On the same day my H was told he had a brain tumor, I found out he's been having an A for over a year. I'm in a state of total confusion. Decided to stay with him through the illness but I know I would have kicked him out if he wasn't sick. Thank God for this site and books I've read or I'd have gone crazy during this. Seeing a therapist also helping to sort out my feelings. H has (hopefully) stopped all contact with Her, but I'm still afraid he just needs me here to take care of him instead of really wanting to end A. They work together, so I don't know. I don't know if I'm here for our marriage or out of guilt to leave while he's sick. Can't believe I got hit with both at the same time...it's horrible. Can anyone relate to this? - plz help me.

Dear Siesta, I am going through EXACTLY what you are experiencing. My H has cancer, and I found out about the OW (an old girlfriend, who lives 3 houses awa from us!) the night of his first cancer surgery. I was cleaning out the trunk of his car of the stuff we had taken down the night before he went to the hospital. Lo and behold, when I dumped everything out on our bed, out fell a bathrobe and card from the OW! Since I knew her name (met her when H and I started dating), I knew this was the same person. I understand completely your feeling that he may be "using" you to take care of him. My H told me two weeks ago that he is "indifferent" to me-but he doesn't want me to leave. He also doesn't want to stop talking to the OW-admittedly, it's an EA, NOT a PA-but extremely painful for me nonetheless. H basically said that since he's sick, he feels justified in doing whatever HE wants to do to make him happy, whether it is hurtful to me or not. I PRAY for him to be cured of his cancer, because I'll be out the door so fast the breeze will ruffle his hair! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> But I CAN'T abandon him when he's ill, even though it's so painful for me to be with him at the same time. I STILL love him, but I can't live MY entire life with the "crumbs" he doles out to me as far as affection goes-mostly to keep me around, I get the feeling. BTW, is your H's brain tumor malignant or inoperable? I don't mean to cause you further pain by asking this, I only ask because I had a brain tumor for five years. It caused a lot of problems while I had it, and left me with some permanent ones too-but it was also successfully removed, and I've had no recurrence since. Hopefully your H's will have a similarly positive outcome. In the meantime, I send big HUGS to you-I'm standing in the same shoes you are, and my heart goes out to you. {{{{Siesta}}}}! Sincerely, Desperateforlove

My heart goes out to both of you, struggling with two emotional blows ... simultaneously.

(((( Siesta ))))

(((( DFL ))))

Day before yesterday, I recieved the sad news .... my Mom has liver cancer. And, it's at a very bad stage. I am, however, lucky to be in a loving recovered marriage (7 years), and my H is so supportive and holds me up emotionally.

Both of you, please do not feel you need to carry these burdens alone. Get help from your physician, from your spiritual source, from your family. Have at least 2 or 3 phone numbers available, people whom you can call and ask for help and support.

Also, consult with an attorney. Not necessarily to file for divorce, but to find out what your legal options are. Do not wait until you have made a decision to stay in the M or not ... do this as proactive financial self-protection. It will take a load off your mind. One thing "out of the way".

If you are "in a state of total confusion" .... then ask for help.

spiritual help
emotional help
legal help
financial help

If either of you have school age children .... inform the appropriate persons at their school that the family is in crisis. Ask them to keep an eye on your child (ren) to make sure any child is not showing signs of stress or depression ... it really helped us duing our crisis to have some special people at school looking out for our kids.

DFL .... it sounds to me that your H is being especially cruel. Using his illness to justify his sin. DON'T BUY THIS TRUCKLOAD OF CRAP.

Would both of you please consider making a call to the MB counseling center? You situations are both so emotionally loaded, I think you could especially benifit from good MB counseling.

I think you both need time to straighten out your minds enough to decide if you want to save the marriage, or not. Do not make this decision in haste. Deliberate with your counselors. Pray about it.

You have choices. Yes, you do. Work out all your available options. Journal your thoughts.

You have voices. Use them. You do not have to sit quietly and suffer silently because the cruel or hurtful man sitting before you has cancer. Cancer is not a "get out of jail free" card. Cancer does not obligate YOU to the position of a doormat caretaker.

If the OW has a spouse, and the affair continues, most of the time the OW's spouse needs to be informed. This is tricky, but it certainly throws a monkeywrench into the fantasy of the A. This is NOT a LB if done carefully. Instead, public scrutiny is the natural consequences of the A. Before you do anything like this, ask Cerri for help. She is a MB coach. Start a new thread with attention to Cerri in the title if you want her advice. She's wonderful.

Do NOT lovebust .... for it will only increase your sadness .... if you do feel like LB is about to bust your head open .... go outside and scream .... or, as Orchid says "Talk to the walls" (This wall talking is from a very good movie *Shirley Valentine*)

Remember to take care of yourselves. Resentment is very harmful to your body. Pamper yourselves. This is an ORDER!!!!!!

I expect a weekly update describing your self pampering activities ..... or .. I will be forced to come to your houses and give you a pedicure MYSELF! And, I'm NOT very good at pedicures! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Most BS go on anti-depressants (AD's) to survive. I did. It helped tremendously.

God bless....

and you better start pampering ... or I'll be after you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Dear DFL - I never in my wildest dreams thought anyone else could being going through this same nightmare. I feel so bad for you, though, as your husband is being so mean to you. Was your marraige stable before this, or had you had previous bouts with him? My marriage (or so I thought) was stable, that if my co-workers knew about all of this they'd have heart failure. They all consider us to have the most solid marriage in town. No fighting, good times together, good sex - then he got involved with a co-worker and whammo. He says he never loved her and hated what he's done to me, and is promising he'll never hurt me again. He answers every question I ask (and I've asked EVERYTHING). I just have such a hard time believing him after all the lies he's told me this past year. I keep telling myself "it's over" and you can't do anything about the past, but I keep having these crying bouts - not so much about him having sex with someone else, but the fact that my best friend could have deceived me so intentionally. You should not put up with his crap - it's like rubbing your nose in it. You need to tell him NO CONTACT. That's what I've done, and every day we talk about it. I know I'm probably driving him crazy (although he says I'm not, and anything I need he'll do) but your H doesn't deserve better treatment - he did all of this to you...not you to him. As far as his brain tumor, it was malignant, and highly recurring. The prognosis for a long future is very bad, but luckily he was not left with side effects from the surgery or chemo, radiation or the cancer at this point. I also know I could never leave him during this - I think God would never forgive me if I did. He's trying very hard. Get to a counselor - it's helping me tremendously. H is going to one also, and he says it's helping him to talk it out so he never does this again. I feel for you...

Pep, thank you so much for all your insight and help. I'm so sorry about your Mom - I lost mine three years ago, and it's something you never, ever get over. She also had liver cancer. I have done most of what you suggested; talked with my attorney, even the CPA. H and I both see therapists. It's wonderful to see you've had seven good years with your H after going through recovery; it's so encouring for me. My husband is being very open with me, has NC with OW (I hope), and very patient. Yesterday was a bad day-that's why I posted. Tears streaming all day long. Some days are good, and then for no reason I just fall apart. Is this just the normal process? I want to believe him. I know I can't change the past, but I don't seem to be able to look to the future anymore. We've been married 24 wonderful years. H even uses the word "wonderful"..can you believe it? How does someone just put faith back into someone after being slammed broadside?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Siesta:
How does someone just put faith back into someone after being slammed broadside?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't put your faith or trust back into you H for several more years ...

Instead, you find your strengths, put your faith back into yourself and whatever "God" means to you .... and you realize that you have the strength and the willingness to overcome all this ....

Faith and trust towards your H is not forthcoming .... don't wait for it.

Trust God.

Trust yourself to survive.

That's the reality of early recovery.

Pep
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

??? and the self pampering ????

where is it?

Dear Siesta, your H sounds like a much better man and husband than mine, and i'm very sorry about his brain tumor, especially as the prognosis doesn't sound good. I HAVE been supporting my H through his 2 surgeries and his radioactive iodine treatment-he's supposed to have another one in Dec. At least you and your H are in counseling-mine refuses to go, since he feels we can get through the situation by ourselves. the truth is, he has NO intention of giving up his EA with the OW. He feels it's OK to call her, pick up things from the store for her, stop by and see her, as long as he's not going to leave me. Well, emotionally, he already has. Physically, he's never been there-he hid the fact that he's impotent from me before we married, and it's never changed. he's also addicted to bondage porn, and he won't "forgive" me for not wanting to participate in that with him in our early years. Oh, I changed-I became "Ms. Dominatrix" for a while-always was a very good actress, since it does NOTHING for me, and I find it revolting and the antithesis of intimacy and emotional closeness. BTW, he also had another EA (well, a partial PA, since he slept in the same bed with her and fooled around some, but naturally was unable to complete "the act"-he told her it was nerves! That affair lasted for 6 months, and was very open and in front of me. So we've been very rocky for years. We don't have children (obviously!). I AM on AD's, but they're actually for chronic pain I have from a fall that damaged a nerve in my head-the beneficial side effects are welcome though-not that they keep me from getting upset with him. Anyway, I pray that you and YOUR H continue to work through this problem together, and that you can draw closer during his illness. my heart goes out to you, dear. DFL
PS-Hey, Pep? I'm "pampering" myself by working on MY house this weekend (the one I own other than my H's and mine). It really soothes me to plant, paint, and decorate my little "sanctuary" from all the lies, deceit, and indifference from my H. Thanks for encouraging me! DFL