what not to say.

Eric, thank you for your support. Im new to MB and Im new to this pain, but I have found some good friends here to help me thru all of this. I really cant give any advice on how to save marriages or how to deal with your pain, but I do know that prayer helps alot. I will pray for you and your spouse and hope God gives you comfort in you times of need. God Bless.

My only advice is be open, honest and to listen to what he has to say. If you love him, tell him. Tell him that you want to make it work.

Again, listen to what HE has to say. If he is not open yet than give him some time. You talk about the issues that you see. Make sure the MC knows about the A. If interested you should look into MC with the Harley's. I worked with Jennifer and she was wonderful. If only my WW would have joined me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Good luck and let us know how it went.

STTSI

MrsBrown --

Just wanted to wish you luck at your counseling session tomorrow. Being nervous about it is par for the course. But it's a start--a restart--for you two and that's critical at this point.

First sessions are often merely information-gathering time, rather than an opportunity to really dig into the issues. Don't expect to come out of it with great insight but do realize that it's a vital first step in a lengthy journey, and you two have to begin somewhere solid. Get a feel for the counselor and for your H's seriousness and depth of commitment to this process.

Remember, recovery takes much time and great patience; short-cuts are not possible. You have to go through this unsteady time slowly and cautiously. In a way, it's good that it takes time, since you want to have the new shoots firmly rooted in the soil.

We wish you well. Post again and let us know how things went. Your new MB friends will be waiting...

Ammon

Hello everyone!

Yesterday was our first visit to the MC and It was not so bad. She first wanted to see us on separate dates but my husband will be going out of town next week and I really wanted him to do this before he left . So we decided to do the first session together.

He started out telling her our reasons for being there was because he had an A. He said he was sorry for the pain he has caused and he wants to save our marriage. I sat there waiting to here what else he was going to say, but there was not much. You see, Since D-day he has refused to talk about the A and any question I had or problems I was having as a result of this, he would not talk about it until we saw a counselor. ( "It was like" he did not want to talk with out a lawyer present ) Well it was my turn... I told the MC how much he hurt me how long it was going on and I wanted her to know that he is sitting here like what he did was not so terrible , but I wanted her to feel my pain and I also wanted him to finally hear me out. We did not talk too much about the A but more about his excusses for why he did it. That bothered me because it felt like a lie and a reason to make what he did excusable. After about two hours we talk about the kids, the house not being cleaned and how Im not bringing anything to the table, and my son being hard to deal with. WELL I spent most of the time defending myself. I felt like he's telling her all this to say Im the problem. However, I was strong and there was not too much more he could have said or done to hurt me anymore. I let him know , what ever it was that I need to do, to make him feel happy at home I was willing to do, but I expect the same in return.

During the session the MC thought it would be best that we (1) had separate counselors, so that there would not be any biased opinions and (2) we should do workshops with other couples in a discusion. Im not too happy about the seprate counselors and I will talk to her about that on our net session, but I can't wait for the workshop! I need for us to be around other couples who are have the same problem. Well, I feel better, and I see some hope for us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I was given a book " The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M.Gottman PH. D ..... Have any of you read this book? I will be picking up "Surviving an Affair" today after work. During the time my H is away next week I suggested he did not call while he's away because i need this time to my self and I will be reading my books and starting a journal. He agreed to it and the MC thought it might be a good idea. What do you think?

Strongwoman (MrsBrown) --

But there ARE no excuses for an A, at least no acceptable ones. No wonder you were uncomfortable hearing all of that "stuff" from H! Maybe he'd like to think that his litany somehow justifies what he did, but we know better.

Whew! Two hours plus is a LONG session; I'm sure you were exhausted afterward. I'm very glad you had a solid opportunity to express yourself, both to your MC and to H, and to convey your pain and concerns. You shouldn't have had to defend yourself since you're not the one "on trial" here. It is typical of WS's to attempt to place blame for the A on the BS ("here are all the reasons why I 'had' to do this") but we all know that it's fog-produced gobbledygook.

You're very realistic to say that you will do whatever it takes but that you expect the same in return. The old adage that it takes two to make a marriage certainly applies here.

I too am a bit uncomfortable about separate counselors, unless each of you will be working on your individual issues virtually separately. But I also know that a lot of these MC situations operate this way, so perhaps it's not all that unusual. There is value and benefit to having one person "directing" the recovery and not having to contend with divergent opinions or methods. See how it feels and how it seems to be working in YOUR case.

Always nice to read, "Well, I feel better, and I see some hope for us." You want to keep that torch of hope brightly lit; you want to know that what you're trying to do is, in fact, very doable. Be your own strongest advocate for your marriage!

Lastly, I think having next week all to yourself is fine. The journal is a wonderful way to go and just having some "down" time and a release from the proximity of the situation will be immensely beneficial to you, some "you" time!

Keep us posted and remember that we're here for you...

Ammon

<small>[ March 07, 2003, 11:22 AM: Message edited by: Ammon ]</small>

Ammon,

I drove my husband to the Airport Saturday and I told him this time I would not go to the gate with him. We said our goodbyes and I left. Well, I went shopping got my nails done, had a few glasses of wine and it was all about me. I had a ball, but I was still alone and thinking about these other woman. I notice I can hide my pain behind shopping, and drinking, but I can not get rid of the pain. Last night I did something I wanted to do day one. - Call the other woman- Well I did, and she hung up on me and I called her back and left a message on her phone. I told her to stay away form my H and never contact him again or I will find some way of suing her. i must say it felt good to be heard. Was I wrong? My mother always told me if I was ever in a situation like this , to leave the other woman alone. I can't understand this. I hurt, and its not fair that they go on with there lives knowing what they did was wrong,"But so what." Im alone with this pain, My husband is going on with his day to day life with little stress, and his OW is doing the same.( who knows they could stll be contacting eachother) Not me, I cry everyday, wanting things to go back to the way they once were. How do I get my husband to make me feel like Im number one again? I need my rightful place again. I feel he gave it away when he slep with this other woman. I see her laughing at me in my dreams. She telling me" I did not have to marry him to have him, you cook for him and wash his clothes, and take care of the kids. All I want to do is F;;; him." It hurts so bad to think of them together. When my husband and I make love, I wonder if this is what he was doing to her. I think, is he thinking of her right now? What can I do, to make this go away? I want him to call her while im on the phone and tell her it's over. Is that wrong? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hello strongwoman! I am sorry you have found the need to be here; however, I can totally relate to your situation because I am a military spouse also. My husband, as with yours, is very much eager for us to stay together and work on our marriage. I am having a huge problem with the reality that he will be deployed again and probably soon. He has offered to get out of the military,but, I know how hard he has worked and I am hoping someone can give me advice on how to deal with the seperations and not think he is being unfaithful again. (considering he had sex with his coworker on his last deployment)

I, like you, had the urge to talk to the other woman and I did. She said she was sorry but I did not sense that to be true. She is only 20 y/o
and I think she just liked the excitement of being with a married man.

Right now, I am a roller coaster of emotions. ANGRY then SAD. I know how you feel, they had sex and I must pay the price for their enjoyment. NOT FAIR!!!!!! Well, I will get off my soap box. I really just wanted to let you know you are not alone and if you need to vent just reply back under "just found out" kimmierw

Kimmie

Me 31 y/o H 30 y/o
Dated 1 y Married 11 y
D-day 2/26/03 was a PA, they had sex 2 times
Trying to repair the damage and start the healing process.

Hello strongwoman,
First if you report the A's to his commander his commander will make the decision as to what punishment to give him. This can range from an LOR (letter of reprimand), demotion in rank, or a court martial. My husband's physical affair did come out and we are waiting to see what will happen. The other woman bragged about it to several other military females and like a wildfire out of control it spread. I know the only reason my husband confessed (7 months after the sex incidents) is because he knew I would find out.
Just to let you know I live in California and we are stationed at Travis Air Force Base. I just thought it was ironic because you said he is in California for a week.
I believe one of my biggest issues right now is that I have to learn to trust him again and right at the moment I feel that is impossible. That will make him going TDY unbearable for me and our 3 kids. I don't know how you are surviving right now with him gone. When did you find out about the affairs? Are they emotional or physical or both? Is the other military woman married or you don't know? See I have spoke to my husband's other woman on the phone and she said she was sorry; however, she had been talking about wanting him before they ever left and she knew he was married, she didn't care.
Kimmie
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