I am strong in my faith. And to forgive is the biggest part in the Christian belief. I struggle with this everyday. I feel if I forgive, I am letting him off the hook by trusting him again. How can you forgive and not trust? And I feel I am betraying my own spiritualness. The conflicts and the anger are so over powering that it's such a burden to hold! Just saw the movie; "The Passion of The Christ". Made me feel more guilty that I can't forgive my H.
I think that I want a divorce is because I can't trust him. Just not on the A itself, it is the little things. If we divorce, it would be a lot easier to forgive because I would not feel vulnerable to him anymore.
Silver, if you look back to my H. posts (member 26649) you will see that he basically used this forum because his OW betrayed him. He said some mean nasty things to me too but outside of the forum in person. I know what it feels like.
It is amazing how people can change good or bad in a couple of years or an experience to make a huge difference in your life.
Sue, What about telling your husband (not asking him but telling him) I am going on a vacation by myself. Go some where where you can enjoy being by yourself. Take the time to think and journal your thoughts. Get a massage or something. Pamper yourself. Just get away. Your thoughts are in such turmoil that it is hard to separate you from your life and what you NEED...!
I am afraid if I do leave my H. I will fall apart.
I stuck by him through really rough parts in his life and was his number one "cheerleader". I was still very much in love with him when he took that job out of state. But sadden and feeling left out as he begon his new life without me. I couldn't wait to join him in a year. But then it all began. So I have be come sooo callused that if I start to soften, I will fall apart like butter. I understand what it is like for my H. to say all the right things and not to act on them. He does that in our counseling sessions too. Our MC gives us homework and RR gets excited about them but never acts on them. I can't work on the M alone. I had this job for years now and can't take the load anymore. It takes two to make it work.
I believe he is with me because he doesn't want to be alone. He tells me now that he really never fell out of love with me. I think to myself "Ya Right" because of all the things he said and all of his posts contradicts that. So in my opinion. feeling is believing and I am feeling nothing but emptiness and anger.
Ali

Foregiveness is not an emotion. It is a conscious choice. First you decide that you are going to forgive him. Then you ask the Lord to help you forgive him. It is a long process.

I read your H's posts and to me it seems like he does love you.

Have you read the "quick clicks" on the home page here about how an affair should end, overcoming resentment, restoration of the marriage, and reconciliation? It might help.

Hi Believer!
Thanks for your reply. No I haven't read that. This site has change so much since when I originally logged on. I have to get familiar with it again. So I will go back and look at it.

I guess I am not ready to forgive just yet. I still have a lot of anger and I mean a lot of anger towards him. I see things in him now that I haven't seen in him since I have met him. Or it has been there and I just started to recognize it?

You are right forgiveness is not an emotion. But it sure has a deep role in it though!!!

As far as him loving me? Humm, I know at some level he does. I feel it is more of a familiar thing than a mature type of love.
It is me that is stuck in this anger and frustration. The triggers go off all the time. Especially now. He wants to forget it and pretend as if it never happened. I still want to know why?
A man on day time TV says; "The healing won't start until the hurt is gone"! And that is so true!
I have said to him day in and day out; "If it was me that had the affair and my h. wanted the marriage still, I would do what ever it takes to make it right". Not H.! So there is where my indifference comes in.

Thanx again!
Ali

You are right he should do whatever it takes to heal you.

Forgiveness is realising you are not responsible for his punishment and therefore do not have to carry the pain he inflicted on you. It is such a releife to just cast the pain on God. when I tell someone they are forgiven it menas I will not "give" them any more of my mind or vulnerablility. It is like letting go of it. When you forgive someone you relinquish their fate to God. God is just and says "vengeance is mine", so it frees you from the weight on your mind and any hurtful or mad thoughts that run through it. Forgiveness does not mean you let them off, more like you write them off. It also does not mean you put your trust in them. If you gave me a knife and I stabbed you with it, maybe you would relinquish my fate to God and forgive me, but you would be a fool to trust me. Let me explain the word - like forbidding is is the opposite of bidding. Forgiving is the opposite of giving, no more giving him the power to hurt you from the past or the present. Give him to God to see if he can hurt Him and lie to him.

Now Trust. Trust is not to do with forgiving. Trust is given when we love someone and have no reason not to trust them, once they break that trust we are under no obligation to trust them again until they earn that trust. It does not mean you don't forgive, the two are not related, that is a fallacy. Only God can forgive and trust us at the same time and that is becuase he is Infallaible and knows our hearts. He is also omnipotent and cannot be harmed by us, we are not Gods and we are not required anywhere in the bible to immediately trust someone just becuase we forgive them. Read Proverbs 24:24,26, Jer. 7:8, Your husband has salacious words ("I never fell out of love with you") and will not tell you the truth. Why would God want you to trust one who deosn't tell the truth? Ask anyone who tells you to trust your husband for the text that tells you to trust anyone who does not tell you the truth.

OK Got it?

Linda

Hi Ali88 and everyone.
I too have had a little difficulty with forgiving my husband for what he has done. I've asked in prayer to help me to forgive him. The bottom line for me is that I "have" to forgive him. In order for me to live through my resentment (that part too will be freeded), I have to let it go, and give it to God. He can deal with it, he's a big guy.
Also, some gals at church pointed out Matthew 6, 15 "If you do not forgive people their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."
I order for me to be forgiven, I have to forgive.
The trust part I also have to give to God. My husband knows that he has hurt me to the heart. I've lost 8 lbs. in the last week (sorta good in a way)and had many tears shed. But I have asked for all these things along with guidance. When I first found out last Friday, I decided not to make rational decisions. To this date, I have still not kicked him out, but who knows? That answer hasn't come yet. I know he loves me, but now he needs to prove it.
Vivian

bump

Ali:

You wrote: He tells me now that he really never fell out of love with me. I think to myself "Ya Right" because of all the things he said and all of his posts contradicts that. So in my opinion. feeling is believing and I am feeling nothing but emptiness and anger.

WH and I are working on some of these same issues. 1. During A the WS has to really work on justifying their actions and I think putting too much emphasis on their feelings helps them justify the affair. We are so often encouraged to be guided by our feelings or be in tune with our feelings. Put your feelings in check and be guided by your values. It's what we wanted our WS to do in the first place. They would've never had the affair if they put their values before feelings. It's great when the two things go together, but values must always be the guiding force.

2. All the things your WH wrote and said during the A was a part of the lies he had to believe to justify his immoral relationship.

In a lot of ways we BS's are not just fighting for our marriage, but we are fighting for the character of the person we married. We want them to be all that they can be rather than the pale shadow of themselves they become during the affair.

I hope that if I fall my WH will be there to pick me up and put me on the right track. Maybe that'll be his job when I'm in the anger phase of recovery? I'm just a month into this so take what I say with a grain of salt.

Hi Loy!

Gosh no! You hit the nail right on the head with this statment; </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 2. All the things your WH wrote and said during the A was a part of the lies he had to believe to justify his immoral relationship.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because your are month into this doesn't mean you know any less. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> That is a great discovery that I missed somewhere. I will shared that statement in our MC tonight.

I am definitely still in that anger phase. It has caused me to be able to step back and look at the whole picture from a different point of view. The realistic side. Loy, I will warn you, as everyone has different ways of dealing with emotion. I just hope you can handle it better than I can. The anger stage is hard. I just wish this whole thing never had happened! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

My therapist said the same thing about having my WH. be here now to pick me up because I am at a low. But in ways, I don't want him to because I am angry with him and if it wasn't for his selfishness, we wouldn't be here in the horrible state right now. Sure we would have our problems if it didn't happen but not like this.....!

This all started because his ego was shattered because of his job. I was giving so much support and EN's. I wasn't receiving anything from him but I didn't expect to. Because I knew how bad he was hurting. I was there all the time 24/7. That is the main part to why I am having so much anger.
Because I did help him. The only thing I am guilty of was gaining an substantial amount of weight during my pregnancy. But it is gone and I am back to normal. So if I want to go by the Dr. Harleys book, I didn't keep my end of the bargin with my appearence! I get big with pregnancies. That is how my body reacts.
I tell my husband that I am the one that should have had the A. All my LB's were gone. I had nothing while he was 1200 miles away getting his ego built by his boss', his co-workers and the company whore. So this is why the anger is really driven.
Viv,
That statement in Matthew haunts me. Because what if I die tomorrow? Not that I think about dying, but it does scare me. The Passion made things clear for me. If I only had the strength like the good Lord has, I would be fine. But we are human. I think God understands true genuine people and is patient. I feel that he is carring me along right now. As someone said, (sorry, I can't remember who it was) I need to give him my burdens!
Ali

(Ali)
It haunts me too. I have been feeling forgiveness fill my heart in the last week - but today, all I feel is agner and resentment. I want blood.
I can't tell you how many times I have prayed today, asking for forgiveness for me and lifting him up (even though I'm angry), hoping for some relief. It's driving me nuts!!! ;-)

Vivian

Viv,
I know how you feel! I want blood too! I want them to feel the pain I feel. His OW H. cheated on her too. So off she went separated from her H. had countless A. with MM at the office before my H. worked there. She was caught looking at my wedding picture by one of his co-workers before the A. started. I mean she picked up the thing and was looking at it for minutes until the co-worker walked in and asked what she was doing?

Forgiving her is going to be extremely hard. But I know it has to be done. I have a book called forgive and forget. I am about to through it out the window! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
The triggers and the memory is a challenge in it self. You are handling things great! I really admire you!
Ali <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ali:

Sometimes it's the spouse who is the least invested in the relationship that has the A. It sounds as if you were doing all of the giving and WH was doing all of the taking. This is how it was for me too. The less my WH did for me, our marriage and family, the more detached he became. He took us all for granted and devalued our relationship to justify his feelings. Dr. Shirley Glass talks about this in the book "Not Just Friends."

The care my H is putting into our recovery and showing me is growing. He is again investing in our future through his actions and words. I try not to miss the little changes or small gestures of care he gives me: making the bed, asking me if I'd like a drink, wanting to get me a hot water bottle when my back is sore, kissing my forehead, making dinner, checking in on me at work, teaching me cribbage. I know he's not ready to court me, but he's starting to put others before himself.

Don't worry about forgiving OW. The most generous thing you can do for her is to pray for her soul. Unless she learns the error of her ways and repents, her life is doomed to be shallow, selfish and destructive. Of course, it's hard to pray for those who hoped for the destruction of my marriage and family right now. Clearly you are light-years ahead of me....

:-) Loy - that was a wonderful closing line. I feel pity for the OW, and I believe she does not realize how sick she is. I have to pray for her, just as I would pray for a friend who has cancer.
Stealing the affection of others is the bottom line, and it is nothing to be proud of. Hopefully she can change before she ruins someone else's life.

Vivian

Boy,

To say all of that takes a lot of strength, you two. Unfortunately, I just wish a lot of bad things would happen to her. Actually, I want to confront this low life of a women but as evil as she is, she'll just laugh at me.
I might be seeing her at a friends wedding! Ahhhhhhh! I would love to put the moves on her husband! She doesn't have a clue I am friends with her co-worker who works right next to her office! She only studied my wedding picture and would not evn recognize me in person. Would that be soooo funnnn or what? The MM's W. hits on OW's H. Talk about revenge! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It still boggles my mind that some people just don't feel guilty about getting involved with a M person. In my case, as I was told, my hasbund was the game and I was the prize! Meaning if she can take away my H. from me then her ego would have sky rocketed. How sick!
I am feeling pretty down today! The A. just keeps haunting me. And I wish to use my H as a punching bag. What bothers me is that he will never, ever have the pain that I am going through. Altough we had a pretty good MC session, I feel something is still missing! Does that make sense?
OK laundry awaits me!
Ali
Anyone interested in gardening????

Hitting on a man that would would marry a "Jay Leno" impersonator is kind of sickening and WAY below what "Mrs. Illinois" should be doing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I know but just to give her a taste of her own evil distasteful medicine????
But I got your point! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Ali