I am new here and am glad to have found this site. About me, I am married almost 14 years. My husband is a trucker. About 3 weeks ago, I confronted my husband (over the phone no less) about the OW in another state. He admitted that he has been speaking with her on his cellphone for almost a year and that he did have "intimate" contact with her 2 times, both after drinking. It has been mostly an emotional affair. (he is not overly interested in sex anyway, so that's not really an issue with him)

I was hurt of course, but I have to admit that I knew for a while that something was going on and I just couldn't bring myself to admit it. I had asked him about the charges on his cellphone bill about 3 months after it started, but he said they were to another trucker friend. I believed him because he does have alot of friends and I would have felt like an idiot calling the number to "check up" on him.

However, I knew that our marriage was in some trouble. I figured the stress of our finances (he is self employed) and I am a fulltime student (not working at this time) was what was causing us to drift apart. That is part of it, but not all.

Now, he has agreed not to speak to her or see her anymore and I believe him. The problem is, he is going through the withdrawal from HER and is having a hard time. He has admitted that he WANTS to call her but hasn't and he knows that the phone bill is coming this week so I will know. I believe him that he hasn't contacted her.

The other problem is...he doesn't know if he can forgive himself. He said that he feels that he has committed the ultimate betrayal to me and that he doesn't think that I will ever be able to forgive him, even though I have said I will stand by him and we will make this a better marriage than what we had before. Has anyone else ever had this problem? Knowing my husband, this is like him, he won't ASK for me to forgive him, he truly doesn't think he deserves it.

He also said that he thinks it will be too hard for me to ever trust him again because he has to continue to drive truck (its our only source of income until Dec 2004 when I graduate) and because it happened in another state, I will always wonder every week if he is out there "cheating". I told him that if he truly was a "cheater", he would have done it long before now. He has been trucking for almost 13 years. And it's certainly not about sex because he can certainly get that at home!! I am more than happy to comply with that!

Thanks for letting me air my dirty laundry. This is very hard and even harder when we have to do it all over the phone. I had to laugh when I read Dr. harley's recommendation about 15 hours a week together. HA, I am lucky to get 2 hours and that's after the girls (9 & 6) have their "DAD" time. And if he can stay awake long enough!! Heck, if anyone would have had an affair, would have thought it would have been ME for not having MY needs met!

Dear Hopefulgirl,

Keep on hoping! I'm sorry for the pain that you are going through. I hope that you can work out your marriage with your special situation with his trucking business. It's hard, but maybe you can get creative with the time you need to spend together.

Here are a few thoughts I had while reading your post:

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Hopefulgirl:
[QB]
The other problem is...he doesn't know if he can forgive himself. He said that he feels that he has committed the ultimate betrayal to me and that he doesn't think that I will ever be able to forgive him, even though I have said I will stand by him and we will make this a better marriage than what we had before. Has anyone else ever had this problem? Knowing my husband, this is like him, he won't ASK for me to forgive him, he truly doesn't think he deserves it.

Forgiveness is a gift that you give to him...he doesn't deserve it. There is nothing he can do to deserve it. He has indeed committed the ultimate betrayal to you, now wouldn't it be nice if he would stick around to undo as much of the pain as he can by helping you heal? He needs to turn this around and see your side. Ask him how much sense it makes to reveal something to a loved one that devastes them and then to leave them alone to heal on their own. It's a really selfish attitude, but he can't see that right now because he's hurting too. He is probably very disappointed in himself.

My husband had the same attitude at first. I think that he thought that it would be easier for me to heal if he weren't around. The reality is that he had years to think about what it would do to me to find out about his many infidelities. Once he told me he thought that I would heal best without him around to remind me of the pain that had been inflicted to my heart! Get real! If you make a mess...stick around to clean it up...be an adult and be responsible. I needed him to help me heal, to be there to hold me, reassure me, love me and answer my questions. I believe that he owed me at least that much! This is a very bad time to be making decisions about whether or not to stay together. Leaving is a bad idea unless you are in immediate danger of some sort. Ask him to stick around and pick up the pieces...to have faith in your ability to love him even through this. Not because he deserves it, but because you simply love him.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Hopefulgirl:
He also said that he thinks it will be too hard for me to ever trust him again

It will be very hard. He'll have to earn your trust again. Do you have a family plan with your cell phones? Some of them have free long distance and free calling between family phones. If you can find a program like that he can talk all evening to you while he's on the road. It's not the same as being there, but if you want this to work it's better than nothing.

I wish you all the best in reconstructing your relationship. It sounds pretty tough with him on the road and you in school, but it also sounds like you can do it!

Stillwed

P.S. We are making great headway in our recovery so I know that there is hope!!

<small>[ March 03, 2003, 04:51 PM: Message edited by: stillwed ]</small>

stillwed,
Thanks for your reply!! I will use some of that info the next time we get a chance to talk.

It's nice to know there are others out here that can help. I don't feel so alone anymore. I have a large family and lots of friends, but not too many know of the situation and I am too embarrassed to tell them. So it is great having someone to talk to.

It will be a long long road for us (no pun intended!) just because he is working so hard and gone 5-6 days a week. I suspect that once I get my degree and a good job (nursing) I can help to ease the financial burden and it will help our marriage alot.

Thanks again for your reply...it's much appreciated!!

Hi Hopefulgirl,
I'm new here too but have been visiting since I confirmed my H's A 5 months ago. My H is a pilot so we're just about in the same situation, with husbands who are away most of the time.

I am working on rebuilding my trust in him. I just want to believe that if it does happen again, it is bound to come out. I confirmed his A because the OW called one night but I had my suspicions months before then. Talk about gut feelings.

You mentioned being embarrassed to tell others of your situation. I haven't told anyone except my mom, brother, sister and a counsellor. No one in his family knows because I don't think they can help anyway. I feel it's better this way because anything you say can't be unsaid. Besides, you'll be hearing "you should do this, you should do that" from too many people.

We're on our way to recovery, getting there slowly. Stillwed is right, there is hope.