Iam having an affair, where do i start to end it? I am in the process of falling in love with this other person. Everytime we meet a get a little more involved. I don't want to leave my family (husband 5 yrs, teo boys 1 and 4 )but I fantacise about it. I panic when I think I almost get caught and swear i'll never see him again but a couple weeks go by and I have to see him again, or I think I can just be "friends". I want to tell my husband because he is my best friend I need his support through this but i can't expect that. I feel like I'm in a hole. It physically hurts to think of giving up my lover. I look forward to getting closer to him but at the same time it scares me to death. I feel like I'm right at the point of no return but i'm to confused to turn back. I feel like I'm addicted to my lover but at the same time I feel like I really love him and he's the one I should be with. This is making me a nervous wreck and I can't take it anymore. ANd I can't talk to anybody about it. I am A horrible horrible person.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by still seeking:
<strong>Kayla, are you saying that she shouldn't talk to him now, and should just continue to hold on until school is out no matter what? I consider you to be a sage here, and wonder if you could talk a little more about what you think??

BTW, how are you and Kasey doing? Haven't seen you post about you for a while.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SS - thanks for asking - Kasey and I - we have our days... I've finally had a full year of absolutely zero contact with the woman that sent me screaming to this site a couple of years ago - not that Kasey was trying to keep a relationship with her (EA), but she would not let go... Anyway - zero contact works wonders for the soul, especially when life gets abundantly full and rewarding that I can leave obsessions like that behind...

SS, the reason I recommended she say little or nothing to her husband is because right now, Sue has her hands full with exams and licensing requirements. If she removes his illusions that he has that she is entirely in the dark about his dual life, then he will do everything in his power to damage and shatter her equillibrium, including sabotaging her final months of schooling. He can't help it - the nature of a WS is selfish - the world revolves around them and their foggish illusions - his number one illusion is that he can keep such a secret life hidden from his wife - the one he pledged and covenanted to be true and faithful to.

Equillibrium is everything right now. Sure, the whole house feels like a tilt-room at an amusement park, only one of the warped and twisted kinds of parks that aren't real fun for the honest in heart. But so far, the room isn't swaying back and forth, and Sue has all the plates spinning on 1/4 inch dowels quite nicely. Let Maestro become aware that his world is about to tilt, he'll tilt hers a bit more, just so that his doesn't seem so bad. As long as the crash is dramatic, and traumatic for her, he can feel sane.

I've worked around sick people for too long - I know his next move as surely as I could discern in hind-sight. I've been down this road before - psychotic woman who was fixated on my husband, or the paranoid skizo co-worker I used to work with...

The best thing my sponsor (S-Anon) ever taught me is to disconnect my brain from my heart so that I could function, even while my heart was breaking. She had me write out a plan that totally focused on what my next step was, and then my next step when that one was done, etc. Sue's got the same kind of map (and looky - she didn't even need my wise sponsor to figure it out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) It's her logical thinker's default program, in the event that her husband decides to attempt to wreck her life, since he's already wrecked her heart, just for revenge - he can't have her move on in life without him and have any kind of peace; after all, she's then removing at least one source of intrigue and drama and gamble in his life (he is a gambler in the strongest sense of the word). An addict doesn't like to let go of his fix easily.

Just my take on human nature gone bad <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ April 01, 2003, 09:52 PM: Message edited by: KaylaAndy ]</small>

[QUOTE]he can't have her move on in life without him and have any kind of peace; after all, she's then removing at least one source of intrigue and drama and gamble in his life (he is a gambler in the strongest sense of the word). An addict doesn't like to let go of his fix easily. /QUOTE]

I found this interesting. I don't know if you recall in previous posts long ago, when H first met OW, back when H was fiance, and 2nd son was 6 months old. H met OW. H left us. At first I begged, pleaded, all the wrong stuff to do. After time went on, I started moving forward with my life without him. I stopped asking for us to get back together, stopped asking for us to find our own place. I started looking for a place for me and my children (we were living in his mom's duplex.) I figured I could not move forward living in her home, that I needed to be out on my own. H took notice, got worried that I was moving on without him, and I was. I told him, you didn't want to get a place together and be a family, it is time I got on with my life. He started coming around so fast, my head was spinning. I started getting confused, he started worrying that I would get mad and tell him to get lost. I was afraid at that time to address the issue of OW, and assumed she was gone because we got married. The first 3 months of marriage I almost filed for divorce. I had to move back to his moms, H was in an auto accident, I was not getting CS, could no longer afford my apartment. We got married, H would not move in with us, would not let me move in with him. Said the apartment was too small, and he had 3 months left on the lease. I said, so, leave anyway and we will pay the rent. He would not hear of that. Now, I question, was she there during all of this. Great way to start out our marriage. I was ready to tell him I wanted a divorce when he said he was packing up his stuff. When we married, I just assumed one of us was going to move in with the other. Natural assumption. I didn't think we had to discuss it. Boy, was I wrong. I feel like such a dope. Especially when I add it all up.

I'm not Catholic, my H and mother in law are. My MIL is going to have the priest to a Novena (I hope that is right) I'm not quite sure what one is, but she says if it is answered, things will work out. At this point, if it will help, lets add it in the plan.

<small>[ April 01, 2003, 11:16 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

Hey Sue,
I believe KaylaAndy's advice is best. It sounds to me like she has him dialed in pretty good. I hope after reading what he might do if cornered that it helps you go another few weeks and be strong. ( Don't you hate that - "be strong." Makes you want to scream, doesn't it.)
Yeah, be strong. Scream if you have to, you can even walk the dog, but don't kill H yet.
( In case anyone just wanders by, "kill H" is a figure of speach, I do not advocate violence nor do I think Sue ought to kill her H rignt now. Reserve the right to think it later though. )

Kayla, thanks for the update. I remember when Kasey was worried about the hot tub I was thinking " what in the world is he worring about that for now, when all these other things are going on in his life?" I suspect you were thinking along those same lines. I have found as I have read here that we all need some kind of outlet or goal to relieve preassure and I suppost that was his. ( though it caused it's own share of frustration for a while, what with the leaks and all.) Anyway, thanks. I think I live in the same state as you do, but far away down in dixie.

Sorry about the thread hijack - back to our regularly sceduled program.

Sue, I suspect you can make six or eight more weeks.

Is it still cold where you are?

SS

Its up and down for the weather, we get some nice days, in the 50's, 60's, then we are back down to the 30's and predicting snow.

A few weeks back, I put some grass seed down thinking we were done with the cold. I have to call the garden center and see if there is a chance the seed will grow. We have a few bad spots in the yard that need some grass. Trying to fill them in.

My mood is better now. I hope I can sustain it. I am focused again on school and my priorities. We had a test today, I don't know how I did, the website that we can look it up, says technical difficulties for grades. I don't know if that means 1) grades are not done yet 2) website having difficulties 3) scan machine not working or 4) teachers having difficulty and are suffering burnout along with the students.

H is being nicer to me the last couple of days. We will see why, is it because he wants to be nice or is it because he wants something?

I found another e-mail, this time, they are trying to plan a trip. We will see what happens. At least I know the dates, so I can put a monkey wrench into that one.

As far as killing the H, well, we will hold off on that idea. I don't like violence either, however, I could learn. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Just remember, dead men don't pay CS. Clara Harris would have fared better if she had kept this in mind.

Right now I am back to my old mood. I hope it lasts. If I can sustain this mind set for the next few weeks I will make it.

On a brighter note,

H is helping around the house more, doing dishes, asking my preferances, helping with the kids, etc, etc. So, the question is Why? At this time I will enjoy the treatment regardless of the reason why. He has been helping daughter learn her ABC's, making sure she has Dora the Explorer, Blues Clues, all those types of shows on tv, he bought her an activity book for her age and working helping her with it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I passed test #2. One more to go. Now, I have to get a good grade on my presentation, preceiptorship and I should pass clinicals. I didn't do very well in clinicals. For some reason this rotation I was very nervous and messed up alot. At least we get to review ourselves. I used the form provided along with an attachment I sent to the instructor explaining what I should have done vs what I did. I think that helped. All I want is to pass. I don't have to have A's. Even though they would be nice

Congratulation's, your strength is alway's encouraging. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hi Sue,
I still say Kayla's advice is really good. I didn't think of the things she said, and if he really would blow things all apart you have to hold on and get your school done and pass your tests first.

Good job on the test, I believe you will do well on them all. I think for a smart girl, you worry too much. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> ( a little is good, but a lot = too much stress.)

As far as his improvements. You already know he has some good in him. You would have never married him if he was a total jerk. Stroke him for his improvements. Let him know what you like and train him to do more. If you have to live with it for a few months, might as well make the most of it.

Just remember, dead men don't pay CS.
Gotcha -
How about collecting life insurance? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I had better quit, someone may come along and think bad of me when I am just teasing.

SS

Hi SS,

Yes there is the life insurance, they don't pay it to the person who intentionally helps with their demise. There is not enough of it to last until the youngest turns 18. He is so underinsured. I need to raise it. (Just kidding). I know you are kidding. You are way to kind to really advocate this kind of advise.

So far H has not tried to get out of our dinner plans.

My sister just called me. There a celebration dinner that my class put together. I want to go, it will cost quite a bit for all of us to go. My sister asked me about it, I told her we were not going, could not afford it. She calls me back 5 min later, and tells me to go ahead and sign up, that she called everyone in the family and they are going to pay for us to attend. I was so happy I wanted to cry, they love me that much and want to to attend.

As I was typing this I called H to tell him, and he says, fine, you go ahead and go. WHAT!!!!. I told him that I want all of us to go. I don't want to go alone. I want the kids there too. Talk about bursting my bubble. This is important to me, and he does not want to go.

Screw him.
YOU go. YOU deserve it! Take the kids if you wish. His lack of support of you is glaring, especially after he demands so much for himself.

Again, make it to the end. I am also worried that if you confront him he will do something to screw your plans up. It would absolutely be something he would do- sabotage you to protect himself! YOU ARE SO CLOSE!!!!
I know you want him to care, but his head is so far up his a$$ right now, that you are better off just doing what *you* want to do and to hell with him right now.

Your family is behind you, all of us here are behind you. Know that when you attend that party, we are all thinking about you and rooting for you. We will be with you in spirit until the bitter end.

Take some deep breaths and go zen.....

Just bumping so Sue knows I've been thinking about her all weekend.

Thanks - I think he is going to go. I have decided that when I purchase the tickets, I will purchase one for him. If he does not want to go, I will ask my MIL, or one of my sisters. (probably sister). They have been the most helpful with my getting through school. If I had a sick kid on day of school, my MIL usually took the sick one. (and she got home from work at 6AM). My other sister, used to take the kids when I had day clinicals, she would take them to school or daycare, another sister, would babysit at night or weekends so I could study if H was not home. My neice used to come and help clean so I could stay on top of stuff. (shes a teenager, so other stuff became more important and she quit).
I told H that this mattered to me that the kids and him attend. I told him that this is my celebration. His comment was, you complain about your classmates, why do I want to be with them. He took some of my frustrations with a couple classmates as complaints. One girl, works 20 hours a week, no kids and a husband and never had her part done on time, she always complained that she never had time for stuff. I found listening to her very frustrating because her I am working full time, 3 kids and school. I felt lack of planning on her part, was no excuse for not having her stuff done when I got mine done. It is stuff like that where I don't have time to indulge in what is petty stuff to me, and I find frustrating to have to deal with. She is always telling me that there is no way I can work full time as a nurse when I finish school, I will burn out from the stress. Now, how is working full time going to me more stressful than working full time, going to school, 3 children with hockey schedules, soccer schedule, dance schedule, school events, and your husband's infidelity. I might collapse from lack of stimulation since I am so used to being in high gear. So, that is H's excuse to not attend. Just a feeble excuse. I reminded him that this was about me, and me wanting to attend this celebration and having my family there. I told him that my family was paying for this as a present to me for graduation.

One more thing, I feel that this is not just my celebration, but one for the kids too and even H. The kids have for the last two years, have had to adjust to only seeing me in the mornings when I took them to daycare/school and weekends. Prior to this, I was the one who took them to daycare when I went to work, I picked them up after work, I was home in the evenings while H was who knows where. H was home some nights, but he would disappear for 1-4 hours every night. (I wonder where???).

So, the kids needs this as much as I do. It is a way to celebrate the sacrafices they made.

When I had clinicals during the day, and I took the kids to my sisters house the night before, (I did this so I did not have to make them get up at 5am), they would cry and beg me to let them stay home, saying that they will be good, they will get up good, they didn't mind getting up early, they will go to bed early. I know that they didn't understand that this was for their benefit, that I minded getting them up at 5am, I knew it was not good for them. I knew that this was better. When I had the opportunity to request 2nd shift clinicals, I asked for it, knowing that this would be better for the kids. They are used to me being gone in the evenings.

Hold both his hands in yours, and look into his eyes. Say "can I ask you about something very important to me." I hope he says yes, and I think he will. Then say, " I have tickets to this dinner ( explain again what it is for) and it is very, very important to me that you go with me. It would make me very happy, will you go? Please?"

Hi Sue,
It will be good for the kids to see you there and understand a little bit about what you have done for the last two years. H may even get some idea of all your hard work.

I hope he will support you in things that are important to you. It would really help you to cope with the bad.

SS

SS - I had forgotten you were south of me. I'm about to not be on the internet as much, due to focusing back where I need to be - building a new business - my business loan is a month old and I still don't have my data base ready to go.

<small>[ May 02, 2004, 08:07 AM: Message edited by: KaylaAndy ]</small>

Hi Sue,
congrats on the test and also I wish you more stamina to finish all that's needed for school.
I am tired and busy with regular job also now I am cleaning and painting the house to rent it ASAP.
I am concerned my H and I don't have time to talk or just be relaxed together. I stopped being the initiator so the conversations stopped altogether....
FBOW

Hi Sue,
I see you are all over the place doing good, and helping people. I have to believe some of that will come back around.

Study hard, and all that, but don't worry about it, you'll do well. When you go to bed, sleep, don't agonize about school.

I can't tell for sure if you are doing well right now, but it seems like it. You seem to journal more when you are down. You need not reply to this one, I just wanted to say hi.

Ss

I'm peeking in. I am doing better right now. I have been meaning to post the good stuff too, except I am really busy. Since the good stuff does not distract me, I put it off on posting.

Such as, H has been washing the dishes almost everyday lately. For me that is a big deal, since getting him to help in the past has been next to impossible. It is one less thing for me to do.

Gotta to. You are one observant man.

Dear Sue-

good luck on becoming a nurse! I am an RN too- haven't practiced in a while but I went through it all- it's a cauldron but it does get easier eventually.

It's great that you have your plan.

Confusing about your H though. This guy has been having this A for how long? Sounds like since you first married and then it started up again? You said maybe there's a real connection there... so why hasn't he left and moved in with her? Why the great secrecy? It sounds like he is taking great steps to hide it from you. You haven't confronted him. If you did are you thinking he might leave you high and dry, not pay for your school???

Anyway, glad to hear you will be graduating soon. Good luck and I will be happy when the day comes that you can stand up to your H. You deserve better than this treatment from him.