posted this a few days ago under "prayer requests." cajeanie recommended i post here as well. -- thanks cajeanie! nothing new except that we are currently "giving space," which basically means she doesn't want to talk right now...

from before...
"hi. i have never made a request like this before now. but i need any prayers i can get.

i have been married for five years and i thought we had an incredible marriage. of course there were rough times, but i honestly believed that we were so strong and in love.

my wife told me monday that she was having panic feelings and didn't know that she loved me like a wife should love a husband. then she told me that she had been having these doubts off and on SINCE we got married.

i freaked. i still don't understand. we have had long, LONG periods of really blissful happiness in there. i don't know where this came from or what to do...

i could use some prayers....

thanks

so scared.

This is common for most women before menapause. I myself have these panic attacks quite often, and did not know if I was going crazy analyzing life and where I was at the time. We too are believers and have gone through this struggle, and as faithful and the one who created the universe, so will he carry you through this. As women we are looking for that "hey, is there anything I can do at this point in your life to make you feel better" moment. Ask her to be completely honest, she may not know herself, and is going through a hormonal change. We will keep you in prayer. Your Friend, Estelle.

thanks, estelle. actually, my wife will be 28 next month, so i don't know that menopause is involved... i hope not!

I am too looking for some prayers. I am trying to find the right direction to fill my life with hope. I am stuggling in my marriage, but I have to be a person of hope to even begin to put this marriage back together, and more importantly, put myself back together.
Estelle, do you pray for hope?
BernieF

I was not a woman of much faith, when hope found me. I had very little faith, much less believe in a God. However when life's troubles started I had no choice but to look up. Before you can "shine" certain pressures have to be added. Remember a diamond is the strongest substance, it is made when insurmountable pressure is applied into the outter layers of the coal. My marriage only showed me what was already there, when things stirred up. I have been through the infedelity and the emotional battering and can you believe am still married and still in love, only this time I am happy. When I learned to let go of the unforgiveness, I actually felt more happy and healthier. "Determination is the soil to success", however it is applied .......I will also keep pressing in for you. Keep the faith!

estelle,

wow. that is so amazing! thanks for sharing, that is very encouraging...

Jesus found me while my wife and i were dating. she was a really strong Christian and i was a hardcore pagan (wiccan, in fact). i have cooled in my faith during the last few years and i wondered if i would turn to my old ways if something ever happened to my wife. i am happy to report that God has used this terrible crisis to draw me close.

i just hope that he restores my marriage, too. it can't be his will for us to part...

I have heard a saying "Your marrage has a 100% chance for success if you do it Jesus' way" So what does this mean?

Here are 4 laws of marrage:
1) Priority - The only one higher is God. You must treat your wife and make her feel like she is number one. That puts her ahead of you.
2) Pursue - You must continue to pursue your wife just like you did before you were marrage.
3) Possessions - What is yours is hers, nothing is just "yours"
4) Purity - You must stay pure, or problems will arise.

There are also 4 values of a marrage to follow and think about.
1) Value - You need to value your wife not just with words, but with actions. Do you tell her you love her, but then spend 12 hours at work? What are you really saying, work is more important than you.
2) Energy - If you spend half of the energy you used at work to prusue your wife, how do you think she would feel?
3) Share - again, everything you both own belongs to both of you. No individual bank accounts etc.
4) Trust - If she can not trust you with her most intimate feelings, then how can there be true intimacy in your relationship.

God created marrage and made it so we could be happy. Satan knows that by shattering marrage, society falls apart. Just look around and see for yourself.

God has a plan for you and your wife, together you must seek to find that plan. You can't find out what God's plan is by sitting around the house waiting for God to tell you. It is like going on vacation, so you load into the car and wait for God to take you there. No you must start driving, and then you are lead down the roads on your journey. Sometimes we take wrong turns and get into trouble, but God can take that trouble and use it in your life and make it good.

Always remember, Jesus endured the cross with your sins and my sins, plus the rest of the world both past and future. God loved us that much that he sent his Son to die that we might have life with him.

Have faith.
Praying for you.

thanks so much... other than being in continual prayer for both her and myself, though, how do i start "driving" while she is away?

In order for something to be completely surrendered to God's will, it must first be given to him. Your marriage was his to begin with. He allows certain things to take place to build you and your wife spiritually. There has to be brokeness in order to submit to his will, which is the whole purpose of serving him. For example, if a horse is not broken and trained to pull a cart, it won't. It would do whatever it wants, until someone who can see more distinctively and clearly directs the horse. So you are currently being fitted for reigns. Create some meditation time for yourself, no fancy talk, just whatever you feel, it is NO surprise to Jesus, he already knew this would be taking place. Know that I empathize with you, and will be praying...stay strong!

thanks, estelle. that is godly counsel, indeed.

i cannot imagine being any more broken than i am right now... but i have already been through a few surprises lately. i am meeting with my pastor in a little while...

bless you and your awesome marriage!

God bless us all who are stuggling. my heart is so tender to anyone suffering in marriage. how lonely for two to become one and then feel separate... from each other and God. i pray that my wife would be overcome by how much God loves her. right now.

and me, too.

you have some wonderful idea's Estelle. I think God keeps his eye on us but I have a difficult time keeping my eye on him.
Have you ever met a person who you instantly just connected with. I remember meeting some one like that in college. She lived next door and we shared about our families, classes, and learned so many things from each other. I wanted that kind of relationship in that marriage, someone to talk with, share with. I can't remember what our love was like at the beginning. How could I forget something as powerful as love? I am also scared that I will not trust Jesus enough to help me love my H again. How do I keep from being mixed up. Please pray for me.
BernieF

BernieF, it is okay to feel scared. I met my husband as a result of a best friend, who by the way I learned to tell all my secrets to, while I was getting over that "special someone" that I thought I connected with. I often asked God why he put him in my life if we were not meant to be. I later learned that there are different kinds of love, and the one love I least expected was the one from my now husband. I gave up trying to figure out the why's and now realize that my marriage is a work of art. Build with love and sweat and infinite prayers. Keep in mind that everything works out for your good, no matter what it looks like on the outside. Nothing means NO THING is impossible with God. Smile...you're awesome!

thanks, estelle. i spoke with my wife tonight. she's away for another two months for work.

anyway, she is really mad at God right now. i don't know why. but she doesn't want to pray (first time i've ever heard her say that), she doesn't want to work on things, she doesn't want to struggle anymore.

i told her that struggle was inevtiable. either we struggle to do God's will and work on our marriage or we struggle against his will and work for the rest of our lives on the consequences of divorce...

she said she knows. but she is tired and over- whelmed.

please pray that she would be overcome by God's love for her and that she would turn to him. her initials are BP. thanks.

so scared, if you ask me what I hear is a woman deep in the fog. For a detailed look at the "fog" do a search for the word in GQ2 and you will find many, many posts on it, you can also, and must very soon (like now) read about it in Harley's book Surviving an Affair. Fog talk is usually very distorted view point as the wandering spouse is rationalizing and justifying their actions. Try not to take it to heart.

Whether or not your wife is currently having a PA is unknown to me but I would lay money on a strong EA at the least. If you read the posts here you will see this type of behavior pattern repeated over and over. Your wife is not the first nor will she be the last, and there are steps you can take to try to save your marriage.

It is first of all very important to read the books, as many of the Harley books as you possibly can, as they have far more information than this web site alone. Encourage your wife to read them too. If for nothing more than the fact that you have found this wonderful way that you may be able to make your marriage stronger and it is worth trying I hope you can convince her to read it. But don't be surprised if she won't, and don't stop learning and reading and posting here for support.

This forum can be a life line, and a wealth of experience. It is amazing how nothing your spouse could possibly say or do has not been done or said by about a million before them. It's like there is a script that WS's follow. Take support and council not only with the lord but with his angels here on Earth in this forum who can help.

This is the hardest thing that anyone can go through. Time to learn how to pour on a strong Plan A. Try to take it one day at a time.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

thanks. i am trying to read a bunch, but i still don't know what all the initials stand for... EA? PA?

Estelle, I believe you when you say that nothing is impossible with God. I just have to push myself to believe that there is something to be learned in all of this mess and pain. I don't feel like my husband is true to me. He has some female friends who he shares with. I am terribly jealous of this. I dislike that part of myself a great deal. But, I also do not trust these women. I think they enjoy having my H attention and know it bugs me. One of the women once told me that she is guilty of nothing but being a good friend...you know what, she was never my friend. I wish I would have had the guts to tell her that. I admire that you feel your husband and you have a love that is everlasting. I am just not sure of that.
BernieF

Don't worry about not understanding the acronyms, here is a full list of them for you:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000557

While you are there check out the link to the notable threads as well. Alot of good reading.

And:

EA = Emotional Affair
PA = Physical Affair

Best of wishes!

Relationships are never everlasting, nothing is. There is no guarantee to what tomorrow holds for me, or for anyone one of us. Keep in mind that prayer is part of a relationship with God just as communication is in a marriage. Would you love your child any different if he/she would not be able to love others the same way you do? In the same aspect, God favors no one. He is not a respector of persons, but a respector of Faith. The more you have the more likely you will see him respond to your prayers. Anyone can have it, the choice is whether or not they choose to utilize it. Marriage is work, day by day, week by week, month by month. Nothing is set in concrete. My prayers continue BernieF, keep pressing in...and I will do the same in my end.

encouraging update!

i wanted to thank everyone (monty & estelle especially) who has prayed for me and offered counsel.

my wife and i have begun the long road toward reconciling our marraige. it turns out that she was not unfaithful at all (so glad i never accused her), but that she nearly had a nervous breakdown. she has been carrying guilt all her life, but especially since we've been married, about not being the person everyone thinks she is. she comes across as being nearly perfect to outsiders and, although everyone knows that nobody actually is perfect, they treated her as though she was. add to that being a perfectionist and she felt overwheming pressure to never have trouble and an amazing amount of guilt that she actually had struggles inside.

somehow, i have contributed to her feeling this way. i think that i tend to keep my doubts inside. also, i realize know that i always listened, but got teary and sad very quickly when she tried to share any doubts that related to our marriage.

anyway, there is obviously a long road ahead to learn how to communicate and care for each other's REAL needs, but we will be doing it together...

thanks to all. and praise to God, for through this struggle, he has brought me to a deeper and more faith-filled relationship with him. i feel certain that, although she is still facing doubts about His goodness and providence, my wife will experience the same.

"I (Jesus) have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer! For I have overcome the world." John 16:33

amen!

So scared,
Glad to hear the wonderful news! Not many on this forum have that opportunity. I will continue to lift you up, remember advice from man you will always have, but advice from God is a promise, and I have never known him to break one yet. I am down with the flu this weekend, why? I never get sick. Hi to BernieF! When I am up to it, I will write soon. God Bless, your friend Estelle P.