On Thursday, I made the decision that I wanted to stay in the marriage and try to work things out. Up until this point, I had been undecided. What bothers me, is that my WH doesn't want to talk about the As or any serious issues (regarding our relationship) for that matter. Everytime I try to bring something up, he will change the subject. Everytime! He feels that he can't undo what he did, so why keep talking about it. I feel like I have to talk about it in order to get past it. He has always been like this - not talking about his feelings or serious issues. When I had 2 miscarriages in the past, I was left to deal with them (grieve) on my own because he didn't want to talk about it. How can I get him to see that talking to me about what happened is the best thing for me in order to heal and move on? It's only been 5 weeks since I found out! We are in MC.

Men take longer to express their feelings on such topics. What is your MC saying?

BEing pregnant doesn't help in the emotional dept either. The BS often has a strong desire to talk it out and the WS wants that last on his list.

Know this and learn a bit of patience, you will learn what you need just not when you want it. Even if you got all the info now, you will still ask questions. So work on a plan to be patient and watch his actions.

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

L.

It's good that your in MC. How do you feel about the counselor? Does he/she ask leading questions? Is she/he pushing your H to open up? It does take some time for a dedicated conflict avoider to learn to open up and communicate on the hard stuff.

IF...you can possibly do it, try to keep the sessions for getting him to open up. Impress on your counselor your need for him to tell you the things you do need. (Sometimes a counselor will try to avoid this, but be firm...you have a right to know the things you need to know to heal.) I'd advise being very careful about what details you do want to know, make sure they are what you need to put things in a timeline. Details come with triggers and the less you have the better. jmho

Keep repeating to your H...he MUST be honest with you and answer your questions. Don't waffle, don't yell, just be firm and tell him truthfully that until he finds the courage inside his heart to open it...you're not healing, you'll only putting a bandaid on a wound which has yet to be cleaned out. It will continue to poison your attempts to heal.

Good Luck!

I feel your pain in every way, I was also pregnant when I found out my husband at cheated on me, Its been a year now and we are doing great, councling really helped us alot. I was 8 mths when i found out and although my H couldnt understand why I wanted to know things about him and the OW. I just wanted him to be honest and he opened up to all my questions in councling after a while cause he knew that was the only way the I would be able to get through it by him telling me the whole truth.So you have to keep telling him that you really to need the truth from him to move on, when your in councling bring it up alot and if hes really committed to you and wants to work things out then he will.But no matter how much he does tell you you will ALWAYS have those questions in your mind, I still do and its been a year since it happened but after a while you cant keep thinkin about them you have to move on with him and try and be strong for the baby too.I know its hard Trust me Ive been there but it will work either way for you.I wish you the best of luck with him and keep me posted!

I am beginning to think about the BS wanting to know details is a normal thing. I also want to know answers to questions I have, however my husband does the same thing. He says it is over, forget it and move on. At one point he told me that me dwelling on the A is wearing a little thin. I want to talk about the A, but he wants to forget it! Is this fair. I really don't think I can fully forgive without him talking about it. I want him to hurt the way I hurt! I know this isn't very christian of me. I don't think he realizes how he has stabbed me in the heart. I keep wondering if I will ever feel whole again. We are back together since June after separating for a year. He tells me that the reason he came back to me at first was because he felt obligated but then it grew into love. Does he realize how this sounds. Am I a fool? I keep thinking that he is still in love with the other woman. Please let me know if I am crazy! I am beginning to think so.

B&P,
My husband was exactly that way- he'd walk away each time I wanted to talk about the A. I told him I needed to know some details so I could heal and then move on but he never understood this reasoning. There were times when he grudgingly complied, answered my questions and then later I found out most of them were lies. I've had about 2 such sessions with him. I had a whole list of questions but the trouble is, after the session was over, a lot more questions came to my mind. It really is neverending. In a way, I am glad there are some things I don't know because they trigger too much. I hate it that I know her name, what car she drives, etc. My H would also rather not go to counselling. He tried twice and I see his point as to why it won't work for him. I have been reading A LOT and will continue to do so. I am surprised as to what I have put up with -- I have no real guarantee that he's no longer seeing the OW except his word but what good is that? What has worked for me is that I have stopped pursuing him, I have stopped talking about the A entirely. And praying has helped a lot, too. There's also another discussion forum that has helped-- divorcebusting.com. Some good things have happened though -- he calls me more often and the other day, he actually said he loves me. That's the biggest breakthrough for me so far and I told him he was making me cry.

Hang in there.

Thank you all for your advice & concern. I guess I will have to learn to be patient. It's not necessarily the details that I'm after - my H can't even tell me when the A's were. I did get one of them confirmed by talking to the one of the OW. I just want to know if the other one was during our engagement/how soon after our wedding/ while I was pregnant with our 1st child and how long it went on. He says he can't remember. All I can know for sure is a 6yr time span from when he started his job to the only email I found between them. I feel like I need to put the pieces of the puzzle together in order to get a better picture of what happened. MC thinks that my H does not know "how" to communicate & express his feelings so I guess that is something that he will have to learn. He says he will do whatever it takes to make our marriage work, so that's all I can hope for.