Hi

I am just eight weeks into finding out about my wifes affair. It lasted about ten weeks with a co-worker and was sexual.

The guy concerned had been pestering her to go out for about two years on and off and she always told me when this happened - one time she was very upset by it and we considered reporting him to their boss, but decided against this. She thought she had dealt with it.

Last year, about six months before it started we had a family crisis, with one of our teenage kids - years of stress caused by this. Quite simply, I was not there for my wife, and dealt with her depression impatiently and insensitively.

She broke down one day at work, and confided in the other guy. He arranged to meet with her to 'talk' and within weeks they had started the affair.

She told me, because she thought the other guys wife had found out, and was about to tell me. She says she has never regretted anything more in her life. She says she loves me, and that she has absolutely no feelings for the other guy at all. I find this hard to believe after such an intense relationship, where she told him several times that she loved him.

I know I am handling this badly. I have asked for (and been given) all the gory details. We make love often, but my wife keeps telling me to 'pull myself together', which I just cant seem to do. How can she suddenly 'not love' someone?

The main problem though (for me)is that she still works with him. He keeps asking personal questions about our marriage, which she has told him she will report back to me - and she does. Its almost a daily event, and is dragging us both down. We live in a small town, and my wife is terrified of leaving work in case it all comes out.

I just dont know how to deal with any of this - is it hopeless?

Ernst,

No, it isn't hopeless at all. You are in the early stages of recovery....and it's one of the hardest parts. Most of us here have been where you are....and have come out of the other side. But you could use a good coach to help you over the bumpy spots and you definitely need a recovery plan to follow.

Now about the job....your wife needs to look for another one. There is no way to avoid the former lover if she works with him everyday. One of the consequences of having an affair is that sometimes people find out about it...and that's not a good enough reason to subject you to the pain of knowing she's seeing him everyday. Your marriage can't heal that way.

If you don't have a copy of "Surviving an Affair" go out and get one. Read it together and you will have a good idea of how to safeguard your marriage and where to go from here. Good Luck

Hi ernst and welcome,

I'll just add into what starfish said and say that if this guy is harassing your WW at work then perhaps she can report him.Of course it would be better to leave the job altogether but maybe she can get the guy tossed out or transferred,something like that.It is inappropriate for the OM(other man) to be making more advances on her and he sounds like a real predator.ICK.

Encourage her to be strong and do whatever it takes to remove this guy from your lives.It is NOT hopeless.Are you in counseling by the way? That would be a great idea.

Lastly,you are so early in the game here ernst.You cannot "pull yourself together" that rapidly.She must be patient with you as you would be for her.Don't try and rush through this.Read all the MB concepts here and spend some time reading the posts,that may give you more insight into what you are dealing with,ok?

Come on back and let us know how you are doing.We are here for you.

O

Yes its possible for a wayward spouse to not love the other person despite saying the words.

Affairs are addictive in nature and what you assume to be intensity is in reality the addiction.

She needs to realize you just don't pull yourself together as she put.

Both of you read the link below on the common reactions to an affair:

http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/tips/patternaffair.html

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Octobergirl:
<strong> Hi ernst and welcome,

I'll just add into what starfish said and say that if this guy is harassing your WW at work then perhaps she can report him.Of course it would be better to leave the job altogether but maybe she can get the guy tossed out or transferred,something like that.It is inappropriate for the OM(other man) to be making more advances on her and he sounds like a real predator.ICK.

Encourage her to be strong and do whatever it takes to remove this guy from your lives.It is NOT hopeless.Are you in counseling by the way? That would be a great idea.

Lastly,you are so early in the game here ernst.You cannot "pull yourself together" that rapidly.She must be patient with you as you would be for her.Don't try and rush through this.Read all the MB concepts here and spend some time reading the posts,that may give you more insight into what you are dealing with,ok?

Come on back and let us know how you are doing.We are here for you.

O </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thanks to you both. Its something we have discussed, and she is looking for another job. The problem is she really loves her work and is gaining recognition for it. She has given up all sorts of opportunities over the years, and I do not want her to resent me in the future.

She talks to me openly about the affair, and I really believe her when she says it won't happen again. The 'proof' is in the fact that she tells me everything that the other guy says. My only real problem, I guess is me having to put up with the thought of him being with her everyday.

I am also concerned at the way she is handling this. She is clearly feeling very down about it -she says that she has blocked it from her mind, and has convinced herself that 'it never happened'. We have been together for over 25 years, and I know how vulnerable she has been lately, and how ashamed she is. Is there any advice you can give to her? I will show her these posts when she comes home from work later.

Hi

I never received any reply to my last post regarding the effect this has had on my wife herself. I hope someone can share their own experiences - particularly from her perspective.

We have had a pleasant weekend, and managed to not talk too much about the affair - as opposed to the causes, and what we do next, but she is still suffering.

She says that she feels 'frightened' whenever she is alone, or when she meets people we know - its as if they can 'see through her, and know what's happened'.

Last night she told me, without having to be asked, how much she loves me, how sorry she is and what a 'mess' she has made. She is clearly struggling with what happened.

On the job front - she definitely does not want to give it up. To some extent I agree with her butthe problem remains with the OM asking questions each day.

I would be grateful for advice on what we agreed. She intends to tell him the next time he says anything to stop doing it. She has said she will tell him to get any thoughts out of his mind that there is any chance of the relationship starting up again, and that if he says one more thing - we will ring his wife and tell her what he is doing. She will also try and get moved to another department so she is not working closely with him, although they will be in the same building.

Would really appreciate any experiences/advice that might help us both.

Earnst:

I have the same situation. My WW loves her job and he works there too. She doesn't want to quit but I am bothered about the fact that they still talk daily. Everything I have and am reading states clearly that the WS and the OP need to separate because the lure is too great to re-establish the relationship. Keep reading all of Dr. Harley's information. He is very specific about this situation. My WW's bf is looking for another job so I have been more patient. If he wasn't, I would insist on my WW to look for another job away from any direct contact with her BF.

Good luck. These WW's sure put us through hell.

Midwest

Hello Ernst:

I see a problem right away. You should immediately contact the OM's wife. You have made a mistake by not doing this. Because you have not done this you have in effect enabled the OM to continue to try to hit on your wife without consequences.
Marriagebuilders believe it is absolutely critical to contact the OM's wife. You are making a huge mistake by not doing this.

Hi Ernst,

A few things.

1)Your WW really needs to get a new job.I understand that she likes it where she is and is gaining recognition BUT as I see it she has two choices: she gets a new job therefore getting away from the perpetrator and start anew and gives your marriage the best chance at recovery or she stays there and you stumble along knowing that she will still have contact and NO complete recovery can happen until the OM and your WW are separated for LIFE.Seeing this OM is going to contribute to your WW poor feelings about herself.There is also the dreaded possibility of an affair(A) starting up again but even though your WW may say "that will never happen" you cannot be sure.Dr.Harley recommends that wayward spouses(WS) write a NC letter to the OM/OW and end contact for life.

2) Please get into counseling.It is crucial that you have professional help.Do not try to do this "recovery" on your own.
Tell your WW that she cannot suppress her feelings,that is not healthy and wishing it away or pretending that it didn't happen is NOT the best way to recover from something of this magnitude.

We have had other people on this board in the same circumstances and it is just too difficult on the WS and the BS to have to deal with continued contact at the workplace.If your WW really wants to save her marriage she will **do whatever it takes to make this right.

3)Please get the books, 'Surviving an Affair' and 'His Needs,Her Needs' by Dr.Harley.Keep reading the concepts here and the posts.

4) Tell OM's wife about the A.

5)This Just Found Out board is slower than the General Questions board(GQII).You may want to post there since it gets more traffic.

O

Thanks for the responses - they have helped.

Latest situation is that OM has found a new job and wil be leaving soon, this has to be a big help.

One thing that bothers me still though is the way he is failing to stick to the NC agreement, and I would value anyones views.

1. Each time he has brought up anything personal at work "How are things at home etc" - my wife has told him not to ask - she has then come home and told me. I assume that this is the right thing for her to do?

2. The day of his interview for the new job, was tense for both me and my wife. We both felt everything hung on this at the time. She was desperate to know the result, which she would have got the next day. Anyway, OM sent an SMS message the same day by cell phone. Nothing personal, just confirmed he had got the job. Wife was hugely relieved, as was I, but I also felt angry that an SMS had been sent. Wife agreed that it shouldnt have been sent, but said the relief of knowing made it worth it.

3. Next day he asked if she had got the message, and if she had told me (I was there when it came). She thanked him for letting 'us' know, but said that he should not have sent the message - again' did she do the right thing?

4. I am probably reading too much into it, but the question regarding had she told me about the message I saw as a 'test' to see if she really was telling me about the things he continues to say?

5. I am feeling better now, and I try not to talk about it too much. Wife has said she is tired of going over old ground - which I know I am doing, but she is being reasonably patient about this. Is is better to stop going over it altogether?

Bottom line is - I can see things are improving, and feel confident about the future, just wondered what views might be about the latest events, and how we might improve things further.

Her telling you to pull it together after 8 weeks is a only to lessen HER guilt. We are 4 weeks into him finding out, yes I am the ww. We haven't been married 25 yrs, it will be 13 next month, so maybe that is why your situation is so different from mine. My h won't make love to me, he told me he may make a decision about us in June of this year.

It is telling how much you are in love with your wife, wanting to get help for her. Worried about her feelings is very moving. The OM leaving is a great thing, she can stay and your whole lives won't have to change over this.

My h too needed details, needed to talk about it. He told me that he had a sick sense of needing to know. I also answered all of his questions, he knows everything, and you asking her time and time again is only re-opening the wound time and time again. This is hurting you and the amount of time for you and your marriage to recover. If you feel like you have the whole picture, please resist the urge to keep asking, not for her but for you.

As for her feelings, well for one I do see her trying to speed up recovery to make HERSELF feel better about the guilt that she feels. It's really not fair for her to tell you to pull it together, only you know how long it will take for you to heal on this thing. This isn't something you can rush, that is...if the two of you really want to fully heal. My h and I aren't at that place yet, and I fear will not get to that place if ever for months and months and months. When I say that I mean just to a starting place of him possibly wanting to recover.

Speaking from only my pov, the guilt is more than I have ever felt in my life. During the affair, and now after. Affairs are so destructive, and I know that this is all because of me. I've caused people so much pain, on this road we are walking on, the destruction is following just at the heels of our feet. Our whole lives have fallen apart, and it's all because of me, quite honestly it's very difficult living beneath my own skin. I could be wrong, and I don't like to make assumptions, but it seems like you have taken the brunt of the blame for this. You talk about how you weren't there for her during your crisis with you teenage son, you talk about how the OM was after her for so long. You can't do that, the two of you need to get some counseling to figure out how the two of you got to this point. OM is leaving, erase him from this whole scenario, because this was really about you and her. That is what the two of you need right now, to focus on the marriage and figure out what went wrong. You also need to know, that no matter what went wrong, she did make the ultimate decision to have the affair, and try to work on it from there.

Something like this had made me and my husband relect on our whole marriage. It seems that you and your wife had a lot of good times to relect on, and I wish the two of you the best of luck.

TakeCare

Ernst -

Your marriage has a great chance. You do need to let the OM's wife know though. He is being very disrespectful of you and your marriage.

Please ask your wife to write him a NC letter and you mail it. It should say something like: OM-I am love my husband and want to restore our marriage. Do not contact me for any reason.

Also save yourself some time and pain and contact the Harleys for counseling for you and wife. You are very new to this and need it - later you will get to the resentment point. It is expensive but they can often get to the problem immediately.

Most WS's want to forget about it and don't know how to deal with the BS's pain. All that does is drag out recovery. Invest the money now in your marriage and get started in the right direction.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I also answered all of his questions, he knows everything, and you asking her time and time again is only re-opening the wound time and time again. This is hurting you and the amount of time for you and your marriage to recover. If you feel like you have the whole picture, please resist the urge to keep asking, not for her but for you.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't completley agree with that. Some therapist and authors on infidelity have written on the BS asking the same thing over and over again.

They feel its a necessary way for the BS to make sure they hear the same answer on a consistent basis....it starts the process of trusting again.

In most cases the WS doesn't want to disclose right away or refuses to disclose at all unless confronted with unrefutable evidence. It cases like this the BS unknowingly repeatedly asks the same question or similar question not so much as to hear the answer again but make sure the story hasn't changed.

And some of the time a BS learns something new about an early question that frames the old quesiton in a different light so they need to revisit it.

A majority of experts on infidelity recommend this approach.

Dr. Harley is not one of them. He supports radical honesty. He supports answering all questions. But he does agree with your thought ask it once and be done with it. From his view point the focus needs to be on His Needs/Her Needs and rebuilding the marriage. So revisiting the affair once questions are answered is not his preference.