Well, after my first post to the list (my wife had an EA/PA 3 months into the marriage with a mutual friend, it lasted almost a year, then she moved out of state on me), I thought there was zero hope. I felt as if there was no way in the world we could ever work anything out. She was dead set on D. Everything was my fault. Her friend encouraged this.

Believe it or not, after 1.5 months, many of the techniques here are slowly starting to work in the tiniest of baby steps. We are now talking twice a week. The conversations are going well. She allowed me to buy her a gift this week as well (a gift certificate for massages). She told me that she had done a lot of things wrong, had been living in a fantasy, and that maybe joint counseling would be a good idea. I guess this is good progress towards making an informed decision about our lives going forward.

The difficulty lies in my internal strength. I am having to drive it all, and make these tiny steps. I want it to move so much faster, but I realize that it can't and I must use restraint. The distance between us, with only phone conversations, makes it that much harder. She does not want me to come to her new town, and I am respecting that. I am having great difficulty maintaining my strength through this, since I feel I am giving it my all. I am getting tired.

Any advice on how to maintain strength through this? BTW, I am not religious in nature....

Eric

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> BTW, I am not religious in nature....
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, many people do find strength in their faith. Maybe now is a good time to explore that yourself. If you've been reading here for 1-1/2 months, you may have seen my "intro" post before (it's the link in my sig line), but I would summarize it thusly:
1. Learn
2. Get help
3. Pray
Frankly, I should probably change the order.

Hi Eric,
There is something you could try.

One of the things that seems to bother us the most is that the WS often changes their mind. Some days they are happy, it seems like they want to work on things. The next day (or week, depending how often you talk to them) they are distant, cold and it is hard to want to continue.

I suggest you make a written plan of what you will do for her weekly. It doesn't have to be "talk to her 5 times on the phone." It can be something as simple as " I will meet her most important needs at least 5 ways this week."

You should have already tried to figure out what those needs are ( based on what you know of her) and be working on them.

If you can do a written plan and then compare each week how well you worked the plan it will help a great deal. When you do the plan you "win" even if she doesn't resond on any given day. It is a really good morale booster. That will take her response out of the daily and weekly loop and make it possible to be happy based on what you do, not on what she does.

Now, it doesn't change the long term facts, that if she doesn't respond over the course of some months you can't keep doing this for ever, but in the short term, it does help.

You also need to change things based on her response but that is somthing you should be doing anyway. That is, you continue to fine tune the plan to get better results. You should be able to see which needs are most important over time, and work more on those things.

Hope this helps.

SS

<small>[ March 26, 2003, 12:57 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Thank you for this good advice. This really helps. I have been kind of formulating a plan to progess things forward in my mind. It might be helpful to write it down so I can really internalize the progress I have made.

It is just SOOO hard some days. She is telling me she is unsure of what she wants, but is telling others that it is all over. Any response from her is slow, and hard earned. The fact that she is out of state makes it so much harder to work on things. We agreed to the phone calls twice a week after one simple face to face meeting together. I just wish we could do that more often, since I think it things would progress along nicely. It is so much harder to not put in effort in when you have to look the other in the face, rather than across a long cold copper wire.

Oh well, I am just so frustrated today,

Eric

Here are some other things to remember - and if you forget, we'll hit you with a big stick to jog your memory.

1. You can't change her. You just can't. You can change you, and hope she sees and likes the improvement.

2. There will be bad days when nothing helps. Like today. Then, you just have to avoid doing the wrong thing, because you don't have the energy to do the right thing. All you can think of is stuff like: Why did she do this to me. This is never going to work. My life is insane and it won't ever get better. You just have to make it to tomorrow when things are usually ( but not always, sometimes it takes two days) better.

I like it written down so you can check it off when you do it. Do a snoopy dance, tell yourself how good you are that you can think up cool stuff to do for her, and then actually get it done. Make it a game - say "Wooo Hooo, I did it!!" when you score some points with her. ( but not where she can hear it.)

Use all the tricks that sports teams have learned to motivate yourself. See where I am going with this?

3. All you can do is your best, but you can do your best. Don't settle for a half baked effort. Think on it daily, do something at least 3 times a week. ( or whatever your plan is.)

4. Don't push, be low key. Don't tell her what you are doing. Pretend like you just met her and are trying to get her attention without pushing her away. Be sly, sneeky, and smart about it. Reading here helps me get ideas, read lots.

Tomorrow will be better, give your self bad days but look for the good ones. You will be stronger when you wake up in the morning.

SS

<small>[ March 26, 2003, 03:34 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>