Help me if you can figure this out, I am trying to make this clear in my mind…Here is what I do know and what I have been told by my H… It has been 13 days since d-day, we went together to see the Chaplin the very next day. During our first session, the NC rule was advised and H told OW that afternoon. Since then, we have been listening to the tapes that our Chaplin gave us. I have gotten through 4 out of 6 and H through 2. We have been talking as much as we can about the A. H said, he does not know why he even started, except to say that she was nice, friendly and pretty. Of course, I know that I must have not been paying attention to some of his most important EN. But, H will not talk about his EN and tell me what I can do to add the love back into his bank. So, I have been giving him as much of and as many of the EN (Sex, love, attention, recreation etc..) Since the d-day we have had two really great weekends. H admits that he had a good time. We have another session with our Chaplin this week and we have a weekend plan for us to get out of town this weekend. We have even been making some long-range plans for future months. Ok the weekends seem great, the weekdays have been a little strained but I am trying to go about them as normal. He does seem distance after coming home from work. I have been letting my mind get the best of me by thinking he is making contact with OW but, I have no evidence and he tells me he has not. I even ask him if he was lying and if he could continue to lie to me and H said no. During his last conversation (that I know of) with the OW (when he told her that he wanted some time to see if he could work things out in his marriage) she also mentioned trying to work things out with her H. (My H said that when the A start they told each other that their marriages were happy). Could it be that there hasn’t been any contact and that my H is depress that she has not contacted him? I did ask him that question last weekend. (How does he feel about her not contacting him?) To which, he replied, “she is giving me the time and space to “try” to work things out or maybe she doesn’t love me as much as she says she does. Since that night I have asked him, if we start to make some headway in our marriage and you were to find out that the OW’s marriage is not working, would that open the door for you to step in and he replied “Probably”.
What do you think is going on here…is he in withdrawal? How long will this continue like this before he is out the fog and can really start working on our marriage? Up until now he said he is just doing a lot of thinking about what he wants. Of course, he is not sharing his thoughts with me. Any insight would be appreciated; I will continue to work on myself and our marriage the best I can with help from you.

Meltingdown

Very normal behavior for WS. They do grieve the relationship (or fantasy). He may jump ship again, so don't be disappointed. Hang in there.

ditto believer

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Meltingdown:
<strong> During our first session, the NC rule was advised and H told OW that afternoon.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do you know he told her? Because he said so?

I strongly advise you ask your H to write a NC letter that you will review and you will mail. Discuss this with your chaplin first, if you want.

What was your decision regarding informing the OW's H?

WAT

My H called me today very depressed and said we needed to talk. I met with him and we talked about what he is feeling. He is so confused right now. H said that since the NC from the OW of 10days now, it has only made him love and want her even more. He told me he loved me but was not “in love with me”, that he finally had met the women of his dreams and now really knew what it felt like to be in love. Boy, was all that the hardest thing I ever had to take. I sat there holding him with love and understanding. He feels like he is about to bust and needs to talk to someone. He said he was going to start looking for someone. He said he doesn’t want to hurt and even if we do try to make this work, he is afraid that he might hurt me again one day. Then in his next breath he would say how he is looking forward to our weekend getaway and can’t wait to move away from here.
Again I ask… What do you think is going on here…is he in withdrawal is this what I have to except from now on? How long will this continue like this before he is out the fog and can really start working on our marriage?

WAT: the OPH does know, I think he may have found out the same day I did. The OPH’s has already called my husband and threatened him. I have know idea what the OW and OH are doing if anything to fix their own mess.

Your husband is in withdrawal. Have you read the book Surviving an Affair by Williard Harley? If not, you should get a copy and read it. The symtoms you are describing is exactly the same as when my W came back twice. Only she couldn't stay away from OM and went back. The affair partner is very much like a drug or alcohol. And your husband is the addict. He will experience withdrawals like any other addict and his drug is the OW. This withdrawal period could last a very long time, but the major portion should take about 3 weeks. So, try to keep him busy with things to do or going away on your little trips. All this helps in the withdrawal phase. It may be a better idea not to talk about the affair right now and let him get over this portion of withdrawals. Give him love and support and be there for him when he needs you. You're are on a rough ride and so is he. You can get through this though so don't give up. Keep us posted...