I was on marriage buildiers a while back. My husband had a PA and told me he was in love with her. It has now been over a year and I was feeling that finally things are getting back on track. I know that it is over with the OW. On to new things. I suspect that something is now going on with someone else. I am pretty sure I have just not found concrete evidence. He started being friends with this other OW probably about 6 months ago. The cell bills showed hours and hours of conversations. He rarelly has any free time but I am pretty sure he has lied to me and spent time with her. I am not sure if it has gotten physical. (my fear is that it did or is). I dont know. This time it is different. Everything is fine with us. He has been great. He is not acting like he did with the first affair. I think that this girl knows he is married and just doesnt care. She is young an nieve. She is 19 I think. He is only 27 but anyways. I just dont know what to do. I dont have solid proof. I have questioned him about her and expressed my concern and discomfort. The cell calls have decreased. I do have a computer program monitor and I have seen somethings that I dont like when he chats online with her. Anyways I just dont know what to do. I am on meds and I have a new job and exciting career ahead of me. I just dont get it. Why does he bother to be with me if he is not happy. Any advice would help!

I think it is time for you to read or reread SAA and suggest to your husband that you both adopt the suggestions in it to make your marriage affair proof.

I do not understand a spouse continuing in a relationshiop with the opposite sex, against the other spouses will. My WW did that and the results were and are disasterous.

One of Harley's rules is that the spouse should never do anything to cause harm to the other spouse, (if I remember right). Your hubby needs to follow that as do you. Oh, tell the 19 year old that you are his wife.

Thanks for the advice. We are supposed to have that agreement. But he is a lier. So what do I do if he cannot keep his promise. Why does he continue to do this?

Hurtandalone,
Sorry to see that you have a need to post here again. It sounds like you think your WS is at "it" again. You say that things are different this time and that could be because your WS is smarter about hiding the A the 2nd time around. Now YOU need to be alert for any of the signs that you saw during the previous A so that when you confront your WS about your feeling of concern you can use these signs to support your feelings of uncertainty. You can't just go to him empty handed that does more damage to the relationship. Have you ever determined why he had the 1st A so that you both could protect your marriage from repeating the same behaviors? One of the biggest mistakes of trying to repair the relationship is the failure to get to the core of the problems that exist between the couple. If and I say if he is having another A it could be for this very reason.

I hope he's not having another A. The pain that is experienced by a BS can only be understood and described by another BS who has experienced the same pain. It's hard enough to go through the grief once. God forbid that you have to do it a 2nd time. I'll pray for you.

1MoreChance

--------------
Married 32 yrs.
Age 50
BS
D Day 6/2003
(WS had 8 yr A sometimes PA other times EA. OW provided him with free illegal drugs which kept him going back for more. Since he wanted the drugs he continued to have the A. He is presently in inpatient drug rehab. If he is successful and participates in an outpatient follow-up program I will give hime one more chance (1morechance). If he screws this up he's out).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurtandalone:
<strong> Thanks for the advice. We are supposed to have that agreement. But he is a lier. So what do I do if he cannot keep his promise. Why does he continue to do this? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because he can, and because it works. He can because there are no discouraging consequences to his behavior, and it works in that he has two women to pay him attention and fill his needs. So the real question is, why should he stop?

IMO, it doesn't matter whether he is sleeping with this woman or not. He made a vow to you on your wedding day to forsake all others. He broke that vow. Then he made a promise not to behave in ways that would expose him to the temptation of another affair. He broke that promise. That's why I say it doesn't matter if they are actually having sex or not-he has proven he cannot be trusted.

To me (and of course, you don't know me from Adam's off ox, so my addvice is worth just what you are paying for it), it is Plan B time, and the conditions for his ever being allowed back in your life should be pretty stringent. The point of having given him a second chance was for him to have a chance to do right by you, not to have a chance to see how much he can get away with.

Please help I cant handle this, Im losing myself

Do you have children? If not do not hesitate to go to plan B. My W and I had 3 when she had her first A. My answer at the time was to get even. It was lucky one of us didn't end up dead or in a mental ward. We got the wrong help at the time from a bad counselor. She has had at least 2 other A in the last 15 years but now our kids are grown and away from home. We have lost so much in that time and can never reclaim it. My health has gone bad and age has taken it's toll.

I am afraid your H is playing you. Your honesty the last time only gave him the information on how to hide his tracks. The temptation at his age is too great. The only answer would have been to stop all contact with this new person whether or not it had become a PA. Not to do so is to dishonor you and what your M represents. He is BSing you.

I used to think trust was the most important thing in a M but now I believe the honesty ranks higher. Do not let him slide it will haunt you for the rest of your life. I know I've been there. He is not being the type of husband you need or the type of father you want for your children.

Let him know his preceived relationship with this OW is harmfull to your M and must stop!
Thats my 2 pennies worth hope it makes cents.