I just found out yesterday that my H is having an emotional affair with a co-worker (i.e. no sexual relations yet). He and I have only been married for a year, though we were together for eight years prior to the marriage. I found all the information on this site very helpful, but I was hoping to receive some feedback on my particular situation. Here it goes:

Husband and the other woman started out as friends. He said he felt a connection with her and said that once he realized there could be trouble, he stopped associating with her for a few months. This was easy as she had moved out of state for 4 mos to work on her own relationship with her husband (from whom she is separated). Unfortunatly she was unable to work things out. She returned and upon her return they began seeing each other. My H said he told her that he and I were having marital problems too (although he never mentioned this to me). I was always a little suspicious of their relationship, but, at the time I mentioned it to my H, they were only friends.

For the past three months, I have known that something was wrong with our relationship. My H has been withdrawn and obviously depressed. I tried to talk to him on a number of occasions but he just told me it was stress with work and that he was unhappy with life in general. He said he thought he would be happy with a good job, a wonderful wife, and a nice apartment, but that all of it was not making him happy. I thought it was all the hours he was spending working (which he genuinely was) and tried to encourage him to cut back and get some rest (he was sleeping only 5 hrs a night at most). On a number of occasions, I would get so upset from his lack of affection that I would start crying. He would start crying too and just keep saying how unhappy he was. I told him we could work it out and change things so that he could be happy - I would follow him no matter which path in life he chose. Never did it ever occur to me that there was another woman. The feelings of guilt were effecting him acutely. Recently, I found hard evidence that he was spending time with her and confronted him. He confessed it all right away. He was very remorseful and apologized repeatedly for hurting me. He said he loved me and still loves me now. He cannot imagine his life without me. He still enjoys spending time with me. He was caring and tender to me the entire time. So far he and the other woman have not spent much time with each other. He says that she understands his disatisfaction with his current life and she feels the same. He enjoys spending time with her and talking with her. They have kissed only. She has confessed her love for him and said that if things don't work out in our marriage, she will be there for him. He had not specifically confessed any feelings to her (though he said to me that he thinks he loves her). I asked him what emotional or physical need he had that I not able to meet? He said that I was the perfect wife...I did everything right...I am more attractive, intelligent, caring than her in every way...but he could not articulate why he was drawn to her. She understands him (I thought I did too). He stressed that I did nothing wrong and that it was all his fault. I was upset, of course. This emotional betrayal hurts much more than if he had a one night stand. But I reacted the opposite to what I would have thought. I thought I would have thrown him out immediately or at least left myself. But I forgot my hurt feelings almost instantly and only felt the need to work things out. I love him and I cannot imagine my life without him. He says he loves both of us and needs to figure out what he wants to do. I asked him to give her up but he said that he can't and doesn't want to. But yet he has begged me not to leave him. He is surprised by the fact that he felt a connection with someone other than me and it has caused him to question our entire relationship. He keeps telling me it's not a competition between her and I, but all about him. He does not see the effect she has had on our life. He is convinced that our life is a mess and that it has only partially to do with her. Nobody currently knows about this situation. What should I do? How do I convince him to let her go and to save our marriage? Do I let friends and family know? Do I contact the other woman? Any advice would be helpful.

Final Note: I always thought we had a very strong relationship and I am in complete shock that this happened. He has convinced himself that he was unhappy in our marriage before the other woman came along. But I know that our relationship was strong before she entered the picture. I think the long hours and time spent away from home are what left him vunerable to the affair. He is willing to throw everything away now - his entire life - and I can't seem to break through to him. He is not himself.

Here's the number:

1-888-639-1639

Thanks for the advice. I will try to convince H that it is the best option for us, though it will not be easy. In the past few days, H has made an effort to be home more often and has been patient and honest (I think) in answering all of my questions. I have an insatiable "need to know" about the EA and all the details but I try not to badger him with too many questions at once. He says now that he is committed to working on the marriage by being open and honest and trying to figure out what needs were not being met in the marriage that allowed him to be vulnerable. He is open to reading all the information I gather (from this site and from books). He has agreed not to visit her at her home anymore, but he has not yet been able to break things off with her. I know it is too soon to expect him to do this. And it hurts me that it is so hard for him. Since discovery, he tells me when he talks with her and what they talk about (though I think he may minimize things not to hurt me further). He really seems to want to make things right but I think he does not have the strength to break it off with her. He continues to talk and laugh with me. Comes home each night with hugs and kisses and if very affectionate and sorry. He just seems so sad. I am affraid he will change his mind about working on things when he seems happier with the OW. He really believes that he is not choosing between me and another woman. But is deciding if our marriage makes sense, independent of her. He is questioning whether or not we got married for the right reasons and if we fit into his view of the future. He is shocked that he can feel this way about someone other than me and this is the first time he has felt a connection with anyone else in 9 years. His questioning our relationship really hurts the most. I wish I could make him see that she is what is wrong in our marriage and she is the reason he is questioning. I only hope that things have not progressed so far and we can "nip this in the bud" as you suggested, before it gets any worse. I still can't understand how this happened and what needs were not being met in our marriage that left him open to this. He cannot figure out "why" either. I am faced with so many questions each day...Can I trust what he tells me now? Can I trust him to keep his promise of not seeing her at her home anymore? I know he means to keep them, but can he control himself?
Thanks for your support.

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through right now.

Several times you have asked "How" and "Why" this could have happened and you wonder why your H was so vulnerable. What left him vulnerable to the affair is that your H failed to have proper marital boundaries in place when dealing with this OW at work. He should not have been communicating with her on a personal level, EVER. This opened a door to disaster.

Please don't blame yourself. Yes, I'm sure there are areas in your marriage that can use some work (especially newly married, I believe the first year or two are the hardest). This is where reading and learning all the info. on MB can help. But this was HIS choice, and Pepperband has given you the very best advice on what to do right now if you want to save your marriage (don't wait for your husband to agree to calling, he's in the fog and probably won't. You should do this on your own).

Thank you for your words. The fact is that I would like to have the counseling and I really think I could convice H. But when you don't have the money, you just don't have it. Your response about the "how's" and "why's" helped but they still won't go away. My H and I have had some really good talks in the past few weeks. It is really upsetting to see how he viewed our relationship. He genuinely thought that we were together just to be together (out of convenience) and because it was easier to be together than be apart. Of course, he questions that assumption now but there are still days when he is not sure. He is not sure if he is just scared of a future without me because it will be hard or because we really belong togther. How do I convince him that our marriage is worth saving? He has been reading the information on this site and has been starting to question his relationship with the OW. He is surprised to see "our story" written down like a text book. He thought he was alone and that nobody would understand how he felt. He is considering now that maybe it is not her at all but a combo of unmet needs and opportunity. But again, he vacillates from day to day. He still does not want to stop talking with her but is honest with me about when he does. He still cares for her though he knows it hurts me but at the same time he says he loves me. He admits that he really did not give our relationship a fair chance - that he sabatoged it. How do I show him that we are not together just to maintain the status quo (he says he loves me, enjoys spending time with me, is sexually attracted to me and that we like the same things, but yet that is not enough to convince him). I could see if we were miserable with each other, but we genuinely enjoy each other. He keeps vacillating and I don't know how to sway him to my side. All this ambiguity is killing me. Help please.

Shockednhurt, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. On 1/8/04 the ugly truth about my H's A started surfacing. Still can't really believe. In my case we will be married 19 yrs. in March.

I've not talked to the Harley's, but that seems like great advice. As long as your H's energy is split between you and OW he can't see clearly. My H slowly is coming out of his fog. He told me the other day it's like having amnesia, and he couldn't remember anything good about us. He said he forgot how good it felt to hold me and come home to me. I'm saying this still not sure we will recover.

The 2 things I did that really helped me to cope are the following. Joining this site, and after 2 weeks calling my doctor and asking to go on an antidepressant. I am in the mental health field and was hesitant to take drugs. I felt I had a right to every feeling I was having. However, doc told me if it calms my anxiety and helps me to cope it's a good thing. Some antidepressants can take at least 4 wks. to kick in. She put me on lexapro which is one of the cleanest, and to my shock I felt better in a couple of days. Pain is still there, but I began seeing things more clearly, not crying all the time, and my anxiety lessened.

Hang in there, pray, and realize you did nothing wrong!